Thinking of going back to work, but serious mixed emotions--anyone BTDT?

[jenfromnj]

DS is 8 months old, and while I love him dearly and feel very fortunate to have been home with him up to this point, for various reasons I am seriously considering going back to work after the 1st of the year. Though I do have a good bunch WOHM friends, my family and close friends all have families with SAHM dynamics, and needless to say, this (preliminary) decision is not being well received, and some of their comments are making me feel really guilty and causing me to reconsider even the possibiity.

I think it would be more black and white if we strictly needed my income to survive. As it stands now, we have enough money to pay the bills on what DH makes, but we are not saving as much as we'd ideally like for retirement or our home improvement/forever house fund. We'd also love to have more resources for things such as good vacations and other things that we value to some degree. Also, right now our benefits are really expensive, since DH is technically self-employed, so the job's benefits would save us quite a bit of money.

It's not entirely financial, though--my career was a huge part of my identity pre-DS, and while I would not want to go back to working 18 hour days, I suspect that working "normal" hours (the position I was contacted about would be a significant pay cut, but would also be a strictly 30-35 hour per week commitment and a 5-10 minute commute), still permitting me to spend a good amount of quality time with DS, would be good for both of us. A big problem is, I won't know for sure if it was a good idea until I make the decision, and it would be difficult to take the job and then decide it's not for me--someone who I greatly value professionally and personally would essentially have to vouch for me to get this job (it's a department that does nearly all of its hiring/promotions from within), and doing that would be shooting myself in the foot for future opportunities. But on the other hand, this job is probably as close to the ideal situation as I'd be likely to find, in terms of the company, the commute and the benefits, so it's really tempting and I don't know when something like this will come along again.

I have received a lot of unsolicited feedback (most of it of the passive-aggressive variety) to the effect that my son is still very small, will only be little once, needs his momma, etc, and that work will always be there. I think it's hard for many of them to understand why I'd possibly want to work if I don't absolutely have to, and I'm apparently not doing a very good job of explaining it, as I'm even doubting myself. I know it's not anyone else's decision, but I am not typically swayed at all by the kind of passive-aggressive guilt tripping that I'm experiencing here, and I know there is a reason it's hitting a nerve this time.

If anyone has BTDT and come out on either side of the debate, I'd love the benefit of your experience!

[teedeedee]

I have BTDT. I too felt like I had lost my identity. I got to a point where I wondered how many more loads of laundry I could do. I always felt I had to add, "don't get me wrong, I love my baby and I love being home with her, and I know we're blessed that I don't have to work"...to everything.

Ultimately, I decided to put her in daycare when she was 14 months. I cried for a week- she however, was happy as could be. She loves the other kids and the teachers. She is developing at an amazing rate- she loves it. I am happy now that I feel a little more like me again. There are days I can't wait to go get my girl- but I feel like I treasure every minute I have with her now. I think I am a better mother now that I have something that is mine- other than a clean house. I feel like I can have interesting conversations with my friends again- I have friends again! Not just quick conversations with them. And not just time with other playdate moms. I don't feel like DH takes me for granted now...I felt that way a lot before.

I think others- women in particular- sometimes need to remember that we each need to choose what is right for us. I got a lot of flak when I decided to stay home. I got a lot of flak when I decided to go back. Only you and your DH can choose what is right for your family- everyone else will deal with it!

HTH,
TD

[citymama]

I can absolutely relate and have been there. It is such a tough decision and it took a long time before I felt truly comfortable with it. I felt pressure to go back and to stay home, guilt about going back and frustration about not going back. It is tough to be a working mom! Or any kind of mom for that matter. I decided to give it a shot and see how it went. Make sure you give yourself enough time once you return to work to see how it goes because the first weeks/months are hard - you literally suffer from separation anxiety from your baby. And having to pump at work isn't so much fun. I was lucky that I got to go back 3 days/week from age 6-24 months, so didn't have to work full-time. Although in hindsight I was working flat out to cover a full-time position in 3 days, and only getting paid PT, but still, not having to go to work 2 days a week was a big help.

