Do you hover?

[jjjo1112]

I am always so conflicted on the right amount of "hovering" when it comes to the kids. DS, just turned 4 and DD, 2.5 seem to be aggressive children. DS is much better now and uses his words more than his hands but tends to be bossy and always needs to be first. DD is always telling children they are "bad" and pushing or hitting.
That said-when I am out with the kids-at the park, the gym, library, wherever-I feel like I always need to be on top of the kids to try and prevent them from doing certain things. I am reminding DS to take turns or to let others go first and I always tense up when DD is around anyone smaller than her and reminding her to be careful or wait until they are out of the way.
I seem to be the only mom that is doing that. I see other children that push or hit or cut in line and the parents don't seem to be watching. I'm wondering if maybe I am putting too much focus on it and therefore they do it more? I don't want to turn a blind eye either.
We always go over the rules before we exit the car-things like "no hitting, no pushing, use nice words and take turns." We use time-out for discipline. I don't know, I just feel like the other moms seem to be able to sit and chat while the kids are playing and they don't seem to step in unless there is a major problem. What do you guys do?
Jackie
DS 9/05, DD 12/06 and DD 2/09

[MamaKath]

I hover.:popc1:Watching to see what others say.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I hover. Well, I used to with ds1. I haven't had to as much (yet!) with ds2. I do hover near ds2 for safety reasons if there is anything potentially dangerous around. I don't trust him to do stairs safely, for example. He can get hurt really fast.

Ds1 just didn't always play nice (hitting, not sharing...) and I felt like I needed to be there to quickly intervene. It has been so nice now that he is older not to have to worry about that stuff. He grew out of it and is very well behaved, thoughtful and considerate. :)

I didn't like being the only parent (it seemed) to hover but for my family and our needs it was the right thing to do.

Beth

[KpbS]

I definitely hover DS2 as he is very adventurous and very spirited ;) He is too young to sense the danger of playground equipment that is too old for him and parking lots and such.

I have high standards of behavior for my 2. I want them to treat others with respect and kindness. I know kids make mistakes and poor choices but I want to be close enough (earshot often times) to know if they need to apologize to another child or need help diffusing a situation before it escalates. That said I think a playdate at a park with children I know fairly well is very different than a trip to the library. It really bothers me when other moms turn a blind eye to their misbehaving children--esp. if there is a pattern to it all--their child is always unkind to mine/too aggressive/ can't share a specific toy, etc.

[elektra]

I totally hover.

[ellies mom]

I don't hover but I also keep enough of an eye on my kids to make sure they aren't hitting/pushing/whatever. As long as they are "acting right" I sit back and let them play but I step in if they start getting out of line. My oldest was never a hitter or a biter so she was pretty easy although now she is getting a bit of an attitude. My youngest though, she will definately take closer watching. When I do hover though it is usually because my girl's climbing abilities outpaced their sense.

[jjjo1112]

The library isn't a great example-I'm feeling more like at the park, open gyms, playspaces-places where the moms tend to sit on the sidelines. I would say 9 times out of 10, the other moms are not hovering. Also-I guess I'm talking about more hovering to prevent or handle bad behavior-as oppossed to safety issues (not being able to climb, etc).
Jackie

[bubbaray]

I hover if there is food around. Both girls have food allergies....

DH, OTOH, is pretty much the polar opposite of "hover". As in, he'll let the girls (5.5 and 2.5) play in the tub on their own. He'll let them play on the Rainbow playset outside on their own. DD#1 is ready for that, DD#2 not so much -- and she has no fear and is part billy goat.

[elliput]

For enclosed, familiar places I can feel comfortable about not hovering. Unenclosed and unfamiliar places, I have to hover. There is just no telling with DD when she will decide to wander off if something more interesting catches her eye.

[bigsis]

Define hover :)

I do constantly watch the kids when we're out and about. I am not directly over them. I am off to the sideline where I can see and hear what they're doing. And when we are out and I see little ones, I make sure to remind my kids to mind the little ones--do not step on them, do not run into them, make sure they're out of the way before going down the slide.....just be extra careful in general.

[Piglet]

I don't hover but only because I have made a huge point of expecting my kids to behave properly when we are out. I am constantly complimented on their behaviour, which is awesome, but it also reinforces my view that there are a lot of hooligan kids out there, since I think my kids are normal and not exemplary. I think age is a big factor too - I don't trust DD yet so I hover with her, but the boys are pretty free.

