What do you think of other people when their children are misbehaving in public?

[bubbaray]

This is a spinoff of another thread....

When you see a child in a "tantrum" or "meltdown" in public, do you make a judgement about that child -- ie., they are "bad" or "hooligans" or ???

Do you judge the parent(s) or their parenting effectiveness?


Just wondering.

Disclosure -- before I had children, I did judge and cringe when I saw children acting out in public. Now, not so much. I think some people get lucky with well-behaved children and others deal with "high energy" children. For those people (and I'm one of them), they can do all the "right" things and still have an explosive child.

[khalloc]

I think it kind of depends on the parent and what they are doing. Usually I feel sorry for the parent. But if the parent seems totally ghetto, and isnt trying with their kid, then maybe I might judge a little...

[m448]

I have tons of empathy for parents having a hard time with a child out and about.

[egoldber]

Disclosure -- before I had children, I did judge and cringe when I saw children acting out in public. Now, not so much. I think some people get lucky with well-behaved children and others deal with "high energy" children. For those people (and I'm one of them), they can do all the "right" things and still have an explosive child.

:yeahthat: Yup. That was so me. And honestly, even after my first child when she was still a toddler, because she was extremely easy going.

Now, they have my full sympathy. I have been that mom carrying a screaming toddler under my arm at Target and gotten the glares and it is soooo not fun.


and isnt trying with their kid, then maybe I might judge a little...

Um, yeah. Me looking like I am not trying is me trying REALLY FREAKING HARD not to cry or completely lose it and hit my kid.

[SnuggleBuggles]

It depends but the vast majority of the time I feel sympathetic. I am just seeing a snapshot of their day and this may not be typical behavior for the child. I pay more attention to how it is handled and judge that more (does the parent yell, hit, give in...?). I don't judge younger kids...older ones (like 7yo+) I might think something like, "glad my ds doesn't do that!" or something like that. It'd take something egregious, like Strollermom's experience with the bully for me to start thinking bad thoughts of the child.

Beth

[wellyes]

Sympathy, lots of it. With very young because I know they can't do much about it and for older kids since I assume that means ther are deep behavioral issues (if tantrums are not age-appropriate.)

All that goes out the window if I see the parent yell at, disparage, or manhandle/spank the child. I know everyone gets frustrated and does things they aren't proud of, but I have a very very hard time witnessing a miserable child being punished for acting out.

[kristenk]

I'll agree that it depends on what it appears the parent is doing. I know that *every* child can be sent over the edge into melt-down at some point and it has nothing to do with the parents.

I'll admit that I do have a bit of a problem when it appears that the parent isn't doing anything and their child's behavior affects other people.

Here's my "not okay" example: I was at my local grocery store. I was getting something from a bulk bin, when a man and (presumably) his 2-3yo son came by. Son opened up the nearest bulk bin, grabbed a chocolate covered pretzel with his hand. Father said something along the order of, "come on" and encouraged his child to come with him. Father did not hold son's hand, pick him up, or anything. Child puts chocolate covered pretzel *back* in the bin and then grabs several strawberry covered pretzels from the other bin. That's the point where I decided to avoid purchases from bulk bins as much as possible during flu season.

My problem in the above scenario is that the father did not even try to prevent his child from rummaging through the bulk bins with his bare hands. I do think that the father was embarrassed about the whole thing. If he had even grabbed his child's hand to *try* to keep him away from the other bulk containers, I would have felt more charitable toward him.

[billysmommy]

Sympathy, lots of it. With very young because I know they can't do much about it and for older kids since I assume that means ther are deep behavioral issues (if tantrums are not age-appropriate.)

All that goes out the window if I see the parent yell at, disparage, or manhandle/spank the child. I know everyone gets frustrated and does things they aren't proud of, but I have a very very hard time witnessing a miserable child being punished for acting out.

This is exactly what I was thinking

[stella]

I usually feel sorry for them.

