Picking your battles

[LarsMal]

The colder weather is here and I'm back to fighting with DD1 about socks. She HATES socks! Inside out, seamless, doesn't matter. It's not the seam, it's the sock. She doesn't like anything tight on her body. It's a battle I chose not to fight last year, and I don't really feel up to it again this year. I rarely wear socks, so I can't say, "Look, we're *all* wearing socks!" :)

She also refuses to wear a coat or jacket. There were times last year I had to fight- literally wrestle her into her coat- but most of the time I just said forget it. I would bring it with me, but she wouldn't wear it. I remember taking her out Christmas shopping last December in bare feet and no jacket. I got quite a few looks in the mall (she refused to sit in the stroller, too).

She is extremely stubborn and the fight just isn't worth it. I don't have any of these problems with DS.

What battles do you choose not to fight, or if you do, how do you win without major meltdowns (or bribery!)?

[brittone2]

DD was having a terrible day on Sunday. She usually wakes up happy after her nap but she was a total trainwreck (time change, etc. messed her up). SHe wouldn't get dressed, she didn't want to get her hair brushed, etc.

We were supposed to go to dinner for my dad's bday. I was going to have DH just stay home with DD. DH was really patient with her and just kept waiting her out, but she was just melting down (had her shirt on inside out and backwards and wouldn't change it, wouldn't put her shoes on, etc.). Eventually I think he waited her out and she got her shirt on correctly, but went to dinner wearing two different colored socks (neither matched her shirt in any way), with unbrushed hair. She finally picked out her (non matching) shoes.

In the end, I'm glad we all went. She was totally happy and fun at dinner. She just *looked* like a trainwreck. But I know my dad was so happy to have her there vs. at home with DH.

[ha98ed14]

I think it depends on if that particular battle is one they will get over, KWIM? My DD has lots of opinions about what she does and does not want. When I force the issue, she gets upset/ melts down, but she adjusts, sometimes quickly, sometimes not. Socks and hair brushing are these kinds of issues for us too, but once they are on, we keep moving an she eventually she acclimates. On the issues I know she will adjust to, I push it. There are some that she won't, like sitting on the potty; she will scream the whole time on there, so I don't force it.

For the mall examply you gave, I would say something like, "If you don't wear shoes, you must ride in the stroller; if you want to walk, you must wear shoes." Lather, rinse, repeat. I do this all the time. Sometimes it takes several minutes for her to "decide." If she is taking a long time, I will say, "You need to decide or mommy will decide for you," which is the same line I use when she needs to get in the car seat and won't. You do it, or I will.

Anyway, those might all be things you have tried before, but hopefully you know you're not alone. If she really is uncontrollable and you are at your wits end, take her to a child psych and make sure all is well. He/ she might be able to give you some strategies. Remember Liza too Shuyler (sp?) to one for his anxiety and it did wonders!

[sariana]

Could she wear lined boots with no socks? I personally would hate that, but I can't wear shoes WITHOUT socks, just the opposite of your DD, apparently.

[sste]

I *think* someone told me that the idea behind uggs - - and the knockoffs - - is that you are supposed to wear them without socks and that many people in Australia/New Zealand do this. Not sure if it is true . . .

[brittone2]

I *think* someone told me that the idea behind uggs - - and the knockoffs - - is that you are supposed to wear them without socks and that many people in Australia/New Zealand do this. Not sure if it is true . . .

My kids haven't had uggs but we did the softstar boots one year for DS (and DD wore them a bit as well) and they often wore them without socks. THe shearling is supposed to wick away moisture.

[LarsMal]

Lined boots or even the crocs with the lining might work. She loves to play with shoes and try shoes on, but doesn't like to wear them when necessary. She kicks them off as soon as she can. They are usually off before I pull out of a parking spot. I guess she really *is* my child b/c I am the same way!

Sometimes I'm able to push and win, but she has been known to throw a screaming, raging fit over socks or shoes (or anything else really) for extended periods of time! If I push and she finally puts socks on, she'll take them off as soon as I start driving. The other day I heard her saying, in her carseat, "I am taking off my socks and just putting my shoes on, and I'm not wearing socks anymore." And she did.

She is also one of those kids who you can't bribe or barter with. Once she makes up her mind she won't budge. She likes to do the opposite of anything- sometimes everything- I ask. We've even tried reverse psychology on her, but that doesn't work either. She's a smart little cookie!

ETA: Just remember I DID buy her lined croc-type shoes last year from TCP in hopes it would work. She wouldn't wear those, either, because they were "hot". Maybe this year...

So yeah, we'll probably be in therapy one of these days- for me or her, not sure which one yet!

[maestramommy]

I went through the whole jacket/socks/shoes battle last year and just gave up. I figure Dora will know when she's really cold, and I was right. If she was going to wear her outside clothes it had to be her idea or it wasn't going to happen, and I was too preggo to get into a wrestling match with a stubborn toddler. I even let her walk to the car in bare feet. Guess who started complaining about cold feet before she even got in the car? Duh;)

[spanannie]

No real advice, but I think our daughters were separated at birth.

[tnrnchick74]

I don't fight about food. If he's not hungry, he doesn't eat...and he waits until the next snack/meal time. I also don't stress over messes...

[niccig]

we had the opposite problem. DS insisted on wearing jeans when it was 100F. We were on vacation at a friend's house, and the tantrum raged for ages - we had told him he could choose any shorts and he finally put them on and came up from the basement bedroom as sweet as pie saying "I'm ready to play now" After that, I didn't fight it as I didn't want that every day for our vacation. He would wear jeans, and I would tell him I had shorts to change him into. 2 hours outside and he would want to change. I would do the same with the cold weather clothes, just have them with you and you can put them on later. If she'll wear shoes but no socks, then don't fight the socks.

