resources for me re yelling/more effective parenting

[JenaW]

The poll thread the other day got me thinking about how much I yell. Lately, I find myself losing more calm more often than not. My kids have not readjusted to daylight savings time, and are usually up by 5am EVERY day. So by dinner time, we are ALL overtired and grumpy. My 6yo DS and I are both headstrong. I get into arguments with him that should not happen. He loves to back talk and push my buttons, and I get sucked right in. I do not know how to ignore him, or get him to be more respectful, and we just start a back and forth that leaves both of us screaming at each other. Real mature on my part, I know. My son is like Jekyll and Hyde. One minute he is a loving, caring, sweet boy, and the next he is a screaming lunatic (of course, one could probably say the same thing about his mother!). He used to be so laid back and calm, and I am sure a lot of his stressed out behavior is a direct result of my own. Having 5 kids under the age of 6 is NOT easy, but I truly love all my children and want to be an effective parent. things HAVE been going very well lately. Moving here a few years ago resulted in a big pay raise for my husband, who finally finished residency/fellowship and got his first "real" job. We now have cleaners who come twice a month, and the two oldest are in school full time. We also have a few sitters who can help out when needed. But lately, hubby has been working late, I have cut WAY back on my gym time due to other commitments (which is MY stress release), and things are getting crazy again. My son does not take ownership of ANY of his behaviors, which is one of the things that drives me crazy the most. Everything is MY fault, from him leaving clothes on the floor, to him being mean to his sisters, to him yelling at me because he hates what I made for dinner. He has a long school day, bookended by 40+ min bus rides, so when he gets home, I try to give him some loving, and some down time. What he really wants when he gets home is "alone" time with me, which is rarely possible with 4 younger sisters. But on the advice of others here, I do try to give him as much as I can by including him in dinner prep, having him help me where he can. For the most part, he IS a good kid outside of the home, but its like he saves all his "bad" behaviors (I hate to call them "bad") for me. We did have a short-lived issue with him taking things from classmates last year, but that was the first time anything negative has ever occurred elsewhere. That resolved quickly, and the overwhelming consensus from all his teachers and other adults he has contact with is that he is a wonderful boy. I guess what I am looking for is some advice on how to teach him that I deserve AT LEAST the same respect that his teachers get, and how to avoid heated arguments with him. If I ask him to do something, I do not want a 5 minute discussion on why he should not have to do that, or why he is not responsible, or whatever. I want it done! Plain and simple. I don't want to engage in a back and forth discussion where we both end up frustrated and screaming. But I don't know where to start or what to do. Please help me figure this out. I have 4 more girls following in his footsteps, and I feel like I am rapidly losing what little control I have.

[kedss]

my almost 6 year old also saves the 'bad' behavior for me, most of the time I have to get him to go to his room, and if its after school after 6pm, he is usually asleep when I let him cool off. He also is not caught up on the time change, but we are always butting heads, time change or not. I have only one daughter, 17 months, and I think some of the 'grumpiness' is a bit of jealousy, but I try to do things after school that he likes to do, like let him take classes where I take him there and just let another adult teach him for a little while. He likes that I am able to do that for him. But he's still 5, and I'm the person he is around the most besides his teacher, and he knows there aren't real bad consequences at home if he doesn't act correctly, so he does it at home. He is really good around other adults, but around me, he can 'relax' LOL.

So basically, I'm hoping he outgrows this soon, and coping the best I can.

Hugs

[lubdubdeb]

I have a few thoughts to share. First, kids always save the worst for mom. It is honestly a compliment, because they trust us with it. They know that we will love them no matter what. It stinks for us, but there it is. Don't take it personally.

The second is that your son won't respect your boundaries until you set some. It is very difficult not to let them push our emotional buttons, but as long as he is able to do it he probably will. Don't allow him to cause you to loose your cool, separate him to his room if necessary.

Lastly, I think that it is reasonable for children to be able to respectfully question their parents instructions, but the bottom line is that you are the parent. We went through a phase at our house where everything I said brought on an argument. I told my DD that she had not shown she was willing to obey, and therefore had not earned the right to question me. I required for a time that she obey whatever I told her without discussing it at all. Once she got in the habit of obedience, I relaxed somewhat and now I am willing to consider an alternate suggestion she might make if it is done so without arguing or whining.

Don't know if this will help, I wish you the best.