[elektra]

I was such a hater before kids. I had no clue that tantrums might possibly result even when the parents are doing everything they can to prevent them!
Now I judge much less, and my horror at the tantrums is more like, "thank God that is not my kid right now because I would hate to have to be that parent dealing with this in front of everyone."
(It still bugs me when kids run around in restaurants though.)

[bubbaray]

Me looking like I am not trying is me trying REALLY FREAKING HARD not to cry or completely lose it and hit my kid.


ITA with Beth. There have been so many times when I've been dealing with one of the girls having a complete meltdown and I might look on the outside like I'm oblivious, but inside I'm just horrified that this is happening to me (again!) and I'm trying with every cell not to cry and/or completely snap.

[KpbS]

Do you judge the parent(s) or their parenting effectiveness?

Disclosure -- before I had children, I did judge and cringe when I saw children acting out in public. Now, not so much. I think some people get lucky with well-behaved children and others deal with "high energy" children. For those people (and I'm one of them), they can do all the "right" things and still have an explosive child.

I used to before kids as well but now I know better ;) Now I tend to judge if I see someone using really questionable parenting techniques (groups of children running wild throughout stores so they could run into others or knock over elderly people) or ignoring bad behavior that is dangerous (child standing in a shopping cart).

I like to think that everyone has experienced a horrible shopping trip or two and hopefully they can remember the same when mine are melting down for whatever reason.

[crl]

As a general matter, I think, "glad that's not me today" and move on.

Catherine

[Cheburashka]

Usually I feel sympathetic. When I was a junior/senior in high school, I taught pre-ballet and pre-tap to little girls, about 3-5 years old. My class had about 10 girls in it, and some days it was a total nightmare. One girl was such a piece of work, but only because she had sooooo much energy! For the ballet part of class, it was hard to get her to settle down, and if she didn't burn off the energy, she'd start throwing tantrums about anything and everything. I don't know how the mom ever took her out in public without having her scream or cry about something.

I usually think worse of the parents who just let their kids run wild through stores or restaurants than the parents who are trying to handle a child in the middle of a meltdown.

[MamaMolly]

I usually think 'Your turn!' and try really hard to seem sympathetic. I used to be a bit smug about the way I handled tantrums in public. But this summer I was pushed SO far beyond my ability to constructively deal with any stress that sometimes I'd be *that* mom and ignore really horrible behavior in public. A very humbling experience.

I also have issues with kids in food bins and buffets, but always have. I look at it as a parenting thing, not a bad kid thing.

[clc053103]

Definitely sympathetic. And comforted in a way- it's very comforting to me to see other children not behaving perfectly at every moment, makes my child seem totally normal!

[maestramommy]

This might sound crazy, but before kids I don't remember seeing any misbehaving or tantrumy kids in public. The most I remember is kids running around with a mommy chasing them trying to feed them.

In the early days I used to think "the poor kid needs a nap." Now I just don't think anything anymore. Like an explosive child in public is just another day in the life:p

[JTsMom]

Sympathy, lots of it. With very young because I know they can't do much about it and for older kids since I assume that means ther are deep behavioral issues (if tantrums are not age-appropriate.)

All that goes out the window if I see the parent yell at, disparage, or manhandle/spank the child. I know everyone gets frustrated and does things they aren't proud of, but I have a very very hard time witnessing a miserable child being punished for acting out.
:yeahthat: During at least 50% of our errands, we are that mom/child. I will never ever ever again judge a meltdown, unless the parent is being cruel, which is 100 times worse than any meltdown I've ever witnessed.

And another :yeahthat: to still not judging when it looks like the mom is ignoring it. There are times when out of respect for everyone around me, I will choose to just focus on getting out of the common area as soon as I possibly can, and will speak with DS later. My method is so far from doing nothing, but it might not be apparent to a random bystander.

[sste]

I am pretty judgmental of parents that are abusive to their kids when their tone/voice makes it seem that they have said/done X many times before and it is not just a one-off loss of control. I was in the store the other day and a man turned to his toddler and snarled in a very practiced way, "If you don't stop crying I am going to give you something to cry about" and postured his body at his child in a very physically aggressive way. Forget mommy drive-by if he hit that child in front of me, I am really afraid that DH would have had to pry my nails out of that man's face . . .

