boundaries with friends

[brgnmom]

Hi all,

I've been challenged with a particular issue on boundaries related to a mommy friend, and I'm wondering how you maintain certain boundaries. I've personally struggled with asking others for help, just because I do not want to be a burden. But what happens when a close friend of yours asks for things that become difficult to do on your part? Or you realize that she asks to hang out so that you can lift things for her (my DH asks why she can't ask her husband or a close neighbor), for example.

I'm feeling ambivalent about how to draw the lines on when and how I can help my mommy friend.
Thanks.

[misshollygolightly]

Hmm. Sounds like you're in an awkward position, though it's sort of hard to tell exactly what is going on from your post. I haven't thought about it much, but here are a few factors I'd consider:
-is our friendship balanced? If she needs my help in certain areas, does she also meet some of my needs in others? In the situation you described, for example, I'd be more than happy to lift physical objects for her if she reciprocated in some way--maybe by being a good listener, a good conversationalist, or even just boosting my mood with good compliments or jokes
-is her reliance on you a temporary thing that will end in the near future? I'm usually very happy to give my friends lots of support when they most need it, but if their demands are more long-term I'd approach with more caution.
-how great of an inconvenience are the things she asks me to do? If you're just a little peeved about lifting things for her, that's one thing. If it's greatly interrupting your family life or damaging your back, that's another.

These are just thoughts that jump into my mind. Two other thoughts for you. First, have you tried saying no--gently--on occasion? Just because she asks you may not necessarily mean that she expects you to always help. If you have a genuine conflict, explain it to her and say you'd like to help but can't this time. Secondly, have you tried hanging out with her just for fun recently? It sounds like you feel that time with her is burdensome because she's always wanting you to help her with something. Maybe you could suggest doing something together purely for fun (get coffee, go shopping, whatever), and see if that rekindles your friendship. Perhaps she is lonely and asks you to help her as an excuse to get together--maybe you could try just getting together for something fun and undemanding once in a while. Good luck!

[brgnmom]

Thank you for your great advice! Here is a link to my prior thread (http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=341840). I have a difficult time saying no, although I managed to decline becoming my friend's mother's helper. I've always enjoyed helping others, but maybe it's because my ds is three years old now that I'm feeling a little worn down. And in this particular case, I've noticed that my friend has found some other use of our time together and the help isn't reciprocated. We are moving soon and instead of asking how that is going, she quickly stated she wouldn't be able to make the drive to see us and we would need to drive, etc.

i'll see later this week what she'll need me to lift and bring to the library. I had surgery on my knee and have to be careful because it is prone to dislocating. But I didn't want to remind her and I felt bad about her recent tendinitis problems in her arms.

[misshollygolightly]

Oh yes! I remember your earlier post now. You know, if helping her puts your knee at risk, I think you're more than justified in politely declining and telling her why (reminding her of your surgery is not, IMO, in any way impolite). You could even make a little joke about how both of you seem to be falling apart, with your knee and her tendinitis. Then, maybe you could suggest that the two of you do something purely fun and relaxing--sounds like you both could really use it. Maybe invite her over to your place for coffee (she couldn't very well make you do work for her there). You could even say that you'd really like to spend some time relaxing and making memories with her before you move. Hopefully, that would put your friendship on more solid ground before you do move--I sense that you don't want this once valuable friendship to leave a sour taste in your mouth here at the end! I wonder if she's acting weird because she's trying to distance herself a little emotionally before you do move. Sometimes people feel betrayed and turn passive-aggressive as a defense thing when dear friends move away. Of course, you can't know for sure what's up with her, but it sounds like you do value her friendship (or at least, the way it used to be) and want to leave on a more positive note.

[brgnmom]

Thank you again for your feedback. I love your suggestion of the joke to keep things lighthearted.

I wish I weren't on a deadline to move, but it's for my DH's job. I do value my friendship (we used to hang out all the time when my DS was an infant up until very recently) and her parents and I will be living relatively close to each other after our move.