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jray
12-02-2009, 12:48 AM
Would it hurt your feelings if your brother was getting married, and only 1 of your kids was asked to be in the wedding? At the time of their wedding, I will have three kids (ages 6, 4, and 3). They only asked my 4 year old to be in the wedding with the bride's niece (also 4). I feel hurt for my oldest son...everyone will be walking down the aisle, grandma, mommy, daddy, aunts, uncles, and his brother. Won't he wonder why he and his sister are sitting in the pews? Who will they even sit with? I'm trying not to be hurt, but it's hard. What are your thoughts? Am I over reacting?

love_a_latte
12-02-2009, 12:59 AM
I would be OK if only one of my kids was invited to be in a wedding. There are certain roles to be filled, maid of honor, ring bearer, flower girl..., and it would be an honor to be chosen for one of those roles. I wouldn't expect anyone to make room for all my kids so that none would feel left out. Could you talk up how exciting it will be to watch DD walk down the isle? That is what we did this summer with DS when DD was in my sisters wedding.

citymama
12-02-2009, 01:00 AM
I guess you can't tell someone what to do for their wedding - it's your brother's big day first and foremost. But I would imagine your 6 yr old will feel bad if his younger sibling was in the wedding but not him. Is there a way you can talk to your brother about it gently? (i.e. not "this makes me feel bad" but "do you think DS could be part of the wedding? he'll feel left out.") If he doesn't want to budge, you might want to consider not having any of the kids "in" the wedding so none of them feels left out or hurt. Good luck - this stuff is tough!

Jenny_A
12-02-2009, 01:06 AM
Ummm... no, I don't think you're overreacting. I understand how and why you would feel that way. BUT, I would encourage you to take a step back, take a breath, and remember that this is their day. I'll bet they didn't even think that this would hurt yours or your children's feelings. They are selfishly thinking about what they want on their day... and I think that's okay. I doubt if they meant to leave the other children out. They just had a 4 year old on either side so that worked out nicely for them.

For my wedding I asked one cousin to be in the wedding and not her sister (both were adults). I honestly didn't even THINK about the sister. The cousing I chose fit the role I needed to fill so I asked her. It wasn't that I didn't love her sister... it just wasn't on my radar. Well, the sister got her feelings hurt. I found out and called to apologize. She was very short with me on the phone. I cried and cried. Shame on her... this was my time. It was my wedding day and I had a right to ask who I wanted to be in the wedding. A wedding day is all about the bride and groom. Let's face it... there are very few times you can be that self centered but I think a wedding is one of them.

I would not make a big deal about it to your son and daughter. Hopefully they won't think twice about it either. If they do, try to let them know that we just need to be excited and happy for the couple getting married.

Again, I DO understand why you are hurt! But, I don't think it was intentional.

Hope that helps!

Jenny_A
12-02-2009, 01:13 AM
I guess you can't tell someone what to do for their wedding - it's your brother's big day first and foremost. But I would imagine your 6 yr old will feel bad if his younger sibling was in the wedding but not him. Is there a way you can talk to your brother about it gently? (i.e. not "this makes me feel bad" but "do you think DS could be part of the wedding? he'll feel left out.") If he doesn't want to budge, you might want to consider not having any of the kids "in" the wedding so none of them feels left out or hurt. Good luck - this stuff is tough!

edited after rereading citymama's post :)

I disagree that you should talk to your brother or even take the kids out because some of them aren't in it. Even if you do broach the subject gently, I still feel like you're taking the focus off of them and making it about your kids. I would worry that it would cause stress for them and I'm sure you don't want that.

ha98ed14
12-02-2009, 01:14 AM
Since it is your brother's wedding, that implies to me that his future wife is making the decisions about who she wants to have in what roles. I would not ask them about it nor tell them you are hurt nor ask them to change it. It is her wedding and she should have it as she wants. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but this wedding is not about you/ your family. I think it might be different if it was your sister's wedding. Perhaps you could ask if you were close to her. In this case, telling your brtoher about it just puts him in an awkward position, caught between you and his future bride. That is a bad place to put a man. And if you say something to the bride, you will forever be that self absorbed sister in law who asked her to change her wedding for the sake of your kids. If you really think DS (or you/ your family) will be hurt by only one child being included, then thank them for the invitation and decline. You are free to decline.

jray
12-02-2009, 01:14 AM
Thanks, girls. It's just especially hard because my two oldest are my DS's who do EVERYTHING together. They are only 18 months apart, and it's just going to be weird to have one in a tux at the alter (with me, my husband, his aunt, and uncle) and have my other son in the pew...in a suit. Actually, my youngest two are 17 months apart and are really close, too. It's like asking one triplet to be a wedding, but not all 3! :)

My middle son is so excited to be in their wedding, but I just don't know now what to do with the other two, my DS and DD. Do I just leave them at home with my mom?

I know that brides have a "right" to do what they want with their weddings, but sometimes I think we allow them too much selfishness. Yes, it's their day, but there are a lot of emotions around weddings. When we hurt family members in the process, especially children, is it worth not rethinking? But I agree she probably just wasn't thinking about that, and thinking about how they would "fit" with her plans. I love my future SIL and we are close, so I know I just have to get over it. I would never let her know I'm upset...which is why I'm here...on an internet chat forum...at midnight. HA HA!

Jenny_A
12-02-2009, 01:26 AM
Is there something special the other two could do while you're at the wedding? Or a special family member or friend to spend the night with?

You're right, this IS tough!

jray
12-02-2009, 01:33 AM
I really appreciate your input. Honestly, I know my MIL will want the kids to be at the wedding...although I'll be the one stuck trying to rope them in all night. But if they aren't in the wedding, should I have to deal them all night?
How will I enjoy the wedding?

I like your idea of having them spend the night with a special friend that night. That is a GREAT idea. I definitely will keep that in mind. It's actually my BIL's wedding, just to add a level of craziness to the confusion. I'm an only child, so I'm not used to these family dynamics. When I got married, I didn't want kids at my wedding, so I get that aspect. I did want my nephews in the wedding though. I never even thought twice about it...but to each her own. :wink2:

Jenny_A
12-02-2009, 01:40 AM
I don't think you should have to bring your other 2 just because MIL wants them there. See, I'm all about the bride and groom, forget MIL ;) I think the other 2 would be fine to go off and do their own thing that day. I think you would enjoy the day more because A) you don't have to chase them around and B) you're not worried they are sitting on a pew feeling hurt. You'll know they're off with friends having fun!

goodnightmoon
12-02-2009, 03:09 AM
If your older son asks why he and your dd weren't asked, you could just explain that usually little kids (around a certain age) are asked. Your dd is a little too young and your older son isn't a little boy anymore...?

Melanie
12-02-2009, 04:09 AM
I understand as the selfish bride and groom to be (yes, I was one, too! Aren't most of them?) they may want to fill the "perfect" picture for their wedding.

However, if you thought your eldest, or any of your children, would feel hurt I'd just respectfully decline. If they ask why, I would be honest and objective doing your best not to get emotional or make it sound like you're trying to bully them into including all the kids. .

Good luck!

LexyLou
12-02-2009, 04:14 AM
Sigh, what a tough situation.

Yes, that would hurt my feelings and I think you have every right to have your feelings (for your children) hurt too.

