Toddler dinner battles

[wendibird22]

What is your approach to toddler dinner battles?

DD (27mos) is usually a good eater for most meals. But, occasionally she goes through the typical picky toddler stage, doesn't want what's on her plate, says she's all done and wants down (even though we know she's hungry) and then turns into a crying mess hours later about every little thing (because we know she's hungry). I'm trying to teach her to eat or at least try what she's offered and I don't want to get into a habit of rattling off everything in our fridge and pantry hoping to find something that she'll eat. BUT, if we stick to our guns with what's served then we have to deal with the tantrum later on and then of course, find something for her to eat...all as the clock ticks closer to or past bedtime.

Last night she had 2 bites of meatloaf and mashed potatoes (things she likes) said she was all done so we excused her from the table and didn't offer her anything else. Then she became a basket case all through bath time and pj's (again, things she likes). DH asked her if she was hungry and of course she said yes. So at 7:15pm (her bedtime) she's eating a pb&j.

Just not sure what the "right" approach is...or if at 2yrs old, there really is a "right" approach.

[egoldber]

I avoid meal battles at all possible costs. That's more about me and about growing up with very unhealthy attitudes about food than anything else.

In your particular example, I would have let her down and saved her dinner for later. If she truly isn't hungry at dinner time, then I don't see the point in forcing her to eat at that time. Both of my kids usually want a snack before bed and I let them. But I figure DH and I usually eat a snack before bed too, so how is it so different?

[jhrabosk]

With my DD, when she doesn't eat at the dinner table, she doesn't end up in such a melt-down as yours, so I have no problem saying "kitchen is closed" once we're done. However, to Beth's point, is there a way that you can reframe it so that it's on your terms and no longer a battle? For example, if you implement a small snack before bed as part of YOUR rules, rather than because she's demanding it.

Take care though that you're not teaching her to hold out for the "good stuff" when she doesn't eat her dinner. A mom in my community is a food sociologist and she blogs about these issues. Check out her blog for some suggestions on this subject: itsnotaboutnutrition.com.

Good luck!

[wendibird22]

Exactly. I don't want it to be a battle. We did wrap up her dinner and save it for later, but even later when she starving, she wouldn't eat it...hence the pb&j. I'm confident she was hungry at dinner time but just didn't want what was served and so she claimed she was "all done". And DH and I knew the tears would come later because her tantrums are always because she's either tired or hungry.

I guess I struggle because I know she's hungry at dinner time and I know if she doesn't eat she'll be cranky later on. So deep down I want to her to eat something...anything...to avoid that meltdown later. But, I also don't want to play the game of what do you want to eat? Cheese? No. Toast? No. Fruit? No. And so on and so on until I happen upon the one thing she's willing to eat. As soon has she finished a 1/2 sandwich last night she was a totally transformed child...happy as could be and ready for bed.

ETA: Thanks for the link. Great blog!

[hillview]

DS #2 is same age. He does something similar at times. We:
- sit with him -- often this helps him not be so curious to get down
- try to engage him in eating
- if he had 2 bites of meatloaf and some potatoes; I'd offer him yogurt or cheese oddly if he gets something "new" he will eat that and then GO BACK to the original meal. I do this when I was planning on serving yogurt anyway.
- sometimes if I have a bite he will start to eat it again
- he gets fruit if the above does not work (again this is my planned meal)

I don't battle the food thing although I DO require that people sit at the table while eating.

I also don't sweat the food thing. My kids are well fed and if they don't want to eat dinner I might try a little and then let them go. They are not going to starve. I will save their plates and offer it again later if they are hungry. DS #1 is a great eater (although he takes FOREVER to eat) so this applies less to him than to DS #2 (will eat everything within 5 mins -- "all done"). DS #2 however is a giant and we don't worry that he will go hungry ever.
/hillary

[egoldber]

I hear you, because Amy does this too. When she does not eat, it's ugly. But I've also learned that I can't force her.

This isn't a "rule", but what we do is more along the lines of, if it's within an hour of "dinner time", then we offer her dinner again. If she doesn't eat it then, I put it away and then offer her a "snack" at bedtime. So in my mind, she's not getting a "reward" by having the snack instead of dinner, KWIM?

