Has anyone NOT separated their twins in school?

[blisstwins]

My children have shared a classroom for all of preK and it has gone beautifully. As they move into elementary I am torn about what to do. Has anyone kept their twins together? If so, until what grade and what were the advantages and disadvantages? TIA.

[AJP]

I am curious to hear what the majority say. My girls are only 15 months, but I know that I plan on keeping them together in the early years. Not sure what I'll do later. I'm sure it will depend on lots of factors.

[Melaine]

I guess my opinion could change, but I would plan to keep them together unless something changes. Then again, at this point I am planning on homeschooling, at least at first. I have a big problem with schools dictating whether or not twins will be separated.

[sue_g]

My children have shared a classroom for all of preK and it has gone beautifully. As they move into elementary I am torn about what to do. Has anyone kept their twins together? If so, until what grade and what were the advantages and disadvantages? TIA.
My ds are in kindergarten now and we kept them together. They are fraternal and very different personalities. We have not had any problems so far. I really think you should do what you feel is best for your individual children. Is there a law in your state where the parents have the input? Please feel free to pm me if you have any other questions.

[TwinFoxes]

I have a big problem with schools dictating whether or not twins will be separated.

There's been a lot of movement in various states to let parents decide. I'm not sure if your state is one of them. Mostly, school districts have responded to parental pressure, and to the fact that there have been no valid studies showing that keeping twins together has a negative impact. Most of the "proof" has been anecdotal. I plan to keep my girls together until I have a reason not to. (Again, easy for me to say with 17 month olds!)

[noodle]

Not a mom of twins, but I have three good friends who each have twins.
Friend A kept her kids together through first grade. The boys are identical and had started using people's inability to tell them apart to wreak havoc.
Friend B kept her b/g twins together through third grade when they asked to be separated.
Friend C wanted her b/g twins together through second grade, but her DH (a SAHD if that's relevant) and the first grade teacher felt strongly it was time to split them up after first. She misses the "reporting" they used to be able to do about each other, but now feels it was the right move for them. One of her concerns was about the reputation of one of the second-grade teachers, but that teacher has turned out to be an excellent fit for her DD.

[lealowe]

I kept my frat girls together through first grade. Years ago I read a persuasive article about how it was good to keep them together until at least age 7. I haven't been able to find that article again, but that rule of thumb worked well for us.

In second grade, I asked that they were put in classes with the same lunchroom/recess schedules. The teachers also did field trips together. It was a gentle separation. I greatly second guessed and worried about my decision. They handled it well, though, and had a very good year.

In third grade, I put them back in closer proximity in classrooms with teaching partners. They would switch to the opposite classroom after lunch. They HATED it. They griped and complained about seeing each other so much. This is what I wanted in second grade, but didn't get.

By fourth grade, one demanded that she be in a totally different "pod" with different lunchroom and recess schedules. The other was not upset. That's where we are now. It's hard on me keeping up with assignments and newsletters, etc. (They each have two teachers.) But, they are decently happy and content.

I had no obvious reason to separate them, but just a gut feeling that was what I needed to do. Based upon their reactions, I think it was the right decision for us--especially now that they really seem to be trying to develop their own personalities apart from their twin.

Good luck!

Jennifer (mom to L&B--9, L--7, and N--2)

[hardysmom]

My fraternal girls are together in K. It has been good. Right now, they are in a small, private school but they "graduate" and will go public next year.

My girls are extremely different, but close. They stayed in the same crib until they were 2... they still share a bed at 5. I think I need to start gently moving them apart.

I have mixed feelings about 1st grade. I'm a little worried that if I try to keep them together, we may get a less popular/new teacher since so many parents seem to request the "good" teachers and if they are going to fit 2 kids in the same class, they will probably put them where there is the most room.

Last year, we applied to a public language immersion program and didn't get in. I was told it was because they couldn't "fit" g/g twins from the same family in the single K classroom and maintain the city-wide geographic and gender balance. It taught me a lesson.

