How close do you feel physically with your friends' partners/ spouses?

[SnuggleBuggles]

Last night we were at a party with a group of people we have been getting to know the past year. This is the second party we have been to with them and the second time we have noticed this...they all seem very comfortable with one another physically. The couples all danced with people that were not their spouse, slow dances, silly dances, whatever, all of them. Lots of just general hugging and touching. Dh and I remarked that they seem super close with each other and wonder if they might be swingers. :D If you saw them in action you might think the same thing.

But, then again, I thought maybe I would ask here what level of comfort other people have with their friends' partners/ spouses.

Me? I'm on board with a hug and a kiss on the cheek hello from them. I don't really initiate that sort of thing though. I don't do a lot of casual touching, like touch someone on the arm when I am talking to them.

Some of the people in the group are as new as dh and I are but they seemed to have jumped right in. Starting to feel like we aren't outgoing enough in that department.

How do things work in your social circle?

Beth

[Laurel]

Hug/kiss on the cheek when we greet each other and part. At weddings, etc., I'll dance (fast only) with other people's husbands. A few friends have husbands who are very affectionate- will touch your arm when talking, put an arm around you, give spontaneous hugs, etc. I've never been uncomfortable as it is more like pals/big brother type touching and not sexual/flirtatious.

[sarahsthreads]

Eep. That would make me uncomfortable as well, although I'm not generally a touchy-feely kind of person even with my close friends. Family is entirely different, nobody comes or goes at any of our family gatherings without hugs and kisses all around. Makes for long greetings and departures. ;)

If a friend or friend's spouse gave me a casual hug hello or goodbye at their house, that wouldn't bother me, but the slow dancing and random hugging would be (well) beyond my own comfort level.

Maybe I'm just not that outgoing either.

Sarah :)

[youngmommy]

Sorry I can't really help you here. We're Orthodox Jewish, and we don't touch anyone of the opposite sex at all. I'm interested to read the other responses on this thread though. Seems like you stumbled onto a group that's a bit more touchy-feely than average.

[kozachka]

If a friend or friend's spouse gave me a casual hug hello or goodbye at their house, that wouldn't bother me, but the slow dancing and random hugging would be (well) beyond my own comfort level.

I am very outgoing and I would have the same reaction as OP if my GF's husband/boyfriend was touchy-feely. I am from Europe so I am used to lots of kisses on the cheek as the way to say hello or buy but other than that I would not be comfortable with lots of physical contact.

[KpbS]

If you saw them in action you might think the same thing.


Honestly, I think I would probably think the same thing. I can't think of any friends whose husbands would give more than a partial hug (you know the kind, you are leaning away from them with only your arms and shoulders touching) and vice versa--even our closest friends. Dancing w/ other ppls spouses not at a wedding in a group of ppl dancing, unheard of.

[mommyp]

That would be uncomfortable for me too, I'm not much of a touchy person with friends either. We often do hugs, or a quick cheek kiss, but anything beyond that I haven't seen among any of our groups.

[Naranjadia]

Hmmm. I'd have to say friends around here do a lot of casual reaching out and touching one anothers' arms, or sidling up and putting their arms around the back of a friend of either sex. Some always hug on arrival and departure, others don't.

There's not a lot of dancing at the parties and events I go to - and not any nuzzling hugging going on or that type of thing. Just friendly, casual hugs.

[happymom]

Sorry I can't really help you here. We're Orthodox Jewish, and we don't touch anyone of the opposite sex at all. I'm interested to read the other responses on this thread though. Seems like you stumbled onto a group that's a bit more touchy-feely than average.

:yeahthat:

[m448]

Ummm, no. I'm touchy feely with my husband, and with my kids but someone else outside of that circle and for me it feels rather forced and out of my comfort zone.

[DeeEast]

Ummm, no. I'm touchy feely with my husband, and with my kids but someone else outside of that circle and for me it feels rather forced and out of my comfort zone.

Yep. I do hug my parents and siblings, nieces and nephews, but at a casual party with friends? What you described would have made me uncomfortable too.

[LexyLou]

Ya, that would freak me out a bit.

My husband and I are both touchy feely people and we do hug and kiss our friends on the cheek when we say hello/goodbye.

We'll occasionally touch spouses arms or squeeze shoulders, but no lingering touching.

As far as dancing-no dancing at most parties we are at but I do/will fast dance with friends hubbies but never slow dance.

It sounds a little fishy.