[MamaMolly]

Hugs. Big hugs. DD is getting more like your DD1 every single day. Crafty and stubborn is a doozie. God help us through the teen years!

With the socks thing I don't know how important they are. If the fleece lined shoes are too hot, I'd let the sock thing go. IIWY I'd look for boots that lace up. My sister's DD won't keep her shoes on and double knotting laces is about the only thing that works. If you get DD lace up boots she won't be able to take them off herself. That way no one will *know* if she doesn't wear socks. Course when your DD figures out that she can't get the boots off then I wish you all the luck in the world getting them ON her the next time! ;)

For me, the no shoes thing is a deal breaker *when outside of our house*. I prefer barefoot, I drive barefoot, etc, etc. But DH has a hard and fast rule that DD doesn't leave the house without shoes on and it makes sense. It is one of those family rules that we don't bend on. So I guess when picking my battles that is one of the few I will take her to the mat on.

As for the coat thing, I'd just dress DD in layers upon layers. She'll be warmer than with a coat anyway. And IGNORE the stink eye. Or shop at Walmart where a barefoot kid in December is the least of weird things a person will see!

[egoldber]

I don't argue about jackets. I carry it and if she gets cold, we put it on.

Socks too.

Just so not worth it.

[Joolsplus2]

Ugg Boots and Croc Mammoths don't need socks, that's what I get Leah to wear when possible :D. Maybe you could try a poncho instead of a jacket/coat? Stick a cotton undershirt on her and don't worry about it, though.
Only battle we have this year is that she hates the adorable dresses I have several of, and I'm bummed about it.

[HIU8]

I don't fight the coat battle either. DS hates to wear one in the car so we use a blanket. He must wear one in the cold weather to go from the car into school (its a long walk) and at school on the playground (I let the teachers battle that one out with him and he has missed playground time a few times b/c he refused to put his jacket on).

Battles I do fight (not getting a toy every time we go shopping for something; socks--they at least have to wear tennis socks; brushing teeth; eating protein during the day).

[LarsMal]

Only battle we have this year is that she hates the adorable dresses I have several of, and I'm bummed about it.

DD hated wearing dresses from the time she was 18 months- I think it was more the tights, but she would roll around on the floor screaming and crying until I changed her out of the dress...hmmm, sense the pattern here?! Now all she wants to wear are dresses, which was fine in the summer, but she hates tights. She will wear leggings though, I guess because they don't cover her feet. Ever since she entered the "beautiful princess" phase she's all about dresses...just don't try to cover those feet!

[Tanya]

I think it's mostly the age. When my youngest hit 3, that's when reasoning went out the window. Bribes are worthless, etc. My oldest was the same way at that age. I guess for some it is the terrible two's, but mine were the terrible three's without a doubt.

Today, she insisted on a dress. I was happy I got one on her with long sleeves. I did not win on the leggings, but got socks on her for a few hours. They are off now and I have no idea where they are.

I bought them both the lined Crocs this year. For my oldest, they are super nice for going to tumbling class and not having to deal with sweaty socks or shoelaces. For my youngest, well, she's 3. There are days when she refuses to wear socks or keep them on and it's just easier to slip those Crocs on than to fight about it.

Coats immediately come off and rarely go back on. They were taught that they can't wear heavy coats in their carseats, but the youngest thinks that means NO lightweight jackets or anything like that. After a few stops at stores, she refuses to even put it on. I don't believe kids get sick from being cold (unless we're talking hypothermia), so I'll either wrap her in her coat or mine and carry her or just let her go without. If she's cold, she'll figure out that wearing it would keep her warmer.

We fight every morning over her taking her fluoride and brushing her teeth and combing her hair. I go to battle over those. I insist on eat decent food before crap, but if they don't eat something decent, they just don't get the crap. I don't fight about it, it's just the way it is.

[alien_host]

My DD often hates socks too...or I get her to put them on and she takes shoes and socks off in the car. :rolleyes:

The coat thing too...I try convincing her a few times and then I give up. I just send it to school with her stuff and hope the teacher can get her to put it on when/if they go out (preschool). ;)

I should look into the Crocs with the fuzzy lining.

[Gena]

We do a lot of picking our battles around here too. I use two major criteria in deciding whether or not a battle is worth fighting:

1. Is it a safety/health issue, either for himself or someone else?

Things that fall under safety and health are not an option. DS must hold hands in paking lots, must get his teeth brushed, must be gentle with his baby cousin, must not run in the house, etc. Most of these things are pretty obvious as a battle worth fighting.

2. Will it affect his ability to function as an adult?

This is really the key issue for me and determines a lot of which battles I fight and which I let go. So we mainly focus on stuff like appropriate social behavior, because that's going to affect his ability to get along in the world. And his more severe sensory issues that interfere with regular activities.

Then there's the stuff I totally let go. Here are a couple of examples:

Most days DS insists on wearing a shirt with stripes. Will it matter if he's an adult and wants to wear stripeed shirts all the time? Probably not. So he has striped t-shirts, polo shirts, rugbys, sweaters, etc.

DS insists on eating his breakfast on a green plate. Will it matter if he does this as an adult? I doubt it, since I know plenty of adults who use their one favorite coffee cup every day. So I let him eat his breakfast on the same plate every morning.

There are more, but you get the idea.

[hillview]

I am with Gina. Safety things are not negotiable. I don't fight about clothes (socks and jacket would not get me upset -- might the first time if I didn't get the deal but after that not a battle I'd fight). I don't fight about food. I do hold the line on bad manners at the table, staying seated at the table and general behavior (being nice not biting not hurting others not saying mean things -- you get the point). Also appropriate ways of expressing youself and the need to apologize etc.
/hillary