I think ultimately you have to be confident in your decision as an individual, and not let the naysayers and peanut gallery get to you. It's really important to have the support of your spouse, and good childcare so you have peace of mind. I love my work, I adore my child and I am happy to be able to be a working mommy! I hope I can swing the same arrangement when DC#2 arrives.

All the best!

[niccig]

I think others- women in particular- sometimes need to remember that we each need to choose what is right for us. I got a lot of flak when I decided to stay home. I got a lot of flak when I decided to go back. Only you and your DH can choose what is right for your family- everyone else will deal with it!


:yeahthat: only your and DH can decide what is right. This issue is emotionally charged for people, and many people are vocal with their opinions. With this and other issues, I often feel that the more vocal someone is, the more unsure they might be about their own choices and they need others to make the same choice to validate what they did. Only your and DH's opinion really counts.

[jayali]

BTDT - when DS was 3. I got an offer to go back to work for my old boss at my old company. We had to move - (from the Jersey Shore to Hoboken) so that also weighed on our decision. I have been working for 3 years and I can't say that I don't second guess my decision. Work is way more demanding then I expected and as DS gets older the things that I feel I am missing out on seem more important (class mom type of things, taking him ot his music lessons, swimming lessons, soccer practices). In my case it may be the "grass is always greener" syndrome. I will say that having done this 180 has helped me realize that no one thing defines who I am. It is the collection of things that I am involved in that does that. When I was a SAHM I felt like I was missing out on my identity, but then when I went back to work, at the company I worked at for 20+ years, I realized that pushing paper didn't define who I was. It is hard to explain, but returning to a job that I was so closely identified with made me realize I didn't want to be identified that way - so I just wanted to caution you there.
Having me work doubled our income (DH works part time and does full time child care). Having the extra money has enabled us to have an easier life, which has eased the stress and made living a little bit easier from that respect. HOWEVER, having both of us working has added so much more stress - all of the things that I could get done while being home now are either my husband's responsibility (because of our arrangement) or fall on me during the weekend. I never realized how much time laundry takes for three people when you are working full time and trying to spend quality time with DS.
I am not sorry that I went back to work, but it didn't turn out to be the experience that I thought it would be and we have adapted.
I don't think you can make a wrong decision here - nothing is forever, and while you are making a commitment you have to know that if after giving it enough time it is not working out you have the option to change the situation.

[maestramommy]

:hug::hug:It's a tough decision, no doubt. Esp. since it's not so concrete as "we need the money." But the benefits thing, to me that's pretty huge. I think in the end it boils down to whether you feel strongly enough that the pros outweigh the possible cons. This is just me and I'm projecting, but one of the reasons I became and SAHM (and still am) is because my job was pretty demanding, physically as well as mentally. I was afraid that by the end of the day, I wouldn't have enough energy for my kid after picking her up from daycare. Also, I had evening hours in addition to the workday scattered throughout the year, and it would be another logistical thing to work out with Dh. Coloring this is that I had an hour commute each way, so I just felt it would impact my quality of life too much, and not worth it. However, I recognize that not everyone has these circumstances, and sometimes it's best for everyone if Mommy works. If that is you, then you should go for it, esp. since you have the opportunity of less than full time hours.

[MoJo]

I was afraid that by the end of the day, I wouldn't have enough energy for my kid after picking her up from daycare.
:yeahthat:

I work part time outside the home, but I'm home most of the time. This is my biggest issue. I know for sure I don't have the energy to be a good mom at the end of the day. I have literally gotten sick every week when I tried to work full time, be a mom and a wife all at the same time. I know it works for many women, but not for me.

That being said, I LOVE my job, love the interaction, love feeling like I'm actually accomplishing something, AND I'm a better mom (more engaged/more ready to do toddler things) after a few hours at the office.

I know part time wouldn't give you benefits, and I don't know if that's an option, but it's working great for me.