If I was comfortable that all the classroom teachers were great, it wouldn't be an issue.

My girls are very, very different. One of them seems to make a point of being as individual as possible... I think some of it is in reaction to comparisons with her sister who tends to be more social. I think she would do better on her own... On the other hand, the "social" sister would do better with them together.

I think it is a gut decision. I think the hard part is doing what is best for the twins, even if it is harder on us as the parents.

Stephanie

[pinkmomagain]

I am not the mom of twins but wonder why one would want to keep them together? Just curious.

BTW - There is a set of B/G twins in dds preschool right now. The boy is very dependent on the girl socially....I see that often times she wants independent time and his feelings get hurt. I think the mom will be separating them in K (and the teachers are encouraging that).

[Ceepa]

I am not the mom of twins but wonder why one would want to keep them together? Just curious.

BTW - There is a set of B/G twins in dds preschool right now. The boy is very dependent on the girl socially....I see that often times she wants independent time and his feelings get hurt. I think the mom will be separating them in K (and the teachers are encouraging that).

I also know a family that split their B/G twins in preK because the parents felt they weren't developing as much as individuals. Now they're really blossoming in their separate spaces.

[TwinFoxes]

I am not the mom of twins but wonder why one would want to keep them together? Just curious.



Why separate them if they're best friends and developing fine? Like I said, evidence that it's harmful is anecdotal, like the one set of twins you know. I know many sets of twins because I belong to a mothers of multiples group. Most of the parents them do not separate their twins early on, and they are all doing fine.

I mean duh, obviously if my twins are not developing their own personalities and are not able to make friends, I'll separate them. But I don't see any need to otherwise.

[egoldber]

Why separate them if they're best friends and developing fine?

There could be lots of reasons.

It is not always a good thing to be in a class with your best friend. For some kids this is very distracting or they find it anxiety inducing to have to share their friend with others during classtime. I have observed this with my own child.

Also, especially as they get into elementary, it may be that a particular teacher may be a better fit for one child vs another. And if they have always been together in school, then splitting them up for teacher fit in a later grade may be harder on them than if it had been done earlier.

And even if they are doing well themselves, it may be tempting for the school and others to treat them as a "unit" rather than as individuals. FWIW, my SILs are identical twins and this was a real issue for them in school. They were not seen as individuals but as "the twins". Separating them helped with this and helped other people to get to know them as individuals.

But of course, it's all about doing what's right for your kids. :)

[hobie]

My boys are in the same K class, and it's great for them! The other kids and teacher have no problem telling them apart (B wears glasses), and they play independantly (this is from the teacher, and my oberservation, as I volunteer in the class). They love to go to school, now, but were quite nervous at first, so it was a great comfort to them, to know that their brother was going to be in the same room with them. There are 2 other sets of twin in K, and they are in the same class with their twin as well.

I really think that it should be left up to the parents and teacher, to decide together on each set of twins, if they should be sepperated or not.

[dowlinal]

[QUOTE=pinkmomagain;2547752] I am not the mom of twins but wonder why one would want to keep them together? Just curious.

[QUOTE]

My boys are only 6 months old, but, I hope the keep them together as long as possible for practical reasons. I can't be in two places at the same time and I don't want to have to choose between them. I have two older girls and it's hard enough to juggle their school events and functions. If the boys are together then it will be more like juggling three kids' schedules.

[hardysmom]

I am not the mom of twins but wonder why one would want to keep them together? Just curious.

You just have to weigh the cost-benefit. Like, if there is a great teacher at your school do you try to get both in that class or choose which one gets the "great" teacher and the other goes to another class... Maybe the benefit of being apart surpasses the value of the teacher, maybe not.

I think the biggest issue is something that is something that is hard to communicate if you don't have experience with multiples, without sounding selfish or like you are a bad parent.