[JenaW]

We went through a phase at our house where everything I said brought on an argument. I told my DD that she had not shown she was willing to obey, and therefore had not earned the right to question me. I required for a time that she obey whatever I told her without discussing it at all. Once she got in the habit of obedience, I relaxed somewhat and now I am willing to consider an alternate suggestion she might make if it is done so without arguing or whining.

Don't know if this will help, I wish you the best.

How did you enforce this? He questions or comments on EVERYTHING! For instance, in an attempt to head off the back-and-forth screaming, I calmly asked him to go to his room to change out of his school uniform, and while he was there, take a minute to calm down. I tried not to make it sound like a punishment, but simply some alone time for him while he was already in his room changing his clothes. Instead of quietly going upstairs, he asked why his sister did not have to change her uniform, he yelled (near the top of his lungs) that he did not need to calm down, that it was my fault he was grumpy because I was MAKING him grumpy, etc. I know need to figure out a way to quietly get him to his room, which was what I wanted in the first place. Instead, I responded (still not "yelling" but in a louder voice) that he was grumpy because he got up so early, which was NOT my fault, and that I was simply asking him to walk away and take a deep breath before things escalated. Again, he stood on the stairs and questioned me. This turned into the dreaded back and forth, which ended up in me now yelling that if he did not go to his room, I would TAKE him to his room and he would not come down at all! After we had both calmed down, I tried to point out to him that IF he had simply gone to his room in the first place, without questioning me and backtalking, none of the screaming would have happened and things would have been much calmer. Again, instead of admitting he needed the few minutes of quiet to collect himself, he again blamed me for making him upset and said none of this would have happened if I had just been nice to him. ARGH!

[g-mama]

Jera - I am going to listen in here and see what advice you get b/c I could have written the exact same things about my 6yo ds - word for word - that you have written about yours. Seriously! He used to be so sweet and so wonderful...and still is sometimes, but my gosh, the questioning of every. single. thing.

And yes, no matter the situation, it is all my fault. No ownership or responsibility, so exasperated at any and every request. It is exhausting. And the yelling, oh the yelling. His...and mine. The screaming matches are so ridiculous. I'm ashamed of myself for getting into it with him.

His teacher would fall over in shock if I told her what I deal with at home. At school, he is thought to just be a perfect angel, a student she wishes all students in her class could be like.

No advice here, just commiseration.

[trentsmom]

He used to be so sweet and so wonderful...and still is sometimes, but my gosh, the questioning of every. single. thing.

I thought it was just my DS1 doing all of this! I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

[m448]

Okay I'm totally giggling because this is like the third "my six year old" post I've seen this week and I too have a six year old so I'm just nodding my head. There's a wise woman on GCM that has advice for mom's of six year old (to survive it) and she breaks it down to 6 is 3 year old x 2 as in intensity. She has some other snippets of wisdom like how much gross motor (outside) time a six year old requires and that the mouthiness is definitely age expected behavior. Lots of scripting going on around here with my six year old, lots of taking deep breaths before I respond to him. It seems all I hear during the day is "not fair, not fair!"

[kedss]

I try sometimes to tell him to go to his room, and not have further discussion with him. When he comes out of his room, he usually apologizes and I try to let whatever it was drop. I don't bring it up again. I try not to explain why I'm sending him to his room, just tell him to get there.

I know its tough not to explain and keep talking to him, but if you don't respond to him, then maybe he will let it go sooner?

[KBecks]

I just want to give you a virtual hug! Alek (just turned 5) plays the blaming game too..... anything that happens, he tells me is my fault. The most dramatic one of late was when he tripped over his own feet and took a hard fall and told me that I should have caught him and prevented it. I think perhaps he thinks I am capable of and should do everything for him.

I want to get him to do more things for himself, but I think this is also a stage where kids need us, they might be aware that they are still very dependent on us and working out the balance of what they can control and can't control?

I also will admit that now that Alek is getting older I have tried more yelling, it doesn't seem to be working for me, but I never used to feel the need to yell and that is changing, I am feeling more like yelling much more often (whether I actually go there or not).

