Could use some advice re. girls and body image

[luvmypeanut]

My dd is a chunky monkey and is beautiful. We've always taught her to be healthy and have never ever stressed superficial beauty. In school they are currently studying health and food and suddenly she's asking me how to get a smaller stomach. That raised some flags so I talked to her a little more and she said that two girls said she looked fat. I asked her what she replied to them and she said she didn't know what to say. I know kids can be mean but have I done the wrong thing by sheltering her too much? How do you explain to a 6 yr old who eats well and is active that she's considered obese on the BMI scale? Her frame is heavy and her flesh is solid as she takes after her dad. But anyway, I'm totally stressing now about how to approach this subject. I feel like I'm in a mine field and I don't want to botch it. I think she had a positive self image and now she's beginnning to question that. Is the elementary school counselor the person to discuss this with or her teacher (he's a male so I wonder if the counselor would be better)? I have serious anxiety over this. What do I do?

[egoldber]

This is really hard. :( They talk about this stuff in Sarah's school too. I think what you can do is emphasizing eating well (most of the time) and getting moderate exercise.

If you don't do that as a family, then maybe look for opportunities to include it. I know that Sarah was very motivated to start exercising more (we don't do team sports, our preference) after they had this discussion. She has started asking me hard questions about what we eat and why and it's been hard to confront my own less than optimal choices. :o

[hardysmom]

My Blythe is 5.5 years old.

She is in the 70th percentile for height and weighs 38 lbs.

Recently, her lunches have been coming home uneaten. I asked why she wasn't finishing her food and she was all dodgey, saying they didn't get enough time. Her twin then spoke up and said Blythe didn't eat lunch because she wants to "stay skinny." I could tell by her body language that Blythe knew this wasn't the "right answer" but was true. Great.

There is also a boy in the class who is obese. Not just thick, but very big. The other day the kids were puffing out their cheeks and dancing around pretending to be like A. My kids have made several comments to me about his weight. I would assume kids have probably said things to him a school. It breaks my heart.

We talk about it, but it is a tough subject. Indeed, A is very, very big so on a certain level, it is a honest observation. He isn't excluded and the intent of their comments isn't mean, but I can only imagine how he feels and the message he is getting.

I am shocked by how weight/size/body conscious kids are in kindergarten. I had an eating disorder when I was younger, so I have tried so hard to promote good body image at home.

I talked to the teachers. I think they knew that there were issues with A, but were shocked to hear that Blythe was internalizing that it was better to be way-too-skinny.

At this age, I think it is better to talk about it at home than to get a school psychologist involved. I might ask the therapist how to approach the discussion, but I would think that having her go to talk to him might further elevate the problem and validate that something really is wrong....

I wish I knew the answer to this as well.

Stephanie

[egoldber]

Stephanie I'm so sorry. :(

A girl in Sarah's after school running group was recently pulled by her mom because her mom discovered she was not eating and was running extra hard to be skinny. This girl is 9. :( And tall and rail thin to start with. It's an awful thing.

[pinkmomagain]

Maybe get your pediatrician involved. I have the opposite problem with my 2 older girls. But my middle dd is overly concerned about being too skinny. It helped some this year when the ped sat down with her at her annual check up and talked with her.

I think it is great you are treading carefully. Maybe you can even consult with a child psychologist about how to best handle it or I'm sure there must be some good books that address this too (sorry that I'm not familiar with any off-hand).

[dcmom2b3]

I don't have any BTDT experience, but expect that we'll confront the same issue eventually, based on DDs build. She's solid and muscular, I expect that (just like me) there will be a time when she's criticized for being too big, or fat.

I plan to emphasize that bodies come in different shapes and sizes, just like skin, hair, eyes come in different colors, etc. and that as long as we eat well and are active, she will be healthy and have the body that she should at that stage of her development.

I already point out images of strong, athletic women to her, and am thinking about taking her to a couple of WNBA games this season. Fingers crossed.

[niccig]

Oh, my heart goes out to her.
I would talk about people are different shapes and sizes, and the importance is on being active and eating healthy. Maybe some of the counselors/therapists here will have some advice on books, how to address the topic etc.

We have the opposite problem. DS is nearly 5, 36lbs and 41" - he's smaller than most of the other kids. He hasn't noticed or said anything yet.

[ha98ed14]

I have BTDT, so I am going to dole out my advice. Hope it's helpful; if not feel free to ignore.

I have been heavy all of my life. Less so when I was young, but still heavier than the other little girls in my class. The best thing you can do is love her, love her, love her! Kids can survive a lot if they have parents who really love them unconditionally. I will tell you that, regarding this issue, it will get worse before it gets better, assuming she stays heavier than her peers. Girls are brutal, especially in middle school; but thank God life moves beyond middle school. It does get better. High school evens the playing field a lot socially.