But I agree with the others that you cant really do anything about it and it's their day and if that's what they want then it's not your place to put pressure on them or make them feel guilty but

it does kind of suck. I mean why the middle child? How will they feel years from now when looking at pictures of the wedding party. Will the other feel like the middle is their Uncle's favorite?

I get the whole they don't want 4 kids going down the aisle and it doesn't fit their theme but kids don't look at it that way and you're the grooms sister...

Crap, I want to tell you to be adult about it and let it go, but honestly, I'd probably just gently bring it up to my brother and get his thoughts. But we have a very open relationship like that.

How do you think he's react if you just kind of mention it?

TwinFoxes
12-02-2009, 05:06 AM
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but this wedding is not about you/ your family. I think it might be different if it was your sister's wedding. Perhaps you could ask if you were close to her. In this case, telling your brtoher about it just puts him in an awkward position, caught between you and his future bride. That is a bad place to put a man. And if you say something to the bride, you will forever be that self absorbed sister in law who asked her to change her wedding for the sake of your kids.

:yeahthat::yeahthat::yeahthat:

This is how in-laws end up not getting along for years. Like pp says, it's not about you. I don't even think she's being selfish. Look at how many people from your side of the family are in the wedding! You, DH, DS2. Maybe she has someone on her side the same age as your DS that she'd have to include too? She could have valid reasons other than selfishness.

My SIL got married and one nephew wasn't in her wedding, but her niece (jr bridesmaid) and youngest nephew (ring bearer) were. No one was hurt, and it certainly wasn't seen as a slight. (these are her sister's kids).

But I'm not one of those people who think that all siblings have to have the same things or it's not "fair". This could be a nice teachable moment. You could explain that not everybody gets to do everything. And if we get left out of something we act gracious. I really think if you ask, you will be getting off on the wrong foot with your SIL to be. I also think if you do decline on behalf of your DS, you are going to have to strive to do it in a non-passive aggressive way.

Also, I think if you don't show you're hurt, you'll greatly reduce the chances that your DS will be bothered. I doubt your son will know the difference between a tux and a suit :). You could always get him a bowtie instead of a straight tie, little boys look sooo cute in bowties!

I hope it all works out and your other DCs don't mind they're not in the wedding. :) Good luck!

Globetrotter
12-02-2009, 05:19 AM
Probably yes, but I would need to get over it because it is the bride's big day, after all. I'm sorry, it sucks but I think you should just go along with it to avoid drama for the bride, who is probably already strung out. I say this from experience :p

blisstwins
12-02-2009, 07:03 AM
I totally see where you are coming from, but agree that this is something you have to get over. They don't have children yet and the potential for hurt feelings probably did not cross their minds. I bet they think they are doing the opposite by being sure to include 1 4 year old from each side. Seriously, I bet they feel thoughtful and would be blindsided by your hurt feelings. I think you should not show your feelings to you children and try not to let them affect you in the least. Give your other two children a special something to keep them busy during the waiting around parts of the wedding to make them feel special, ask if you can get a family picture of the bride and groom with your 3 children and I bet it is OK. It is natural to feel protective of our children's feeling, but I don't think there is anything to be done here.

himom
12-02-2009, 07:32 AM
It's their wedding, yes, but it involves YOUR kids. They are the final authority on their wedding, and you are the final authority on your kids. If you truly feel like your other children will be hurt, just explain to the B&G that you don't feel that having your one child participate will work out well and leave it at that.

egoldber
12-02-2009, 07:34 AM
However, if you thought your eldest, or any of your children, would feel hurt I'd just respectfully decline.

I agree completely. While it is the bride and groom's day, that does not give them the right to overrule what you think is best for YOUR family. If this were to happen in my family (and I can easily imagine a situation where my older might be excluded in favor of the younger) I would just decline. My older would be devastated at not being included IF her younger sister were and she was not. The fallout from this would be loud and long in MY house long after the wedding was over.

No need to be rude, just a simple, oh I'm sorry, but I don't think he will be able to participate.

hellokitty
12-02-2009, 07:37 AM
I understand as the selfish bride and groom to be (yes, I was one, too! Aren't most of them?) they may want to fill the "perfect" picture for their wedding.

However, if you thought your eldest, or any of your children, would feel hurt I'd just respectfully decline. If they ask why, I would be honest and objective doing your best not to get emotional or make it sound like you're trying to bully them into including all the kids. .

Good luck!:yeahthat:

I was in a similar situation a few months ago. My best friend wanted DS1 to be in her wedding (I was her MOH), but did not invite DS2. I didn't say anything to her about how upsetting it would be to DS2 (who is only 18 mo younger) to not be included. Like the OP's son, they do everything together, b/c they are so close in age. She did the same thing to the other bridesmaid. Wanted her DD1 to be in the wedding, but not DD2. It did not work out for either of us, the other BM's dd didn't end up wanting to be in the wedding (at least that is the excuse they gave the bride) and for me I just told the bride that since her wedding was so late in the day (ceremony STARTED at 6pm), I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to have DS1 there when I couldn't guarantee his behavior when it was getting late (this is actually true) and I also mentioned to her that it would just be easier NOT to have any children in her wedding party, b/c it is a lot of work, esp not being sure if kids will behave themselves or not. She ended up realizing that I was right and had no kids in her wedding (she was not inviting kids to her wedding or reception anyway, the only child was my newborn, b/c he's BFing) and I was relieved not to have to be in the situation where one child would be upset not to be included and also not being sure if DS1 would be the one to ruin her wedding if he misbehaved if he were the ringbearer.

klwa
12-02-2009, 07:56 AM
DS has been asked to be in DBIL's wedding next November and not DD, and it doesn't bother me. (I will ask if they want me to get a dressy dress to possibly match any FG they have in the wedding, since I'm assuming it'll be one or both of my nieces, for DD for any family pictures they want done.) BUT, I'm not in the wedding, so DD will be with me. Really wouldn't know what to do with her if I was in the ceremony. Because I'd feel like she SHOULD be there if they're wanting other kids there.... Are your parents being invited? (We invited DSILs' parents when we got married years ago.) If so, maybe DC could be with them?

heatherlynn
12-02-2009, 08:15 AM
But I'm not one of those people who think that all siblings have to have the same things or it's not "fair". This could be a nice teachable moment. You could explain that not everybody gets to do everything. And if we get left out of something we act gracious.

:yeahthat:

WatchingThemGrow
12-02-2009, 08:38 AM
My three are as close as yours (you need to share tips with me :) ) and I feel like what Twin Foxes said above about the teachable moment and that all three won't be able to do all the same things. In fact, I would rather just have one of my DC in a wedding as it is pretty stressful from what I gathered.

As for the other two, I think they should be there. Is there anyone who could take them under their wing during the time you're involved in your duties? If there isn't a natural go-to person, you could gently ask your fSIL if she has any friends/relatives who would be able to oversee them during the events. My guess is that there is or she'll think about a way to include them.

Melaine
12-02-2009, 08:50 AM
I understand why it might make you a little hurt but ITA with pps that it would be inappropriate to bring this up to the couple. I also agree with TwinFoxes who said that she was probably trying to include your family by having one of the children in the wedding. I understand why you might want to decline the invitation but I would also vote to accept it and work on making the wedding a big deal for the whole family. I would probably also include all the kids on the Big Day.
Now, if one of my twins was asked to be in a wedding I would probably totally change my tune here, but this is theoretically what I would do in the situation!

