Separation Anxiety issues - what to make of this? (long)

[L'sMommy]

I work PT and DS (11 mos) is taken care of by our nanny while I am at work. A couple of weeks ago, she needed a day off and I put DS in back-up daycare for the whole day (first time at daycare). That experience was a complete nightmare and it seems DS hasn't been the same since! He got sick from day care and has become *extremely clingy* right after that. Basically, with the nanny, she cannot be out of his sight AT ALL during the day. He will start to scream as soon as she steps away (even if she is in the same room and wanting to do something else, like fold his laundry). And I'm not talking about a whiney type of scream. I'm talking full-out screaming that sounds like he is being tortured and that is not an exaggeration (it hurts my heart to hear it). She cannot even go to the bathroom while he's awake...we live in a townhouse so she does not like to let him scream like that in case the neighbors think she is doing something to DS (I trust her implicitly and the only time I've left DS overnight was with her). We have no idea how to handle this! We don't want to reinforce the screaming behavior. With me, he lets me do other things (like unload the dishwasher when he is in the exersaucer and can see me) but does start screaming when i go to the next room.

To provide additional information, he has also recently started hitting himself in the head with his palm, and pulling his hair when he is mad and not getting what he wants. I don't want to bring attention to this because he likes when we tell him to stop this (he smiles). Is this him exploring how to express his feelings or something?

DS is our first and his cousin was speech delayed and I am so paranoid about autism so I don't know if I am overreacting to any of this. Thoughts? I'm looking for suggestions on how to handle and whether I need to be worried about anything (some behavioral issue) at this point.

[sste]

Nothing you wrote sounds like a red flag for autism - - I am sure some of the posters with kids with autism will chime in. My DS also went through a stage at that age of his hitting his head with his hands and also banging his head against things from time to time. We were alarmed and spoke with pedi and a developmental therapist. It is completely normal at that age. They said it would be different if he was banging/hitting repetitively for hours at a time.

Not sure what to do about the daycare trauma though! Maybe if your nanny doesn't do this already telling your DS I am going to the bathroom and will be back in a minute - - maybe even giving him an oven timer and setting it??? I am curious to hear what others suggest . . .

[bubbaray]

IME, separation anxiety really starts to kick in around 12m. So, it d/n surprise me at all that your DS is acting this way. He might have done so even if you hadn't used the backup daycare. Without other proof, I wouldn't blame the daycare at all. Its developmental. Both of my girls had SA around that time and our DCP assured us it was normal.

[Dr C]

I agree that the head hitting and hair pulling are normal at this age and are not a red flag for autism (as long as they don't occur to the exclusion of other behaviors). In fact, I think that the fact that he seems to take delight in your reactions to his antics is a good sign that he is NOT autistic--because he cares what you think! But of course I don't have the whole story nor do I know your son... so certainly bring it up with your ped when you go in for his 12 month check up if you still have concerns at that point.

So sorry for you and your nanny and that I don't have any great ideas, other than suggest that you not try to sneak away from him, as this will only break his trust. Maybe playing peekaboo or simple hide and seek games might be a way to reassure him that you will be there even when you are out of sight. Or singing, etc, when you leave the room may reassure him that you are still around, even though out of sight. I hope (and suspect) that this separation anxiety is just a passing phase and will improve over time--it's certainly normal at this age.

[Nooknookmom]

I don't mean to make you feel bad at all. However, I think maybe it did have a "little" to do with being put into a strange place, without getting his feet wet.

Think about it from his pov-he's used to you and nanny, then gets transferred into a very strange environment, with new people, smells, sounds, etc.

I had to to something similar w/ DD1 and had a very similar reaction. Her regular sitter (who was like her 3rd grandma) was sick and I had to go to work that day. I had no choice but to leave her w/ someone she knew but she was never at her house, or with her alone, all day.

I freaked out at work all day worrying about her. Even though she was only 3 blocks away from me. I only did it once or twice b/c of how stressed out I was and how anxious she became.

Maybe you can take him over to the daycare and kind of ease him in, so if you have an emergency again, it won't feel so foreign?

As for the SI, baby steps. I had to ease her off of me again and let her know that I was coming back for her (even when I went potty!). I think she though I had left her for good.



Maybe you guys can take baby steps away from him

[L'sMommy]

Thanks for the responses. I hope this is something DS will grow out of. I do think that the day care experience contributed to this.