Does this make me self centered?

[mamica]

So, I'm worried that I might be perceived as self-centered sometimes. I realize that I often tend to refer back to myself/my kids in a conversation with someone. For example, if someone makes a comment about their child or something they're going through, I will then comment about a similar situation with me or my dc. I guess this is just my way of conversing at times (something I think I learned when I worked in a job years ago where I sometimes had to make conversation with people who didn't really talk much, so I would try to find something we could both relate to get them talking, and then I would talk about it from my perspective to fill in the lulls). Or, a facebook friend posted her dd's picture in front of a landmark, and my comment was that we have a pic like that of our dd posing the same way. Didn't say how cute her dd was, or anything about her.

Also, I have been dealing with a lot of personal issues lately, and I know that I have forced myself to focus of myself as a sort of defense mechanism, so I wonder if this habit in dealing with things has spread into the rest of my personality.

I don't want people to think I am rude! Do you think I need to be more consciously conscientious about what I say?

[goodnightmoon]

I read in a psychology textbook in college that there are mainly two types of conversationalists. One type listens to the speaker very carefully and quietly, letting the other person know that they are paying close attention. The other type wants to join in immediately and share their similar experiences to let the speaker know they are paying attention and feel the same way. The first type thinks the second is rude for interrupting and talking about themselves. The second type thinks the first is rude for just sitting there and not really reacting and agreeing.

Obviously, these are extreme generalizations and most people are somewhere in between. There are some days when I hear myself going on and on about my kids (or my neighborhood, my college, etc) and think "I need to stop talking now". I assume that if *I* am noticing how much I talk about myself, it is certainly being noticed by others and probably rubbing some the wrong way.

So, I don't think you're rude. :) But, yes, you may want to be conscious at times about it....

[elektra]

I think I am the exact same way. (See I am already talking about myself!) And I do think it might rub people the wrong way. And I personally am trying to work on that for myself because of it. I also think that many people don't think it's a big deal and don't see it as being self-centered.
I notice it here on the boards when I go off on tangents about my own situation (like now). My heart is in the right place and I mention my own stuff as a way to empathize with the poster, but then there are others who only offer advice with no talking about themselves at all. So I am trying to not go off on my own deal when it's really about the OP. I'm doing great at that, huh? ;)

[ha98ed14]

Or, a facebook friend posted her dd's picture in front of a landmark, and my comment was that we have a pic like that of our dd posing the same way. Didn't say how cute her dd was, or anything about her. ...

Do you think I need to be more consciously conscientious about what I say?

In normal conversation, I think it could work. It's pretty natural to agree with someone by sharing an example from your life. But if someone was really trying to lament or vent or confide in you and you kept turning the conversation to yourself/ your kids, then yeah, that would make me not want to talk to you.

The facebook think would have annoyed me. To me, it feels like one-ups-man-ship (sp?). You can't just admire. You have to assert that you have the same thing. That is how *I* would take it. Other people may be totally fine with it. That's the thing, not everyone is going to feel the same way. That's why some people click and others don't. Not everyone is as neurotic and hypersensitive as I am.

FWIW, I don't think I would think of someone like I described as selfish. The could actually be generous with their time/ money/ resources. I would just think they were self absorbed.

[kozachka]

I think it depends how much airtime you get vs. the other person. I tend to communicate in a similar way to yours, but it drives me batty when I call this one very close GF to vent and she completely takes over the conversation with her own vents and goes on and on and on. I've known her for over 15 years and love her dearly so I let her get away with it but if it were someone knew, it would not fly.

[wellyes]

I realize that I often tend to refer back to myself/my kids in a conversation with someone. For example, if someone makes a comment about their child or something they're going through, I will then comment about a similar situation with me or my dc.

I think that makes you NORMAL. I bet 80% of women I know are the same way. I know I do it too. Sharing experiences = conversation. And, frankly, yeah I am sometimes at a loss among really tactiturn people who don't just "give back" in conversation.

But, yes, it is self-centered too. Because what we're doing is listening for cues to jump in with our own personal experience instead of listening with true empathy. I can't count the number of tv shows or movies or books I've read when a character meets a new romantic partner and says with awe something like "It's amazing to connect with someone who isn't waiting for their turn to talk".

I think your post is a good reminder for many of us to be more careful listeners, and maybe more gracious conversationalists too.

[infomama]

The only time that bothers me is when the other mom/dad tries to one-up me. For example if I mention how well Dd1 is doing in swim class they may say, 'oh, dc was swimming like a fish at that age. only needed one session of lessons and he/she was a pro.' OR how about the infamous conversation about babies and sleeping. When you are tired and your dc isn't having any of it and the other mom says, 'huh, dc slept 10 hours a night since we brought him/her home.' That *really* bugs me and those kinds of comments are rude.
I don't think by simply referring back to you kids you are being rude. That being said sometimes it's nice to just listen and be mindful of a persons conversation without interjecting your own personal experiences.

[egoldber]

That being said sometimes it's nice to just listen and be active in that persons conversation without interjecting your own personal experiences.

I was sooooo guilty of this. I now try to be much more conscious of it!

I don't know that it's rude per se as a general rule, but if you find that you always dominate and/or take over the conversation, then yes it can be rude.

[Melaine]

I don't think it means you are self-centered, but I understand that those kind of comments could come across as self-centered. I don't think that kind of comment would bother me unless it was constant.

[KrisM]

I don't think being self-centered is bad, so long as you're not always comparing things. I think the Facebook comment would have bugged me, if that was a typical comment. If you mostly write things about how cute the kids are and just this once pointed out that you have the same photo, it would be fine.

I have a friend who does this in a way that makes me feel like every experience I have had she has had either much better or worse, depending on what I said. I dislike talking to her because I end up feeling like I have to keep bragging about my kids to see if I can find something that my kids do better, for example.

I don't necessarily think that's whay you're doing though.
Being on the receiving end, I find it tiring to have a conversation with her.

[TwinFoxes]

The facebook think would have annoyed me. To me, it feels like one-ups-man-ship (sp?). You can't just admire. You have to assert that you have the same thing. That is how *I* would take it. Other people may be totally fine with it.


I agree with this. It would have been less likely to come across badly if you had said "Little Gertie gets cuter every day! You know I think we have a similar picture of DD...great minds think alike." Just saying you had one too made it seem like a contest, and that is something that bugs the heck out of me.

The sharing your own experience thing isn't as bad. Just make sure you let your conversation partner actually FINISH their story before jumping in with your own, which spins off into another story about yourself. :)

[DietCokeLover]

Like some other pps have stated, I would not have appreciated the Facebook comment. I wouldn't have been angry or anything like that, but I think my thought would have been, "well then, post your own picture. this is my space." :)

In regards to your adding comments in conversations about yourself/ children/ etc, I think it depends on the amount of the conversation that gets redirected to you. And, I am not sure it means you are self-centered. Some of that is normal and is how a conversation keeps going at times. However, there are times to be a talker and there are times to be a listener. If you are always doing the talking, then you are missing out on an important part of conversing - which is listening. I truly believe it takes more skill and art to be a gracious listener than it does to be a talker.

[mamica]

However, there are times to be a talker and there are times to be a listener. If you are always doing the talking, then you are missing out on an important part of conversing - which is listening. I truly believe it takes more skill and art to be a gracious listener than it does to be a talker.

Totally agree with this...and, at least in the past, I have always considered myself to be a good listener. I guess that's why it bothers me more that I seem to have changed, at least some of the time.

[kristenk]

Are you a SAHM? I think that I've been doing something similar conversation-wise and it started when I left my job right before DH and I got married. My best friend had moved from the area the year before so I didn't have any friends - other than work friends - in the area. It was like I was starved for conversation with someone other than DH. I'd search for a common ground with people I was speaking to and then try to jump in when I could relate! lol

It definitely got more noticeable when DD was born b/c I had a common topic with new moms, future moms and more-experienced moms.

I'm happy to say that it's easier/better now. I've made more friends in my area so I'm not constantly "searching for common ground" with people. I also have other things going on in my life outside of DH and DD.

Just thought I'd throw my experience out there to see if it resonates with you at all.

Oh, and, depending on the friend, I don't think I would have minded the facebook comment unless I felt you were trying to constantly one-up me or something. In that case, of course, you wouldn't be my friend on facebook :wink2:, so I think you might be safe!

[StantonHyde]

I do this and I have to watch myself. Sometimes it can be perceived as "I know what you mean, I connect with you" and other times it is perceived as "I just need to talk about myself". I am getting better at listening as I get older and I know I have friends where we just trade stories of our days and it feels supportive etc. And then I have friends where I really need to listen and comment on their experience and not bring up mine necessarily. It is a case by case thing. I know I need to work on listening more and talking less--a life long goal!!! (on the flip side, I have made a living as a trainer/educator so speaking up and talking is also a strength for me. I just have to remind myself when to use it and when to keep quiet!)

[niccig]

I do the same thing. I'm trying to say I empathize and I know how difficult that situations is, as I've had something similar. But you have to be careful, as it can come across as "oh, I've had that" and not let the other person vent. I'm trying to make sure the other person has finished, keep my story about something similar brief, and then redirect it back to them with a further question about their situation etc. I'm trying, but I have had moments when I've realised I need to just shut up..

[Piglet]

I read in a psychology textbook in college that there are mainly two types of conversationalists. One type listens to the speaker very carefully and quietly, letting the other person know that they are paying close attention. The other type wants to join in immediately and share their similar experiences to let the speaker know they are paying attention and feel the same way. The first type thinks the second is rude for interrupting and talking about themselves. The second type thinks the first is rude for just sitting there and not really reacting and agreeing.


Oooh, that makes sense. DH is the conversation suck and I am the one spewing, LOL. I am conscious of it, but obviously the people I am close with like my chatty-ness (or at least I assume they do) or they woudn't be close to me, ykwim? I am seriously uncomfortable with silence in a converstaion so I try to fill it whenever possible. I realize that might rub some people the wrong way (DH for example likes silence and doesn't find it awkward at all). The thing for me is that if I removed my experiences from a conversation it wouldn't be a conversation. If a friend is talking abot an experience and I just listen then it isn't a conversation, it is more of a therapy session!? If I am responding it is often an "oh yeah, that happened to me and this was the outcome" response. I hate the one-up-manship though, but sometimes it makes sense like when complaining that I had a rough day, DH can start in on a funny, "if you think you had it bad, wait till you hear my day".

[inmypjs]

I think the fact that you are thinking about this and asking for feedback says that you aren't that self centered - clearly you are considering how you impact other people! I try to strive for a balance in conversations between what one poster described - validating and empathetic comments vs. sharing my own stuff comments. I do know a couple of people that when I converse with them, I tend to talk more about myself and my experiences. I've come to realize that these are relationships that I have some sort of negative feelings about at times, and I think I act like this to try to "belong" more or prove that I am good enough. Now that I am aware of it I am trying to work on it!