Updated: WWYD: MIL has refused to leave?

[moonsky]

She has stayed with us more than a month. Originally, we thought she would be helpful. She has been useless and mainly here for sightseeing. She has caused me a lot of stress and I am in my first trimester. We(Dh and I)have asked her to leave. She refused as she made plan to meet up with someone in the City two weeks from now. WWYD?

Updated: No matter what we did, she still refused to leave. We called FIL and he didn't help much because again she lied. We offered to book a hotel. She refused to leave. I am very upset. She obviously doesn't care about my health. What else can we do? We live in an apartment. So, we can't change the lock. No, she is not from other countries. She was born and raised in Missisippi.

[blisstwins]

I am sorry, this must be awful. There is not enough context here, however. Short of abuse, asking a parent to leave is a way to burn bridges and create alienation. How did you think she would help? What is she doing that is driving you crazy? Is there any way to work on it? If she has plans to meet someon ein two weeks having to cancel because her kids threw her out is humiliating and I am sure she will resist. I would try to offer alternatives and get through this. Is there any natural end in sight? I am really sorry for your frustrations.

[moonsky]

I am sorry, this must be awful. There is not enough context here, however. Short of abuse, asking a parent to leave is a way to burn bridges and create alienation. How did you think she would help? What is she doing that is driving you crazy? Is there any way to work on it? If she has plans to meet someon ein two weeks having to cancel because her kids threw her out is humiliating and I am sure she will resist. I would try to offer alternatives and get through this. Is there any natural end in sight? I am really sorry for your frustrations.

She is always out and complaint to Dh if I asked her to watch the kids or for any small helps. She came home late at 1am and woke up my baby. She kept telling Dh to divorce me when I was upset at him one day. He didn't tell me that he volunteered to work on last Sat and I made plans for our family to be out.

Today, I asked for the house key back as I would like to take DC#1 to school. She refused to give it back to me and ran away when I tried to get it. I needed to call my friend to take my kid to school instead. DC has the first school picture taking today and I missed it. MIL called the police when I left her stuff at the door(I told her if she didn't give me the key back, some of her belongings would be out). The police came, felt empathy for me and gave me the key back.

She is back in the house again and we have been asking her to leave. She screamed at DC#1 when accidentally ran to her and kept saying bad words(Sxxx, What wrong with you?.....) Also, she called my kid stupid.

She has had problems with all of her in-laws. Her son-in-laws basically fired her from the nanny job. SIL called the police when she tried to see her kid. I should have seen warning signs.

[MMMommy]

I can't imagine she won't leave after being asked to leave. That just seems strange. Who would want to stay at a place when they have been asked to leave? Is it a financial issue for her? Does she need a place to stay until she meets up with her friend? Can she stay at a nearby hotel/motel? Does she have any other friends/relatives in the area?

[doberbrat]

what does your dh say? its his mom after all.

if both of you are in agreement, then a simple call to the police should be all you need to do to evict her.

and I'd change your locks if she had a keyu for any amt fo time - its easy to get them copied.

[BarbieSmith]

Here is what I see from the little bit I know: make sure it is your hubby that asks her to leave (or any other uncomfortable communications). It is his mother, and if you do any of it, *you* will be the bad guy, and MIL may use it to try to split you and your husband. Your husband sounds like he is backing you up, great. If he wasn't then you would have had a hubby problem too :) Now it is just his job to talk to her...

[mommy111]

Wow!!!!
Does she have a home to go back to? Why is she at your house, did she come for a visit or did you invite her to stay with you and/or to nanny the kids?

[wolverine2]

Ugh, I'm so sorry. Definitely sounds like DH has to be the heavy here and get her to leave. She does have a place to live, right?

[hellokitty]

Your DH needs to deal with his mother, not you. Tell him that she is not helping at all and just causing you to get stressed out. Buy her a plane ticket if you have to, to get rid of her.

[moonsky]

I can't imagine she won't leave after being asked to leave. That just seems strange. Who would want to stay at a place when they have been asked to leave? Is it a financial issue for her? Does she need a place to stay until she meets up with her friend? Can she stay at a nearby hotel/motel? Does she have any other friends/relatives in the area?

I found it was strange too. She was complaining a lot. So, Dh and I have been asking her to leave two weeks ago. She refused and always walked away when we started this converstation. She has a relative live in long island which is only half an hour from here but she didn't want to call her aunt. I don't think they got along well either. We paid for her roundtrip airplane ticket and was planning to change to earlier flight but she again refused. She has also asked us for reimbursement for cab fee and others when she went out sightseeing.