Simply put, assuming no problems, it is easier on the parents if they are in the same class... That isn't a small thing, nor should it be discounted.

It is easier to stay on top of what is happening, conferences, homework, activities if the twins are doing the same things. You can volunteer in the classroom without doing double-duty or having to choose between them. Most parents of younger twins try to coordinate school and activities to simplify our complicated lives.

As the kids get older and more independent, it isn't as much as an issue, but when they are very young and dependent, most families with multiples have certain survival strategies which include "traveling as a tribe" to minimize craziness.

Problem is, trying to control the chaos by keeping the twins (or trips) doing the same activities tends to undermine the parents' ability (or willingness) to see the kids as blossoming individuals. It is a tough, tough balance.

I say this as a parent in the middle of it... You get/stay so exhausted that the extra effort of doing different classes, activities, or even schools is not worth the "big picture" impact on the overall family health. It may seem like a small thing, but as you raise twins from infancy, you develop these patterns of behavior which are difficult to release, even when you know they are no longer necessary. Does that make sense?

That said, different twins have different issues. Identicals get compared/confused. Fraternals, particularly b/g frats, not so much. Often, one twin is dominant socially/academically. Because many twins are born prematurely, there are a host of potential issues which may not effect the siblings equally. Sometimes one twin is inadvertently forced to be the caretaker of the other twin.

On the other hand, it is a special relationship with a lot of perks. There is a built-in continuity when you are a twin that singletons just don't have. Some say splitting them up denies this benefit.

I have a friend who has her b/g twins at 2 different private schools. The girl is academically gifted and socially adept while her brother has some moderate learning issues. The mom was concerned that if they were at the same school, he would feel compared to his sister and grow resentful. I know one of my girls feels this way sometimes.

I don't know the answer.

[TwinFoxes]

There could be lots of reasons.

It is not always a good thing to be in a class with your best friend. For some kids this is very distracting or they find it anxiety inducing to have to share their friend with others during classtime. I have observed this with my own child.

Also, especially as they get into elementary, it may be that a particular teacher may be a better fit for one child vs another. And if they have always been together in school, then splitting them up for teacher fit in a later grade may be harder on them than if it had been done earlier.

And even if they are doing well themselves, it may be tempting for the school and others to treat them as a "unit" rather than as individuals. FWIW, my SILs are identical twins and this was a real issue for them in school. They were not seen as individuals but as "the twins". Separating them helped with this and helped other people to get to know them as individuals.

But of course, it's all about doing what's right for your kids. :)

Well, to me if they are very distracted or find it anxiety inducing, they're not developing normally, so I'd split them up. Like I said, if things are going fine, why split them up?

I don't know how old your SILs are, but I think teachers are more sensitive to treating twins individually than they were in years past. Twins used to be really uncommon, but they're not any more, and twin parents are making it clear how they want their kids to be treated. Surveys of twin parents have shown that their kids do just as well when not separated in the early years, despite anecdotal evidence.

[gatorsmom]

We are sending Gator and cha cha to our small, parochial school through probably 8th grade. I asked the preschool director about separating the twins when they are old enough to go to preschool, and she said it's really up to the parent although if the school sees a problem, they will make some recommendations. Apparently our school is small enough that they haven't dealt with this much.

Looking at how they behave together, I think the best thing for my 2 is to keep them together. Sisi is pretty shy and seems to feel more comfortable with familiar faces around. Greenbean isn't shy at all, and barely approaches Sisi at all in their ECFE classes. He's too busy exploring the room and working the crowd :). But I think they'd perform better knowing the other is not far from them since that is what they've always been used to, at least in their early school years. I imagine they'd be more courageous and open to learning/ exploring knowing that they still have their backup partner. :) Sisi seems to slowly be outgrowing her shyness so I wouldn't be surprised if by 3rd or 4th grade they don't care if the other twin is in their class. All the grades in our school have 2 classes. Although, as they continue to get more and more homework, it would certainly make it easier on me if they both were doing the same thing. :D

I would really have a problem with a school that insisted they be separated. Or kept together. If there were no other options but to go to a school with that as a standard policy, I'd homeschool.