[AshleyAnn]

Well DD isn't here yet but I nannyed DN(ephew) and I was a terrible hoverer. SIL and I actually ended our babysitting arrangement over the fact she was much more hands off. I plan to hover over DD at least until she develops some form of self control and whatnot.

[Corie]

My DH hovers enough for the both of us!!

[egoldber]

I try very, very hard not to hover in safe situations. Amy is impulsive and a runner, so I do need to keep a watchful eye on her. But I think hovering when there is not a really good reason to is not healthy for kids.

[lmwbasye]

I definitely hover. I watch them to help teach them how to handle challenging situtions and make sure their behavior is appropriate. I don't think children just figure out how to behave...they need to be taught things like waiting in line, no pushing to get what you want, be aware of those smaller around you, etc. I don't see it as a negative thing...just a way of using those real teaching moments.

That being said, in the home...I'm almost the exact opposite. I mostly get involved when it's physical, but other than that, I keep an open ear and see if they can work things out on their own...9 out of 10 times, they do.

[Seitvonzu]

i haven't read all the replies yet- but HOVERERS UNITE!! :) i'm kidding, sorta. i do tend to hover over lucy. she's my only child and when she was younger, she tended to be a little bit on the "assertive" side. she's not as bad now, but she is on the small side and tends to attract little boys that don't know how to share. i don't know how else to put it; that's just what seems to happen. when she is around girls, they tend to "trade" things or "negotiate" in their toddler way. boys are a different story. it makes me very nervous! when we go to a playground i notice that i'm definitely hover while other mother's sorta let the kids be free. maybe their kids are older?

i don't know-- it actually annoys me when other people's kids clearly are trying to get my attention and "hang" out with ME-- not lucy, ME...because they want a grownups attention. i know it's not the kids fault and i try to be polite, but i'm usually seething a bit because i'm trying to spend time with my child and their distracting me. i'm also trying to keep my child safe. she is a risk taker and very brave on equiptment-- even if it's not age appropriate and she could get hurt. if the other kids were trying to play WITH lucy that would be one thing, but lucy/i really attract kids who want MY attention. when i was childless it was cute...dh would call me "the pide piper", but now it just irritates me . part of it is that my child has personal space issues (like most toddlers, but more so) and she'll start acting out if she feels crowded out. i don't know.

obviously, i'm conflicted. when we go somewhere super familiar i feel like i give her more freedom and she does really well. the 2 times we've visited waldorf school with a friend, i really stepped back and watch lu and it was WONDERFUL. i wish we had more opportunities like that. at our friends houses of course, i let her free too. public is hard, because i feel like so many OTHER people aren't doing their jobs! i'm glad i'm not alone.

[nfowife]

I do not hover much at all. I am perfectly content to watch my children from afar. That said, my children generally behave well in social situations and I have no qualms getting involved if necessary. We go to the playground just about every day and I spend most of my time there on the bench :) . Or, pushing the swing if DS can convince me to get off my tush ;).

[egoldber]

I guess it depends on your definition of hover. I would never ignore my kids when they clearly wanted my attention or needed my help. And I am always mindful of watching social interactions in case the kids need help. Although I do think that when left to their own devices, kids will often work out an acceptable compromise amongst themselves....but I mean older children, not toddlers. My older DD is often bullied, so I am VERY aware that kids often need help with social interactions, but the normal "getting to know each other" phase on the playground between new children does often go better IME when the kids are left alone to sort things out.

By "hovering" I am envisioning someone who hovers over their kids while they play, is constantly interacting with (to the point of interrupting and directing) their children vs allowing them an opportunity to explore at their own pace and in their own way. Perhaps a parent who is ALWAYS right there when their kid plays, just in case something goes wrong. I think this sends a message to our kids that we don't trust them and don't find them capable.

So to me, hovering is different from being engaged and aware. And I see anti-hovering as being different from neglecting. JMO.

[belovedgandp]

I do not consider myself a parent that hovers, but mostly because I do not like that term. If they are happy playing, I may be physically distanced from them, but I am aware of what they are doing. I can usually adjust how close I need to be to watch their interactions (2 YO is much more aggressive than 5 YO ever was) and interact if needed. But I almost always let the kids give a try at resolving things before I step in.

I do consider myself to be a free-range parent and am very anti-helicoptering which I consider to be a destructive form of hovering. Those are the parents at the park who still sit on the bench, but holler out for their kid to be careful climbing that ladder when the kid is half-way up. Ok, if you're worried about their safety, go spot them, but hollering from here when they are half-way up is going to cause them to look away and actually be less safe.

