Is there something wrong with DD?

[maestramommy]

Ever since parent conference last month I've been aware of an ongoing issue with Dora at school. Her teacher told me that Dora sometimes pushes or hits the other kids. Not hard enough to hurt, just enough to get their attention. The teacher thinks that Dora doesn't know how to get her classmates attention so she resorts to being physical. So they are working with her on using her words, asking them to play with her, etc. They did say it doesn't happen often, just once in a while.

Today at pickup the teacher said that Dora was pinching(?) or pushing her classmates faces. At first I misunderstood and thought she was pushing and pinching her own face. She and Arwyn have been watching Dora's World Adventure, and there's a favorite scene where they're making silly phases in order to make a troll laugh. So they are always moving their faces around. When I found out Dora was doing it to other people I was so embarrassed. She's been pushing Arwyn's cheeks in lately, for no reason than I can see. Usually when I catch her I tell her to stop, on pain of losing some of her prized toys if she doesn't.

Now the teacher also said that Dora also likes to hug her classmates, something all the kids do. The kids also have a tendency to crawl/climb on each other during circle time, even though they don't like it when someone does it to them:p But they don't like it when she starts with the face pushing (who would?). In the car I told her she has to stop doing that because her friends don't like it, and if she doesn't stop, she can't go to school anymore.

I don't know what to think. Dora used to be such a shy kid, and now she's someone who can't keep her hands off other kids?? We've talked about her behavior and attention seeking at least some of the time, and I am trying to remedy that. But that can't be the only part of the solution. How do I get Dora to understand about not invading people's personal space, which is how I see this? Does she have an actual problem? Or is this normal behavior? The teacher didn't say whether the other kids in the class also do stuff like this, and I didn't ask. She has suggested that Dora needs a one-on-one playmate, and gave me a few names of girls in the glass. After this incident I won't be surprised if the moms hang up on me! We have just started a standing playdate with a neighbor across the street. They have a little boy the same age, and proximity makes it very logical. They also go to different preschools, which in this case makes it easier.

Any ideas? If there is something I'm doing wrong, or not doing, don't be afraid to say so. I'm really scratching my head on this one.

[AnnieW625]

I don't think there is anything wrong with Dora I think she is just exercising her emotions. When Elisa gets this way and gets in our space, which seems like a lot lately (I think she knows about the baby, but we haven't told her yet) we tell her stearnly that she needs to stay out of what we call private space (meaning face, tummy (she loves to tickle), etc.) and we have to repeat ourselves until she stops. I believe you told her the right thing by saying that she needs to stop or she can't go to school. I would also stop watching the Dora movie, and thanks for the tip to skip the World Adventure movie, Elisa would have too much fun with that.

Good luck!

[s7714]

I don't think there is anything wrong with your daughter, but I don't have much in the way of advice either. I think some kids are naturally just more physical than others. My younger DD is on the physical side. She likes to touch, hug, push, and all that stuff. I was really afraid she'd come off as a bully once she started preschool, because while she's not doing the stuff to force people into doing things (or to make them feel bad), she is so much more physical than my older DD it surprises me at times. However, it turned out that a lot of the kids in her preschool class are similar in nature so they all kind of tumble along together.

I volunteered at a obstacle course at my older DDs school last month and was mortified when I saw my 6 year old swatting a couple boy's bottoms in a football player "hey that was a great move" kind of way all the while laughing hysterically! I quickly pulled her aside and told her that was not appropriate. All I was thinking was that these boys were going to go home and tell their parents that my DD was spanking them! :o

I've been trying to work with both my DDs on the issue of respecting personal space, but more because of their behavior with each other than their behavior with others right now. Unfortunately it seems like they really only get the concept when their own space is invaded though, not when they're the one getting too close.

[hillview]

It sounds pretty normal to me. I am of course not wild about this behavior with DS #1 but it sounds about where we are. His schoool is pretty strict about contact like this (montessori) but if they were even a little more laid back I can imagine I'd get this sort of report :)
GOOD LUCK!
/hillary

[infocrazy]

DS1 is a few months older and although he hasn't been hands on with classmates, he was all over his little cousin on vacation. She is 2 and he is definitely protective of her but he CONSTANTLY wanted hugs from her and hugged her! I made him start asking her, which helped, but then he'd get sad if she said no, or just keep asking until she said yes! He is also VERY cuddley with me these days. DH had to order him off me the other day because he just wouldn't stop!

I'm guessing it's mostly an age thing, but I'd suggest just talking to her about it might help. Plus, I'd take advantage of when the younger sisters do something to her that she doesn't like as an opportunity to draw a comparison.

[maestramommy]

I would also stop watching the Dora movie, and thanks for the tip to skip the World Adventure movie, Elisa would have too much fun with that.

Good luck!

Well, the Dora movie is a library video, which has to be returned this week. But it really is a good video, about friends helping friends. I just didn't think it would affect Dora like that. It certainly hasn't affected Arwyn that way, and probably wouldn't for a lot of other kids.

