Auto accident...am I being a b*tch?

[bluestar2]

deleted....

[elektra]

I would be pissed too. I would end up getting in a fight w/ DH because I would be so pissed and blame him for everything, especially if he had exhibited careless driving mistakes prior.
That is probably not the best way to handle it but it's the way I would! I am not one to be asking about marriage advice though. Just wanted to let you know that I would have reacted the exact same way, except without the "remaining mostly calm" part possibly.

[ThreeofUs]

Sure, I'd be p!ssed. Pretty royally. And I'd probably want to be pretty in my DH's face about it.

But then I'd ask myself if that was really the way that would get my DH to change his behavior.

FWIW, and only for me, the answer would be "no" - so I'd blow off steam to a friend (or here, just like you!) and then try to figure out how I could help him change his behavior.

My DH would *know* it was his fault, but would be defensive around me b/c he would also know he was losing major marriage currency because he'd messed up so royally. Usually, that means I'd have to pretend to a lot more sympathy than I felt, lol!, just so he could be stand-up (at least with me) about taking responsibility and discussing what he could do differently.

Also, he would be extremely grateful to me for not making him feel worse. This is always to the good!

But I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[niccig]

I would have hit the roof. The kids were in the car! Yes, they weren't hurt, but it sounds like it was an avoidable accident. But I'm not a take things calmly kind of person.

I don't know how you can make your H change his driving.

[edurnemk]

You have every right to be angry. This is a serious matter, he's putting your children in danger (and other people and their children as well). Thank God, no one was hurt, but what if they had been? By being supportive, you'd be an enabler for his behavior.

Maybe you can use this event to give him a sort of "ultimatum"? Insist that he go to Traffic Safety school or therapy or whatever you think he needs to learn to be responsible for his actions. If he won't, I might even refuse to let him drive with the kids in the car, seriously.

[Reyadawnbringer]

You have every right to be angry. This is a serious matter, he's putting your children in danger (and other people and their children as well). Thank God, no one was hurt, but what if they had been? By being supportive, you'd be an enabler for his behavior.

Maybe you can use this event to give him a sort of "ultimatum"? Insist that he go to Traffic Safety school or therapy or whatever you think he needs to learn to be responsible for his actions. If he won't, I might even refuse to let him drive with the kids in the car, seriously.

:yeahthat: Exactly that.

[sste]

I like the driving safety school idea.

I have the same issue with my DH but he will.not.admit. that there is any problem. It is all in my head according to him.

This is one of the top three reasons we live a couple of miles from DH's work and I have always insisted he have new cars with the top safety features. Also, I can count on my fingers the number of times DH has driven DS anywhere without me in the car (to scream warnings!). Obviously, these things aren't possible for most people based on where they live, how much they can walk to things versus drive. Just to let you know, others have been there with this issue.

[babybunny]

He knows he did wrong. Let it go. My DH's driving makes me crazy too. Biggest pet peeve is that he doesn't always signal when he changes lanes and he tailgates cars in the fast lane. I say my prayers when he drives.

For years I would turn and look when he was backing up out of a parking space, etc. to see if a car or person was behind him. If I said "Watch Out!", etc. he would get really angry that I hadn't trusted him to look himself. I actually did trust him to look, but I really don't understand why he gets upset if I look too. How can it hurt to have another pair of eyes looking out for you?

We have different parking philosphies too. He needs to park as close as possible. I will go out of my way to park far from the hustle and bustle just so I avoid the aggravation of a busier area. He wastes more time and gas looking for spaces to open up near the entrance....

So one night about a year ago we went to the movies. He wanted to park close (?) to the entrance and he struggled to park in an odd spot in the first level of a parking garage --- visualize posts, no one really parked in the correctly between the lines, etc.). I was going to say something like -- why don't you just park further away in a conventional spot in a conventional lot, but I bit my tongue, not wanting to start an argument. So we go in, see the movie and return to the car. He backs out. I refrain from turning and looking, figuring I'll get yelled at and I really think this was a stupid place to park so I better keep my mouth shut because I am thinking that if he yells at me for looking I will have to say something and that will ruin the night and yes, he backs into a pole. $1800 damage. Good thing we have insurance. It saves our marriage.

He seemed surprised that I had no reaction. He said something like - Go ahead, say I told you so..... But I kept my mouth shut. I was happy it wasn't a person, or another car with people in it. Sometimes you have to ket it go.

I realize that this involves your kids. Usually kids vocalize their thoughts about an accident for days. It is very traumatizing for them. Maybe if they keep talking about it, that will get to him.

[niccig]

Oh, and to answer your question. No, you are not being a bitch. I would have blown a gasket at DH. I know everyone has made a mistake while driving, but that's not what you describe. You say he's driving recklessly. That is what would have me VERY angry.