I think part of this is my own baggage and sure I may sometimes be wrong about who is a serial abuser versus who has temporarily lost their cool. But, I don't think it is the end of the world. If strangers giving ME nasty looks provides a disincentive for me to yell at or god forbid hit DS, then I am GRATEFUL for their nasty looks.

[sarahsthreads]

I only have sympathy for them, because at any given moment that could be me. And DD2 is *so* going to make up for DD1 being a relatively easy baby. She quite literally just did the full on tantrum-on-the-floor with little fists pounding and feet kicking because I wouldn't let her climb into the dishwasher. She's FIFTEEN MONTHS. Someone pass the twisty straw and the wine, please...?

I'll admit, though, I did judge a little when I was at Target at 9:45 at night and a clearly overwrought and overtired toddler was having a meltdown in the cart while his father was browsing the card and office supplies aisles. The dad kept telling him to shut up and stop whining. I felt really bad for the baby who clearly needed to be home in bed - and it's not like his dad had to drag him there to run in and get some medicine or something, kwim?

But I think situations like that are the exception rather than the rule.

Sarah :)

[niccig]

I check to make sure DS isn't joining in. No judgment, just empathy

[Angelphyre]

I used to be that person looking at the parent(s) like what are you doing? You must be doing something wrong. After going on baby #3, and becoming that parent, I am so empathetic! I've become that parent who cannot control their child's tantrums. No matter what I try, time-outs at the store, rewarding good behavior, when DS(2)and DD(3) is not together, they're fine. It when they're together that they feed off e/o. #3 is still a baby THANK goodness! But I realize that sometimes, there's nothing you can do. They're still learning about their emotions, and I have to let it be. I tend to ignore the behavior or try not to draw attention to it, but it's hard. I then came to the conclusion that I'd rather not shop w/ them all together, so basically avoiding the situation. But then how would they learn? I'm terrified to go out to eat w/ them b/c they can't sit still. I'm so envious of other parents I see whose child(ren) don't run off or behave so well. Is it just personalities?

[AnnieW625]

I still hate tantrums in public esp. at the discount stores like Target or Wal Mart (Wal Mart is much worse in my area so I tend to avoid it all together). My daughter is no saint and like I have said in other parenting posts my daughter bolts from me a lot. I will feel sorry for the parents if the child is just melting down and the parent can't do a thing to get them to stop using a calming voice. The ones I can't stand and have no sympathy for are the ones who raise their voices at their children and sound like they are attacking them or something. Sometimes I think they are part of the problem.

Bad children at restaurants really bothers me too, but again like in a store if the parents are trying to calm them down I don't get mad. When parents are doing nothing then we have a problem. We've been really lucky with DD because she has always been good when we go out to eat (about once a month) and we think it's because we started her at a young age.

[g-mama]

I don't judge, unless it seems like the parent just doesn't care. You can usually tell the difference between a parent ignoring their child as strategy vs. ignoring the child because it suits their needs (as in browsing magazines).

I have been (still am) that mom too many times to dare pass judgment on another parent whose child is acting up. When I have all three boys out with me at the same time somewhere like the grocery store, I would say my kids often seem to be out control. Do I like feeling that way? No. Do I work on this all the time? Yes. My kids are energetic and for some reason, in constant competition with one another. Who gets to push the cart, who gets to push the button...it goes on and on. However, I think I probably am too hard on myself and them (my dh is certain that I am) in terms of worrying about how we look and I probably imagine it to be worse than it is.

I feel like I see moms with well-behaved, calm, controlled kids more often than I see moms with kids out of control and I judge *myself.*

[g-mama]

We've been really lucky with DD because she has always been good when we go out to eat (about once a month) and we think it's because we started her at a young age.