Totally random-but I was watching a 20/20 expose on swingers years back and one of the things they said is that they put little white rocks in their front yard landscaping to signal a swinger home...so now everytime I see white rocks in landscaping I wonder. My mom has it and I like to give her a hard time about it-she's obviously NOT a swinger...or is she? ;)

[Happy 2B mommy]

In our group there's a lot of affectionate touching/hugging/ arms around each other. On a few occasions (like weddings/New Years) I've danced and slow danced with guys other than DH. BUT we've all known eachother forever - some since grade school. We definitely aren't swingers. Of course, the women are all pretty touchy with each other, too.

I never thought about how we might look to others...

[TwinFoxes]

It sounds college-y to me. That's the last time I can imagine feeling close enough to friends' boyfriends to be affectionate. I knew the guys as well as the girls.

My friends now all are married to guys I only know because they're married to my friend. We aren't especially close. It would feel weird to be affectionate with most of them. But I also think as we age people are less trusting of the whole "we're all just friends" thing.

The slow dancing, while not at a wedding, is the part I find the oddest. Like for a whole song, or just goofing around for a minute? I can see that among people who've known each other for a long time. But another odd thing is it seems these aren't longterm friends.

I guess they could be swingers, but I think it's more likely they just have loose boundaries. I'll be waiting for updates! :popc1:

[klwa]

Well, it depends on the person. There are couples I'm friends with where I'm more comfy with the guy than the girl & in that casse might hug/dance with the guy. I've danced with men from church at events, etc. But, I DOUBT that you'd look at us & wonder if there was any more going on than on the surface, KWIM?

[Melaine]

I feel very comfortable with our friends, guys and girls, but there are boundaries to what is physically appropriate and IMO the group you are referring to is crossing the line. It's important to me to never cause any doubt or confusion or to give ANYONE the wrong idea. I guess I want a stranger to be able to walk in the room and know who my husband is by the way I act toward him and the way I don't act towards others. I wouldn't want a woman acting that way with my husband and I wouldn't act that way towards another guy either.
Do I sound like a prude? Probably. But our marriage is rock-solid and I am going to protect it, even from rumors, ykwim?

[egoldber]

I would not be that comfortable with what I am imagining is that level of contact. I'm OK with hugs of greeting/leave taking, kiss on the cheek and the occasional arm touch. But not more than that.

I worked for a man once who was very physical and honestly it made me pretty uncomfortable.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'm not uncomfortable about it...just very curious if there is more to the picture than what we are seeing. Or, if it is like pps have said, they have been friends forever and contact is more of a sibling comfort level w/ no other strings attached.

There were discussions about a NE party so I'll have more of an update after that one. Hmmm...wonder if they'll all start kissing whoever they are closest to at midnight?

Thank you all for replying and sharing your experiences. Sounds like most people are on the same comfort level as me and my dh with other couples.

I'll check for some white rocks at their houses. :)

Beth

[infomama]

I would not be that comfortable with what I am imagining is that level of contact. I'm OK with hugs of greeting/leave taking, kiss on the cheek and the occasional arm touch. But not more than that.
:yeahthat: and we are very close to our inner circle of friends. I'm fine with an arm around the shoulder for a short period of time but lingering hugs/overt contact or whatever you want to call it...not cool.

[Nechums]

Seems weird to me, although as a PP mentioned, I am also Orthodox Jewish so touching another man besides DH is a foreign concept to me. It actually sounds a bit like some of the social gatherings I used to have at work. Hugs, kisses and dancing used to take place at all the social events between co-workers both single and married. I remember always feeling very much out of place. Another reminder of how happy I am to be a SAHM.

[m448]

I will say that I'm also wary of the dynamics you mentioned because my parents contemporaries who had similar setups are the ones who had other issues and eventually divorced. There's a lack of boundaries that makes me uncomfortable and breeds inappropriate situations in moments of weakness.

[billysmommy]

We do have one group of friends (DH and I plus 4 other couples) that if we have a party together there will be more hugging, kissing, dancing, etc especially if we've all had something to drink. 4 of my roommates in college married 4 of DH's roommates so it basically takes us back to our college days when this was the "norm". There is never anything inappropriate though.

[maestramommy]

It really depends on the friend. Some of Dh's friend's are more "European" so they do the hug and peck on the cheek when we see each other. Some of my very good friends are male, and we hug when we see each other. But that's about it. I can't remember the last time I danced with someone else's partner, even at a wedding (which would be the last time I danced:p).

[SnuggleBuggles]

In our group there's a lot of affectionate touching/hugging/ arms around each other. On a few occasions (like weddings/New Years) I've danced and slow danced with guys other than DH. BUT we've all known eachother forever - some since grade school. We definitely aren't swingers. Of course, the women are all pretty touchy with each other, too.

I never thought about how we might look to others...

