I feel sad, guilty and irritated all at the same time.

[ha98ed14]

Today was a bad mommy day. I have class MTuTh, so DD goes to daycare at least on those days; sometimes more if I need to work on stuff. So today she was home with me for the first time in a week. She drove me nuts for the better part of the day. She continually asks over and over and over, "What are you doing?" It's like broken record. There's like a 2 second pause in between the asking. At first I answered her every time. That lasted about 15 mins. Then I would answer once and ignore the subsequent requests until I changed activities and had a new answer. Then I started saying, "I'm done answering that question. Do you want to talk about something else?" It didn't make a difference.

When she wasn't asking, "What are you doing?" over and over, she was telling me what she wanted. "I want juice; I want juice; I want juice..." Now I am not an unresponsive parent. When my kid asks for food or a clean diaper, I don't make her wait. I get up and meet the need. So today, she tells me she wants X, and I move to get it and she keeps repeating the request over and over and over...

I am making her a sandwich, and she is sitting in her booster saying it over and over, "I want sandwich... I want sandwich... I want sandwich..." She can see me making it. There I am with a knife and the peanut butter and bread. It's obvious what I am doing. I said, "I'm getting it for you." She parrots back, "Getting it for me." And then goes back to announcing her request. I snapped at her, "Stop! Stop asking! I know you want it. I am making it. Now you need to stop asking." It worked for a few minutes, but eventually it started again. This time she wanted milk. :dizzy: and :32:!!!

I think this is a terrible new learned behavior that we should ignore if for no other reason that it makes me want to lock DD in her room or lock myself in and her out. DH thinks its a natural curiosity we should nurture. Of course one thing I did not see but that DH did is that whatever it is, its a bid for attention. I didn't even see it. Her behavior put me off so much that I had no real positive interaction with her other than meeting her basic needs. And even that was strained. I feel really guilty. My DD already prefers daddy to me. :( But at the same time, Its REALLY ANNOYING!!!

So settle the dispute (if you've read this far). Do we ignore or do we answer the incessant questions? And what to do about the repeating the request thing? My SIL's kids do this, and I cannot. stand. it. I think it is one of the many ways they treat parents/ grandparents/ adults with disrespect. Altho they are 5 and 9, so DH says it's different. What di you think?

[AnnieW625]

You know we all have days like that. I work full time and DD has been in daycare since she was 4/1/2 mos. old full time so I am used to it, but I know on days where I have kept her home from daycare because she is on the cusp of having a fever but by noon is normal again it drives me batty because she is always more active than she is on the weekends, and she is a pretty active girl. She wants way more attention when it just me and her vs. me, her, and daddy. My DD started preferring daddy at about 2 also, but now she has Daddy days and Mommy days and unfortunately she has also figured out that if Mommy or Daddy doesn't let her do something she goes right to the other parent. That's the part I don't like. Good luck.

For the questions thing I tell Elisa that I am busy and she needs to only ask one question at a time. Sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. I do my best to keep my cool, but sometimes it's really hard.

[brgnmom]

:hug: I've experienced many days of repetitive requests from my 3-year-old and the requests usually have had a whining ring to them. I noticed that when I specifically stated, "Mommy's ears can't hear your whining" or "One request at a time" and I ignored his whining requests, then he knew that his repetitive requests were ineffective and he eventually stopped. it takes a lot of filtering out and patience, which I'm still learning.

[elektra]

Do we ignore or do we answer the incessant questions? And what to do about the repeating the request thing? My SIL's kids do this, and I cannot. stand. it. I think it is one of the many ways they treat parents/ grandparents/ adults with disrespect. Altho they are 5 and 9, so DH says it's different. What di you think?

DD: Where did Daddy go?
Me: He went to the store.
DD: Where did Daddy go?
Me: I just told you, he went to the store, remember?
DD: Where did Daddy go?
Me: Where do you think he went?
DD: To the store!

When DD asks the same question over and over, I start to answer her and then after about the 3rd time I eventually ask her to figure it out herself. It usually works on her. I ask her what she thinks because I know she knows the answer. It's not asked in a mean or sarcastic way, just an inquisitive, "what do you think?"
And then if it doesn't work I just tell her she knows the answer and I start to tease her about it.
Whining is the thing that totally drives me crazy with her and I have no solution for that. I just tell her that I don't speak "whine" and try my best to ignore it.

[DeeEast]

DD: Where did Daddy go?
Me: He went to the store.
DD: Where did Daddy go?
Me: I just told you, he went to the store, remember?
DD: Where did Daddy go?
Me: Where do you think he went?
DD: To the store!