Also, it helps me to think about things from an adult's viewpoint. How would I feel if someone kept trying to make me eat something that I didn't want to eat for dinner? I'd be mad. Some nights I'm not in the mood for meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Does it really matter if I prefer to eat apple slices and yogurt at 7 vs meatloaf and mashed potatoes at 5? No. So I try not to let my issues around having prepared the meal get in the way of seeing that.

Obviously, this is what works for me and for our family. :)

[sste]

We have a scheduled "dinner 1" and "dinner 2." Dinner 1 is at 5pm and is usually the main meal. Dinner 2 is at 7/730 and is usually a snack unless DS seems hungry or didn't eat alot at Dinner 1. We also have pre-breakfast snack, breakfast, lunch, and post-lunch snack. DS does better with alot of little meals.

[Seitvonzu]

we're having similar issues. yesterday was a MESS (daddy is out of town and we were out of town and our schedule is all a shambles!), including mealtime. lu wouldn't eat something she typically LOVES and threw it all over the floor. actually- because i was desperate-- i offered her her "normal" dinner (the one i specially prepared because i just knew she'd eat it) and her "second" dinner which was leftover lunch. after she rejected the first dinner after she rearranged the placemats and was thrwoing them, i needed a time out, so i moved first dinner, gave her second dinner and told her "mommy is getting frustrated. she is going to have time out to put the laundry in, be right back!" and i went to quickly throw in the wash...sometimes if dh & i ignore lucy, she'll start eating. sometimes she needs us there. CRASH!!! both dinners (yes even the one i moved to the far end of the table...how did THAT happen?) were all over the kitchen floor...peas EVERYWHERE.

i've found that we do lots of the same things that hil suggested-- sit with her, eat a bite of her food, give her something new (but planned) and she'll start eating the other stuff.... sometimes she still doesn't eat. she'll always eat a few things- yogurt is one. toast. shredded cheese. i call these "low effort foods"-- oh she'll also always eat breakfast meat (you know, bacon, sausage, ham....tsktsk). other things, it's totally mood based. sometimes she'll ask for yogurt three times a day, i try to not give into that , but it has happened in a pinch. i try not to sweat it, but it's hard. the other day she spontaneously started eating peas-- as long as i would hand her them one by one...that took FOREVER. (i think this had to do with a book from the library, but we've tried that before and it's never worked) she is a slow slow eater, and would eat little meals all day, but i have a hard time doing that and keeping them nutritionally diverse enough. she also craves variety, but eats so little, it's very difficult!

some days i think "lucy lives on cheese, yogurt, almond butter and waffles (with blueberries!)." but that's not *exactly* true. i am nervous enough to still be giving her a multivitamin...when i remember :)

[Seitvonzu]

oh some other things have worked somewhat--
1. i started saying "would you like mommy's fork to eat with?" for some reason she loves that and will immeadiately start taking bites from it

2. if i give her food that looks just the same as our food she really likes that... sometimes i was noticing that she would eat from our plates but not her own, even if the food was exactly the same. i think cutting it up and "processing" it was making it look too different.

3.she also likes her food hotter than you might want to give a toddler. sometimes she likes food COLD. i'm not sure why my child will eat chicken parm right out of the fridge- but she will! it's weird. this is one way to make a variety she craves... ugh!

all this said- my child eats HER way. it's hard. i empathize!

[daisymommy]

Beth, I just have to tell you, I have learned so much from you on the boards :) I think your approach to eating/dinner issues is excellent, and I'm going to have to try it! :thumbsup:

[wellyes]

some days i think "lucy lives on cheese, yogurt, almond butter and waffles (with blueberries!)." but that's not *exactly* true. i am nervous enough to still be giving her a multivitamin...when i remember :)

Oh my goodness, I can't tell you what a relief it is to see that I'm not the only one. That's basically DD's diet.

After a "failure to thrive" scare when she transitioned to solids, we made the HUGE mistake of thinking getting her to eat was more important than what she ate. I went through a time of just being happy when she ate anything at all, even if her meal for the day was microwave pancakes, goldfish crackers and string cheese. Now it's a battle to get her to eat any kind of variety. I'm going to watch this thread very closely.



We have a scheduled "dinner 1" and "dinner 2." Dinner 1 is at 5pm and is usually the main meal. Dinner 2 is at 7/730 and is usually a snack unless DS seems hungry or didn't eat alot at Dinner 1. We also have pre-breakfast snack, breakfast, lunch, and post-lunch snack. DS does better with alot of little meals.

That reminds me of Hobbits LOL. "What about breakfast? What about second breakfast?" (Sorry that I'm a such a geek).

[inmypjs]

These are the meal and food related rules at our house:

It is my (or DH's) responsibility to provide a healthy, balanced meal for our kids. It is THEIR responsibility to decide what, if anything, they will eat. They are required to come to the table and use good manners at mealtime, but they are not required to eat.

My kids are 5 and almost 3 - these have been our "policies" since they began self-feeding.

Whether they eat at any meal or not is truly their choice, so for us there just isn't a power struggle. If they say "I'm not hungry" or "I don't like that", we simply tell them that's fine, you don't have to eat, but you do have to come to the table and be polite. Then we remind them there will not be anything to eat until the next planned meal or snack time. So in the case of dinner, we'll say, "Sure, that's fine, you don't have to eat, but remember the next meal isn't until breakfast." After that, sometimes they eat, sometimes they don't - it's up to them. But we do not save their food for later, or cook something different, and they know this.

I think that many feeding problems result when parents take too much responsibility for their children's eating. Children can manage their own eating. Also, lots of food acceptance research shows that children are less likely to accept foods as adults when they are forced to eat them as children.

These ideas are not my own - I began using them after reading Ellyn Satter's books on eating. Here's her web site: http://www.ellynsatter.com/. She's a social worker and has written a great deal on kids, food, battles, etc.

[vonfirmath]

My son is more of a snacker than an eater. I offer him a variety of healthy things to eat. But I'm not too upset if he doesn't feel like eating. It gets put back in the refrigerator and offered again the next time he's hungry. Often, it gets eaten the second time.

After about the third offer, either I'll eat it or it will go in the trash. Honestly food doesn't tolerate being warmed up THAT often. Maybe when he's older I'll insist more on him eating what is offered. But for now I just wnat him to eat and be filled. Some of this is also because he can't tell us what he wants. (Though he can say "cheese" and "milk" -- and sometimes we have to limit those and say "You're done for today. What else do you want eat?")

I like to remind myself that eating is not something I can force. I can only make sure he's got food to eat and stuff to drink. The rest is up to him and trying to force the issue gives him an issue to "win"

[erosenst]

We have avoided a TON of food battles by following the Ellyn Satter guidelines outlined by KatieG. And the website provides more than enough info to get the idea.

We've modified it a little because of our schedules. DH and I work outside of the house. We all get home at 5:30ish, and Abby still has an early bedtime (7:15 at the latest, and she's almost 6). So she eats by herself (with us sitting there) and DH and I eat later. Not ideal, but the best of the alternatives. DH offers her more choices than I would...but the rest holds. If she only wants a bite or two, we ask ONCE "are you sure?". She usually says yes, and is done til breakfast. Similarly, on the nights she eats like a football player, we might say "wow, you're really hungry tonight!" once. But that's it.

And when I make her dinner, she doesn't have to eat/try what she doesn't want if I don't ask opinions first. But there's not another alternative. I make a point to occasionally ask her to choose what she wants instead of me choosing, and also make sure to always have one or two things I know she'll always eat.

Good luck -

[wendibird22]

These are the meal and food related rules at our house:

It is my (or DH's) responsibility to provide a healthy, balanced meal for our kids. It is THEIR responsibility to decide what, if anything, they will eat. They are required to come to the table and use good manners at mealtime, but they are not required to eat.

My kids are 5 and almost 3 - these have been our "policies" since they began self-feeding.

Whether they eat at any meal or not is truly their choice, so for us there just isn't a power struggle. If they say "I'm not hungry" or "I don't like that", we simply tell them that's fine, you don't have to eat, but you do have to come to the table and be polite. Then we remind them there will not be anything to eat until the next planned meal or snack time. So in the case of dinner, we'll say, "Sure, that's fine, you don't have to eat, but remember the next meal isn't until breakfast." After that, sometimes they eat, sometimes they don't - it's up to them. But we do not save their food for later, or cook something different, and they know this.


This is the approach I'd like to take. But, then I'm lost with how to deal with the inevitable meltdown that will occur later because she's hungry, but doesn't realize that's what her issue is because she's only 2 OR when she says, "I want something to eat" an hour after refusing dinner and we are in the middle of brushing teeth and getting pj's on.

I'd be willing to build an evening snack into the routine, but there just isn't time. DH and DD don't get home until 5:30 most nights and she goes to bed at 7. So, that 1.5hrs is occupied with dinner, bath, books, and bed.

[jillc]

Hi there,

We follow the Ellyn Satter plan, too, as KatieG described. So we decide what foods to put on the table, and the kids decide whether/how much to eat. One thing that might help that hasn't been mentioned is to offer bread and butter with dinner. This was one of Ellyn Satter's tips, too. I don't always do this, but if I don't, I make sure to have something else that I'm pretty certain the kids will eat, like plain pasta tossed in EVOO. Satter mentioned (can't remember in which book) that kids (& adults) are more likely to try new foods when they feel reassured by the fact that there is something on the table that they like. Or they might just eat bread and butter for that meal, but they won't starve. Kind of like when I went to a wedding reception where the food was all traditional Indian food, which I had never tried. Nothing looked appealing to me, and I was worried that I'd be hungry all night, but then I remembered the granola bar in my purse. Hooray! I ate the granola bar and then tried some tastes of new foods. That's how I relate to the bread and butter thing.

Also, we sometimes offer dessert after dinner. Each person gets one serving. If all you eat is dessert, that is fine. Again, a Satter thing.

jill

[wendibird22]

Thanks all. I'll check out the Ellyn Satter site. I'm fortunate that these battles are few and far between, but I do want to have a consistent plan for when they do happen.

[inmypjs]

This is the approach I'd like to take. But, then I'm lost with how to deal with the inevitable meltdown that will occur later because she's hungry, but doesn't realize that's what her issue is because she's only 2 OR when she says, "I want something to eat" an hour after refusing dinner and we are in the middle of brushing teeth and getting pj's on.

I'd be willing to build an evening snack into the routine, but there just isn't time. DH and DD don't get home until 5:30 most nights and she goes to bed at 7. So, that 1.5hrs is occupied with dinner, bath, books, and bed.

I think it's like any behavior you want to change...there are meltdowns at first and they are not fun, but after a few times they get the idea. At 2, she may not understand the first time you say "No, the next meal/snack isn't until later", but after she experiences the consequences a few times I do think she'll get it. I think the main thing is for you to let go of being responsible for them eating or not - that's up to them to choose.

I also think the previous poster's suggestion of offering "safe" foods at each meal is great!

[egoldber]

This is the approach I'd like to take. But, then I'm lost with how to deal with the inevitable meltdown that will occur later because she's hungry,

I am a HUGE fan of Ellyn Satter, but this is why we do not strictly follow her advice. I am not willing to deal with the inevitable low blood sugar meltdowns. Satter doesn't live in my house and doesn't have to deal with a kid waking every 2 hours at night because she is hungry. ;)

I think that her advice of parents providing the what and when and children deciding the whether or not and how much can be adapted to meet each family's needs. I don't personally feel there is one right way to approach this.

There are pretty clearly some wrong ways ;) (force feedings, punishment for not eating or eating "too much", shaming, etc.), but I think capturing the essence of it is good enough. JMO.

[Melaine]

That reminds me of Hobbits LOL. "What about breakfast? What about second breakfast?" (Sorry that I'm a such a geek).

:hysterical: My kids always eat two breakfasts. They have kind of look like hobbits kids too!

[ThreeofUs]

You know, I agree with Beth. If DS1 doesn't want to eat, I tell him it's his choice, but that this is dinner, I'm not making anything else, and I'm not the one who will be hungry if he chooses not to eat. And then we talk about solutions (saving dinner, etc.)

I try to do this as nicely as possible, but I simply can't go around trying to tempt him. And I think if I were to do this for him, it would set up unrealistic expectations for him of my behavior, which would lead pretty quickly to a poor dynamic when the power games start. JMHO. :)


"What about breakfast? What about second breakfast?" (Sorry that I'm a such a geek).

This is exactly what we call our many meals! Breakfast, second breakfast, brunch, etc., right through supper, second supper, and snack. lol

[ThreeofUs]

I'd be willing to build an evening snack into the routine, but there just isn't time. DH and DD don't get home until 5:30 most nights and she goes to bed at 7. So, that 1.5hrs is occupied with dinner, bath, books, and bed.

What about reading a book while she snacks on some apple slices, then brush teeth and bed?

That's how we work it in.