This is what it was like. Thanks for replying!

[BabyMine]

In our group there's a lot of affectionate touching/hugging/ arms around each other. On a few occasions (like weddings/New Years) I've danced and slow danced with guys other than DH. BUT we've all known eachother forever - some since grade school. We definitely aren't swingers. Of course, the women are all pretty touchy with each other, too.

I never thought about how we might look to others...

This is my experience also. It has been a long time since we have all been out together but we all act more like siblings. I went to a friends wedding a couple weeks ago and we slow danced together. We don't look at is anything but a dance.

[hillview]

Did they have a fishbowl in the hallway with house keys in it :)

[g-mama]

This is very interesting to me right now because there is all kinds of gossip going around my neighborhood about "swingers" and maybe-not-quite-but-almost swingers.

There are two neighborhoods that surround ours and apparently, they have parties that involve hot tubs, heavy drinking and questionable behavior. There are quite a few moms that act a lot differently than the typical suburban mom and they are part of this group. It's all news to me, but it did not surprise me to find out which women are in this "group." They dress very provocatively and I've seen them flirting with other dads at the bus stop, neighborhood get-togethers, etc. To the point where I've thought, "Yikes...get a room."

Things seem to be blowing up because in the past several months, three couples in this group have announced they are divorcing. Supposedly, there was a party and one husband and one wife (not married to each other) were making out at the party. Now, if this is cause for the scene that it supposedly caused, then perhaps they're not swingers, or they broke "the rules." Who knows. The whole thing creeps me out and I cannot even imagine. YUCK.

[MamaMolly]

I'm pretty touchy-feely, and in our circle it is common to say hello and goodbye with the cheek kiss. When we go to parties with dancing DH is one of the few guys who will get out there and dance (not a great dancer, but he tries) so my girl friends *do* dance with him. I'm actually proud to be with him, because so many guys are too self conscious to dance. Usually we dance slower songs together, but some times not.

DH knows that there are a few women who I just get *that* feeling about, and he knows I'd rather he not dance with them. I think he secretly enjoys me being a little jealous/protective. ;)

However the situation you described sounds off to me. I'd say go with your instincts and stick close to your DH.

[egoldber]

They dress very provocatively and I've seen them flirting with other dads at the bus stop

Holy crikey!!!! That's pretty far from the "moms in sweats and ponytails and bunny slippers" at our bus stop. :ROTFLMAO:

[nov04]

We have group of friends who are like this, but we don't include ourselves in their "activities". They know we aren't into "sharing".

[Moneypenny]

The couple of couples we've been friends with for decades are pretty physically affectionate with us, but we've essentially grown up together, gone to dozens of weddings together, helped through family crises, etc. Hugs, kisses on the cheeks and dancing (only at weddings - I can't say I've been to any other event where there was dancing) are the norm. We are not swingers.

With all of our other friends there is much more of a distance, and that is just fine. I think for us the breakdown is along the line of when we met the friends - in childhood or as adults.

[truly scrumptious]

I am very interested to see the responses so far, because DH is Latin American, so it is very common for our friends to kiss on the cheek, hug, etc. I routinely hug my male friends, with nothing implied on either end (and any outsider witnessing the hug wouldn't think it weird either - I think it is all in the attitude of the people who are hugging.) We also all dance with each other (usually Salsa or something like that - which, while it is seen as a sexy dance in the U.S., is a really common form of dancing in Latin America.) So I have danced with DH (of course), FIL, BILs, friends, etc., and everyone knows a dance is a dance and nothing more.

I am also curious as to how everyone here defines "slow dancing" - do you mean putting your arms around his neck, standing very close (or touching your bodies,) etc.? In that case, the only person anyone even does that with is their DH or partner. BUT, if you mean ballroom dancing, like the waltz, or the foxtrot, the tango etc., which can be pretty slow, but totally appropriate depending upon how they are handled by the couple.

I honestly see dancing as a social activity (like hugging, sitting next to each other and chatting etc.) All of these could be perfectly innocent, or could have sexual undertones. The answer, I feel, is in the demeanor of the people who are engaged in the activity. What kind of vibes are they giving out? Do they seem to interact on a buddy/sibling level, or are the pheromones flying?

In all my experiences the question has never arisen because the physical interactions are all appropriate and accepted given the cultural setting.

[TwinFoxes]

I am also curious as to how everyone here defines "slow dancing" - do you mean putting your arms around his neck, standing very close (or touching your bodies,) etc.?

That's what I took OPs meaning as. I didn't get the feeling this was a ballroom dance situation...or a wedding for that matter. I honestly can't imagine doing this with anyone other than DH.