S/O: How do you discipline your toddler......

[newg]

I've been chewing on this for a few days and seeing the other thread about hitting got me thinking.................

in general, how do you discipline your toddler??..........DD is 20 months and is beginning to enjoy showing her independence........which I don't mind at all.............but she needs to learn that some things aren't okay (like hitting, and climbing on the dog beds) and there will be consequences................

I have a friend who does a minute of time-out for each year of age.........I like that idea, but I'm wondering if me holding her in a chair for 1 1/2 min. is really going to leave a lasting impression....................

And here's a quick....specific question: back to the dog bed thing...........we have been teaching the dogs since DD was born that their "safe" spots are their beds.....so if they don't want DD to bother them.......well now DD is having a blast trying to get on their beds.......I caught her the other day trying to sit down on one bed with the dog laying on it!..........I know she is mostly doing it to get a reaction out of me......but I'm sure the six inch thick memory foam is a blast to jump on too;).............................so what would you do to deter this specific behavior??

Thanks!!

[m448]

Please don't think this is trite but once I had my second and my oldest matured I quickly realized that for most things they will mature out of frustrating stages. When I was at my worst pulling out my hair wondering where I'd gone wrong with my second I knew there was a light at the end of the short tunnel and that I just needed to remain consistent. Knowing what is developmentally expected is half the battle.

[firsttimemama]

I try to practice attachment parenting and gentle discipline. My son is almost 2. The idea of holding a child down in time out doesn't sit well with me.

RE: dog bed - are you afraid the dogs will retaliate? If not, I'd just let it happen - but that's just me.

[sariana]

On the rare occasions I have done time-out with DD (21 months), I have put her in her crib. It is the separation and the feeling of isolation that is the "punishment." And it allows me to take care of anything (mess, danger, whatever) that she caused.

I would not do this, however, if she had any sleep issues. She does not. So I don't have a problem using the crib in this way.

I don't know about the dog bed thing. I would probably be climbing on it too. It sounds like fun.

[newg]

I know, I don't like "making" her sit in a chair either.........I've only done this a few times in the past day or so.........and it's not sitting well with me, so that's why I've posted!

The only reason the dog bed thing bothers me is because she is now finding it fun to get on the beds while the dogs are also on them..........that worries me.........though I am always keeping an eye on her and I trust my dogs..........they are still dogs........and I don't want one of them to feel they need to protect their beds from her.................................

I have been thinking of getting the pnp out to use as a time-out space..........but we still use them alot when staying with our parent's and for traveling...so I'm worried she wouldn't sleep well when we travel because I use it at home for time-outs...............

so is 20 months too young to start some type of discipline..........by the way I'm all about the positive reinforcement and lots of hugs and kisses!!

[brittone2]

When they are under 2, IMO there is still a big need to redirect and be very hands on ("get off your butt parenting" ala the GCM site). Every time she goes to the dog bed, if it is a big issue for you, then walk over and move her. Every single time. Or if you don't want to go through that, find a way to set her up for success (and minimize your own work) by putting the beds somewhere she can't access for most of the day (but the dogs still can get to).

I personally think that's more effective than time out, especially for a child under 2.

At that age, I think it is also important to tell them what you *do* want them to do, not just "don't do X". It is easier for their brains to process at that age.

I'm personally not a time out fan in general though.

[brittone2]

Please don't think this is trite but once I had my second and my oldest matured I quickly realized that for most things they will mature out of frustrating stages. When I was at my worst pulling out my hair wondering where I'd gone wrong with my second I knew there was a light at the end of the short tunnel and that I just needed to remain consistent. Knowing what is developmentally expected is half the battle.

:yeahthat:

[Katigre]

When they are under 2, IMO there is still a big need to redirect and be very hands on ("get off your butt parenting" ala the GCM site). Every time she goes to the dog bed, if it is a big issue for you, then walk over and move her. Every single time. Or if you don't want to go through that, find a way to set her up for success (and minimize your own work) by putting the beds somewhere she can't access for most of the day (but the dogs still can get to).

I personally think that's more effective than time out, especially for a child under 2.

At that age, I think it is also important to tell them what you *do* want them to do, not just "don't do X". It is easier for their brains to process at that age.

I'm personally not a time out fan in general though.
Yes, this. It is what we did with DS and what we are doing with DD and I find it very effective.