Another thing you can do (that I wish my mother had) is help her to find something outside of school that she does consistently through out her childhood; a sport, a musical instrument, something that will give her an identity outside of school. She is going to need another source of pride and accomplishment outside of school. If it is an athletic, I think that would be helpful. I wish my mom would have gotten me into soccer or dance and helped my stick with it; something where physical fitness is both necessary for and a by product of the activity. (As an aside, you might look into tumbling or gymnastics for her and start her now, while she is still young. Often, girls with heavy, muscular builds are good gymnasts and they look good doing it by the time they are ten. Dressing up in a tutu, maybe not so much. ;) Ask me how I know.)

Finally, if you do think that she is considered obese on the BMI scale, I would take her to the doctor, or at the very least talk about it at your next visit. There is a lot of variation in builds, and often kids will put on weight before they are going to grow taller, but if she is consistently obese, I would have a talk with your ped.

I am sure you know all about a healthy diet, so I won't go into that, but one thing I will tell you to do is to watch for her sneaking food. I'm not saying she would do it to be dishonest. My parents got divorced and there was a ton of stress in my house. I coped by sneaking food, mostly sweets. My mom never knew, or just ignored it. If there is stress in your house, it will affect your DD. One way she may cope is by sneaking food. I was doing it 6, 7 and 8.

You still have a lot of time to help her, but you need to take active steps if you don't want her to go through school as "the fat girl." HTH. Sending you P&PTs

ETA: I would check out this book called __Queen Bees and Wannabees.__ It came up in an adolescent psych class I was taking and I checked it out at the library. It's aimed at parents of teens, but I think it would be really helpful for you. The evolution of "Girl World" starts in the early grades. Good resource I think. Read the first couple reviews and you'll get a feel for it. http://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-Boyfriends-Adolescence/dp/1400047927

[wellyes]

I have BTDT, so I am going to dole out my advice. Hope it's helpful; if not feel free to ignore.

I have been heavy all of my life. Less so when I was young, but still heavier than the other little girls in my class. The best thing you can do is love her, love her, love her! Kids can survive a lot if they have parents who really love them unconditionally. I will tell you that, regarding this issue, it will get worse before it gets better, assuming she stays heavier than her peers. Girls are brutal, especially in middle school; but thank God life moves beyond middle school. It does get better. High school evens the playing field a lot socially.

Another thing you can do (that I wish my mother had) is help her to find something outside of school that she does consistently through out her childhood; a sport, a musical instrument, something that will give her an identity outside of school. She is going to need another source of pride and accomplishment outside of school. If it is an athletic, I think that would be helpful. I wish my mom would have gotten me into soccer or dance and helped my stick with it; something where physical fitness is both necessary for and a by product of the activity. (As an aside, you might look into tumbling or gymnastics for her and start her now, while she is still young. Often, girls with heavy, muscular builds are good gymnasts and they look good doing it by the time they are ten. Dressing up in a tutu, maybe not so much. ;) Ask me how I know.)

Finally, if you do think that she is considered obese on the BMI scale, I would take her to the doctor, or at the very least talk about it at your next visit. There is a lot of variation in builds, and often kids will put on weight before they are going to grow taller, but if she is consistently obese, I would have a talk with your ped.

I am sure you know all about a healthy diet, so I won't go into that, but one thing I will tell you to do is to watch for her sneaking food. I'm not saying she would do it to be dishonest. My parents got divorced and there was a ton of stress in my house. I coped by sneaking food, mostly sweets. My mom never knew, or just ignored it. If there is stress in your house, it will affect your DD. One way she may cope is by sneaking food. I was doing it 6, 7 and 8.

You still have a lot of time to help her, but you need to take active steps if you don't want her to go through school as "the fat girl." HTH. Sending you P&PTs

What a great, thoughtful post. And tee-hee about the tutus! I was heavy in middle school and my parents encouraged me to try baton twirlling - great exercise, and it's fun...... but MAN looking back on it, those skintight leotards that they had us wear to parades were not the best choice for me.

[elektra]

I don't have any BTDT experience, but expect that we'll confront the same issue eventually, based on DDs build. She's solid and muscular, I expect that (just like me) there will be a time when she's criticized for being too big, or fat.

I plan to emphasize that bodies come in different shapes and sizes, just like skin, hair, eyes come in different colors, etc. and that as long as we eat well and are active, she will be healthy and have the body that she should at that stage of her development.


