Babysitter issue

[caribbeanmama]

Hi all,
I had hired our former babysitter back in September since I am working PT now at a mutual agreed rate of $10/hr for DD. All was going okay up until a month and a half ago when a situation in her family developed where she had no choice but to provide care for her 4 month old granddaughter. She asked me (sort of) if she could bring her GD to our house and I agreed since they were really in a bind it seemed.

With this situation realistically speaking, I don't have too many issues with, but I do recognize that the level of attention is different towards *my* DD. I can imagine, for instance, when her GD starts to be mobile and more independent. So what is really bothering me you ask? Well, on Mondays my four yeal old does not have preschool so he stays home on those days. We had agreed that on those days, I would pay her a couple of dollars extra per hour. Not only do we have this agreement, but also if my oldest son for some reason stays home (as it happened last week when he was sick), I also pay her extra. If I am late coming home, I also pay her for being late.

Yesterday, I had missed one day when my oldest son had stayed home sick in calcuating her payment. I could tell she was upset and this is where my blood starts to boil. I feel like I am doing her family a huge favor by allowing her to bring her GD to our home, yet my own kid can't stay home sick without me having to pay extra. In addition, I had hired her with the idea that since she would only have DD to look after, that she could devout more time to playing with her, taking her out for walks, ect. Now, of course, due to the GD being here, the babysitter is more confined. Thus, DD does not get to go outside as often as I would like, ect.

In a sitauion like this what would you do. Should I start looking for other options? TIA

[TwinFoxes]

I think pretty much any time a parent thinks "maybe I should look for other options" you should look for other options. You need your peace of mind! I agree that having a four plus-month old will take away time from your DD, how could it not? Plus when DS stays home, that's three kids for one adult to watch. That's a lot. The money thing wouldn't bug me as much, but the attention away from DD would.

[blisstwins]

I agree. If the GD being there were temporary that would be one thing, but her being there is a significant change in terms of employment. At the time you agreed to that it probably would have made sense to think of what she could do to make you feel better about allowing the situation, eg. occassionally she would watch your others for the same rate. But since she thinks you are OK with the GD there and you did not renegotiate the terms of her emplyment I can understand why she would be upset with not being paid per her understanding. I TOTALLY get where you are coming from so you have to sit down and talk with her or find someone else. I do think 3 kids are a lot (unless your older son is much older) and the GD changes things, unless this woman is otherwise wonderful. How old is your daughter?

[BeachBum]

At the time you agreed to that it probably would have made sense to think of what she could do to make you feel better about allowing the situation, eg. occassionally she would watch your others for the same rate. But since she thinks you are OK with the GD there and you did not renegotiate the terms of her emplyment I can understand why she would be upset with not being paid per her understanding.
I agree.

I think you have to talk with her and clear the air so to speak, or get rid of her. You are resentful (or annoyed at the very least) and understandably so. But unless you get it out in the open that you are not pleased with the changes and why --and try to resolve it someway(Maybe you just want acknolwdgement that you are helping her out?) the relationship will continue to deteriorate and not work long term.

Think about what would make you happy and satisfied. Is it the payment? does she need to acknowledge your generosity? or do you just need a situation where your kids get 100%?

[hillview]

I agree.

I think you have to talk with her and clear the air so to speak, or get rid of her. You are resentful (or annoyed at the very least) and understandably so. But unless you get it out in the open that you are not pleased with the changes and why --and try to resolve it someway(Maybe you just want acknolwdgement that you are helping her out?) the relationship will continue to deteriorate and not work long term.

Think about what would make you happy and satisfied. Is it the payment? does she need to acknowledge your generosity? or do you just need a situation where your kids get 100%?

:yeahthat:

It sounds like actually you are not ok with her bringing GC with her. In that case I think you should renegotiate the rate (eg since you are brining GC with you could we modify the terms of payment) if that would then clear the air and work for you OR find someone new. To be fair, if you have not conveyed your dismay at GC being there and had a discussion about this with her she wouldn't know that you had an issue with it. It may FEEL like she should know but people are different etc. It would be unfair to just let her go if you never discussed the GC issue and allowed her to resolve it unless there are other issues you have not mentioned.

Child care is complicated. Treating it JUST like an employee has not worked for me. The lines are blured and it does take some sorting out. We've had about 6 nannies/babysitters in 4 years. Some short term (planned short term) some longer term (over a year) and each one has a complex set of compromises. Our current nanny/babysitter I ADORE and we do things with her that I'd never do (or be able to do) with an employee (pay her for 2 months in advance; change hours (adding more not taking away!) the night before etc) she is like family and we are all flexible. There is no sense of being taken advantage of for either of us (as far as I know) and that is the BEST situation. I have been in a similar situation as you (our first nanny was ALWAYS on the phone when DS 1 was 3 months old) and we did talk about it and it continued so a degree but I was in a bind -- I did start to harbor resentment at her and that was NOT good.

Ok this is WAY too long. Good luck!
/hillary