We started our kids at a young age, too. We go out to eat quite frequently - way more than once a month - and always have. My oldest ds was great in a restaurant but somehow when we began having more children, the greater the opportunity to act up presented itself. Bickering, fighting over crayons, who gets to sit next to Daddy, who gets to tell a story which causes each other one to fight for the attention instead...

[Melanie]

It depends upon what the parents are, or are not, doing. Though I try not to judge, anyway, but I think we all know how that goes. :o

[ThreeofUs]

I think it depends. I never was much of a kid person before I had kids, lol, but I still always felt more was going on than I could know. After all, it NEVER looks like the kids or adults are having fun in these situations.

[StantonHyde]

I'm usually too busy with mine to notice any other kids!!

[egoldber]

We've been really lucky with DD because she has always been good when we go out to eat (about once a month) and we think it's because we started her at a young age.

When Sarah was a baby/toddler we used to go out to eat every single Friday night. DH and I had always done this since we were dating. It was our tradition, and a highly valued, well-loved tradition. We could sit Sarah in a restaurant high chair, order a meal and then have coffee. And dessert. And chat. :ROTFLMAO:

We have not had a dinner like that (with the kids) since Amy was born. Even as an infant, she would not sit in her infant seat and sleep like Sarah would. She wanted to be held and often nursed all though dinner. Or just scream. So we stopped going out to eat. And when we do, it's at 4:30 at a place like Chili's where we know EXACTLY what we want to order before we sit down, give our full order when they come to take our drink order AND we often STILL have to have someone leave the restaurant with Amy and walk around outside while the other person eats.

Kids are different. Some kids are HARD.

[HIU8]

My kids are what I would consider borderline when we go out to eat. We have always taken them from day one. They bring toys to play with, yet they can still be loud, want to get up etc... They are starting to calm down now. Our big issue is in stores. It's mostly DS who explodes/has issues. I do not go anywhere with DS that we don't discuss what exactly is going to happen in the store and the consequences if he starts complaining or begging for something or throwing a tantrum. I literally spend 20 minutes before we go into a store on this and make him repeat what I've said and explain it to me. That is the only thing that helps. It has helped DD understand what is expected of her to (DS telling her what we are shopping for etc...). I have been that mom carrying DS out of a store in the football hold minus my purchases that I had to leave and not pay for b/c he was melting down.

[LarsMal]

I am that parent far too often now to judge anyone else!

ETA: Or should I say those are my kids far too often now?!

I just got back from BB&Beyond where L&M weren't being "bad" but were definitely feeding off of each other and pushing the limits of misbehaving. I could feel my blood pressure rising when a woman came up to me, smiling, and said, "They are so cute and so well behaved." I thought- REALLY!?!? I decided maybe my expectations are too high and they were actually doing fine considering their ages, where we were, and how long we were there!

[Fairy]

I still hate tantrums in public esp. at the discount stores like Target or Wal Mart (Wal Mart is much worse in my area so I tend to avoid it all together). My daughter is no saint and like I have said in other parenting posts my daughter bolts from me a lot. I will feel sorry for the parents if the child is just melting down and the parent can't do a thing to get them to stop using a calming voice. The ones I can't stand and have no sympathy for are the ones who raise their voices at their children and sound like they are attacking them or something. Sometimes I think they are part of the problem.

Bad children at restaurants really bothers me too, but again like in a store if the parents are trying to calm them down I don't get mad. When parents are doing nothing then we have a problem. We've been really lucky with DD because she has always been good when we go out to eat (about once a month) and we think it's because we started her at a young age.

Yes, I pretty much emulate this post. Basically, you can't really know what's up alot of the time, as it's just a snapshot. It truly depends on the situation, how the child is being fostered thru the tantrum and where they are at the time. Something like an adult environment, such as a movie theatre (and I don't mean the Toy Story matinee), public performance of some kind, or a "luxury" type of deal (oh, like a Star Trek convention where Nimoy is speaking, thank you very much!), I get very annoyed if the parent doesn't escort their child out until they can calm down. These are things we just have to sacrafice sometimes if our kids needs come first or their behavior (age-typical or otherwise) suddenly rears its head.