I protect my kids from what I consider to be the real threats to their safety - carseats in vehicles, helmets on bikes - but otherwise, I attempt to teach them the tools to handle things themselves starting with interactions with their peers.

[brittone2]

I think it depends on how you define it. I never had to really hover over DS that much. He was pretty calm toddler/preschooler. He also was always very safety-aware...just his personality.

DD was more of a hitter/biter as a young toddler. It was a short phase thankfully, but yeah, that required some hovering at times. She's also much more daring on things like playground equipment, etc. than he was at that age, so sometimes I *still* hover when she's on a gigantic play structure and trying to slide down the fireman's pole thing at age 2.5.

When they are very young, I think sometimes you really just DO need to be right there, especially if you have a kid prone to hitting, biting, or that has difficulty navigating certain playground social situations. I think it is just being a responsible parent...sometimes they need us to be more hands-on and right there. But then we've hit phases where I could sit down and not hover at all...but they are getting older and are able to handle themselves without as much direct help and supervision from me.

If I see someone being excessively rough toward my child, yeah, I do step in, but I can only think of 1-2 x in DS's 5.5 years that has happened. I usually give him a chance to handle it if he isn't in immediate danger. If he wants to come to me, I will help him. He'll often handle things on his own though (move away from the other party, he'll tell them "I don't like that" and it stops, etc.)

At home my kids are actually pretty free-range.

[sste]

I am not too bad - - I tend toward the short distance away and intervene if needed. DS rarely hits and never bites. Sometimes I have to be careful about bigger kids knocking him over by accident. And I have been pretty proactive about encouraging him to share and encouraging him not to get into a conflict when a kid takes his toy but instead to find another toy to play with.

DH on the other hand is the Ultimate Hovercraft. He has been known to rush into sandboxes and carry DS out when there is the slightest rough activity with other kids!

[LarsMal]

I watch my kids, but I don't hover. If I see them do something they shouldn't be doing I will call them over and remind them of the rules, but I like to sit back and give them the opportunity to be independent. They have both always been pretty steady and coordinated, so I stay close at the park, and definitely keep my eye on them, but I don't hover. I'm that mom that other moms are watching, thinking (or maybe saying), "I can't believe she's letting her little one climb up that thing/go down the slide/etc by herself."

My kids are really only aggressive with each other. I have to watch DS more to make sure he's not letting other kids walk all over him (sometimes literally!). DD can take care of herself, but they have never hit or caused problems with other kids- just each other!

DH tends to hover, but he's getting better.

[elektra]

I also try really hard not to hover. But DD has no fear and I feel like she will eat it hard on playground equipment if I am not guiding her. I also have to watch her at other people's houses because you never know what kind of babyproofing they have and DD would rather open drawers and find dangerous objects than play with actual toys.

And going to the playground stresses me out! I do let DD try to work stuff out on her own with other kids but she is only 2.5 and it seems like there are always bigger kids around (probably because its only on weekends when I take her places) that I need to help her protect herself from. Ex. I went to a neighborhood party last weekend and there was a bean bag toss game being played by a group of boys who were probably around 7 years old. DD kept running in the middle of the game and almost go nailed by a heavy bean bag like 3 times. She just didn't get it when I told her she couldn't play. Was I supposed to just let her get in the middle of their game? Is that hovering if I do?
And then at that same party there was a play structure with a slide. I didn't feel comfortable letting DD climb up the stairs if I was not right there, although there was another 2 year old (I asked her her age) doing just fine and her mom wasn't right there.
However, this other little girl was going down the slide head first which then DD wanted to do. So I let her but only if I could stop her at the bottom. Well, the other girls mom finally saw her going down head first and stomped over and put her in a timeout. Could be my imagination but I got the feeling she was pissed that I was standing right there and didn't stop her daughter. How was I supposed to know she wasn't allowed to do that? Yes, I thought it was dangerous too but is it my place to intervene? I think not. So I will just continue to hover I guess to prevent any other parent from being in the position to have to look out for my kid.

Not sure if anyone is even reading this whole thing, but this topic gives me stress! I never know if I am getting it right.

[ha98ed14]

Honestly, if you have consistently aggressive kids and you are aware of it, I think you have a responsibility to hover and make sure they do not act out towards other children. I think parents who are aware of aggressive patterns in their children and choose to not hover/ intervene are being really irresponsible. I actually know a family that has this problem and after 5+ years of it, no one really wants to be around them. I think people understand that kids grow, mature and gain self control at different ages, so having an aggressive kid is not a deal breaker for having kids for playdates, etc. (IMO), but if they are aggressive and their parental unit does not closely monitor, yeah, I don't want you at my house.