[Seitvonzu]

i didn't read the responses, but i could have written nearly this exact post about a month and a half ago. dh was taking lu to the library and was hit, but was totally at fault. he was in my car (since he was with the baby) and i have been without my car since then. it was the day after my birthday. i'm *CROSSEDFINGERS* getting my car back today, missing an interior piece. it's been one headache after the next. even a rental car didn't make it better. but , back to your anger. YES> you have the right to be angry. when DH called me i of course was glad he was okay, but when i rushed over to the scene, i was ANGRY with him... i was kissing lucy all over the place (she hardly realized it happen, dh's side was hit), and i could barely speak to him. we'd JUST had a discussion in nearly the EXACT location of the accideent about how he needs to pay better attention while driving. he doesn't drive or act too reckless, but i figure not paying attention is about the same and just as reckless!!!!

there was a woman who had run over to "help" who lived right where the accident occured-- she was a shock trauma worker and she was talking to my husband and making sure he was doing okay until i got there. she shot daggers at me when i arrived, i'm sure she could tell i was mad...i could barely bring myself to ask dh how he was, i was SO mad and worried about the baby. she kept talking to dh and told me i really needed to take him to the hospital and tell them there was "deep intrusion" into the vehicle. i knew dh needed to go to the hospital and be checked, but it just wasn't my priority at the moment. her insistance was really weird. as we drove off in our other car she was on her porch smoking a cigarette. it creeped me out. (btw, my husband was fine, he didn't even have a scan, just a physical check and was sent along his way)

anyhow.... you have the right to be mad, but i'm just not sure it helps anything. dealing with the car issues here has been really hard. anytime anything new comes up with the body shop or most recently the rental car (which the body shop grudgingly, eventually provided), i get LIVID with dh. i know those things aren't directly his fault, but i figure it allgoes back to the accident when you think of it. i told him at the very beginning that he could expect that i'd probably get mad, very mad, several times while waiting for the car to be fixed. i'm a SAHM and we rely on the car to get out and about to friends, run errands, whatever. even though i can do errands and such after he gets home from work, i HATE doing them at that time- i'm spoiled and that's when EVERYONE is doing those things. i feel like our people in our area are grumpy in general, and after work people are even grumpier. i don't like driving our "second" car at night because the defrosting has never worked right and the windows get foggy (and unsafe in my opinion)...it was just a crappy situation in general. i'm writing a novel, but i just want you to know that you are not alone and i really empathize with you. hopefully you won't be without your car and this will WAKE up your hubby.

you guys are in my thoughts! car accidents are so scary :) oh, and i'm really glad everyone was okay. hug everyone extra tight tonight!

[BillK]

Depending on who you are insured with, how much is ultimately paid out on your behalf and how long you've been with your present carrier - you may be looking at as much as a 30% surcharge - or possibly being dropped altogether. Maybe that will make him open his eyes and make changes. Glad to hear no one was hurt - that's what's most important.

[AshleyAnn]

My husband and I have this fight ALL THE TIME. If/When he crashes I will be so pissed.

[maestramommy]

I think you are right to be angry. My dad drives like this. He has been in a number of accidents because of his *&^%$ cell phone, and it drives all of us NUTS. He has also hit the neighbor's car while backing out of the driveway too fast without looking. Basically his problem boils down to being in a hurry, and not taking time to look. And the *&^%$ cell phone. But he's in his late 70s, and I don't think he's gonna change. Our way of dealing with it is not letting him drive if we can help it.

[HannaAddict]

My children would not ride in the car with him at all. Inconvenient or not. Seriously. I'm very glad they were not hurt. You are not being a B%*$ at all. Can you make him take a defensive driving class?

[MontrealMum]

I don't think you're being a b#$ch at all. I have a similar problem with my husband although he hasn't been in an accident or been ticketed for speeding recently. He drives like a complete maniac; granted, we're in Montreal, so some assertiveness is necessary, but not this much - I have been afraid to ride in the car with him. Even my dad has complained, and he's no great driver himself. I've been on DH for YEARS. One time another driver got out of his car and threatened DH due to his aggressiveness - on the passenger side, which my dad was sitting on - and luckily the light changed and they drove off.

I have no idea what the correct approach is, but I will say this and hope it's encouraging to you...I watched some crash test videos online the other day and was discussing them with DH. The speeds were 35 mph, which is slightly more than the posted limit for the street we live on (I think it translates to about 30mph). It's a major artery, and really our only choice to get into the city or to the daycare. I said, "well, I drive that speed every day on X street" [I will admit, I have a bit of a lead foot] and he looked at me and said, "I always drive the speed limit when I have DS in the car". I was shocked, but also very pleased! I'd try to play to the financial aspect that Bill mentioned, and the child safefy aspect. I will say that DH is in counseling to manage his anger issues. This may have helped as well.

[vejemom]

Honestly, I don't allow DH to drive the kids around. It isn't something that we've actually discussed, and I doubt he really realizes that I do it. He's a horribly aggressive driver, with a side of easily distracted by ringing cellphones, etc. The final straw for me was when he got a speeding ticket coming back from a birthday dinner with DD#1 in the car. It was soon after DD#2 was born, so they were alone in the car. It was late, she was upset about having had to say good night to her older siblings, and he had rushed out the door without the diaper bag (over my objections.) She was screaming her head off, so he was speeding to get home faster. And knowing the road on which he was ticketed, he had to have been going outrageously fast to attract the officer's attention. I'm not tremendously religious, but I got the feeling that God had put the officer there to stop them from driving into a horrendous accident.

My instinct was reconfirmed recently when he accelerated so hard *in our driveway* that my coffee spilled all over me. And he got angry with me about it, until he realized that I was damn close to decking him. :32:

So, he doesn't drive the kids unless I'm in the car with him. I realize it is terribly inconvenient, but it just might be the safest thing you can do.