Last week I was in Target, and a mom had stepped away from her baby in a carrier in a cart (strapped on) about was five feet away and turned away to get something on an aisle end-cap, I saw the mom, she was in ear and eyeshot, not an aisle away or anything, but not RIGHTthere. The baby was wailing cuz the older brother was trying to calm it down with toys. It was actually a cute concept, the little boy was trying to sooth his sibling, but he was maybe three, himself, so not really soothing! I stood there and just watched them to be sure they were ok until the mom took the three steps back to the cart. She did, and then she looked at me and snarled, "is there something I can do for you?!" I understood her anger, and I calmly said, "I was just watching them to be sure they were ok. I saw you were there, I understand what you were doing, I'm not judging you; I was just keeping an eye on them." I don't think she believed me cuz she walked away and said, "sometimes babies cry." Oh well.

[BillK]

This is a spinoff of another thread....

When you see a child in a "tantrum" or "meltdown" in public, do you make a judgement about that child -- ie., they are "bad" or "hooligans" or ???

Do you judge the parent(s) or their parenting effectiveness?

I just think to myself...."Better them than me!" :ROTFLMAO:

[mommyp]

Sympathy, lots of it. With very young because I know they can't do much about it and for older kids since I assume that means ther are deep behavioral issues (if tantrums are not age-appropriate.)

All that goes out the window if I see the parent yell at, disparage, or manhandle/spank the child. I know everyone gets frustrated and does things they aren't proud of, but I have a very very hard time witnessing a miserable child being punished for acting out.

:yeahthat:
Generally I try to look encouraging to the other parent, maybe to balance out the glares from the other shoppers...

[jenfromnj]

I am definitely more sympathetic and less judgmental since having DS, and also seeing how my sister and friends can be doing everything possible but still their kids (mainly ages 1.5 to 4) freak out sometimes. He is still too young to have major tantrums, but he's definitely strong-willed already and is not an easy baby (as mentioned by others, he rarely makes it through a meal in a restaurant without one of us having to take him out and walk him around), so I am mentally preparing to have "that child" at least occasionally.

I agree that, while obviously parents should take steps to minimize and deflect this kind of behavior, it is somewhat the "luck of the draw". It's like with sleeping--DS is a terrible sleeper, despite our best efforts, but some people (my MIL for instance, and my aunt) insist that we must be doing something wrong and causing his bad sleeping, because they were able to get their kids STTN by the time they were DS's age or younger. Well, lucky you, I say!

[alien_host]

:yeahthat:
Generally I try to look encouraging to the other parent, maybe to balance out the glares from the other shoppers...

:yeahthat: I give what I think is an encouraging look and I hope it doens't come across as judgmental.

I don't judge, I've been there, dragging a kicking and screaming kid out of the store is no fun.

I do feel I'm judged all the time though....I'm going to post a spinoff!

Pre-kids I probably just ignored it. RE: Restaurants, if we are in a family type place like Bertuccis/Chili's/Bugaboo Creek, I don't mind the misbehavior of others as much as nicer places, KWIM? DD is generally OK at restaurants although she likes to stand on the booth and "look at the neighbors" and that drives me insane and I'm always telling her to sit down.

[Corie]

Usually, I feel bad for the parent.

And then I feel glad that it's not my kid. :) Because it could so easily
be anyone's kid.

[MontrealMum]

I try to be sympathetic. I've actually never had a DS meltdown in a store - only because I'm terrified to push the limits and shop too often with him now that he's so fond of having tantrums. I have had some sticky moments at the clinic and dr's office, once on the Metro, and DH LOST him in my uni's library - but luckily noone seemed upset, and lots of people smiled at me. He often goes out of places sideways :)

[JTsMom]

Speaking of sympathetic smiles vs. glares, I have to say, even though I have the king of public meltdowns as my son, we have more often encountered a smile and a kind word than a glare or a rude comment (although I've seen/heard a few of those too). Just last weekend, all 3 of us ran into Target to grab a storage box. That was all we needed, and DS had begged to go in, so we all went. Somehow, he still had a meltdown, and I had to do the walk of shame to the front door with him. On the way, an older woman stopped DH and told him that her son was the same way at DS's age, and to hang in there.