Clarity
12-02-2009, 09:41 AM
If your older son asks why he and your dd weren't asked, you could just explain that usually little kids (around a certain age) are asked. Your dd is a little too young and your older son isn't a little boy anymore...?

:yeahthat:

hillview
12-02-2009, 09:53 AM
I can understand why this stinks :)

That said I wouldn't say anything. I'd as DB if having your other kids there is important or if it is easier not to have noisy kids in the church at the time. I wouldn't want to be seen as pulling my kids from his wedding etc if he wants them there. Either way I'd find some things to make it special for them (maybe they are in charge of making a photo collage etc or get to wrap the wedding gift and color the paper or something like that).

Hugs!
/hillary

ezcc
12-02-2009, 09:55 AM
This is a toughie for sure. I think I might ask if I could not be in the wedding, and then you can sit with your other 2 children. I'm not sure if you meant that you are a bridesmaid, but to me that is kind of a pain (esp if it involves getting a dress, extra events). If you don't think that would cause a stir, that's what I would do. It does seem odd to just have your 2 children left out, but if dh and one son are in it and you and the other kids are watching??? Just one more thought-

mousemom
12-02-2009, 10:16 AM
However, if you thought your eldest, or any of your children, would feel hurt I'd just respectfully decline. If they ask why, I would be honest and objective doing your best not to get emotional or make it sound like you're trying to bully them into including all the kids. .

:yeahthat: Personally, in this situation I think I would decline and just not have any of the kids participate in the ceremony. My nieces are very close in age, and I would never have asked only one to participate in my wedding for this reason.

Mommy_Again
12-02-2009, 10:21 AM
Not having kids, I bet your BIL and SIL to be don't even realize the potential implications of not including all the siblings - they are just excited about their wedding and thought it worked great that they have a flower girl and ring bearer of the same age. Have you told your eldest of the situation? He might be fine with it. I'm all about the teachable moment per a pp. If not, perhaps you could ask if your eldest could have a special job at the ceremony, like maybe handing out the programs or acting as a junior usher. I'm guessing your 3 year old probably won't even know the difference?

I've had a couple of sibling weddings with my kids in tow - and I highly recommend hiring a sitter to bring with you to the wedding. When we've done this, usually the reception site has a small room you can set the kids up in with the sitter, a portable DVD player and some sleeping bags (bring pajamas for them to change into). You can order (and offer to pay for yourself) food for the kids and sitter (chicken fingers, etc). This way the kids can enjoy the experience of the wedding and reception, but once they get bored after the first dance, the sitter can retreat with them to the kiddie room. You can enjoy yourself throughout, and have someone there to ensure your little angels aren't streaking naked across the dance floor :) And I'm sure the bride would appreciate the thoughtfulness you have in trying to accomodate little ones on her special night.

carolinamama
12-02-2009, 10:24 AM
I approach weddings that it is a day for the bride and groom and they get to do whatever they want. Would it hurt my feelings? Probably. But they aren't trying to leave your other kids out and since they don't have any of their own, they seriously don't realize all the feelings that go with having them. I have to keep my feelings in check constantly in our family since we have the only grandkids. My sister and bil can only deal with my kids in limited doses and then want to go off and do adult only activities. They just don't understand why we would want to include our kids in most of our activities. So we miss out on some dinners and such when they aren't willing to change their plans.

I'm sure you've already gotten great advice and I haven't read through all the responses, but maybe you can take the chance to make this day a special occasion for your 4 yo and the other kids have their own special day down the road, or even before the wedding.

wellyes
12-02-2009, 10:25 AM
I'll go against the grain on this one. I think it's nice that they included your child in their wedding, period. I'm so glad I eloped. I don't mean to be offensive or anything, I just read so many etiquette columns on stuff like this (I like Indiebride's) and I've come to the conclusion that it's impossible to have a wedding without stepping on toes, and even inclusive gestures like this one backfire.

egoldber
12-02-2009, 10:34 AM
I approach weddings that it is a day for the bride and groom and they get to do whatever they want.

I guess my issue is that I fundamentally disagree with this premise LOL! I don't think weddings are just about what the bride and groom want. They are part of a family and as such, need to think about that family. (I get that there are families that are highly dysfunctional and unreasonable, but I mean the average quirky family. ;) ) But I know that there are two HIGHLY divergent schools of thought on this.

Personally, I would have been mortified to discover that I had made family or friends uncomfortable or burdened by my requests. That is something I would have wanted to know.

But we got married when we were very young and didn't have any money, so that made things much easier in many ways.

mommylamb
12-02-2009, 10:37 AM
I also disagree with the vast majority of the posters here. I think the whole concept of "this is there day so they can do anything they want" sometimes is an excuse for acting inappropriately. If I were that bride, I would want to accomodate your other children. There is no reason why the it's your day mentality should allow children to have their feelings hurt. In your shoes, I think I would politely ask if the other two kids could just walk down the aisle too (especially since you and your husband are in the wedding party). If they said no, I think I'd decline entirely too.

I had a small wedding party. My sister (my only sister) was my maid of honor and my sister in law was DH's best person (the only one of DH's siblings to attend the wedding-- he's from England, and isn't very close to the other two, so they didn't make the trip). I had three cousins who were children at the time, and all of them walked down the aisle. They did not have a specific roll, but I would never have dreamed of asking one and not the others.

ETA: Years ago when my uncle and aunt got married, all of the sister in laws except my mother were bridesmaids, and my mother has always thought that the reason she wasn't invited to be part of the wedding party (my father was the best man) was that she was overweight. It was incredibly hurtful to her, and while I love my aunt, it was very wrong of her to slight my mother that way.

DebbieJ
12-02-2009, 10:38 AM
It would not hurt my feelings. I would be glad to save the money on tux rental/dresses. Being in a wedding is expensive!

DS1 and I were in my sister's wedding and I shelled out almost $300 on my dress and his tux. ugh!

JBaxter
12-02-2009, 10:48 AM
I wouldnt say anything. THey asked your DS2 probably because of the age. It is their wedding you can accept or decline. If you decline you will hurt DS2's feelings If you accept then you hurt DS1's feelings.

Everything in life will not be equal. I know that sounds harsh but like going to school playing a sport etc. This is something DS2 gets to do.

Its evadently something that the bride and groom have thought about ( ring bearer & flower girl).

bubbaray
12-02-2009, 11:24 AM
However, if you thought your eldest, or any of your children, would feel hurt I'd just respectfully decline. If they ask why, I would be honest and objective doing your best not to get emotional or make it sound like you're trying to bully them into including all the kids. .



:yeahthat:

I think your job as a parent, as opposed to as a sister, is to protect your children and your family unit. It sounds like having your middle child participate in the wedding will cause problems amongst your children and for that reason I would not allow any of the children to participate. If they are older and you can explain things rationally to them, that is different, but given the ages I really thing this is a recipe for disaster.

I wouldn't go to the bride and/or groom and ask them to change their plans. I would just say that having middle son only at the wedding doesn't work for your children and leave it at that.

khm
12-02-2009, 11:48 AM
Could you rent them all tuxes so they all feel special?