:yeahthat: to most all of the above. DD is on the small side overall but seems to be taking after DH in terms of her overall build. He is more short and stocky. And after reading part of the Ellen Satyr book, the point about different body types really hit home for me. I just had not really thought about the fact that some kids are just going to be bigger than others and as long as they are eating healthily, they are just going to be the size that they are, and there is no point in "dieting" at a young age.
Now the challenge for me is to always have those healthy foods available at all times....

And then of course figuring out how to make sure DD has a good body image. That is a tough one to convey to a child (or an adult!) and I wish I had some advice.

ETA: I plan on getting my daughter into sports. I also want her to try dance, and other things, but sports can do so much for young girls, IMO. For me, organized sports teams kept me active, helped me make some of the best friends of my life, kept me focused on school and long term goals, instilled a work ethic and team player mentality that has helped me in my job today. AND it helped me keep a positive body image. The focus was always about getting strong, having a good fitness level, but it was never about how you actually looked in the uniform. Certain sports (figure skating, gymastics) do have the appearance factor in more, but in most team sports or sports without a judging factor, this is not an issue. And if you can be proud and confident in your physical performance in a sport, it's a least a step in the right direction in terms of obtaining a healthy body image.

[BabyMine]

This is why I was terrified to have girls. I am still scared with my boys becasue of my background. I started to gain weight when I started Kindergarten. My Mom and the Ped put me on countless diets. I was a very active child but I was a very emotional eater. I was in lots of sports but becasue of my weight I was teased. I learned to cope by being funny and sarcastic.

I developed an eating disorder at 16. I still have not fully recovered even 17 years later. I found a website www.whyeat.com (http://www.whyeat.com) and noticed that children as young as 8 had started with an eating disorder. I cried becasue I know how it can devistate someones life. I talked to several of the children that started their EDs young and most just wanted to be skinny becasue thats how they felt they needed to be in order to fit in. I did it becasue I wanted to be skinny and I wanted control from my overly protective mother.

The best advice I could give it to build her self esteem and learn to talk about her emotions. I wish I could give you a way to do that but I am still struggling with mine even today.

[niccig]

I think having something outside of school is an excellent idea. I read that teenage girls that have a sport, whether team or individual, have a better self esteem. Their focus is more on being fit and strong and not being pretty.

My sister has a very solid build. She's in her late 30's and used to compete in Masters swimming. She hurt her knee and the PT told her to swim again. She went to the pool at the local gym and there were 2 men that she realised were showing off and trying to race her while doing laps. She was actually going slow, so kicked into high gear and blew them out of the water. Her DH was with her and he was :hysterical: at these 2 macho guys trying to keep up with her. So, being strong and athletic helps with self esteem when you're older too.

I didn't have a sport growing up. And to this day my family will say that I'm not athletic and that's no longer true. And it hurts when they act all surprised when I've done something like long treks, scuba diving etc. I'm in better shape than I was at highschool. I feel best when I've just exercised and I feel strong and healthy.

I would focus on the whole family eating well and exercising to be fit and strong and healthy.

[wendmatt]

It's amazing how early this starts. My DD is skinny as can be and often says she has a big bottom. I call her bony buns to make up for it. That show, "You are what you eat" came on the other day and she said she was worried about getting fat and didn't want to eat any more sweets. I told her everything is good in moderation and we try to be healthy as a family. It doesn't help when DH comes home with cookies, cake and pie all at the same time (but that's a story for the bitching post!). I told her how important it is to stay healthy and make healthy choices, and do exercise, but it worried me that she would even be thinking about this stuff. I try hard not to talk about feeling fat in clothes etc. I feel for you and especially the PPs daughter that is not thin, it's sad that they feel pressure at such a young age. I'm glad some one else suggested something outside school too, I'm going to look into piano lessons.

[luvmypeanut]

Thanks so much for all of your thoughtful and honest postings. DD swims like a fish but has no interest in organized sports either. But we just moved from Hawaii to Japan and have not found a place for her to swim yet. She currently takes hula and girl scouts, both of which he loves, and has expressed an interest in piano or violin so I will look into that. DH is 6'6" and 220lbs but in his high school pictures I can see "baby fat" and it wasn't until he was a little older that he started to become leaner. His sisters are both 6' tall so DD has always been and will most likely always be tall for her age. I suppose it doesn't help that we live in a country where the people are genetically small. DH and I are both fit and eat well and I think we have a healthy family life. I'm sad that my DD has these thoughts now because I like to think that her world is all fluffy bunnies and butterflies and fairies. A bit naive on my part but I'm trying to hold on to her childhood innocence for just a little while longer. She is the sweetest girl and has a really kind heart. I'm going to check into the books that were recommended. Isn't it so hard having a girl.