How to handle a mother in your playgroup...

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

that you and no one else care for. In a moms group, we have playgroups based on ages. There are less than 10 of us they are core playgroup members. We all get along. Some are liberal (like me), some conservative, religious, agnostic, we are a diverse group. We are all friends.
A new mom, just doesn't fit in. She has spanked her kids at several club events, has yelled at her kids (like in a MEAN way), her DD scared my DD at the park today. My DD was crying, a kid has never made her cry before. The kids wrestle and are aggressive with our kids. Her kids are very close in age. They do not talk, and our kids do not like them, as they are so aggressive. The mom was sarcastic to me today when she left her coffee out at the play ground, and my DD drank some before I could stop her. She said "big deal, she gets a sugar rush" She knows we eat super healthy and is snarky about it.

I feel like a teenager excluding her, but our kids should feel safe with our playgroup, KWIM? The other mom's feel the same way, and don't appreciate her yelling at and spanking her kids in front of our kids. Our kids are scared of her, and avoid her. She also swore under her breath today, but our kids were around.

Any BTDT?

[Ceepa]

So you guys don't like this woman or her kids. It sounds like the list of points that you reject aren't ones that are going to change (spanking, yelling at her kids, sarcastic sense of humor, wrestling kids that make others cry). So have someone tell her that you don't think the group is a good fit for her family. The only other options I can think of are actively excluding her family or passively-aggressively sending her a collective cold shoulder, neither of which seems fair to me personally.

Tough situation.

[alirebco]

We had a similar issue with our mom's group. We had to post a policy in our guidelines about behavior basically saying that if a child is putting other children at risk then they will be asked to leave. Looks like c would be an appropriate addition for your group :)

Here's what we wrote (keep in mind, we're an AP group):

The following are some common sense guidelines to be followed when attending any play group in a member's home, or event in a public venue. If these guidelines are not followed by every member, at all times, that member will be asked to leave the playgroup/event. Again, this is not to sound harsh, but to ensure that everyone has a wonderful time at our events and feels safe that she may host a play group in her house and not fear it's destruction.

a. Please watch your child while attending play group in member's homes and at public events. If you need to leave for a moment, please ask another member to mind your child until you return.
b. Please do not bring your child to a play group or event if he/she is sick or has a sick sibling at home. (Please see "Keeping Our Group Healthy" in the Guidelines section of our Big Tent Forum and in the "Files" section.)
c. If your child becomes destructive or hurts other children, you will be asked to leave.
d. When attending a play group or public event, please do your part to leave the venue as it was found. Please help to put toys away and pick up messes that are made.
e. When attending a public event or play group, please be aware that the majority of our members choose to discipline our children in a gentle fashion. If you feel the need to discipline another child, or see a child doing
something that may be harmful or inappropriate, please defer to that child's mother.

[kijip]

One of the groups I was a part of had a gentle discipline policy. Ie: no hitting or spanking at a play group is tolerated even of your own child. While that policy has it's downsides (I have never written the policies) in terms of potentially isolating people or segregating by parenting styles, it does have the benefit of ensuring that everyone is close to the same page and these issues come up less. If a person does spank, I imagine they would not want to join a group that spelled it out like that. Again, I am not sure the policy is without downsides but I do see some upsides. It allows for self selection a little better. Then again, I live in a city where there are 1,000 playgroups if there is one so I don't worry as much if the other mom won't be able to get support and interaction as much. Of course, factor #1 is our kids and I can see that exposing them to even seeing physical punishment could be kinda hard. I agree with Ceepa that whatever you do, you should spell it out for her rather than being passive aggressive about it. That conversation will allow her to find something more in line with her values maybe. In ideal-land it might be a catalyst for her evaluating how her parenting comes off to others.

Kathleen

[infomama]

No BTDT but if I put myself in your shoes I would have to say that someone needs to approach her and ask her to leave. Sounds like she is making the playgroup a negative/worrisome experience for all and that is *not* why people join playgroups, KWIM?
I would get with the other moms and find your spokesperson. She needs to go.

[Globetrotter]

I will admit that we took the passive-aggressive approach with a couple of moms (in two different PGs). In one case, the kid used to curse out the mom and even cursed out OTHER moms. He was also quite aggressive.. We learned recently that the father was abusive (we suspected this) so clearly the kid was imitating him :( They are divorced now, and I've always felt a little bad about the situation because she didn't have too many friends, but we felt the kid was not a good influence. In any case she hardly attended.