Do you have a good daycare solution? Because that's our other sticking point. I looked into increasing my hours, because we actually need the money. Both our ped and a good friend who's a NICU nurse said that if we put our normally very healthy DD in daycare, she'd end up sick. . . a lot. And since DH only gets three sick days/year and I don't get any, and since we have no other family closer than 3 hours away, that just wasn't going to work. I'd end up losing my job altogether. So now, I just work around DH's schedule; if he's not available to watch DD, then I don't work. Unfortunately, that means we don't see each other as much as we'd like, but it's what we're doing for now.

I hope you find a solution that works for you!

[jenfromnj]

:yeahthat:

Do you have a good daycare solution? Because that's our other sticking point. I looked into increasing my hours, because we actually need the money. Both our ped and a good friend who's a NICU nurse said that if we put our normally very healthy DD in daycare, she'd end up sick. . . a lot. And since DH only gets three sick days/year and I don't get any, and since we have no other family closer than 3 hours away, that just wasn't going to work. I'd end up losing my job altogether. So now, I just work around DH's schedule; if he's not available to watch DD, then I don't work. Unfortunately, that means we don't see each other as much as we'd like, but it's what we're doing for now.

I hope you find a solution that works for you!

That is fortunately one area where we'd be in good shape--my mom does not work and would be willing to watch DS, and we also have the chance to get in on a nanny share with our neighbor's fabulous nanny who DS loves (their children are all in school now and she'd be able to take several hours per day to lessen the demand on my mom). The nanny share thing might not be around forever, though, which is another reason I am considering trying this now.

I am trying to work through the issue of feeling as though I have enough left for my son at the end of the day. This is the main reason I'd never go back to my previous job, the one I am targeting is much lower pressure and flexible, which helps, I am just not sure how much.
Thanks for all the feedback! It helps to know that some of you have done this and survived.

[hillview]

I don't *have* to work eg we could financially make a go of it if I really wanted to stay home. Like you said, a lot of my sense of self is tied up in my profession. I did not SAH after 12 week mat leave. I did cry with my first for about 4 days (off and on) and I REALLY thought about staying at home with #2 as he will be our last. That said, I am very glad I work. I work from home / travel and so I do get to see the kids. I also have a less intensive job than I could have (have had in the past) which allows me to go to class plays, go to doc visits etc. I don't have regrets. I am a better mom because I am not on duty 24/7. I have a very good relationship with my children and DH. I do think my relationship with DH would suffer (resentment) if I was staying at home.

This is JUST my experience. I see some other moms who do stay at home full time and I am in awe of what great moms they are with all the duties they have to do and what great shape their houses are in and I have NO idea how they do it. They don't lose their patience etc etc.

/hillary

[Sandra]

A 30-35 hour a week job in your field with benefits and a 5-10 minute commute sounds very attractive. I know a lot of WOHMs who would do almost anything to land a job with terms like the ones you are describing. Your potential babysitting situation sounds pretty ideal too.

It sounds like you are getting pressure/bad feedback from family because you don't "need" to work, i.e. even if you don't work your kids will have food, clothes and shelter. I understand this argument really well as my family does not "need" my income, but I enjoy my job despite frequently feeling like I've been stretched way too thin. I also value having a fully funded retirement plan, 529's for the kids' college expenses and the ability to fund car repairs and other 'surprise expenses' none of which we'd be easily able to do if I did not have an income. Benefits coming with your job are also important, very important.

If I were in your shoes and I decided to take the job offer, I'd seriously consider contracting out some of the more exhausting aspects of home care (lawn work and heavy cleaning) or making other choices that reduce the impact of those types of heavy chores. That could help a lot to reduce the stretched-too-thin/exhausted all the time feeling. We chose to live in a townhouse development rather than a single family home so that we would not have to deal with lawn maintenance, and we value that decision every Saturday morning when we do not have to go out and mow the lawn or rake leaves.

Good luck with the decision. Remember as many previous posters have said, it is your decision to make not your friends or relatives, and you need to decide what is best for you, your immediate family and your future.

Sandra

[jenfromnj]

A 30-35 hour a week job in your field with benefits and a 5-10 minute commute sounds very attractive. I know a lot of WOHMs who would do almost anything to land a job with terms like the ones you are describing. Your potential babysitting situation sounds pretty ideal too.