[egoldber]

Please don't think this is trite but once I had my second and my oldest matured I quickly realized that for most things they will mature out of frustrating stages. When I was at my worst pulling out my hair wondering where I'd gone wrong with my second I knew there was a light at the end of the short tunnel and that I just needed to remain consistent. Knowing what is developmentally expected is half the battle.

:yeahthat: Almost everything is a phase.

Now for the dog bed issue, I would NOT let her play in the beds because that is a potential safety issue. But personally, I would move the beds somewhere that she does not have access so that it is truly a safe haven for the dogs.

I am all about preventing issues in the first place.

[m448]

Oh yeah and the dog thing is a major issue. Mine have all gone through a less than respectful stage (or stages) with the dogs but I see it as very serious so the dogs spend a good bit of time behind a gate in my room which is their safe zone. The dogs deserve their space and I can't trust a baby or toddler to have self-control nor would I expect our dogs to fight their animal instincts no matter how much training they've received.

[Reyadawnbringer]

When they are under 2, IMO there is still a big need to redirect and be very hands on ("get off your butt parenting" ala the GCM site). Every time she goes to the dog bed, if it is a big issue for you, then walk over and move her. Every single time. Or if you don't want to go through that, find a way to set her up for success (and minimize your own work) by putting the beds somewhere she can't access for most of the day (but the dogs still can get to).

I personally think that's more effective than time out, especially for a child under 2.

At that age, I think it is also important to tell them what you *do* want them to do, not just "don't do X". It is easier for their brains to process at that age.

I'm personally not a time out fan in general though.

:yeahthat:

We do this with DS and he just barely turned 1. It totally works. Its annoying that I have to KEEP moving him from what he isn't supposed to be touching, but when we do move him away from it we immediately take him to something he CAN play with (i.e. NO, you cannot play with the garbage can *move him away from garbage can and position him in front of toys in living room*, but you CAN play with these!)

This works. I cannot stress how important it is to be consistant on this though- everytime means EVERY TIME.

Also, like PP said, setting child up for success is key, so moving things out of childs reach (but where dogs can still get to) is best.

[wellyes]

My DD is the same age, and I've only really tried once to put her in a crib for a few minutes as punishment, while explaining why I was doing what I was doing..... her response was full on outrage and tears. I don't think it was effective and haven't tried it again.

I read somewhere recently that when we tell a young toddler "no", their rage is because they can't really process why what THEY want is not what YOU want. They're figuring out that they're independent and they don't really like it.

So, yeah, still at 're-direct' here. I do find that she understands a whole lot of what I say and very much wants to be helpful.

[Moneypenny]

When they are under 2, IMO there is still a big need to redirect and be very hands on ("get off your butt parenting" ala the GCM site). Every time she goes to the dog bed, if it is a big issue for you, then walk over and move her. Every single time. Or if you don't want to go through that, find a way to set her up for success (and minimize your own work) by putting the beds somewhere she can't access for most of the day (but the dogs still can get to).

I personally think that's more effective than time out, especially for a child under 2.

At that age, I think it is also important to tell them what you *do* want them to do, not just "don't do X". It is easier for their brains to process at that age.

I'm personally not a time out fan in general though.

That's exactly what we did at that age, and we had the same issue with the dog bed. Every time she'd get in the dog bed, we'd take her out, tell her that bed was for the dog, and tell her she could get on her own bed, or she could take a cushion off the couch, put it on the floor, and have her own "floor bed".

She also had a fascination with the dog toys (certainly understandable since many dog toys look like kid toys), so just to be safe we put all the dog toys away and only got those out when DD was down for a nap or in bed for the night.

[newg]

That's exactly what we did at that age, and we had the same issue with the dog bed. Every time she'd get in the dog bed, we'd take her out, tell her that bed was for the dog, and tell her she could get on her own bed, or she could take a cushion off the couch, put it on the floor, and have her own "floor bed".

She also had a fascination with the dog toys (certainly understandable since many dog toys look like kid toys), so just to be safe we put all the dog toys away and only got those out when DD was down for a nap or in bed for the night.