From one of my 4 year olds: "Where are we going?" To the store.
"Where are we going?" To the store.
"Where ARE we going?" (so what? I am a liar?) "To the store."
"Where are we going? This is not the way Daddy goes." "Trust me. I know how to drive."
"Where are we doing TO BE when we get there?" "The store."
"Where are we going now?" Me: "I've already answered that question. Please listen to the music."

Uh-huh. Been there. Doing that right now.

[kozachka]

So glad to hear my DS is not the only one to ask the same thing over and over again. I do some of the same things as pp - tell DS that I am not going to answer the question since he knows the answer, ask him the same question etc. I strongly suspect that all you DD wants is attention. Is there any way you can set aside 10-15 mins to give her your undivided attention in exchange for her stopping whining?

[ThreeofUs]

I agree - it can be SO annoying, but it's just a normal childhood behavior. Do playful parenting things with her - giggle when she asks, ask the question back to her in playful tones, even ask it under her ear as you kiss her - and the questions will stop. They did when I started doing this with my DS, at least, so I hope they would for you!

(Don't let her get under your skin! Giving the question or problem back to her, but in a way that says you love her, can really help her and you.)

[maestramommy]

I have no answer for you, as Dora started doing this early this year, and it drives me nuts. I even threatened her with a timeout if she didn't stop asking (how stupid can you get, but I was desperate), but it only stopped her for a couple minutes. I have NO IDEA why they keep asking when they can see you are fulfilling their request. Arwyn has just started doing it.

Funny thing though. If I'm nursing Laurel, and I say, "okay but you have to wait a minute because I'm feeding Laurel," she doesn't ask again! At least for several minutes.

[egoldber]

Do playful parenting things with her

I find this sooo helpful for defusing my own anger too. My standby for this is the Dora song.

"Where are we going? To the grocery store! Where are we going?....."

Very normal. And they have an amazing radar for knowing when you NEED to get something else done.

[doberbrat]

DD: Where did Daddy go?
Me: He went to the store.
DD: Where did Daddy go?
Me: I just told you, he went to the store, remember?
DD: Where did Daddy go?
Me: Where do you think he went?
DD: To the store!

When DD asks the same question over and over, I start to answer her and then after about the 3rd time I eventually ask her to figure it out herself. It usually works on her.

I usually do this too.

but in the sandwich example, I can see me loosing my cool after a while and saying if you ask me one more time, you're not going to get XYZ. not so much w/food but it happens too with things like I want a new CD can I have my music etc. so she knows there's precedent.

and when she asks me to do something else when I'm already engaged - like I'm making her lunch and she wants milk or a new cd etc, I ask her - do you want me to Stop what I'm doing and wait to eat so I can do X?

but she just turned 4 so there's a little more reasoning on her part

[egoldber]

Oops, I now see your question at the end.

Honestly, I do not think it is disrespectful (even at 5 and 9). As your DH pointed out, it is an attention seeking behavior. For whatever reason, your DD has some unmet need. Even if that need does not seem that important to you, it is obviously important to her.

It wasn't clear to me if she was doing this while you were trying to study or if it was other times. If it's during study time, that is hard, and maybe using a timer will help her? "Mommy has to study until the bell rings and then I will do X, Y or Z." If it isn't and you're just finding the behaviro annoying (and I have soooo been there!) then I think that re-direction and playful parenting are the way to go.

I know that when you are busy, it can be hard to find that time to just sit down and devote to whatever thing they want to do, but I think finding the time to meet that need is important. Of course, it IS important that they learn boundaries as well, but I don't think that a 2 year old seeking attention is a behavior that needs correction. She needs direction and guidance on how to handle that, but it is a longgggg process.

[maestramommy]

I find this sooo helpful for defusing my own anger too. My standby for this is the Dora song.

"Where are we going? To the grocery store! Where are we going?....."

Very normal. And they have an amazing radar for knowing when you NEED to get something else done.
:hysterical:I LOVE this! And my kids would totally get this too!:hysterical:

[pinkmomagain]

All I can say is I'm in the same boat as you with the repeated questions/requests. I don't know why my 4 yo does this...apparently I don't jump fast enough and I can't do three things simulatneously enough for her liking. This and she seems to easily ignore my repeated requests for her to do something...acts like she can't hear me at all. UGH!