[moonsky]

what does your dh say? its his mom after all.

if both of you are in agreement, then a simple call to the police should be all you need to do to evict her.

and I'd change your locks if she had a keyu for any amt fo time - its easy to get them copied.

Dh has been asked her to leave too but she refused. She said that she wouldn't get on the airplane and told us that there were nothing we could do to make her leave earlier than her plan.

[moonsky]

Here is what I see from the little bit I know: make sure it is your hubby that asks her to leave (or any other uncomfortable communications). It is his mother, and if you do any of it, *you* will be the bad guy, and MIL may use it to try to split you and your husband. Your husband sounds like he is backing you up, great. If he wasn't then you would have had a hubby problem too :) Now it is just his job to talk to her...

Dh has been on my side but his mom has insisted on staying even she is not welcomed here. I don't really understand her.

[brittone2]

Any chance there are some mental health issues...dementia or something else? Did she always have these ummm...unique personality traits or has there been a change in recent years?

The running away with the key, etc. seems like it could almost be some sort of mental health thing, you know? Something seems more "off" than normal from what you describe. I don't have a fantastic relationship with my ILs but what you are describing seems to go far beyond typical MIL/DIL tension and issues.

[moonsky]

Wow!!!!
Does she have a home to go back to? Why is she at your house, did she come for a visit or did you invite her to stay with you and/or to nanny the kids?

Yes, she does. FIL doesn't like that she is here with us and not with him. She kept telling him on the phone that we needed her here and she had worked very hard in helping us. I don't want to interfere with their marriage but I think the things she said were not true. She is a SAHW and I knew that she needed to do housework when she was at home. Here she does nothing and go out having funs and being home late.

We paid for her roundtrip airplane ticket for her to help me out with the kids as my Dh has been working 16 hrs/day.

[deannanb]

Change the locks on the doors while she is out.

Put a note from the inside - facing the outside - on many windows which reads -
"(MIL) does not live in this house. She does not have a key to this property or permission to be inside alone."
-- if she hires a locksmith to let her in they will see this and question it.

[maestramommy]

Any chance there are some mental health issues...dementia or something else? Did she always have these ummm...unique personality traits or has there been a change in recent years?

The running away with the key, etc. seems like it could almost be some sort of mental health thing, you know? Something seems more "off" than normal from what you describe. I don't have a fantastic relationship with my ILs but what you are describing seems to go far beyond typical MIL/DIL tension and issues.

Yeah, that. At first I thought it was just an ornery Mil, but your second post made my eyebrows shoot up. It's almost creepy, like something is really off, y'know?

[doberbrat]

if there are no mental health issues, and dh is as committed to being rid of her as you are than I'd start by having dh calling her husband and telling her its time she went home.

give it a few days then have dh call the police and have her removed for trespassing and change the locks. its a drastic step of course and I'm sure the relationship will never be the same but if you're really at that point, there's really nothing else to do.

I wish you well. *hug*

[srhs]

Yes, she does. FIL doesn't like that she is here with us and not with him. She kept telling him on the phone that we needed her here and she had worked very hard in helping us. I don't want to interfere with their marriage but I think the things she said were not true. She is a SAHW and I knew that she needed to do housework when she was at home. Here she does nothing and go out having funs and being home late.

We paid for her roundtrip airplane ticket for her to help me out with the kids as my Dh has been working 16 hrs/day.
I'd get FIL involved then.

[moonsky]

Any chance there are some mental health issues...dementia or something else? Did she always have these ummm...unique personality traits or has there been a change in recent years?

The running away with the key, etc. seems like it could almost be some sort of mental health thing, you know? Something seems more "off" than normal from what you describe. I don't have a fantastic relationship with my ILs but what you are describing seems to go far beyond typical MIL/DIL tension and issues.

I heard that she grabbed and squeezed her son-in-law's butt when he was saying mean thing to her. I am not sure whether she has any mental problems but kept calling DC names is definitely something I wouldn't imagine normal educated person would do.

She was also very upset when I asked her to use her own cell phone because I was waiting for some calls. She went and locked herself in the bathroom. So, I won't be able to use mine.

She also called me an atheist because I didn't respect her. I do believe in God and I think she is very mean to say that. It is very difficult to respect her when she has not been nice and trying to break up my family and lie to pp including her own husband.

[MMEand1]

Yep, time to change the locks the next time she goes out sightseeing. Do you have a home alarm that you can also activate so that if she tires to break in, it will trigger an alarm? Sorry, but there's one thing that I absolutely will NOT tolerate and that is calling my children names and disrespecting them. For me, it would be a done deal - you're out of MY house. Someone needs to lay the law down over there!!