[maestramommy]

I always hover when we're around other kids because I'm afraid my older one will simply take a toy away from someone and I'm afraid my younger one will either break something she's not supposed to get into or climb too high on something that's not meant to be climbed:p

[crl]

When DS was little I pretty much hovered. He tended to just take off running towards the street with no warning. He also would climb anything. So I tried to stay close so I could catch him. Now that he's older, I just try to stay in visual contact. If he's with a friend and on a structure I stay close enough to hear what's going on because he has a history of trying to exclude other (unknown) kids in those circumstances. I have a firm rule that everyone is allowed to play on the equipment at the park so I stay close enough to enforce that with DS if I need to.

Catherine

[egoldber]

if you have consistently aggressive kids and you are aware of it

I don't see anyone here saying that they don't monitor/discpline/deal with aggression.

My children are not aggressive. Amy is ACTIVE. She runs and climbs and is busy, busy, busy. She is not aggressive. Or rather, as someone else mentioned, my kids are only aggressive with each other. Sigh.

[ha98ed14]

I don't see anyone here saying that they don't monitor/discpline/deal with aggression.

My children are not aggressive. Amy is ACTIVE. She runs and climbs and is busy, busy, busy. She is not aggressive. Or rather, as someone else mentioned, my kids are only aggressive with each other. Sigh.

Right. I agree. Active is different than pushing, shoving, and having to be first, which is what I got from what OP said. Didn't mean to accuse or offend. Was just sharing my perspective.

[StantonHyde]

If I am at the playground and don't know the other mothers, I play with my kids. They are only aggressive with each other. If I am talking to someone else or sitting on the sidelines, I have my ears cocked. If a younger child playing in their area stars fussing, I run over just to make sure my kids didn't cause it. My kids tend to walk away if someone takes their stuff or they come cry to me.

On play dates, I basically let them work out unless there is blood or something really nasty going on. My daughter and her friends fight over who gets to wear what dress up accessory all. the. time. My daughter usually fights for a while and then gives in. That's fine. They need to learn to work it out IMO.

My kids are in daycare part time so they are good at playing with other kids. I do agree that if your child does hit, push, shove or is at a biting stage, then you really do need to hover. (probably more applicable to younger ages) But I have read the riot act to some older kids who were throwing sand in the other kids' eyes, or rough-housing on playground equipment meant for little kids and were so close to hurting a little one. (and their parents were no where to be seen)

[arivecchi]

I always hover at the park and wish other parents did as well. My DS is always being blocked from using things at the park or being run down by kids whose parents are blabbing away with other parents. SO annoying.

[american_mama]

I don't hover at all, but I think you are right to do it in your situation. If/when your kids behavior allows you, I think it's great to back off but you're not in that situation yet.

[jjjo1112]

Thanks for all the responses. I am definitely someone that would rather not hover-I let my kids do a lot for their ages and have no qualms about them trying anything on the playground. I'm not worried about them fallin/hurting themselves, but rather pushing the other children. My 4 year old is at the point where he is pretty much appropriate when interacting with other and if I overhear him being bossy-a reminder is all that is needed. My DD (almost 3) is another story. She is constantly aggressive-mostly pushing and telling kids they are bad and that she doesn't like them. It is never provoked and usually the first thing she will do when a child gets near her. DH and some of my other mom friends(that don't hover) have said that since I am hovering to prevent that behavior (or expecting it to happen)-I am expecting her to behave that way. They have gone so far as to say that kids live up to those expectations and by not trusting her to behave well right from the start, I'm setting her up to fail. Not sure if I believe it, but I do think that some of her behavior is to get a reaction from me and if I could ignore it-it might not be as bad.
Jackie

[ShanaMama]

Interesting question. I haven't read through all the responses yet, but guess you'll get many hoverers. Generalizing here, but I know many of us on the boards pride ourselves in being very involved parents. I know I often question whether I'm too involved. So your responses may be skewed in that direction.
To answer your question, I instinctively hover but always try to convince myself not to. For example, when DD1 has a friend over I can interfere every time they are calling each other names, bossing each other around, etc. I find that things just escalate when I hover. When I stay in the background (lightly supervising) they work things out much better.
I struggle with this between my two girls. DD1 is mostly sweet and loving to DD2 but she does plenty of things that DD2 doesn't like. Sometimes its rather harmless but other times its impulsive & physical. I am constantly telling her not to pick up DD2. Then she dumps her on the floor! Haven't come up with quite a good balance yet. My theory, however, is that younger children in a large-ish family are usually better adjusted and more resilient to minor issues, probably becuase they are used to being bothered. DD1 cries over every minor thing & at 15 months, DD2 already brushes things off much more easily.