Amazingly she knows the two dog toys are for the dogs...........she'll even pick them off the floor and "give" them to the dogs or just lay them on their beds.
Today I went with a more "re-direct" approach......she got on the bed and I could see her looking for me to react......so I pretended to ignor her and asked her to come help me with something...........it def. worked better than trying to keep her in a chair...........
I like the idea of letting her have her own "bed" to jump and sit on.......

thanks for the input!!

[hillview]

At 2 you redirect IMO. TOs work at age 2.5 or 3 and then only for major issues. Can you move the dog beds somewhere safer?
/hillary

[HIU8]

for DD we use the naughty step for 2 minutes (she is 2). It really works with her. I also still redirect though. Plus, DD is very very verbal and I can have a conversation with her--ie--are you angry? Why did you throw your toy? etc... and can give her better ways to handle herself that she can understand. It seems way to mature for her, but on a small scale it to has been working as well.

[TwinFoxes]

:yeahthat:

We do this with DS and he just barely turned 1. It totally works. Its annoying that I have to KEEP moving him from what he isn't supposed to be touching, but when we do move him away from it we immediately take him to something he CAN play with (i.e. NO, you cannot play with the garbage can *move him away from garbage can and position him in front of toys in living room*, but you CAN play with these!)

This works. I cannot stress how important it is to be consistant on this though- everytime means EVERY TIME.

Also, like PP said, setting child up for success is key, so moving things out of childs reach (but where dogs can still get to) is best.

I'm late to this thread, but I find it interesting when folks say that redirecting "works." It's what I do, and it works only in the sense of it stops the behavior right then...it certainly doesn't stop them from repeating the behavior!

We have two major issues. One's another dog related one. The girls LOVE to play in the dogs' water bowls. I have no choice but to redirect, because if I didn't they would be soaked. But this has been going on since they could crawl, and we redirect EVERY time. Luckily when we move into our new house there will be a downstairs, and the dogs bowls will be down there (hurray!)

Our second issue is hair pulling. This has gotten a little better. But D loves to pull S's hair. Sometimes I think she's just wants to touch it (she'll even pull her own hair) and other times it's a convenient handle for pulling her sister away from whatever it is she wants at the moment. Redirecting's a little harder with that, because she's actually hurting her sister. And it usually comes out of nowhere so I can't stop the behavior before it happens. I pry her little hands loose and say we don't pull hair! And put her sister back on the toy and give D something else. But poor little S! (Of course S is busy going for her Oscar as the tragic scalping victim!) When I say things have gotten better, only in the sense that D no longer just pulls for the heck of it, she now just pulls her sister's hair to get her way. :(

But there doesn't seem to be an alternative. The one time I did a "timeout" it wasn't really a timeout. Basically I had to hold D because literally every time I let her go she pulled her sister's hair. When she finally figured out that I was holding her and not letting her get away she got really upset. But that was the one time, and only because she refused to be redirected.

[brittone2]

I'm late to this thread, but I find it interesting when folks say that redirecting "works." It's what I do, and it works only in the sense of it stops the behavior right then...it certainly doesn't stop them from repeating the behavior!

We have two major issues. One's another dog related one. The girls LOVE to play in the dogs' water bowls. I have no choice but to redirect, because if I didn't they would be soaked. But this has been going on since they could crawl, and we redirect EVERY time. Luckily when we move into our new house there will be a downstairs, and the dogs bowls will be down there (hurray!)

Our second issue is hair pulling. This has gotten a little better. But D loves to pull S's hair. Sometimes I think she's just wants to touch it (she'll even pull her own hair) and other times it's a convenient handle for pulling her sister away from whatever it is she wants at the moment. Redirecting's a little harder with that, because she's actually hurting her sister. And it usually comes out of nowhere so I can't stop the behavior before it happens. I pry her little hands loose and say we don't pull hair! And put her sister back on the toy and give D something else. But poor little S! (Of course S is busy going for her Oscar as the tragic scalping victim!) When I say things have gotten better, only in the sense that D no longer just pulls for the heck of it, she now just pulls her sister's hair to get her way. :(

But there doesn't seem to be an alternative. The one time I did a "timeout" it wasn't really a timeout. Basically I had to hold D because literally every time I let her go she pulled her sister's hair. When she finally figured out that I was holding her and not letting her get away she got really upset. But that was the one time, and only because she refused to be redirected.