ETA: I've heard of cases where one twin will do everything for the other- answer for the other, tell him/ her what to do. In that case I think it gets more complicated because the quiet one might benefit from individual attention. In that case, I'd consider separating them earlier.

[fivi2]

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to this... My state leaves it up to the parents (by law). Imo, so much depends on the temperments and needs of the kiddos involved.

My girls are identical. I do plan to keep them together in kinder and probably first. For us, I think it would be too big of a change to separate along with starting real school for the first time. My girls have literally never been apart for more than a short time. That is not ideal, and not what I planned, but that is the way it has worked out with dh's schedule, etc.

The biggest negative I see, is what some pps have mentioned, in that some people can't tell them apart. The get called the other's name frequently. At preschool, so far, they don't seem to have the issues egoldber and other mentioned. They play independently, have their own friends, are not treated as a unit, etc. But, I will continue to monitor and decide year to year what I think is best for our family.

[egoldber]

teachers are more sensitive to treating twins individually than they were in years past

As I said :) every family has to do what is right for them. But I believe their issues were more with other kids than teachers. My MIL was actually a teacher, so she was obviously pretty savvy to the system and knew how to work the teachers LOL.

Interestingly, my SIL who is a twin now has twins (b/g though) so it will be interesting to see what choices she makes going forward.

And I know you didn't mean it that way, but a kid who has anxiety in certain situations is not necessarily developing abnormally. And as a parent, it can be hard to actually see or know that issue exists until they are actually in the classroom and see it at play. So one may think things are fine, when they are actually not so fine. So it could be a concern in assuming that there is no problem, when there may be one.


Although, as they continue to get more and more homework, it would certainly make it easier on me if they both were doing the same thing.

Also, just because 2 kids are in the same class does not mean they are necessarily getting the same homework. At many schools starting in K, they differentiate and put kids in different groups (sometimes ability based) with different work even if they are in the same classroom. And I would think it could be hard on the kids if they were in the same classroom, but not in the same reading/math. etc. ability group. Just some thoughts.

But not being a twin mom, I'll shut up now. ;)

ETA: And I was really only responding to the question of why separate if things seem to be going well with a few reasons for why parents might consider separating even if things appear to be going well the kids themselves. :)

[blisstwins]

So I have b/g twins who have been in the same preK classroom for 3 years and it has been wonderful. Easy for me and non-stressful for them. They both have friends and outgoing personalities. I would like to keep them together for a few more years, but my choices are seriously constrained.
Their current school has only 1 classroom per grade. If they stay there they will be in the same classroom until 8th grade unless we switch them out at some point. I would like them to have continuity, however, and a move in elementary would mean a switch from parochial to public, which is not an easy change.
The public schools here give me NO SAY in my children's placement. I already kept them out of public because we have a Dec. 31 cut off and my children would have been separated and in kindy already. It sucks.
There is only 1 parochial school that is k-8 that has 2 classrooms per grade. It is stricter and more affluent than my children's current school. To be completely honest, I worry a little about my children's current school because almost no neigborhood kids attend, but the new principal is wonderful and the parents seem involved in the school. I felt more conflicted about thinking of this at all, until I read that recent thread about choosing our children's schools.
So if you are still with me, I have to change schools to even have the possibility of separation and if we change I have no choice--they would not let me keep them together and separate if need be. Did I say that this sucks?
My kids are terrific together, but I notice a little "I did this before B, right?" It is muted, but who knows what it will be like if they are not even matched in terms of academics? I just want to protect their relationship so that is always is at good as it is now, and I don't know how to proceed. Any direct advice for someone in my shoes? Thanks again.

[bluestar2]

I don't think there is a right or wrong, and what is best for one set of twins isn't necessarily best for another.