I think they just picked the children that are the same ages. Next time, it could be another child who is asked for another wedding. It's life.

I was a flowergirl when I was 5 or so. My sister was one at the next wedding.

Weddings can be a lot of fun for the kids (dancing, food, cake, punch, tons of family/other kids) there's so much going on that the difference in ONE aspect (walking down the isle) might not ping their radar as much as we think it might.

Let the other 2 have something special to hold/distract during the ceremony and move on to the reception. After the ceremony, they'll all be dolled up and together. Heck, they probably wouldn't even notice the difference between the suit and the tux. :)

TwinFoxes
12-02-2009, 12:01 PM
I just want to clarify that I don't believe in the whole "it's my day" mentality (all of my DHs siblings, and his BIL who I'd never met were invited by me to be in our wedding. DH couldn't have cared less!) But I just don't think asking someone to include two additional children in their wedding party is the way to foster a good relationship. You'd pretty much be demanding that your entire family be in the wedding. I can just see this rubbing the bride the wrong way. (And imagine if one of them has a melt down after you insist they be in the wedding!)


:yeahthat:
I wouldn't go to the bride and/or groom and ask them to change their plans. I would just say that having middle son only at the wedding doesn't work for your children and leave it at that.

I think this is really good advice. But I would only do this after I tested the waters with DS1. He might be fine with not being in the wedding. It would be a shame to have DS2 lose out on an experience only to find out DS1 wouldn't have cared.

MamaMolly
12-02-2009, 12:05 PM
IMO there is a difference between self centered and selfish. I think this is a situation where the bride and groom are imagining their perfect wedding photos where everyone from the wedding party matches up, which is why she chose the 4 year old. I bet they don't have kids and really didn't give it another thought. The slight is there, but not intended.

For the OP, just as a curiosity, would this bother you so much if it were the older one getting to do it and not the younger? With DD2 on the way I wonder if there is that generally accepted feeling that there will be things that the oldest gets to do sometimes that the younger doesn't, but that it is harder to accept going in the opposite direction. Not trying to argue or bait, really it just crossed my mind so I thought I'd ask...

bubbaray
12-02-2009, 12:09 PM
With DD2 on the way I wonder if there is that generally accepted feeling that there will be things that the oldest gets to do sometimes that the younger doesn't, but that it is harder to accept going in the opposite direction.


That is exactly why this situation is problematic IMO. You can tell a younger child that when they are older, they can do special things (perform on stage, go to school, etc). You can't tell an older child "when you are smaller", KWIM?

carolinamama
12-02-2009, 12:10 PM
For the OP, just as a curiosity, would this bother you so much if it were the older one getting to do it and not the younger? With DD2 on the way I wonder if there is that generally accepted feeling that there will be things that the oldest gets to do sometimes that the younger doesn't, but that it is harder to accept going in the opposite direction. Not trying to argue or bait, really it just crossed my mind so I thought I'd ask...

Very good point. I know there are lots of things that DS1 gets to do that DS2 doesn't because he is older. I can see it carrying over when DS2 is bigger too. Wonder if lots of us feel this way without even realizing it. I think I can count myself in that category.

Ceepa
12-02-2009, 12:15 PM
I agree that this is a treachable moment. DH and I are huge into treating our children fairly but also teaching them that each one can have an event, an item, a memory that is different than the other's and it doesn't mean there is no value or even lesser value involved. Life is long and it isn't level, we personally believe our DC are better for learning that they can find contenment in something that may appear different from a sibling's, friend's, neighbor's and be happy for another's joy, too. I won't lie: it is a TOUGH life lesson to teach small children but one that is important to us to gently introduce.

sste
12-02-2009, 12:16 PM
I can understand not inviting your four young children PLUS other young relatives, probably leading to grand total of 6-10 (??) children under the age of six. To have a half dozen or more young children doing anything there needs to an adult/teacher, possibly multiple adults, guiding them. Who serves that role in the wedding? In my wedding, I decided not to have kids because we could not include everyone - - I had visions of myself leaving the groom at the altar to go herd a large group of preschoolers and recover the ring!!

Anyway, I would not be offended or hurt. But, I also think it is not a big deal if you decide to decline on behalf of the invited DC. I would *probably* let just one DC participate but that is based on my DS being very, very easygoing and my hope that my future DC will be like that too!

AnnieW625
12-02-2009, 12:19 PM
I guess my issue is that I fundamentally disagree with this premise LOL! I don't think weddings are just about what the bride and groom want. They are part of a family and as such, need to think about that family. (I get that there are families that are highly dysfunctional and unreasonable, but I mean the average quirky family. ;) ) But I know that there are two HIGHLY divergent schools of thought on this.

Personally, I would have been mortified to discover that I had made family or friends uncomfortable or burdened by my requests. That is something I would have wanted to know.

But we got married when we were very young and didn't have any money, so that made things much easier in many ways.

I really agree with this statement. I come from a family where kids are always included at weddings. Since having DD we've been invited to two weddings that have been no kids one for a cousin, and one of my best friends. The first one was when DD was two months old and I offered to sit in the back of the church with DD and then keep her quiet for the reception, well the MOB said absolutely no children (bride has issues with some of her first cousins' kids so she didn't want them there so if we showed up it would've looked like favoritism, I guess). I ended up staying home with DD and it was fine. The one for my best friend really caught me off gaurd, but her sister (also my very good friend, and MOH at my wedding) set up a sitter for her 6 mos. old daughter, her 4 yo nephew, and my daughter who was almost 3 at the time. I asked if I could bring DD to church (before dropping her off w/the sitter who was bringing the other kids to the church for family photos) and sit in the very last row and I was told "no" I was a little irritated because my daughter is actually a baptized Catholic (bride is not, but groom+family are). DD didn't handle the sitter well and the baby's father prematurely told me to get over to the sitters room for DD because she wouldn't stop crying (it was the new father in him) and I ended up missing most of the wedding. I was really sad about that and wish I would've left DD with her godparents at home (wedding was 350 miles from home) for the weekend. My friend would be horrified like Beth said if that ever came out so it's just water under the bridge.

Now back to original post and my thoughts:

Since it is your brother's wedding, that implies to me that his future wife is making the decisions about who she wants to have in what roles. I would not ask them about it nor tell them you are hurt nor ask them to change it. It is her wedding and she should have it as she wants. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but this wedding is not about you/ your family. I think it might be different if it was your sister's wedding. Perhaps you could ask if you were close to her. In this case, telling your brtoher about it just puts him in an awkward position, caught between you and his future bride. That is a bad place to put a man. And if you say something to the bride, you will forever be that self absorbed sister in law who asked her to change her wedding for the sake of your kids. If you really think DS (or you/ your family) will be hurt by only one child being included, then thank them for the invitation and decline. You are free to decline.