If I were in your shoes and I decided to take the job offer, I'd seriously consider contracting out some of the more exhausting aspects of home care (lawn work and heavy cleaning) or making other choices that reduce the impact of those types of heavy chores. That could help a lot to reduce the stretched-too-thin/exhausted all the time feeling. We chose to live in a townhouse development rather than a single family home so that we would not have to deal with lawn maintenance, and we value that decision every Saturday morning when we do not have to go out and mow the lawn or rake leaves.

Good luck with the decision. Remember as many previous posters have said, it is your decision to make not your friends or relatives, and you need to decide what is best for you, your immediate family and your future.

Sandra

This is why it's so challenging--I feel that this is as close to an "ideal" WOH situation as I'm likely to find (working very p/t and working from home are very rare in my field, unfortunately) IF I am ready to give it a try.

I completely agree that I should not be influenced by anyone's opinion, but I think the issue is really that hearing those comments are bringing some of MY doubts and uncertainties to light. I am just trying to weigh the benefit of having that additional cash flow (from salary and benefits) and having a chance to do something I *might* find rewarding, vs the time away from DS and the chaos I fear it will cause. This is why your very good suggestion of contracting out lawn care, housecleaning, etc is definitely the way we'd go.

Thanks--part of me feels like a spoiled brat for even complaining about this "dilemma", but I really want to do what's best for my family, whatever that is:banghead::banghead:

[khm]

I completely agree that I should not be influenced by anyone's opinion, but I think the issue is really that hearing those comments are bringing some of MY doubts and uncertainties to light.

You also need to flip this coin and consider that by considering this position, you might be bringing to light THEIR doubts and uncertainties. :) They might not be as certain about their choices as you imagine. No one is.

No matter your situation, it is a balancing act and it is natural to see people making other choices as a statement against your choice - when it is not that at all. They made their choice for a host of reasons, you need to do the same.

It sounds like a good PT gig for you - "close to ideal". It doesn't have to be forever, if it doesn't pan out in the end, at least you know you tried!

[mommylamb]

I think a 30-35 hour work week and a short commute sound about as perfect as perfect could be. But, you need to do what feels right for you.

FWIW, I work full time (just the regular 40 hrs) and I have a long commute, but DS is really doing well in daycare. I think he has a lot more stimulation and structure in his day than he would if I were a SAHM.

I would say, if you do it, do it soon before your DC goes through the real separation anxiety stage. DS started daycare at 6 months of age, and because he got used to his providers early on, he never had that problem. But, it would have been a lot harder on me if he was in tears when I left him in the morning. As it is now, he's always excited to go to "school" becuase he loves his teachers and loves his friends there.

ETA: I would also consider how flexible they will be with you when you need to go to doctor appointments, sick days, plain old vacations, etc.

[sste]

I have worked every variation of part-time, full-time etc because my job (in academics) allows me to basically self-schedule across a year. My personal ideal would be 30 hours a week comprised of two full days and then three half days with some or all of the three half days set up so you are coming in at noon or 1pm - - in other words you spend the morning with your DC which eliminates the low energy at the end of the day issue with the DC. It is all very individual but since I have tried every combination I found that for me I really get worn out from full days with DS - - in my case that is a 9-12 hour day with DS due to DH's work and it starts out great but by the end of the day I am in done in. I far prefer seeing him for part of the day every day.

[AnnieW625]

Dh tells me that I never could've survived being a full time stay at home mom and he is probably right. I have worked almost continuously (except for 4 mos. maternity, 6 weeks to deal with loss of a trisomy 18 baby, and three weeks for our wedding/honeymoon) since four days after I graduated from college. I have been with my employer since four months before I graduated from college (spent first 14 mos. as a student assistant). If I hadn't already had such a committment to my employer (state of California) including my pension, 401K/457, and gauranteed health benefits when I retire as long as I have 20 years of employment I would've most likely looked for part time work.

Now I would try the job and I agree that a max 35 hr. work week, benefits, and a short commute are very attractive and I think the only thing you could do is take the job and see how it goes.

Once we had DD, and I went back to work we got a house keeper who comes two or three times a month to do the hard cleaning and we think it's money well spent. We also love that DD attends daycare and has made some great friends. At first I was a little nervous about the whole daycare thing because I never went, but we have been super happy with it and it's been money well spent too.

Also with this economy it might be nice to have that cushion as a just in case something happens with your DH's job.

[L'sMommy]

I'm sort of in a similar situation and from the day DS was born (he's 10 mos now), I have struggled with what to do. I don't have to work as we can lifve on DH's income. My company has fairly generous maternity benefits in terms of time off (although they are not paid), and when DS was 5 months I went back to work 3 days/week. I am continuing this until the end of this year and will have to go back to 5 days/week in Jan. Basically I was using 2days/week of maternity leave, which is how I managed this schedule. I am dreading going back 5 days and am contemplating resigning. Everyone that I talk to (my mom included) has told me now is not a good time to let go of a job. I've worked since I was 16 and my career defines me. I still struggle with what to do. DH travels a lot so it is just me that takes care of DS. We have a nanny which makes it much easier and I have a cleaning lady. Still, I hate the thought of spending just 1 hr/day with DS during the week. I have loved working 3 days a week and wish I could keep that schedule! I love having a break from DS and love the adult interaction that I get at work.

I know this doesn't help you, but like PP said, you have to make a decision that is best for you and your family. Try not to let others influence you.

[codex57]

I'd totally do it. Sometimes, being away from your kids makes you appreciate them mroe cuz you're able to take a step back away from all the daily craziness.

You're not gonna be gone all the time so I don't think your child will suffer that much detriment from you working, even at such a young age. The key is that it sounds like you have trustworthy caregivers.

I believe you're in the same field as me. Honestly, my opinion is that I think it's good for a kid to grow up seeing their parents work. It's a lifestyle choice, but I want to impart the drive and ambition that led us to our careers into my kids as well. If they decide it's not for them, that's their decision, but I felt it helped my attitude seeing how hard my parents had to work. My dad worked a little too much IMO, but 30-35 hours a week is totally not that much IMO. With those kinds of hours, I still think you can be a proper parent.

[mominmarch]

I hate the passive/aggressive guilt trip. I went back to work as a partner in a lawfirm when my DD was 3 months old. A lot of mothers in my town stay at home and can afford to, and without exception, all the guys that I work with who have several children, all of their wives stay home. So I felt like I was getting "stay home, she's only young once" from almost every angle.

And like others have said, the first few weeks back were very hard for me. And while our first nanny was great for an infant, we ultimately decided we wanted a different kind of nanny so months 6-8 were very tough struggling with that decision. Once we got the right nanny though, she started working for us when my DD was 9 months old, I have had no regrets.

I know that one day I will stay at home, or at least, I plan to. But what my child needs now, she can get very well from others (a very crafty, young, energetic nanny, and a wonderful preschool setting). I am an older mother... and even when I am home with her several days at a time, I find myself not having much in common with the younger mothers we live close to, baffled with the art projects, battling with food and naps, etc. This way she gets the "right" person to do that during the day, and then DD gets me from 6-9 at night, and 6-9 in the morning, full of energy and love for my child. My own mother, who stayed home with 4 children, never had that for us, she was constantly overwhelmed and missing her former life, and the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Given the choice, I know that I would be better to stay home when my daugher was dealing with social issues (boys, fitting in, etc.) and harder homework, which I think will happen in late elementary school. So ideally, I would like to make sure that I was home after school for then. It will mean a career change, but by then we should have saved enough to do it.

I didn't mean to make this all about me, but I did want to put out there that plenty of moms are BETTER MOMS because they work, and you just need to listen to your heart. And even with your friend's referral, nothing is permanent and you can always change your mind. We adore our childcare setting now, but if our nanny were to quit tomorrow, I might very well stay home because I know that a change to a less-perfect nanny would be hard on my DD at this age. So her needs will always come first inmy mind.