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WatchingThemGrow
11-16-2009, 08:55 PM
Just looking for some ideas. DH and I had a spat last night and it made us realize we need some time for us. We can't really fall back to what we did before DC, because that was only 9.5 mos.

The one thing we try to do is to walk at the gym for 30 min 2-3x/week and talk w/o having to take care of DC. They go to the nursery. Aside from that, we have ideas, but they are cost-prohibitive and not really feasible.

SnuggleBuggles
11-16-2009, 09:01 PM
I have found that a nice bottle (or glass) of wine after the kids go to bed helps. :)

We have been trying to go out on dates somewhat regularly but often we just hang out at home together. We watch tv, play games, and work on things around the house together.

What a great idea to go walking together at the gym. :) Dh and I used to take weight lifting class together but we don't belong to the same gym anymore.

Beth

wellyes
11-16-2009, 09:01 PM
I read a story about a couple that sat and drank a glass of wine together every night before bed.... no tv, no computer, just sit at the table and talk every night for 20 minutes or so. If you don't drink, herbal tea perhaps?

I think parenthood really brings a husband and wife together in a lot of way but it also changes the marriage in such a fundamental way that it's hard to figure out the new landscape. I'm still working on it myself.

ourbabygirl
11-16-2009, 09:04 PM
Wow, your thread came at a good time. DH and I are going through an interesting time, too, as we realize we really need to put more effort into things. I read somewhere that each partner doesn't need to put 50% (50/50) into the marriage, they need to put 100% in, and I think that's true. Our marriage has just gotten boring since I got pregnant and had DD; we hardly ever go out on dates and don't really do anything romantic to 'woo' the other one, so as my mom said, the mystery is gone. We spend way too much time together since he works from home and I'm a SAHM now, but it's not quality time. And I think we take one another for granted and get bored of the monotony and resentful if the other person isn't doing enough to help with the kid(s) or housework.
Do you have any hobbies you can do together?
How about a vacation to reconnect?
Maybe an hour of quality alone time together after the kids go to bed? Watch a fun t.v. show together, play cards or a board game, play 20 questions or something like that.
Make plans to go out more often with other couples, and do something fun like go dancing or ice skating or sledding (if it snows where you live)... something where you have body contact without being overtly sexual might help. :)
Maybe marriage counseling and read some books on the subject if you think it's necessary.

Good luck! :heartbeat:

MommyAllison
11-16-2009, 09:15 PM
Occasional date nights, with time to just talk in between. Every couple weeks we'll end up talking for a few hours in bed after the kids are asleep. That gets us through to the next date night.

ThreeofUs
11-16-2009, 09:21 PM
We're not doing a good job, either. We should be spending more time with each other, or take on a project together, but our worlds have separated as DH has become inundated with work, super stressed out, and now is gone for a couple of months and I have become inundated with kids and consumed by the house renovations. He's kinda dropped out of the kids and house focus we had shared, and the time we spent working together is now gone, because he's on his laptop until 4 am. Mind you, I'm not b!tching, just describing.

We've decided to do a few things differently. First, we are re-instituting date night. Once a month, we're getting out together without kids. Second, we're blocking out a hour *every* night to talk or be otherwise intimate. ;) We figure all three, taken together, should close the distance.

I sure hope it will!

BabyMine
11-16-2009, 09:21 PM
Every Sat night is our movie night. We also IM each other several times a day. What I found that brought us together was to laugh more. It sounds stupid but just joking with each other takes care of some of the stress.

SkyrMommy
11-16-2009, 09:26 PM
We get a chance for a date night here and there.

We also try to take a walk every few days together... granted DD and the dog are along as well, but we get some fresh air and just simply enjoy each others' company.

But more importantly most every night we quietly curl up and face each other to just talk for a while... what we've been doing, what we'd like to accomplish for the week, how we're feeling, family issues or things going on. It's quiet and sometimes DH gets to vent a bit about work and such and sometimes I get to rant about things irritating me.

DH and I are consciously trying to make time to listen and be there for each other now that DD is here, we had many years together before her and we're trying not to lose each other in the daily baby routine.

SnuggleBuggles
11-16-2009, 09:29 PM
Every Sat night is our movie night. We also IM each other several times a day. What I found that brought us together was to laugh more. It sounds stupid but just joking with each other takes some care of some of the stress.
:yeahthat: Dh and I IM a bunch during the day (naptime). I love it. :) I just enjoy his company and talking with him like I would a friend, kwim?

Beth

mecawa
11-16-2009, 09:31 PM
Before DD2 came we had date night once a month (got a sitter, saw a movie, tried a different restaurant, etc.) Since DD2 arrived 10 months ago we've only done that twice. We need to get back into it.