At that age, no matter what approach you take, it will likely require repetition. An insane amount of it sometimes. IMO/IME, that might mean redirection over and over and over...but that's part of teaching them. Even if you use TO, many people find they have to do it over and over and over again as well. (eta: I think redirection works in that it teaches the desired lesson. It stops the undesired behavior. It might require doing it over and over again, but my goal is to teach the right behavior and stop the problematic one. So I think redirection works, but it isn't a quick fix or something easy...it requires a lot of parental involvement and yeah, it is annoying to have to keep redirecting. But I think most approaches to discipline w/ toddlers require an annoying amount of repetition to make a difference)

With the hair pulling, have you tried showing her other ways she can interact w/ her sister and her sister's hair? Show her "gentle touch". Have her practice it over and over and over again with you. Give her lots of positive feedback when she does give "gentles". Toddlers often do better if you tell them what you want them to do vs. not do. Maybe show her a high five or some other fun little games she can use to interact. If it is about the hair, just keep practicing the gentle touch if you haven't tried that yet.

I think the hair thing is a bit tricky since it is twins. If were an older child with a younger child, I'd say do what you can to keep them separated if you can't be right there supervising. But i get that that is probably not practical with twins.

[kedss]

During the day I babysit a girl who is a few months older than my DD, and we basically have a 2 hour playdate everyday during the week. When one pushes/pulls/grabs, time outs aren't an option, but I let them know that it is not acceptable by removing them from the situation, and getting down to their level and looking them in the eyes and saying No, it isn't ok. If it continues, we leave where we are completely. At this age, neither are verbal, but understand no and having to leave places where they like to play.

[TwinFoxes]

At that age, no matter what approach you take, it will likely require repetition. An insane amount of it sometimes. IMO/IME, that might mean redirection over and over and over...but that's part of teaching them. Even if you use TO, many people find they have to do it over and over and over again as well.

With the hair pulling, have you tried showing her other ways she can interact w/ her sister and her sister's hair? Show her "gentle touch". Have her practice it over and over and over again with you. Give her lots of positive feedback when she does give "gentles". Toddlers often do better if you tell them what you want them to do vs. not do. Maybe show her a high five or some other fun little games she can use to interact. If it is about the hair, just keep practicing the gentle touch if you haven't tried that yet.

I think the hair thing is a bit tricky since it is twins. If were an older child with a younger child, I'd say do what you can to keep them separated if you can't be right there supervising. But i get that that is probably not practical with twins.

Yes, we've been pushing "gentle" since they could move around (see dogs, above!) It really is the twin thing that makes it hard. Separating them is impossible. And they usually play really well together. We'll all be sitting on the floor having a fine time, and then suddenly her little hand just gives a yank!

[brittone2]

Yes, we've been pushing "gentle" since they could move around (see dogs, above!) It really is the twin thing that makes it hard. Separating them is impossible. And they usually play really well together. We'll all be sitting on the floor having a fine time, and then suddenly her little hand just gives a yank!
Yeah, that must be hard! Especially if you can't anticipate when she might do it, and can't really separate them.

[ourbabygirl]

Yeah, for the dog thing, I wonder if you could get one of those baby gates with a dog/ cat opening (tiny door) within it? Put the dogs' beds somewhere behind it, so baby can't crawl/ walk through little opening.
Our cat's litter box is in the basement, and since I obviously don't want DD falling down the stairs, we put up a gate that has the little cat door in it. We got it a couple years ago at PetSmart (I tried Petco, too, but they didn't have one)... I don't know that BabiesRUs would have one, but I'm sure you could also order one online through some company. Ours was around $80, I think.

Good luck!

[newg]

We have two large greyhounds....so anything they can fit though so can DD........and with the personalitites they have, being in a seperte part of the house (not by choice) isn't an option...........

I think it's just something we'll have to keep working on with positive reinforcement/redirection.
We keep the dog bowls in the laundry room with a gate across and I take it down when she is sleeping/eating/outside so they can get at it.....or I put them in there and put the gate back up.................In our old house I put the water/food up when DD was awake and on the ground...it was the only way I could keep her from soaking herself or trying out the local cuisine :)

I tried the time-out thing based on another mom friend who uses it with her boys........she says she started with they were 1 and got a 1 min. timeout for each year old they are..........but I think their family uses a more authoratative/dicsipline approach anyways.....which I don't agree with (like asking "why" type questions is considered talking back)