:yeahthat: I think that's nice that your DD was asked to be in the wedding. I think it's a nice compliment to have two 4 yr. old girls in the wedding. As an example we never thought to have a ring bearer at our wedding and I had a 6 year old cousin at the time who could've easily done the job. Now his older 11 year old sister had mentioned to my Grandma once the previous year that the she always wanted to be a flower girl at a wedding. My mom or Grandma happened to mention it to me and I thought it was a no brainer to not have her in our wedding. The parents weren't hurt that we didn't ask the nephew to be in the wedding and the nephew wasn't looking for any additional attention at either the rehearsal or the wedding/reception. (FWIW, on my mom's side of the family I have 10 other cousins and couldn't ask all of them to be in the wedding; I have three cousins on my dad's side and didn't ask them to be in the wedding either; you really have to pick and choose!). My six year old cousin was the youngest person at our wedding, but we've been to weddings where sugared up kids rule the dance floor and it's really entertaining.

On a side note I have learned to take weddings/wedding parties with a grain of salt. I am the only one of my close friends from my wedding who has never been a bridesmaid, and probably will only be one for my siblings weddings (when and if they ever marry). My two best friends who I had in my wedding didn't ask me to the be in their wedding. They both have millions of really good friends and since they are sisters just opted to have one another as their maids of honor.

Now if the wedding is a late afternoon/evening event I would suggest that you hire a sitter to watch your children for the post cake portion of the reception. Sure it will cost you more money, but I can't see your four year old lasting much longer than that even if she is in the wedding party. That way you and your DH can have a great time and know that your kids are with a sitter (they know) and having an equally good time.

jellibeans
12-02-2009, 12:22 PM
I think that it depends on your relationship with your brother. If it were my brother, then yes, I would be hurt because we are very close. But, maybe they were trying to include atleast one of the kids? How many neices and nephews are on the brides side? Maybe they could only ask one on each side or it would turn into romper room. If that is the case, I would have expected my brother to come to me and tell me the situation "We don't want to have 3 ring bearers and 5 flower girls."

mominmarch
12-02-2009, 12:23 PM
When I got married 5 years ago, we didn't include one of my nieces (we included the older child who was 5, but not the younger child who was 2.5) b/c we thought that she was too young to walk down the aisle. And actually, in all honesty, I really regretted it when the time came to it. At the rehearsal, the younger child just sat in a pew looking really sad b/c she wasn't included. I also didn't get her a gift like I did for everyone else in the wedding, and I regret that too. She didn't throw a tantrum, but she was really really sad not to be included. And honestly, I wish that someone had pointed that out to me ahead of time, b/c I really would have included her in it if I was thinking outside of my bubble for a minute. I have a lot of pictures of me dancing with her at the reception and they are kind of a reminder to me that I was selfish. No one ever said it, but as I was rehearsing, I just kept seeing her sad face.

On the boy front though, we did include all 3 of our nephews and one of them we made the "bell ringer" (b/c traditionally only 2 ring bearers). The bell ringer walked down the aisle first before anyone else, ringing a small dinner bell, it was a huge hit.

So I don't really have any advise on what to say to your family, but I just wanted to say that I really do regret my own choice here.

bigpassport
12-02-2009, 12:30 PM
I agree that its your brother and future SIL's choice about how to structure their wedding party (not so much that its their special day and they can do whatever they want, but they have a lot of desires and logistics to satisfy and this is what they have come up with). You have received an invitation, it would be ungracious and potentially rift-causing to decline. I also don't think its our job as parents to try to prevent our children from any perceived potential disappointment. I agree with PP about this being a teachable moment. I loved the suggestions about having DS1 wear a tux like DS2, and asking if DS1 could have a special job like handing out programs.

Finally, as a matter of perspective, maybe you could spin it to DS1 that he is LUCKY he doesn't HAVE TO be in the wedding. DS2 will have to do a lot of standing and waiting and everyone will be watching him. DS2 is the one who is being inconvenienced, not DS1. At the very least, I would try not to inadvertently transfer my disappointment to DS1.

bluestar2
12-02-2009, 12:32 PM
I can understand not inviting your four young children PLUS other young relatives, probably leading to grand total of 6-10 (??) children under the age of six. To have a half dozen or more young children doing anything there needs to an adult/teacher, possibly multiple adults, guiding them. Who serves that role in the wedding? In my wedding, I decided not to have kids because we could not include everyone - - I had visions of myself leaving the groom at the altar to go herd a large group of preschoolers and recover the ring!!

Anyway, I would not be offended or hurt. But, I also think it is not a big deal if you decide to decline on behalf of the invited DC. I would *probably* let just one DC participate but that is based on my DS being very, very easygoing and my hope that my future DC will be like that too!

:yeahthat:

egoldber
12-02-2009, 02:08 PM
I think my main objection to this partiuclar situation is that practically the whole family is IN the wedding. Mom, dad, grandparents and younger sister. The ONE kid who is really old enough to "get" and remember that they are being excluded is the 6 year old.

I would NEVER mention it to the bride directly unless I felt we had that kind of relationship, but respectfully declining the invite is a perfectly acceptable response. How is it not appropriate for a parent to decide that their child should not participate in an event?


but as I was rehearsing, I just kept seeing her sad face

This is exactly what I can imagine with my own kid. Not that she would have a fit or a tantrum, but it would just make her incredibly sad. IMO there are plenty of teachable moments that cannot be avoided. I don't see why I wouldn't want to avoid one that could easily taint how my child views a new family member for a very long time. And honestly, *I* would not be happy or comfortable at the wedding knowing that my older child was that miserable.

m448
12-02-2009, 02:20 PM
I think my main objection to this partiuclar situation is that practically the whole family is IN the wedding. Mom, dad, grandparents and younger sister. The ONE kid who is really old enough to "get" and remember that they are being excluded is the 6 year old.

I would NEVER mention it to the bride directly unless I felt we had that kind of relationship, but respectfully declining the invite is a perfectly acceptable response. How is it not appropriate for a parent to decide that their child should not participate in an event?



This is exactly what I can imagine with my own kid. Not that she would have a fit or a tantrum, but it would just make her incredibly sad. IMO there are plenty of teachable moments that cannot be avoided. I don't see why I wouldn't want to avoid one that could easily taint how my child views a new family member for a very long time. And honestly, *I* would not be happy or comfortable at the wedding knowing that my older child was that miserable.

Agreed with this and your previous statement. BIL and future SIL have total jurisdiction over their wedding but hubby and I have jurisdiction over our kids. If I feel including one child is going to harm the sibling dynamic that I as a parent nurture 24/7 365 days a year then you bet I'm going to politely decline./

maestramommy
12-02-2009, 02:51 PM
I personally wouldn't be hurt, but I'd have something on hand for my older kid, either to do and/or to get for that day. Or I'd skip that and just give my older one extra attention, and have Dh supervise the one in the wedding party.

gatorsmom
12-02-2009, 02:58 PM
It wouldn't hurt my feelings AT ALL. In fact, I'd be thankful. That's one less tux to rent, or one less expensive, one-time-wear dress to buy. I'm actually surprised that more posters here would feel hurt about it.

Around our house, there is always one of the children who are doing something the other kids can't. Gator got to go on a school field trip that Cha cha didnt, Cha Cha usually goes with me to Target while Gator can't because he's in school, the twins get to do special things at ECFE that the older two can't, etc. Those situations will continue for the rest of their lives. I'm trying hard to teach them to be happy and excited for their siblings doing something special. And I remind them of the last time that they just did something special and unique (like the field trip or going to a friend's birthday party alone) that the others didn't get to do.