My favorite thing to do is to just sit down and watch TV, talk together, just snuggle on the couch, etc. after the girls are asleep. That's what we did before we had the kids and it was great. We don't get to do that for as long of a period as we did before kids of course, but we can usually fit something like that in on the weekends.

citymama
11-16-2009, 09:37 PM
Such a great question. I've been thinking about this as well. I've had a yucky pregnancy so far and I know this has put an additional strain on DH. He is doing a lot more running around (groceries, chores, DD pick up and drop offs) and ends up working every night to make up for lost time. We both end up spending many evenings sitting at his and hers laptops. Yikes! We're crazy about each other but really don't take enough time to show it these days. This is a nice wake-up call to get!

Date nights are great. And taking some time every day to hang out with each other is sooo important. I love the idea of exercising together as bonding time. When DD went to bed at a reasonable hour, we ate dinner together as a couple - with or without wine - every night after her bedtime. Now we eat as a family, hang out as a family, and then DH fires up the laptop while I get DD ready for bed. :-(

I think mindfulness is essential in nurturing a marriage - being aware that you need to make time for each other, be patient with each other, and that you are in this for the long haul because you love each other.

I think about my parents who have been married nearly 50 years and are still truly lovebirds. They were out together every Fri and Sat night for my entire childhood, and while I might have resented it sometimes as a kid, it helped them build a long-lasting relationship that gave us so much security and comfort as kids. Sometimes, time away from your kids is necessary for your kids' own health and happiness!

firsttimemama
11-16-2009, 09:38 PM
We were married quite a few years before DS so between parenthood and the 7th yr of marriage, we wound up in marriage counseling. It is helping us break some old patterns and get to a better place.

In October I scheduled with our babysitter for 1 date night each in : Oct, Nov, Dec.

I recently read the book Nonviolent Communication and highly recommend if you want to work on communication skills.

There has been a certain surrender on both our parts to the reality that DS is young, he does not sleep, and this "season in our marriage" is one that is pretty child-focused. We know DS won't be this young forever.

Marriage is hard work, that's for sure. So is parenting. The combination is pretty insane.

Ceepa
11-16-2009, 09:39 PM
Sometimes we need to reconnect and talk so we'll sit and unload our troubles or thoughts or concerns. And sometimes we need to just bond over a little mindless entertainment. We pick a TV series to rent and then watch an episode after DC go to sleep 2-3 times a week. It's like a little at-home date night in the middle of the week. We sit on the couch and have snacks and get caught up in the storyline and make editorial remarks. And then the next day we always seem to have little inside jokes, quotes and predictions going. We're laughing before he goes to work and that starts the day well for both of us.

gobadgers
11-16-2009, 09:53 PM
We pick a TV series to rent and then watch an episode after DC go to sleep 2-3 times a week. It's like a little at-home date night in the middle of the week.

We've been doing this too, I think it really helps! It doesn't matter really what show we watch, but we sit down and watch them together.

hillview
11-16-2009, 10:16 PM
We do dinner after the kids are in bed a couple of nights a week. Candlelight/no TV. We do have the bonus of being able to hire a sitter (my parents) a night a week (after kids are in bed -- my parents live with us). We try to get away as a couple 1-2x a year. Lots of talking lots of emails less TV works well for us mostly ;)
/hillary

khalloc
11-17-2009, 09:53 AM
Tropical vacations without the kids. Thats pretty much all. ;)

mommylamb
11-17-2009, 10:08 AM
DH and I carpool into the city together every morning. OK, so this is not necessarily quality time because half the time I'm swearing at other drivers, but sometimes it gives us an opportunity to talk without DS around.

More than anything though, I think of my relationship with him as my best friendship, so we just talk like friends a lot. We were married for nearly 7 years when DS was born, so we had a long time to become good friends before becoming parents.

We would both like to do date night more frequently, but sometimes other things get in the way. DH is the one who puts more effort into keeping the romance up in the relationship. Last year for Christmas we bought ourselves a professional massage table, so that's nice. We've been married nearly 9 years now, and both of us are still really happy.

daisyd
11-17-2009, 11:09 AM
Great question. I enjoyed reading everyone's suggestions.

DH and I spend a few minutes every evening chatting about our day at work or anything else that's on our minds, as soon as we return home or while one of us is fixing dinner. DH is under a lot of stress at work so it helps when I listen. He also offers a second perspective to stuff happening at my workplace which I value very much. We also get a little together time if DC sleeps before we do. We try to give each other a break by picking up each others chores when we know the other person is very tired.

DH says he likes to ask himself every day what he can do to make DC's and my life better. I try to do the same.

WTG, hope things get better for you soon. Hugs

Jen841
11-17-2009, 11:45 AM
We were on a good routine of "at home date nights." We alternated planning an activity and making dinner. We could order in or make dinner, one person was responsible to having a dinner to eat. The other would plan something. We have watched movies, played games, put together Christmas gifts, did on-line shopping, did on-line travel plans, organized parts of the house (not fun, but fun to do together), watched our wedding DVDs (set of 3)... the time was for us. Each person would make an "investment" so I would not need to plan it all.

Each week now we do watch The Office and 30 Rock together, we save it to do together rather than watching it alone.

As the kids get older we are having more family nights vs date nights. Need to plan some date nights.

One thing we have enjoyed doing is purchasing a new smoker and planning/cooking meals. We love BBQ so we have fun doing it together. I cook, but a smoker is not a tool/type of cooking I know. It is fun! We just upgraded, so more fun is on the horizon!

WatchingThemGrow
11-17-2009, 12:29 PM
Super suggestions, mamas!!! The vacationing together thing sounds dreamy, but it just isn't possible right now (see siggie) since our parents are pretty old/not available for childcare more than 1-2 hours.

We're trying to look at our commitments, the hours in each day, and figure out how much time to allocate to each activity. We're not getting enough sleep or exercise, which seems to make us a little snippy and somewhat ineffective in the things we do. Now that DS2 is almost weaned and we're not fighting the low supply battle, my guess is that we'll get to bed on time, then be able to plan some of these types of thing. Thanks for all your suggestions. Please keep sharing as I think it is good for us all to hear. I went to hear a speaker at DD's preschool this morning, and she said the first thing to do to help your children be cooperative is to care for yourself and for your relationships.

maestramommy
11-17-2009, 03:42 PM
I know this isn't for everyone, but we do not eat dinner with our kids on weekdays, and until recently we didn't eat dinner with them at all. That is/was our time to talk over things, and just have uninterrupted conversation. I know that eating together as a family is very important, which is why we have all 3 meals together on weekends. Given our kids ages we feel that is enough for now. I think that is one of the biggest things we do on a regular basis that keeps us connected.

Date night is getting harder, so we watch videos at home more often. We also take every op. to just chat. For example, I cut Dh's hair. That happens 1-2 times a month and takes about half an hour, but it's half an hour of just chatting.

One last thing that comes to mind is more attitudinal. We always to assume that the other person is trying their best with getting things done around the house, taking care of the kids, chores, etc. There is separation of tasks. I usually take care of the kids, and household stuff, and Dh takes care of everything related to the house itself, and everything outside, and the cars. But he has some domestic tasks that are his responsibility, like dinner dishes. And making oatmeal and bread for the morning. So I try not to harp on things like the way he loads the dishwasher, and I will tell him specifically if I need his help with the kids, instead of assuming he should just know, like I used to:p And he knows I'm like a chicken with no head most days so he never gets on me about all the time I spend online:loveeyes:

DebbieJ
11-17-2009, 05:23 PM
Right now, we watch TV together. We rent series from Netflix and watch them together as I'm nursing DS2 down to sleep.

I would love regular date nights, but it's just not happening right now.

pantrygirl
11-17-2009, 05:40 PM
Budgets are tight and we really don't have opportunities to do anything without our toddler.

Our schedules are nuts too. Essentially, we only have time b/w midnight and 7am for each other on most days.

What we do try to do is, text message each other throughout the day. it can be about anything as mundane as 'just had lunch' or a picture of our daughter to make each other smile.

We try but don't always succeed to eat a meal together without our child once a week. Most of the time it's while she is napping or sleeping. Sure dinner at 10pm isn't ideal but it's really nice to eat together.

We also don't eat at the table. We eat at the table as a family every day. When we get the opportunity to eat as husband and wife, we pull out a picnic blanket and sit on it and eat together. It's cheesy but it feels less like the everyday and we're sitting closer and more informally.

Finally, and I don't know if anyone broached this but just like weird times for meals, we also make do with strange times for nookie. :p Sometimes, you just have to find the time. Sometimes waiting until everything for the day is done (dishes, laundry, etc) just won't do.

Hope this helps and I look forward to other suggestions. This is a great topic.:thumbsup:

AJP
11-17-2009, 09:35 PM
I dream of the day where we actually see eachother enough to do most of these things again. DH's schedule is so crazy still. We order out once, sometimes twice a week if he's home early enough the 2nd day(usually Sunday night) and thats pretty much the only meal we eat together all week. We chitchat while eating take out and catching up on some DVR'd shows. I like to bake him cookies and we'll snack on those late at nigt and catch up. Thats all we have time for. Pretty sad huh? Of course like a PP said, there's always time for the "other" fun stuff! lol
Of course we go out one afternoon/evening a week, but as a family. It is usually to do some errands for his store or do BJ's, Target etc. for family stuff.
We've had probably 4 evenings out without the kids in the 15 months since they've been born. Two were weddings, a Halloween party at my sisters house and a Christmas party last year. We've each had a birthday, 2 anniversaries & 1 Valentines day....no dates.
How I dream of him having a sane schedule again soon :(