[hellokitty]

I heard that she grabbed and squeezed her son-in-law's butt when he was saying mean thing to her. I am not sure whether she has any mental problems but kept calling DC names is definitely something I wouldn't imagine normal educated person would do.

She was also very upset when I asked her to use her own cell phone because I was waiting for some calls. She went and locked herself in the bathroom. So, I won't be able to use mine.

She also called me an atheist because I didn't respect her. I do believe in God and I think she is very mean to say that. It is very difficult to respect her when she has not been nice and trying to break up my family and lie to pp including her own husband.

Lol, calling someone atheist is supposed to be an insult??? Your mil sounds like she needs to be committed to a mental institution. I'm sorry you have to deal with her, she sounds crazy. Is she from a different country?

[deborah_r]

I think your DH should tell FIL immediately of this crazy behavior - being mean to the kids, not helping, lying, refusing to leave. I can't imagine why you would not have told him yet.

If he won't help, yes, change locks and call police. Doesn't sound like there is much relationship to salvage here.

[ThreeofUs]

I don't know what cultural background your MIL comes from, but perhaps it would be helpful to find someone (reasonable), her age and from the same background, to talk to her.

If you are near a major city, there are generally cultural-specific assistance agencies listed in your yellow pages.

Hope you get through this soon!

[BarbieSmith]

I am not sure I would call the police or change the locks (yet). I mean, she is *family*... And if she is not mentally unstable, then something else is going wrong with the situation, that we don't know about. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense, YKWIM?

Talk to hubby, and have him sit down with her. He CAN get her to leave. Assuming she is mentally okay.

[Sillygirl]

I would see if she could take a quick trip via police car to the local mental health emergency room. I also get the sense from your posts that you or she may be from another culture, so perhaps expectations as to filial obedience are different, but in American culture, her actions go beyond quirky and into pathologic.

[moonsky]

I am not sure I would call the police or change the locks (yet). I mean, she is *family*... And if she is not mentally unstable, then something else is going wrong with the situation, that we don't know about. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense, YKWIM?

Talk to hubby, and have him sit down with her. He CAN get her to leave. Assuming she is mentally okay.

She knows that I am pregnant and still tried to upset me. Even the police were very nice to me. I am not sure why she is so mean.

Dh did ask her to leave but she refused.

[s7714]

Pop some sleeping pills in her drink, stick her on a plane and tell FIL when to pick her up from the airport? :innocent:

[Kitten007]

Pop some sleeping pills in her drink, stick her on a plane and tell FIL when to pick her up from the airport? :innocent:

:yeahthat::bighand::cheerleader1:

:hysterical::ROTFLMAO:

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

Pop some sleeping pills in her drink, stick her on a plane and tell FIL when to pick her up from the airport? :innocent:

:cheerleader1:

[TwinFoxes]

Updated: No matter what we did, she still refused to leave. We called FIL and he didn't help much because again she lied. We offered to book a hotel. She refused to leave. I am very upset. She obviously doesn't care about my health. What else can we do? We live in an apartment. So, we can't change the lock. No, she is not from other countries. She was born and raised in Missisippi.

I don't get this. What did she lie about? "No, they really want me here, that phone call you got saying 'please make her leave' must have been a prank call." You mention the police, what did they say?

At this point, since she won't leave, and you guys for whatever reason can get her to leave, I think you should try to make the best of the situation. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes, but it's difficult for me to imagine. I guess the way to make the best of the situation is to keep the kids away from her as much as possible, and for you to avoid her as much as possible. This is truly a bizarre situation. My DH has some crazy-ass relatives (he had to tell some of them it was time to go after his dad's funeral and they were having a fine time at his mom's house) but none of them would refuse to leave, and if they did, we'd manage to get them out one way or another. Do you have a friend who could sit her down and firmly tell her to get the hell out? Maybe you guys aren't being direct enough...are you hinting that she should leave, or saying directly "this isn't working, you have to leave by Friday. This isn't a request. We'll either get you a ticket home, or make other arrangements here in the city."

Although honestly, kicking someone out the day before Thanksgiving is something you can't walk backwards from...I think you'll pretty much burn that bridge with MIL. :angry-smiley-005:

[deborah_r]

Updated: No matter what we did, she still refused to leave. We called FIL and he didn't help much because again she lied. We offered to book a hotel. She refused to leave.

Seriously, you told FIL "We want her to leave. She needs to leave. We cannot have here her any longer. And she refuses to leave." And he said...what? Were you this direct? Because I think you need to be.