In this case, I'd especially not make this out to be a big deal. Frankly, the 4yo may not really enjoy doing this- it's not the type of activity that a 4yo dreams about, kwim? So, I'd just not discuss it much and if questions arise, I'd matter-of-factly say that Uncle Joe needs a 4yo only to help him with his wedding. I'd leave it at that.

g-mama
12-02-2009, 03:06 PM
Why must there be ONE ringbearer? Two of my dh's sisters have gotten married in the past two years and all of the nephews (my three and other sister's two = total of 5) walked, holding hands, down the aisle. It was beyond adorable. The oldest boy carried the pillow and the others all walked together. Neither of my SIL's would've dreamed of excluding one of her nephews. For what reason? Is it written somewhere that there is ONE ringbearer? Really??

lizzywednesday
12-02-2009, 03:10 PM
I had a bit of pressure put on me to consider putting my just-turned-3-year-old niece in my wedding when I married my DH. We'd already asked if it was OK to have the 4.5-year-old in the wedding as our flower girl and got the go-ahead almost immediately. (The fact that I've known my DH for pretty much his niece's entire life, and I am a big hit with her, probably helped cement the deal.)

Both children are adorable and I had no problem with it in theory, but, having witnessed a couple of meltdowns and knowing how shy the younger girl is, it didn't seem like a very good idea.

I discussed it (calmly) with my SIL asking what she thought ... and she was pretty much on the same page as I was because she knows her kids better than I do. (BIL was the one giving my DH a hard time, BTW.)

I lucked out: my niece didn't seem hurt or sad or anything at the rehearsal and, in fact, seemed much *more* shy that night because of all the new adults she'd been faced with, so I felt confident I'd made the right decision. She and I are pretty buddy-buddy by now anyway and I'm not 100% sure she even remembers much from the wedding!

HOWEVER, if my SIL (not BIL, as his perceptions of his children are drastically different from SIL's) had told me her DD would be up to the occasion, I would've gone with her judgment.

What I am hearing from this is not just the exclusion of your oldest DC, but also a lack of communication with you about all your DC and if they could have special roles in the ceremony too. Frankly, I'd be more hurt about the lack of communication than the lack of participation of my DC (then again, I am cheap and don't often want to spend extra $$ if I don't have to!)

If your oldest won't be welcome as, say, a ring bearer or what have you, could you suggest he be given a special job like handing out programs at the beginning or confetti/birdseed/bubbles at the end? (I asked my cousin Sarah, who was 11 at the time, to hand out programs to give her a special role in my wedding after having asked her older sister, Nora, to be a bridesmaid as a special treat for finally being a teenager! Of course, my cousins are poster-children for having children, so it's not often a fair comparison.)

♥ms.pacman♥
12-02-2009, 03:12 PM
Since it is your brother's wedding, that implies to me that his future wife is making the decisions about who she wants to have in what roles. I would not ask them about it nor tell them you are hurt nor ask them to change it. It is her wedding and she should have it as she wants. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but this wedding is not about you/ your family. I think it might be different if it was your sister's wedding. Perhaps you could ask if you were close to her. In this case, telling your brtoher about it just puts him in an awkward position, caught between you and his future bride. That is a bad place to put a man. And if you say something to the bride, you will forever be that self absorbed sister in law who asked her to change her wedding for the sake of your kids. If you really think DS (or you/ your family) will be hurt by only one child being included, then thank them for the invitation and decline. You are free to decline.

:yeahthat: i totally agree. it's perfectly ok to feel upset of course, but i definitely would not say anything to your brother or future SIL.

after planning my own wedding myself about 2 years ago, i realized i really have no right to raise issues at what any other family member or friend does at their own wedding; after going through it myself and helping friends with theirs, i've realized that planning a wedding (especially deciding who's invited, who's in the wedding party, etc) is HARD...to be honest, i hated that aspect of the wedding planning and was so glad when it was all over. Many times you have to make tough decisions due to budget/logistical concerns, and of course then after all that some family member inevitably gets upset for you not doing this or that, or for you not including this person or that person. What's unfortunate is that often times family members take these decisions really personally, when it's usually not the case at all. With weddings, there are so many people involved and so many logistical concerns that it's impossible to please everyone.

i'm sure your brother/future SIL had their reasons for doing what they did, unless there are other things going on (e.g. she's done other things to come off as a Bridezilla), i highly doubt they made their decision to intentionally offend or exclude anyone. like others said, if you really feel bad about it i would just politely decline the offer and have neither of your DS's in the wedding party.


I'll go against the grain on this one. I think it's nice that they included your child in their wedding, period. I'm so glad I eloped. I don't mean to be offensive or anything, I just read so many etiquette columns on stuff like this (I like Indiebride's) and I've come to the conclusion that it's impossible to have a wedding without stepping on toes, and even inclusive gestures like this one backfire.

i totally agree. this is the frustrating thing about weddings...honest, inclusive gestures often end up being perceived as offensive..if you think you're being nice about including one person in something, you get flak for not including this other person. *sigh* it's like that saying...you try to please everyone, but you end up pleasing no one. so true about weddings!

gatorsmom
12-02-2009, 03:22 PM
I'll go against the grain on this one. I think it's nice that they included your child in their wedding, period. I'm so glad I eloped. I don't mean to be offensive or anything, I just read so many etiquette columns on stuff like this (I like Indiebride's) and I've come to the conclusion that it's impossible to have a wedding without stepping on toes, and even inclusive gestures like this one backfire.

I'm with you on this one. I've gone back to read the responses here and I'm kind of surprised. The bride and groom are paying for this wedding. I'm sure they have specific reasons for doing things the way they want and everyone else is trying to change it based on what they think should be done! This is exactly why we eloped as well. My wedding day was relaxed and romantic. There was no drama or rushing. And I wan't dealing with anyone's hurt feelings after the fact.

brittone2
12-02-2009, 03:29 PM
We had two flowergirls (my nieces) and no ring bearer in our ceremony. That's just what worked for us.

I had nieces that were younger at the time but I don't think they were ready to be in the ceremony.

I understand where you are coming from, but I personally would not feel comfortable pressuring the bride/groom into changing their plans.

khm
12-02-2009, 04:07 PM
I know it seems like "everyone" else is involved, but surely they'll be other important, fun, distracting people for the others to be with...

I guess I've never been one to try and be super "fair". It does suck when one gets a birthday party invite, the other whines and is sad. I wouldn't want to hold them back from the parties for that reason though. The other just deals with it (usually with a meltdown!) then moves on.

I've helped each pick out a gift for the other when I've had them alone with me at Target. BOTH were excited, but immediately wanted to know why THEY didn't get a present, "it's not fair". Sigh.

Just last night, the kids got helium balloons. The 7 year old's blew away. She was so upset! The string just wasn't tied tight. She was mad at the place we got it from, she was mad her brother still had his, she was just plain sad to not have a freakin' balloon. Well, there were no more balloons at the event. So, it was gonna be an unfair night, unless we'd have let her brother's go too! ;)

Whatever you decide to do, I would try and let go of your hurt/anger/disappointment to your brother and his fiancee. I just do not think they mean anything callous by their choice. They simply matched up 4 year olds.