[Melaine]

So interesting you bring this up. We have just been getting to this recently AND we have also had a little bit of conflict between DH and myself about how to respond. MOSTLY because DH doesn't GET IT. He is surprised when I am slightly sharp in my reply to DDs when they ask where Daddy's car is (in the shop). After all, why would I be annoyed by this, it has only been asked (and answered) twice by each child in the last 10 minutes?
HELLO, DH? I have been with them for 10 hours today and I have heard this question asked TWICE every 10 minutes all day long. Do you realize how many times that is? I don't either, because my brain has begun self-shutdown long ago in order to protect itself from the mindless repetition of communicating with 3 year olds who apparently always talk and never listen.
Ok, it is a little funny really, but it can really get old.

[hillview]

I usually answer a couple times then start saying "we're going to mars etc". It usually breaks up the cycle. And makes us both laugh.
/Hillary

[3isthelimit]

I usually answer a couple times then start saying "we're going to mars etc". It usually breaks up the cycle. And makes us both laugh.
/Hillary

ITA! I will answer the first couple of times and then try to mix it up. For instance, if dd2 (3y/o) says "mommy...mommy...mommy....mommy" After I have ALREADY acknowledged her, I start repeating her name......over and over and over again! It usually results in laughter and we can get through the next 30 minutes until we must go through it again. :shrug:

[vonfirmath]

I honestly think this is part of the age. Yes, as parents, we need to figure out how to handle it.

But my son, who has mastered puzzles, is currently doing the physical variation of this in puzzles. Deliberately putting the puzzles in the wrong spot, then looking at me to see what I am going to do. I know he knows where it goes because sometimes he puts it in the right place then TAKES IT OUT to put a wrong piece in!

[arivecchi]

Don't beat yourself up over this. We all have off days as parents and the repetitive questioning can get so annoying. Alas, DS1 has finally started asking "Are we there yet?" a thousand times when we are traveling to see family. Drives me batty. :banghead:

[nov04]

I agree - it can be SO annoying, but it's just a normal childhood behavior. Do playful parenting things with her - giggle when she asks, ask the question back to her in playful tones, even ask it under her ear as you kiss her - and the questions will stop. They did when I started doing this with my DS, at least, so I hope they would for you!

(Don't let her get under your skin! Giving the question or problem back to her, but in a way that says you love her, can really help her and you.)

Our SLP said something similar. This is how language is acquired. Still exhauts me some days though.

[sste]

Another vote for playful parenting - - I usually ask my DS the same question back in different silly tones of voice. And throw in a few tickles.

But, I completely hear you on meal time being a trigger - - that is when I have the least patience with DS because I am trying to get his food, scarfing down some inadequate thing for myself like crackers or bread, picking up the things he drops, and becoming increasingly irritated. And that is before the repetitive questions!

My DH is in a similar situation as you in terms of not being the "favored parent" at this particular developmental stage. We both found the Playful Parenting book by Cohen very helpful (long-winded, way too much verbiage but very helpful). In particular it has helped my DH reconnect during my DS's awful phase of yelling "dada bye-bye" and literally pushing daddy away when he comes home - - DH turned it into a game where he sobs, throws himself at DS's feet, slinks out of the room, peeks around the corner of the doorway, etc.

[StantonHyde]

I agree on the trying to get your attention and learning to use language and trying to have fun comments. BUT,,,, DD would do this with food and it drove. me. nuts. So, I would say to her----you just asked for juice, I am going to count to 10, you CANNOT ask for juice while I am counting. (and I was getting the juice) That seemed to break the cycle. That took about a week to sink in all the way and she stopped it.

[niccig]

DS did this too, and I was a SAHM. I do agree that it's for attention, and even though DS was with me, he still wanted my attention anytime I was doing something that wasn't involving him, like peeing on my own. I would say "I've already answered that question and I'm not answering it again" and then I would ask him something else. It did go away, he doesn't do it as much now.

If you feel you're having a bad day, can you try to go outside for a little while. I find going for a walk, to the local park etc can get us both out of a bad day funk. If I just try to tough it out at home, it continues to devolve into an awful day.

I know you're trying to study, and in my experience it's very difficult to do anything like that with little ones. They KNOW when you're trying to get something else down, and so they want you even more. Is there an indoor kids play area near you? I would take DS to a place and as he was old enough to not need my constant supervision, I could sit at a nearby table with a coffee and do some work that was easy to do with interruptions. He got to expend some energy and I got some work done.

The playful parenting also works well, when I remember to do it. Yesterday DS was melting down about his shoes, and I was tired and rushed and didn't handle it well. We were late for school. Today he was having a similar issue, but I slept well last night, so I started joking with him and he laughed and put his shoes on, and we got to school on time...

Just take it one day at a time...if yesterday was bad, aim for a better day today.