I think many of us are having trouble giving advice because we cannot fathom not being able to remove an unwanted guest from our home. I can't imagine someone who stays knowing they are unwanted. This is bizarre.

[saschalicks]

Since you live in an apt you can go to the landlord tell them you are changing the locks and give them a key. Let them know you have someone staying in your home you need to lock out. Leave a note outside letting her know that her stuff is at xyz. Put in the note that you have contacted the airline and she's all set to leave on xyz flight. Also, let her know that FIL is expecting her to arrive at xyz time.

Your health and family come first. Whatever mental issues she has are not your problem. Why would you want to stay where you are not welcome?

GL!

[tnrnchick74]

Isn't this woman now officially trespassing?? Couldn't you call the police and explain and get her force ably removed?? OF course any relationship you have with this part of the family would be destroyed...

[ellies mom]

Isn't this woman now officially trespassing?? Couldn't you call the police and explain and get her force ably removed?? OF course any relationship you have with this part of the family would be destroyed...
But really isn't any relationship you have with this part of the family already destroyed? I mean, if I have to go to such extremes to get someone out of my home, what kind of relationship are we going to have going forward? It isn't like I'd be inviting her back next week for dinner?

[jenny]

This almost seems like a joke because I can't imagine anyone being this insane.

If this is for real, then I would change the plane ticket asap. Even if she doesn't want to leave. I'd pack up her things and put them in the car and carry her to the car myself if I had to and drop her off at the airport.

[moonsky]

I don't get this. What did she lie about? "No, they really want me here, that phone call you got saying 'please make her leave' must have been a prank call." You mention the police, what did they say?

At this point, since she won't leave, and you guys for whatever reason can get her to leave, I think you should try to make the best of the situation. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes, but it's difficult for me to imagine. I guess the way to make the best of the situation is to keep the kids away from her as much as possible, and for you to avoid her as much as possible. This is truly a bizarre situation. My DH has some crazy-ass relatives (he had to tell some of them it was time to go after his dad's funeral and they were having a fine time at his mom's house) but none of them would refuse to leave, and if they did, we'd manage to get them out one way or another. Do you have a friend who could sit her down and firmly tell her to get the hell out? Maybe you guys aren't being direct enough...are you hinting that she should leave, or saying directly "this isn't working, you have to leave by Friday. This isn't a request. We'll either get you a ticket home, or make other arrangements here in the city."

Although honestly, kicking someone out the day before Thanksgiving is something you can't walk backwards from...I think you'll pretty much burn that bridge with MIL. :angry-smiley-005:

We have been very direct with her in having her leaving two weeks ago. She has refused. She wanted to be here for Thanksgiving parade and meeting with her friend in early December. Our situation or stress is not really her concern.

As we cannot make her leave, I have been avoiding her and keeping my kids away from her. She has really thick skin.

[moonsky]

This almost seems like a joke because I can't imagine anyone being this insane.

If this is for real, then I would change the plane ticket asap. Even if she doesn't want to leave. I'd pack up her things and put them in the car and carry her to the car myself if I had to and drop her off at the airport.

I wish it was a joke. But it is real.

[katydid1971]

Pack her bags, call the police and have them escort her out of your house. Give her the plane ticket and ask the landlord to change the locks (BTW changing the locks is pretty easy to do yourself, you could do it for now and change them back later). She obvously is mentally unwell and as such should not be around you or your family. Good luck!!!!

[connor_mommy]

Just call a locksmith and have the lock rekeyed. The lock will be the same, but you'll get a new set of keys. I can't believe she would want to stay if she's not welcomed. Pack up her things and put it in the trunk. Then tell DH to take her out for lucnh and drop her off at the airport! Or just drop her off at the airport!

[JBaxter]

Pack her bags, call the police and have them escort her out of your house. Give her the plane ticket and ask the landlord to change the locks (BTW changing the locks is pretty easy to do yourself, you could do it for now and change them back later). She obvously is mentally unwell and as such should not be around you or your family. Good luck!!!!

EXACTLY she is now tresspassing.

[kijip]

IMO, she needs to be taken in for a psych evaluation. I would tell her point blank you can leave voluntarily or I am calling an ambulance. To a point your husband needs to be the one to deal with her. However, she is past that point if he is not dealing with it. If she won't leave you are going to have to throw her out. The person harming the relationship is her by not leaving when asked directly to do so. If she is sick, maybe once she gets help the relationship can re-grow. Don't feel guilty. Not leaving when asked to do so is abusive. Not forcing the issue with her is just letting her continue to impose and be abusive.