I can see where some posters are coming from if they have *super* sensitive kids and it will be a big big issue, but I think for us, we'd just make sure the other kids were well-distracted and with other fun non-wedding-party relatives and not stress about it.

Forgive me if I missed it, but would you feel differently if the older had been asked, but not the younger? What about if the older is asked in a few months and you say no to the middle now?

I would get them all three tuxes though, great photo op!

maestramommy
12-02-2009, 04:12 PM
I know it seems like "everyone" else is involved, but surely they'll be other important, fun, distracting people for the others to be with...

I guess I've never been one to try and be super "fair". It does suck when one gets a birthday party invite, the other whines and is sad. I wouldn't want to hold them back from the parties for that reason though. The other just deals with it (usually with a meltdown!) then moves on.

I've helped each pick out a gift for the other when I've had them alone with me at Target. BOTH were excited, but immediately wanted to know why THEY didn't get a present, "it's not fair". Sigh.

Just last night, the kids got helium balloons. The 7 year old's blew away. She was so upset! The string just wasn't tied tight. She was mad at the place we got it from, she was mad her brother still had his, she was just plain sad to not have a freakin' balloon. Well, there were no more balloons at the event. So, it was gonna be an unfair night, unless we'd have let her brother's go too! ;)

Whatever you decide to do, I would try and let go of your hurt/anger/disappointment to your brother and his fiancee. I just do not think they mean anything callous by their choice. They simply matched up 4 year olds.

I can see where some posters are coming from if they have *super* sensitive kids and it will be a big big issue, but I think for us, we'd just make sure the other kids were well-distracted and with other fun non-wedding-party relatives and not stress about it.

Forgive me if I missed it, but would you feel differently if the older had been asked, but not the younger? What about if the older is asked in a few months and you say no to the middle now?

I would get them all three tuxes though, great photo op!

I agree with all of this, esp. the part about very sensitive kids. IF the OP's older DS is super sensitive, and might take it very badly, I would think carefully about how I'd want to proceed. If I decided to decline the invitation, I'd play down the part about not having all my kids included. IMO, the bride and groom have enough stress to deal with without having more added. If OTOH, the OP's DS is not particularly sensitive, then I'd accept the invitation, and think about how to make that day fun for the kids who aren't in the wedding party. Renting tuxes for all three might be the way to go.

jenfromnj
12-02-2009, 04:44 PM
Agreed with this and your previous statement. BIL and future SIL have total jurisdiction over their wedding but hubby and I have jurisdiction over our kids. If I feel including one child is going to harm the sibling dynamic that I as a parent nurture 24/7 365 days a year then you bet I'm going to politely decline./

:yeahthat:

ITA with this! I understand that it's the bride and groom's day, but the fact that it's "their day" does not mean it's OK to cause issues among your children or, as a PP said, taint their view of their uncle/future aunt--these issues could potentially still simmer long after the wedding. I don't have a 6 yo yet, but I can imagine that 6 is old enough to feel "left out", esp since his parents and sibling are all involved. Of course they can do what they please with respect to their wedding and deciding who they'd like to be in it, but at the same time, they need to understand that you can do what you feel is best for your children.

saschalicks
12-02-2009, 04:53 PM
I totally have experience in this issue. My cousin and my brother got married 3 weeks apart. My cousin only asked my oldest to be in the wedding and I was touched. We had the kids all night and it was a NIGHTMARE. We had to leave early b/c they were so overtired.

My brother's wedding the kids were not asked to be in the wedding at all. My brother and SIL wanted them to be there the whole night. The location was less than 1 mile from our then apartment. DH & I decided early on that in order for us to enjoy the wedding we needed to take them home to a sitter. WE WERE SO GLAD WE DID THAT!!!! Although my brother was disappointed his nephews were not there he totally understood that us having a good time at his wedding trumped them being there.

ETA: at the time DS1 was 3 and DS2 was 18 mo. I do agree that now if my cousin's wedding was happening there is no way that whichever boy who was not in the wedding would not be extremely hurt. I think that declining is the right thing to do given the dynamics. I understand the closeness of brothers as my 2 are 18 mo apart and are exactly the same.

HannaAddict
12-02-2009, 05:14 PM
I'm with you on this one. I've gone back to read the responses here and I'm kind of surprised. The bride and groom are paying for this wedding. I'm sure they have specific reasons for doing things the way they want and everyone else is trying to change it based on what they think should be done! This is exactly why we eloped as well. My wedding day was relaxed and romantic. There was no drama or rushing. And I wan't dealing with anyone's hurt feelings after the fact.


Yeah that. I would not be upset at all. This is not a bridezilla problem. I don't understand how the bridge and groom can be called selfish, but it isn't considered selfish for someone else to suggest who should be in the wedding.

I have two children and totally understand how it could cause sadness, disappointment, etc. if one was in the wedding and the other was not. But I really don't think that is the wedding couple's problem, fault or "selfish" on their part to not include everyone. That said, if you really think it will ruin your other children's enjoyment of the day or truly hurt their feelings (not yours), then I think it is reasonable to decline for the the middle child with apologies to the wedding couple and still attend and enjoy yourselves. :) To me, it sounds like they had another four year old to pair up with and I don't see the problem.

I also would have eloped but my husband wanted to do the wedding and ultimately it was a great time and everything was great. FWIW, we had a no kids policy because of my BIL and SIL's total lack of parenting and fact they would have let their two kids run wild, and we had a night time, hotel, cocktail hour/dinner adult style wedding. We paid for it entirely. My SIL was upset and said we should have a daytime, outdoor wedding. Yeah, right. Since she had already had TWO weddings by this point, I figure she had her shot (she had another after). (Footnote, instead of her kids she brought her crazy sister we'd never met, who was not invited, along with the BIL, got rip roaring drunk and puked in my in-laws car on the way home. Classy huh!)

egoldber
12-02-2009, 08:00 PM
FWIW, I don't think most people who disagree with the bride and groom's choice on this thread said to say ANYTHING to the bride or groom, other than to politely decline.

kayte
12-02-2009, 08:05 PM
I understand as the selfish bride and groom to be (yes, I was one, too! Aren't most of them?) they may want to fill the "perfect" picture for their wedding.

However, if you thought your eldest, or any of your children, would feel hurt I'd just respectfully decline. If they ask why, I would be honest and objective doing your best not to get emotional or make it sound like you're trying to bully them into including all the kids. .

Good luck!

I agree.

You know your children best, If you know your oldest will be hurt, then decline the invitation for your 4 yo to be included. They may or may not ask you why... though I suspect they will have figured it out on your own.

While it might be their day, they can only ask for others to participate, you are not obligated to have your children hurt over it.

JBaxter
12-02-2009, 08:27 PM
I agree.

You know your children best, If you know your oldest will be hurt, then decline the invitation for your 4 yo to be included. They may or may not ask you why... though I suspect they will have figured it out on your own.

While it might be their day, they can only ask for others to participate, you are not obligated to have your children hurt over it.

She stated earlier that her 4 yr old is excited about being in the wedding SO if declining because the 6 yr old gets hurt feelings THEN hurts the 4 yr olds feelings Then if you tell him that its because uncle didnt ask 6 yr old that makes uncle look like the bad guy.

egoldber
12-02-2009, 08:35 PM
Then if you tell him that its because uncle didnt ask 6 yr old that makes uncle look like the bad guy.