[pinkmomagain]

In my experience with my kids, there always seems to be one or two kids who seem to have an issue with honoring personal space. All kids are going to touch or push on occassion, but a few kids seem to have it as an ongoing issue. DD3 has a child like this now in her PreK class.

If it were me, I'd be all over the teacher's suggestion of playdates with girls in her class. Emphasis on "girls" -- because the often play differently than boys, and emphasis on "in her class" -- because it's good for her to make friendships with classmates. She probably gave you names of girls who would be good matchups personality-wise, or maybe would be good models of appropriate play. If it's anything like the preschool we go to, the parents are very open and understanding. And if it's not a co-op, then the parents may very well not even be aware of Dora's issue in the classroom. I would make it a priority to have a playdate with a classmate once a week or so. And then, be very "present" on those playdates so that you can jump in and correct when necessary.

DD2 had issues socially when she was a preschooler (different from Dora's) and even though it was sometimes a pain to have the playdates, they definitely help. Hopefully the teachers are on top of it at school (it sounds like they are) and so if she's getting the messages at home and at school *while at play* then hopefully it will be a problem of the past in no time.

eta: Developmentally, kids this age can have a hard time "remembering" discussions about how to behave appropriately when they are not "in the moment." KWIM? Thus the importance of addressing it during play.

Good Luck!

[daisymommy]

I totally agree with the other posters. I don't think there's anything wrong with her. Is it behavior that you want to continue? No. Is it totally normal kid stuff? Yep! As someone else said, there are shy kids who keep to themselves, and kids who are much more outgoing and that sometimes includes their hands being on other people. It's hard for little ones to control their impulses, even when intellectually they may know they should, and you have talked to her about it. It may just take some growing-up time for this stage to pass. I would continue to give her reminders, talk to her about appropriate ways to interact with other kids, and then just try to have patience :)

[gatorsmom]

Ever since parent conference last month I've been aware of an ongoing issue with Dora at school. Her teacher told me that Dora sometimes pushes or hits the other kids. Not hard enough to hurt, just enough to get their attention. The teacher thinks that Dora doesn't know how to get her classmates attention so she resorts to being physical. So they are working with her on using her words, asking them to play with her, etc. They did say it doesn't happen often, just once in a while.

Today at pickup the teacher said that Dora was pinching(?) or pushing her classmates faces. At first I misunderstood and thought she was pushing and pinching her own face. She and Arwyn have been watching Dora's World Adventure, and there's a favorite scene where they're making silly phases in order to make a troll laugh. So they are always moving their faces around. When I found out Dora was doing it to other people I was so embarrassed. She's been pushing Arwyn's cheeks in lately, for no reason than I can see. Usually when I catch her I tell her to stop, on pain of losing some of her prized toys if she doesn't.

Now the teacher also said that Dora also likes to hug her classmates, something all the kids do. The kids also have a tendency to crawl/climb on each other during circle time, even though they don't like it when someone does it to them:p But they don't like it when she starts with the face pushing (who would?). In the car I told her she has to stop doing that because her friends don't like it, and if she doesn't stop, she can't go to school anymore.

I don't know what to think. Dora used to be such a shy kid, and now she's someone who can't keep her hands off other kids?? We've talked about her behavior and attention seeking at least some of the time, and I am trying to remedy that. But that can't be the only part of the solution. How do I get Dora to understand about not invading people's personal space, which is how I see this? Does she have an actual problem? Or is this normal behavior? The teacher didn't say whether the other kids in the class also do stuff like this, and I didn't ask. She has suggested that Dora needs a one-on-one playmate, and gave me a few names of girls in the glass. After this incident I won't be surprised if the moms hang up on me! We have just started a standing playdate with a neighbor across the street. They have a little boy the same age, and proximity makes it very logical. They also go to different preschools, which in this case makes it easier.

Any ideas? If there is something I'm doing wrong, or not doing, don't be afraid to say so. I'm really scratching my head on this one.

Dora sounds like a brute! LOL totally kidding. :kisscheek:

It sounds like Dora is starting to come out of her shy mode, and is trying out different ways to approach her classmates. This is sooo normal. There is a little boy in Gator's class that is always hitting Gator. Gator is a VERY outgoing child and makes friends very easily (I really envy him this). Well this other little boy follows Gator around all the time trying to get his attention and hits him frequently. Gator complains to me all the time but I try to explain to him that the little boy just really, really likes him and Gator should pay more attention to him. So Gator started including him more and the hitting stopped. Cha Cha has experienced this too. And in fact, Cha Cha does this to Gator all.the.time. He is constantly hitting him to get Gator's attention. When Gator finally does play directly with him, the hitting stops. We are really working on this with cha cha and he's getting there, I think it's just a question of maturity right now.

Gator's friend is kind of an extreme case- doesn't sound like your Dora is nearly as physical as Gator's friend, but just to say that you aren't alone and shouldn't worry. I'm sure Dora's teacher has some suggestions on teaching less physical ways to initiate play with her classmates.

In fact, if you learn some good tactics, please come back and share them with us!

[AnnieW625]

Well, the Dora movie is a library video, which has to be returned this week. But it really is a good video, about friends helping friends. I just didn't think it would affect Dora like that. It certainly hasn't affected Arwyn that way, and probably wouldn't for a lot of other kids.

We actually have a soft spot for Dora in our house and I really enjoy it. DD has learned Spanish from it; a lot more than I can say about DD's stupid fascination with Wonderpets! I can't wait to get our hands on some of the Dora videos that are done all in Spanish (saw the Spanish eps. on Univision recently) except for the little parts which are done in English (parts of the English ones that are usually in Spanish).

[kochh2]

a different perspective here... perhaps she is seeking some more "'deep pressure" type of input, as her sensory system is maturing, it changes with time. Sounds like it's all deep input, hugging, pushing, pinching, etc... she might crave that form of input to give her more body in space awareness, or just to satisfy her sensory needs. You might try rolling her up in a yoga mat, squishing her body under a yoga ball, and bear hugs and see if you notice a difference at home. there are simple classroom strategies that could reduce this classroom behavior if that works-- these are more in the realm of Occupational therapy (i'm a Pedi PT working closely with ot's).... it's just a thought, but thats how my brain works... perhaps an OT would give you a sensory checklist to help you figure out whether or not this is the case!!

[mamicka]

a different perspective here... perhaps she is seeking some more "'deep pressure" type of input, as her sensory system is maturing, it changes with time. Sounds like it's all deep input, hugging, pushing, pinching, etc... she might crave that form of input to give her more body in space awareness, or just to satisfy her sensory needs. You might try rolling her up in a yoga mat, squishing her body under a yoga ball, and bear hugs and see if you notice a difference at home. there are simple classroom strategies that could reduce this classroom behavior if that works-- these are more in the realm of Occupational therapy (i'm a Pedi PT working closely with ot's).... it's just a thought, but thats how my brain works... perhaps an OT would give you a sensory checklist to help you figure out whether or not this is the case!!

My thoughts were similar. It sounds to me like she is seeking more sensory input. I have a similar child & reading about sensory processing really helped me find better tools to help him manage his behavior. Sorry I'm not more helpful now, but I wanted to at least say this much.

[happymom]

You've gotten some good advice. Just wanted to add that in addition to playdates with girls from her class, some role play between yourself and Dora might help too. You can be Dora and she can be the friend whose attention you want, and vice versa. If you act out the appropriate behaviors, it is often more effective than just talking to her about it. I find this very helpful in my classroom- which is btw, a class of children exactly Dora's age (except they are special ed).

[maestramommy]

Just wanted to say very quickly thanks so much to everyone who replied! These are all good ideas, and I will try at least some, if not all of them out. It may be that there is some combo of sensory seeking, and just not knowing better/social anxiety going on. Anyway, I will think about all you ladies said. Thanks again!

[DrSally]

I think learning about boundaries is something a lot of kids deal with. It sounds like she's wanting to come out of her shell a bit and is experimenting with different ways of connecting. Is her speech still an issue? She may be reaching out physically if she doesn't have the words right at hand. I'm intrigued by the sensory input idea. There are times when DS is all over DD and me and gives hard hugs, etc. It makes sense that at a certain stage some kids need deeper sensory input. I don't think that Dora's bhvr would make mom's hang up on you. Nobody's perfect and I'm sure they know it isn't done maliciously.

I just set up a playdate with a boy in DS's class as he has a "slow to warm up" personality and facing a group of kids he doesn't know makes him nervous. I think this will help a lot. I need to provide the social opportunities for him to practice and, most importantly, have success socially. I hope supervised playdates will help in the same way for Dora.

[maestramommy]

Dr Sally, her speech is somewhat an issue. It's loads better, but the teachers and we are working on getting her to use complete sentences. She really has had very little social experience outside of our family, so being in a class of 13 kids she didn't already know is new for her.

[happymom]

Dr Sally, her speech is somewhat an issue. It's loads better, but the teachers and we are working on getting her to use complete sentences. She really has had very little social experience outside of our family, so being in a class of 13 kids she didn't already know is new for her.

I agree that those two components (along with possible sensory needs) could definitely be the cause of this. Which is why its so common- there are lots of kids with speech delays and limited social experiences at this age! She will learn a lot just from being in this social environment. And I just want to add that I find kids at this age to be very tolerant, so don't assume that the other children don't like her just because of this!

She will gain a lot from role play and modeling. And of course the play dates.

[inmypjs]

I don't really have any advice, but wanted to say that I can empathize with what you're going through. At different times I haven wondered if something is "wrong" with my children - and it's such a yucky feeling. I think there has been some great advice on this thread.