[hellokitty]

Joining in. My almost 6 yr old is like this too. His parent-teacher conference was a few wks ago. I told the teacher that DS1 tells me I am, "mean" for making him do homework, and even though I told him it was the teacher who wanted him to do homework, not me, he was still blaming it on me. The teacher was shocked. I guess my son is practically a teacher's pet at school, well behaved, eager to please (she's young and pretty, so he's probably got a little bit of a crush on her), one of her top students. She said she's only seen him get upset once where he stomped off and balled up a piece of paper and threw it into the trash can, lol. Anyway, I'm struggling with the yelling too. Actually, my 4 yr old is the one who is the worst. He has always been developmentally ahead, so maybe he is going through this early. EVERYTHING is a struggle, he is mean and blames EVERYTHING on DH and myself. He makes me feel like a bad parent, b/c everytime I turn around, he's done something he KNOWS he's not supposed to do. I'm so enjoying my 4 mo old right now, b/c he'll coo and smile at me and not get all pissy at me for no apparant reason.

[deborah_r]

His teacher would fall over in shock if I told her what I deal with at home. At school, he is thought to just be a perfect angel, a student she wishes all students in her class could be like.

No advice here, just commiseration.

This exactly. DS told me yesterday (and I belive him) that he is the best-behaved in his after-school program, therefore he got two candies instead of one as his end-of-the-week treat. This was on the way home. Within a half hour of being home, he was acting like a monster, being sassy and argumentative with both me and DH.

I sometimes wonder if the "trouble-makers" at school are little angels at home!

[lubdubdeb]

As far as getting the 6-yr-old to actually go to his room when you tell him to: First, just refuse to talk about it. Just don't hear him, regardless of what he says, unless he does something that is a safety issue. It is no fun to throw a party if nobody comes, so just don't go. You can also think of some type of discipline that will kick in for these times. I have done things at times such as having my DD pick out 3 bedtime stories at the beginning of the day, then each time she disobeyed she had to put one back. Whatever was left at the end of the day we read before bed. A friend did a similar thing with 4 cards each worth 15 minutes of TV/computer/video game time. This might be more effective with a 6 yr old boy. When you tell him to go to his room, each time he argues back instead of going he loses a card. This may not be the exact right thing for your child, they are all different, but you get the idea.

The other really important thing is talking to him after he has calmed down. He likely won't get it the first time, but it sounds as though he needs to hear about choices and self-control. You can even incorporate this into the the loss of privilege above, such as saying "You have chosen to lose 15 minutes on the ..." when you take away a card. It is so important, and so hard, to get to the hearts of our children, but if we can do it that is what makes the difference in the long run.

Hang in there!!!

[cairo06]

I'm so relieved to read this post and to hear I'm not the only one! I have a 5 1/2 year old DD and she sounds just like the OP's son. She recently blamed me when I took another way home and ended in a traffic jam. Hello, I don't need a 5 year old backseat driver! Her K-teacher gave me a puzzled look at the parent/teacher meeting last week when I asked if she behaved at school, she's apparently an angel there. Hope this passes before she gets to be a teenager.

[Tondi G]

Have you considered enrolling him in martial arts? My DS's biggest change in attitude came from joining Tae Kwon Do. Early on the learn or were encouraged by their instructors and masters that parents, teachers and elders should ALWAYS be respected. When he started getting an attitude a couple months in, we spoke with his head master and he took him into the office and they had a little chat about being disrespectful etc. He came out of there with a smile on his face and a different outlook. Martial arts provide both a team/group experience as well as an individual thing. They really develop a sense of pride in themselves and it spills over into the rest of their life. They are encouraged to excel not only in their TKD but also in school and at home (respecting parents, keeping their home/room clean, and being kind to siblings). I highly recommend it!

That said... I only have 2 kids and I sometimes find myself yelling more than I would like. It is hard. HUGS you are wonderful mama trying to do right by your kiddos. In the future if he questions why he needs to do something and his sister doesn't say "you need to worry about yourself not your sister, Please do what I asked of you." If he carries on say "there is no need for further discussion about it thank you very much and walk away... end it. If he continues to grumble just ignore it or tell him once he has done what you asked you are open for discussion until then there will be no dialog. PERIOD

My DS is a little older and recently he has been getting a tone with me that I am not liking. When I call him on it he is usually apologetic. If he does something I don't like I put my hands on his shoulders and look right into his eyes. I ask him to please stop what he is doing and that I really don't want to have to talk to him again about it.... he usually gets the point and stops his behavior. It gets better. You are at a rough age.... they spend so much time in school keeping it together... lots of kids turn into little monsters by the time they get home. Good Luck and hang in there!

~Tondi