[brittone2]

Usually, I feel bad for the parent.

And then I feel glad that it's not my kid. :) Because it could so easily
be anyone's kid.

:yeahthat:

[ha98ed14]

I think that they must be having a hard time at that moment; or maybe they are having a bad day or DC is having a bad day. Since I've BTDT, I don't judge anyone based on the child's behavior. But honestly, when I see a parent yell at their kid after doing something fairly innocent, or see a parent drag their kid out of a using using the child's arm as a leash, yeah, I think some things.

[mecawa]

This is a spinoff of another thread....

When you see a child in a "tantrum" or "meltdown" in public, do you make a judgement about that child -- ie., they are "bad" or "hooligans" or ???

Do you judge the parent(s) or their parenting effectiveness?


Just wondering.

Disclosure -- before I had children, I did judge and cringe when I saw children acting out in public. Now, not so much. I think some people get lucky with well-behaved children and others deal with "high energy" children. For those people (and I'm one of them), they can do all the "right" things and still have an explosive child.

I was the same way!!!! Now I have a child who is "high energy" and can totally relate/sympathize when I see a parent dealing with a tantrum in public.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

i think one has to specify what one means when they refer to "children misbehaving", because it can mean so many things. Also, i think it depends on the scenario. When I see a kid simply throwing a tantrum (rolling on the floor, screaming,crying) in say a Wal-mart or whatever, it doesn't really bother me, and I do feel really sorry for the mom that she has to deal with it (and for the kid too, who probably is tired/hungry and has likely been dragged around here and there all day). Same thing on airplanes..babies cry and scream and imagine it's just because their poor ears can't handle the pressure (my DH is a grown man and even he whines about ear pain during take off). So sure yeah, it's annoying to have to listen to a crying/screaming kid in a crowded area (e/g. bus/plane), but i usually just figure it's one of those "what can you do?" situations. Like, yeah it would royally suck to have to sit to next someone who is puking up their dinner in a barf bag, but what can you do..the person cannot help it, so you can't really get upset at them, KWIM?

That being said, what does really bother me is when kids are actually outright misbehaving (not simply throwing a tantrum) so much that they are causing a serious disturbance to others, and the parents just sit there watching as if they are doing no wrong. Such as a toddler throwing food at other customers in a restaurant, or 3-year-old repeatedly throwing hardcover books down on the floor in church in the middle of Sunday Mass (both of which I've seen, and in both cases the parents just sat there amused, thinking their kid was the cutest thing ever..WTF). Or when I hear a one-month-old baby in a theater (movie: PG-13) crying its head offf, and the mom just sits there because she doesn't want to leave and miss part of the movie. WHen I see things like that I just think the mom must be extremely selfish for a) dragging her kid to an inappropriate place (a loud, germ-infested place like a movie theater is not ideal for a newborn, IMO) and b) not bothering to care whether her child's crying bothered anyone. So it really depends i think on the situation. There are times I think when other people have the right to get upset at the parents for not controlling their child's behavior, or for bringing their child to an inappropriate place (e.g. bringing a baby to a violent action movie, etc)

[egoldber]

The OP specifically said


When you see a child in a "tantrum" or "meltdown" in public,

The other examples are very different IMO.

[Ceepa]

Depends on the tantrum. If it's a meltdown of the hungry/tired/sick variety than I'm full of sympathy. If the kid seems like a little monster of the spoiled brat variety, then I groan to myself.

[Melaine]

I definitely don't judge the kids. I typically don't judge the parents unless they are ignoring the problem and allowing their child to ruin the restaurant/store/park for other people. I'm talking about hearing a screaming child for 20 minutes and they are still screaming.
My children are very strong willed and they do have outbursts/fits. But I have left my shopping cart half full and exited the store when I had to. I may have to endure the extended screaming tantrum but innocent bystanders shouldn't have to.