But who would say it like that? I would say any number of things...

....it was too late
...it was at nap time
...it was at meal time
...all three kids will have much more fun at XYZ other activity instead

What if the issue was that OP was afraid her child would misbehave? Would she say that to him? She's find some other much more palatable thing to say instead.

wellyes
12-02-2009, 08:39 PM
FWIW, I don't think most people who disagree with the bride and groom's choice on this thread said to say ANYTHING to the bride or groom, other than to politely decline.

Declining to let the 4 year old participate due to potential sibling issues - I could see that. But declining to attend your brother's wedding is, to me, worse than saying something to the bride & groom... especially because the OP mentioned that she and her husband are in the wedding party as well.


I don't understand how the bridge and groom can be called selfish, but it isn't considered selfish for someone else to suggest who should be in the wedding.

That's a good point.


Whatever you decide to do, I would try and let go of your hurt/anger/disappointment to your brother and his fiancee. I just do not think they mean anything callous by their choice. They simply matched up 4 year olds.

I agree with this. People getting married make lots of decisions in a vacuum. There is so much advice out there and it's so expensive and there are family expectations and their own lifetime hopes and too many decisions to make. And they don't have kids.... people who aren't around kids day-to-day often just don't have a good perspective on stuff like this.

egoldber
12-02-2009, 08:46 PM
I never said or implied that the OP and her husband should not be in the wedding. I didn't see where anyone else suggested that either. Just that I think she is within her rights to opt her son out of the wedding party if it causes grief for her family.

Fairy
12-02-2009, 08:56 PM
I'll go against the grain on this one. I think it's nice that they included your child in their wedding, period. I'm so glad I eloped. I don't mean to be offensive or anything, I just read so many etiquette columns on stuff like this (I like Indiebride's) and I've come to the conclusion that it's impossible to have a wedding without stepping on toes, and even inclusive gestures like this one backfire.

I only made it to Page 3, but I'm really opinionated about weddings and children, and betweenthis post and TwinFoxes', I think they summed it up quite nicely. I see why you're a little hurt. But from a wedding point of view, there are only so many roles to go around, two sides of the family, several sides within each of those, and if you've got more than one kid, the likelihood is that someone's gonna have to hang out in the pew. An honor was extended to your one child, not to the slight of the others, but to the realistic availability of the roles and appropriate resources to fill them, so to speak. I'd accept and move on, or graciously decline, which is 100% valid and totally within reasonability for you depending on how your kiddos are gonna do as a unit. Not sure what you've got on the next four pages I haven't gotten to yet, but there are my additional two cents.

alexsmommy
12-02-2009, 08:56 PM
LOL.
This thread is a perfect example of why there is almost ALWAYS drama around weddings. Everyone has such a different viewpoint and approach.

I was pressured to do things I simply did not want for my wedding. I refused and I know there were some hurt feelings. Thankfully DH supported me and presented a united front (his sisters had their own ideas about what "should" happen and who "should" be included). I know one cousin did not attend because of it - but we moved past it in the end. I refused to get worked up. I took the attitude of "I generously invited you - you "generously" declined." No harm, no foul.

For me it comes down, bride and groom get to ask for what appeals to them/is best for them, you get to do what appeals to you/is best for you and your family.

egoldber
12-02-2009, 09:18 PM
I took the attitude of "I generously invited you - you "generously" declined." No harm, no foul.

Exactly.

And because that is too short....:bouncy:

jray
12-02-2009, 09:22 PM
Wow, ladies! Thank you so much for ALL your input. I had no clue I'd get this many people to weigh in, but I'm grateful for each and every opinion. :love-retry:

I was learning towards leaving my oldest (DS), and youngest (DD) at home with my mom and just taking middle (DS)...but then again I know how much fun my other kiddos would have dancing, etc. I guess I just need to wait it out and make a game-time decision based on my feelings at the time.

Right now, I'm just really hurt and don't want to make any decisions until I can work through my feelings. I'm not hurt for me, but for my oldest son and daughter. We're moms - we can't help it! ;) I may try to find a fun role for my oldest son to distract him (i.e. he loves photography, so he could take pics with a digital camera), but I'm mostly worried about the logistics of how to manage my baby girl and big boy when I'm IN the wedding...and so is everyone else who they know and trust. I know my oldest would be PERFECT. He would take his role very seriously. My daughter would be a cling-on to me, but she's probably going to do that anyway. I will keep you all posted. Thanks so much!

infocrazy
12-02-2009, 11:19 PM
I know you said Grandma is walking down the aisle, but I assume you mean she is being escorted down as part of the procession. Could your DS1 and DD walk with her? Maybe DS1 could even be her escort... then she'd be sitting in the pew right so they could sit with her.

From what you said, I don't think your SIL to be meant any hurt feelings, I think as someone else said she just paired 4 yo and probably thought she was doing the right thing honoring both sides... Maybe you could just tell her how excited everyone is about the wedding and can she think of anything special for your DS1 to do, maybe suggest the photography if she gets a deer in the headlights...

Could your mom come to just the ceremony and sit with your other two?

MoJo
12-03-2009, 08:22 AM
Could your mom come to just the ceremony and sit with your other two?
:yeahthat:

That's what I was wondering.

And depending on the bride's personality, she may be fine with letting the six year old have a special role. I would have been very happy to let your six year old help with any of the roles PPs have suggested, if you simply asked. But as a bride, with no kids of my own and very little experience with kids, it probably wouldn't have crossed my mind to offer something.

fivi2
12-03-2009, 11:10 AM
I know you said Grandma is walking down the aisle, but I assume you mean she is being escorted down as part of the procession. Could your DS1 and DD walk with her? Maybe DS1 could even be her escort... then she'd be sitting in the pew right so they could sit with her.

From what you said, I don't think your SIL to be meant any hurt feelings, I think as someone else said she just paired 4 yo and probably thought she was doing the right thing honoring both sides... Maybe you could just tell her how excited everyone is about the wedding and can she think of anything special for your DS1 to do, maybe suggest the photography if she gets a deer in the headlights...

Could your mom come to just the ceremony and sit with your other two?

This is sort of wht we did. We had a small casual wedding. The one nephew around ring bearer age walked the ring down to somebody (Can't remember! lol ) and then went to sit. His older brother (they were like 4 and 6 at the time) escorted my divorced mother down the aisle as part of the processional. They both sat with my mother. They both wore the same sweater and pants. AFAIK, no one's feelings were hurt!

MMMommy
12-03-2009, 11:23 AM
I only made it to Page 3, but I'm really opinionated about weddings and children, and betweenthis post and TwinFoxes', I think they summed it up quite nicely. I see why you're a little hurt. But from a wedding point of view, there are only so many roles to go around, two sides of the family, several sides within each of those, and if you've got more than one kid, the likelihood is that someone's gonna have to hang out in the pew. An honor was extended to your one child, not to the slight of the others, but to the realistic availability of the roles and appropriate resources to fill them, so to speak. I'd accept and move on, or graciously decline, which is 100% valid and totally within reasonability for you depending on how your kiddos are gonna do as a unit. Not sure what you've got on the next four pages I haven't gotten to yet, but there are my additional two cents.

:yeahthat: