How do you get an EXTREMELY shy child out

[Kungjo]

of her shell?

DD #2 has been going to a Montessori school for a year and a half. She is extremely shy and has separation anxiety. She's 4. It took her a year to get over crying in the morning when I drop her off. She's at the point now that there are no more tears at drop off. She just needs an extra hug or two before walking into her classroom.

She had a presentation to do during Open House for me and wouldn't do it. She said that she was too nervous and didn't want to. Her teacher had talked to her about the presentation and said that she knew it and could do it with her eyes close. She just choked and couldn't do it in front of me the night of the Open House. I reassured her and said that it was okay and we went home that night without her doing her presentation. The next morning, she asked if she had to do the presentation for me that day and I said no because it was only for one night and she was relieved. Sigh!

Fast forward to this morning. We had Parent-Teacher Conferences. DD #2's teacher talked about her progress. Said that she played and interacted well with the other students in class. That DD has lots of friends and is participating willingly in her activities. She does very well with her reading and math activities. Academically, her teacher said that she was confident that DD knew her material and was one of her smartest students. She felt confident that if we wanted to, we could get her tested to see about her going right into 1st grade and skipping Kindergarten altogether. Socially, I don't think she's ready because she is so shy. Her problem is lack of self-confidence and shyness.

I know that she needs time to mature and am in no way interested in testing her out of Kindergarten. I think that it's too much pressure to put on her given her situation. She's bright, I know that, but how do I get her out of her shell? Her teacher's one concern was her shyness and her unwillingness to do presentations in front of me. She's a very sensitive child and needs time to bond before feeling comfortable in a new environment so her transitioning to Kindergarten in the Fall has me worried. In elementary school, parents are only allowed to enter the school to drop off their kids in the morning on the 1st day of school. After that, it is strongly discouraged. My only consolation is that DD #1 will be in the same hall next year and can drop off her little sister. So hopefully, that will go well.

We did talk about her entering Kindergarten in the Fall and she suggested that I ask around to see which Kindergarten teacher would be the best fit for her. Also, her teacher suggested that I get her involved in extracurricular activites. We've tried, but I haven't forced her. She has no interest. We tried ice skating. She went and took one lesson and refused to do it again. It was her sister's teacher giving private lessons so not a total stranger. My older DD goes to art class at a teacher's home. It's a class of about 15 students. I took DD #2 with us each time so it's not like she's not familiar with the teacher. I asked her if she wanted to do art lessons with her sister and she said no.

What do I do? How can I get her to be more confident? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading such a long post.

[Ceepa]

As far as extracurricular activities, DC2 wanted nothing to do with any of DC1's activities. We had to figure out what interests DC2 had that hadn't already been done by our older child.

Maybe figure out what would interest DD2 that DD1 didn't already do?

ETA: It sounds like a lot of your DD2's behavior (separation anxiety, performance anxiety) is developmentally appropriate for 4 yo. It sounds like she's getting along with her peers and doing her schoolwork willingly. I wouldn't label her as EXTREMELY shy just yet.

[egoldber]

I was also thinking that she may not want to do the the things that her older sister is doing. One of the reasons I hated piano lessons as a child was that my older siblings were much better than I was (they were several years older) and I was very self conscious about being a beginner. So finding things that could be her own so that she doesn't compare herself to your older DD may be key.

Like the PP said, I don't think that what she is doing is out of the range of normal development. I would continue to encourage her while not forcing.

I was an extremely shy child and the only thing that really helped me was time. My father (a huge extrovert) had no patience for my shyness and everything that he did to force me only backfired. But at the same time, I think that gentle, steady encouragement to try new and different things would have helped me a lot.

[sste]

I think public speaking rates as one of the top fears nationwide . . . surpassing death I believe! Just wanted to throw in my two cents that to me it sounded from your description that your DD IS surpassing her shyness. No crying at drop off, having friends, socializing and interacting, bonding with her teacher. So, I would celebrate! If you want to work on the public speaking maybe set mini-goals: first, she just has to stand up in front of the class, show a picture, and sit back down; perhaps later she can say her name and show an object and sit back down, then a sentence and so on. And maybe a special safety object that she can take with her during class presentations - - holding her favorite stuffed animals or somesuch.

[maestramommy]

I think if at age 4 she is doing well in her work and has friends, that's all you can reasonably expect. Why does she have to be able to do an oral presentation to an audience to "pass muster?" Is this a developmental milestone or something? Just seems like a lot to expect of any 4 yo.

[Kungjo]

Let me clarify that the type of presentation they have in school is not in front of the class. Rather, parents come in to the Open House and go to an area where their child has their work/presentation set up. From there the child does the presentation for the parents only. There are small areas like this set up throughout the class so all the children do their presentation for their parents at around the same time. My DD wouldn't get out of the chair. She would just sit there.

Also, she has always been slow to warm up to a new environment. When we went to her friend's birthday party at a gym, all the other kids went to jump and swing, etc. Mine sat in my lap or near me till she decided that she wanted to play. By the time she was comfortable, about half the playtime for the party was over and she didn't want to leave because she didn't get to play enough.

She is also a completely different child at home. Singing and dancing and laughing with her older sister. She's much more quiet and reserved at school. I tell that to her teacher and she's amazed at the difference.

I've never dealt with this before as my older DD is a social butterfly. She makes friends instantly. Older DD jumps out of the van at carpool and runs into her classroom without so much as a backward glance. Younger DD is not like that at all. I know that each child is different and develops differently so I'm not trying to compare the two too much.

We've been very patient with DD #2 and are happy for her to develop her own way. It's just that the teacher raised the concern and now I'm worried. Should I be concerned? What should I do? We try our best to provide DD #2 with a watrm loving environment and encourage her to develop on her own. Is there anything we can try to get her to open up more or feel more at ease quicker?

Thanks!

[egoldber]

I think what you describe is very much within the range of normal. I would keep an eye on it, but try not to be too concerned. I know what it's like when your two are soooo different! I almost feel with Amy that having Sarah taught me nothing about parenting LOL!!!

[Raidra]

I have one child who is definitely shy (not extremely, but more than just shy, if that makes sense), and one child who is shy sometimes in seemingly random circumstances. In our family, my husband, my father, my sister, and I are all shy. My husband, father, and sister are all on social anxiety meds. Just to give my credentials. ;)

I would not push your daughter at all if she's acting shy. In my experience, both from my childhood and my parenting, pushing a child to participate when they're feeling shy will only backfire. Shy kids need lots and lots of time, in two ways. First, they need time to mature. Lots of kids will 'grow out' of shyness, though it's more like they slowly develop ways to cope - I'm still shy, but I know how to work through it to do what needs to be done. And on a more immediate scale, they need time to get accustomed to people and places before feeling comfortable. In the presentation example you gave, where she balked, you could try practicing at home before doing it at school.. though again, don't force her to practice if she really doesn't want to. We do book club with our homeschool group and the kids are given the opportunity to share their journal entries in circle time. We practice frequently at home, and my super shy kid almost always shares in front of the group.

There are books you can read if you feel that this will be more than a passing stage. The Shy Child by Ward K Swallow and Nurturing the Shy Child by Barbara Markway are two I've read.

Shyness is normal and while you can't ever make your child not be shy, you can teach them ways to cope. Most of this involves rehearsing and acting out scenarios ahead of time. But above all, don't push - it will only cause problems, and I speak from experience. :)