In the second case, the mom was just weird and hardly attended! One of the moms had met her once and recommended her to the group when the kids were older, but once we got to know her we realized she wasn't a great fit, and she was just odd and quite abrasive, plus she used to gossip freely about a lot of other people (giving names and other details, which didn't feel right at all), which made us wonder if she was sharing information about us! After a point we got really close, so this woman felt like an intruder. We really should have done something in the beginning, but it was a lesson for us as we were more careful in the future and made sure people knew they were there on a trial basis.

We just stopped using our yahoogroup so they assumed we were no longer meeting :innocent: I know this wasn't the mature approach, but none of us had the guts to confront them, plus the kids were getting into first or second grade and most PGs had fizzled out a long time ago so it seemed like it would have been a natural end to the PG.

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

The hard part is this is a "Moms Club" that has bylaws and such, with a Pres. Board, etc. Not sure how it works..,

[KrisM]

The hard part is this is a "Moms Club" that has bylaws and such, with a Pres. Board, etc. Not sure how it works..,

In our MOMS Club, our code of conduct includes these two items:


-No member shall use obscene, abusive, or threatening verbal language directed toward any other member of the club or their child/children or with outsiders while at MOMS Club event or conducting MOMS Club business.
-No member shall use physical or obscene gestures toward any other member of the club or their child/children or with outsiders while at MOMS Club event or conducting MOMS Club business.


Other stuff, too, of course, but this is what pertains to your situation. The policy for violating is:

1st Offense – Verbal Warning given with additional witness present. Documented event provided to Executive Board.
2nd Offense – Written warning given by Executive Board.
3rd Offense – Situation(s) will be reviewed by Executive Board with possible termination of membership and forfeited dues resulting. If Executive Board votes to remove member, but member doesn’t agree, a club vote will be issued on removal of the member. International shall be notified upon removal of member.


I'd check your code of conduct and see if she's in violation. Maybe knowing that it is unacceptable behavior will help her change it.

[sste]

Belle, I have no been there done that advice but just wanted to say I can completely understand why you are upset. I don't want to start a big debate about spanking and I *DO* know some great parents that use spanking judiciously and in private. But, I would freak if my child was exposed to spanking of others during his playgroup. That is just not part of the values I personally want to teach DS. We have invested alot of time in teaching DS that hitting others is never OK and he is not to do it. How could I let him see that? And what would he think of me and the world if I just sat there while another child was being hit?

I would be beside myself.

[Laurel]

I have a somewhat different response.

I know how one mom can disrupt a peaceful playgroup. I once came back from vacation to find that my playgroup now included someone who I thought was nasty, annoying and not the best parent. Five years later, we are actually friends. Getting to know her and appreciate her is one of the more challenging things I have done, but I'm glad I didn't just write her off completely or campaign to get her kicked out (we are self-formed so that would be our decision).

I think this other mom sounds stressed out and in need of some parenting support. If that is how she is reacting to her kids in public, imagine how things might be at home. I'm not saying that your group has to be the one to give it to her, but she sounds like she needs to be connecting with other moms. How do you guys react when she yells or spanks? This might be a situation where a little peer pressure might be helpful.

Just my two cents. Again, I'm not telling you to keep her around, just offering another take on the situation.

[JBaxter]

In our MOMS Club, our code of conduct includes these two items:


-No member shall use obscene, abusive, or threatening verbal language directed toward any other member of the club or their child/children or with outsiders while at MOMS Club event or conducting MOMS Club business.
-No member shall use physical or obscene gestures toward any other member of the club or their child/children or with outsiders while at MOMS Club event or conducting MOMS Club business.


Other stuff, too, of course, but this is what pertains to your situation. The policy for violating is:

1st Offense – Verbal Warning given with additional witness present. Documented event provided to Executive Board.
2nd Offense – Written warning given by Executive Board.
3rd Offense – Situation(s) will be reviewed by Executive Board with possible termination of membership and forfeited dues resulting. If Executive Board votes to remove member, but member doesn’t agree, a club vote will be issued on removal of the member. International shall be notified upon removal of member.


I'd check your code of conduct and see if she's in violation. Maybe knowing that it is unacceptable behavior will help her change it.

Ours is similar only we do a 30 day suspension before removal

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

Our Pres. is sending an e-mail out to everyone reminding them to mind their kids, etc.