[ShanaMama]

Thanks for all the responses. I am definitely someone that would rather not hover-I let my kids do a lot for their ages and have no qualms about them trying anything on the playground. I'm not worried about them fallin/hurting themselves, but rather pushing the other children. My 4 year old is at the point where he is pretty much appropriate when interacting with other and if I overhear him being bossy-a reminder is all that is needed. My DD (almost 3) is another story. She is constantly aggressive-mostly pushing and telling kids they are bad and that she doesn't like them. It is never provoked and usually the first thing she will do when a child gets near her. DH and some of my other mom friends(that don't hover) have said that since I am hovering to prevent that behavior (or expecting it to happen)-I am expecting her to behave that way. They have gone so far as to say that kids live up to those expectations and by not trusting her to behave well right from the start, I'm setting her up to fail. Not sure if I believe it, but I do think that some of her behavior is to get a reaction from me and if I could ignore it-it might not be as bad.
Jackie

Why don't you try not hovering as much? Would it be so bad if she started acting aggressive & you weren't there to step in? To me pushing is not acceptable but I'd allow the aggressive talk to progress a bit & see what it turns into. She might change her tune after seeing that the other kids don't want to play with her when she's not nice to them.
FWIW, DD1 can be very bossy. Too often I hear my sharp voice coming out of her mouth when she's talking to her friends. (where's that ashamed smilie?) When that happens I remind myself to soften my tone even when reprimanding her, and I usually see her respond similarly.

[Nooknookmom]

I so hover. I "swore" I wouldn't hover w/ DD2 but if I don't, she'll somehow figure out how to construct an atom bomb in the kitchen. So I still hover.

Guess it's in me genes.

[new_mommy25]

I hovered with DS. I had to. He had a lot of energy and like your DC, would often push, or be bossy, wanted to play with certain toys, and he always wanted to be first. In fact, there was a period, around 2 or 3, that I just took a break from play groups because they were exhausting for me and DS just could not control himself. I am proud to say that at age 6 he is an absolutely lovely child and hovering is no longer as necassary. Now I just kind of keep an ear open and I will intervene and give DS a quick reminder when necassary. It's been years since he has hit or laid a hand on anyone, but he still has that desire to always win and always be first. For example, at a Halloween party, they were doing a team game of mummy wrap. There were 4 members on each team and DS and two other boys wanted to be wrapped. DS suggested they do rock, paper, scissor to settle the dispute. DS won the first round but when he played the next boy he lost. However instead of accepting the loss he started to argue and said the boy had "slow hand", etc. It was a little embarrasing. I wasn't next to them but I was watching and quickly stepped in and diffused the situation. Luckily DS got over it immediately and enjoyed the game.

OTOH, DD is totally different. Hovering is not necassary with her because she would never touch another child. She is very shy and will often spend much of her time by my side rather than playing with the other children (as opposed to DS who was a runner and very extroverted). She would rather I hover and be with her all the time which is kind of a pain for me because sometimes I would rather be on the sidelines chatting with the moms. :) I worry about her because although she is not a hitter, she does sometimes say unkind words. A lot of it is due to her shyness. For instance, if she notices another little girl looking at her, she will say, "WHY is she looking at me??" in a tone I percieve to be rude. Sigh. We are working on that.

[maestramommy]

I'm reading these replies, and I'm thinking maybe we should define hover?:p I said I hover, but from a distance. I guess what I really do is watch. In a playground I don't always hover. When you have two kids with very dissimilar interests at the playground you'll spend a lot of time running back and forth. Dora on the swings at one end, needing to be pushed. Arwyn on the slide on the other end, needing to be caught at the bottom. I did this while preggo with Lauren and it was (mildly) comical.

I watch more attentively if we're at a crowded playdate. When there are a LOT of kids in someone's home, there are bound to be disputes over toys.

[Asianmommy]

When my first child was little, I totally hovered. With my second, I relaxed quite a bit. Now that they're older, they have a lot more freedom, but I still keep a close eye on them. On Halloween night, we were trick-or-treating with my 2nd grader's classmates & I heard a couple of the other kids saying "I want candy. I want it now. Give me candy... etc, etc." So, even at 7, they still need helpful reminders on how to behave.