[californiamom]

I am sorry to hear about your frustrations and disappointment with your MIL's visit. However, I am going to go against the flow here... It's your husband's mother you are talking about. Your kids' grandmother. I do not think it is appropriate to ask her to leave, throw her out or call the police on her. I don't see how you can love and respect you husband and treat his mother like this at the same time. Unless he and his mom are the worst enemies.

Would you like it if your husband treated your mother this way? Would you do the same if it was your mother who was visiting?

If I were you, I would stay out of this and let your husband deal with the situation. If he wants her gone, then he will be firm with her. If he does not do enough for her to leave, leave her alone.

I would show her as much affection and respect as possible. Just because you are pregnant it does not mean you can't take visitors, especially being your husband's mother. Or did I miss any major piece of information? If so, please forgive me.

Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear/read, but unless you have a long history of problems in your relationship with her and she is abusing you, or if you have a high-risk pregnancy and need to be on bed-rest or something to this degree, I believe you should try to cool down and respect her. It may be all the pregnancy hormones that are driving you crazy, not her. So, take a deep breath and try to calm down. Remember, it takes 2 to tango.

Also, it seems like she is having a lot of things to do outside of your house -- sightseeing and meeting with friends, and etc. Is she around you that often? Is there a way for you to go out, plan fun activities, visit *your* friends, etc, so you do not have to be around her much? December is almost here. Hang in there and treasure yours and your husband's family!

Cheers.

[dogmom]

I am sorry to hear about your frustrations and disappointment with your MIL's visit. However, I am going to go against the flow here... It's your husband's mother you are talking about. Your kids' grandmother. I do not think it is appropriate to ask her to leave, throw her out or call the police on her. I don't see how you can love and respect you husband and treat his mother like this at the same time. Unless he and his mom are the worst enemies.

Would you like it if your husband treated your mother this way? Would you do the same if it was your mother who was visiting?

If I were you, I would stay out of this and let your husband deal with the situation. If he wants her gone, then he will be firm with her. If he does not do enough for her to leave, leave her alone.

I would show her as much affection and respect as possible. Just because you are pregnant it does not mean you can't take visitors, especially being your husband's mother. Or did I miss any major piece of information? If so, please forgive me.

Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear/read, but unless you have a long history of problems in your relationship with her and she is abusing you, or if you have a high-risk pregnancy and need to be on bed-rest or something to this degree, I believe you should try to cool down and respect her. It may be all the pregnancy hormones that are driving you crazy, not her. So, take a deep breath and try to calm down. Remember, it takes 2 to tango.

Also, it seems like she is having a lot of things to do outside of your house -- sightseeing and meeting with friends, and etc. Is she around you that often? Is there a way for you to go out, plan fun activities, visit *your* friends, etc, so you do not have to be around her much? December is almost here. Hang in there and treasure yours and your husband's family!

Cheers.



I'm sorry, I've stayed out of this so far, but I think your advice is very bad. Someone REFUSING to leave and lying about what she is doing there to her own husband is either completely disrespectful or possibly mentally unstable. It would be one thing for the original poster to bite her tongue and deal if things got extended past their original date. But when it gets to the point of asking her to leave, and she running off with the key and having to get the police involved I think it has gone beyond just going with the flow. And I'm sorry, but respecting your spouse DOES NOT mean you automatically respect their parents. I've had to explain to my MIL, who I do love, that I did not want to hear her call her son lazy again and if she ever did it in front of our children she would never see them. Does that mean I don't love and respect my husband because I refuse to have his mother mistreat him in front of me and our children? Even if the original poster is holding back information and actually a delusional nasty person, why would her MIL WANT to stay?

[kijip]

I'm sorry, I've stayed out of this so far, but I think your advice is very bad.

:yeahthat:

I'd go further and say that NOT kicking her out or calling emergency services (depending on what MIL is doing) is hurtful to the OP, her husband and children and also hurtful to her MIL. Letting her do this is not helping her. If she is a jerk, it's giving her license to continue being a jerk. If she is mentally ill, it is ignoring her need for professional healthcare.

[codex57]

:yeahthat:

I'd go further and say that NOT kicking her out or calling emergency services (depending on what MIL is doing) is hurtful to the OP, her husband and children and also hurtful to her MIL. Letting her do this is not helping her. If she is a jerk, it's giving her license to continue being a jerk. If she is mentally ill, it is ignoring her need for professional healthcare.

:yeahthat: I was trying to stay out of it too, but not after that post. That's akin to letting an alcoholic drink themselves to death out of "respect." Sometimes, you have to be the adult and do the uncomfortable thing rather than suck it up. Just cuz someone is older doesn't mean you always must follow their wishes. Particularly if you know/suspect there's a problem. You're an adult too.