How Big an Apology do I Need to Give?

[StantonHyde]

So I screwed up. Quick backstory--my mom died suddenly and unexpectedly 3.5 years ago. My dad, who always had a narcissitic personality disorder, actually got worse--he expected my brother and I to fulfill all of his random, arbitrary needs; he vilified my mother, and he has said some nasty things to me. I went through a good year and a half of grief counseling and go a couple times a year for 50K mile checkups. I have decided I will be the daughter I want to be. I limit visits to once a month (he comes here) and quick phone calls every week or so.

Thanksgiving Day--I do all sorts of stuff to bring down my stress level etc. I get to my brother's and start drinking. Too much. (my brother and his friends drink a lot of alcohol--they just hold their liquor better!) (FTR, this is not a common occurrence for me. Which is why I think I am disturbed by it.) When I get drunk, I tend to emote more--oh I love you....and I don't process information well--so I keep asking the same questions over and over. Like about why so and so got a divorce and why the dad in this couple stays home with his son. I am pretty sure I put people on the defensive and annoyed them!!

So the bottom line is that while I was trying to proactively dull my sensitivity to my dad, I managed to become the jerk and my dad (for once in his life) behaved well. The irony is way too rich.

I have an appointment with my therapist to discuss family, holidays, etc this Friday--clearly all this crap did not come out of nowhere! I talked to my husband. He thought I might have been annoying, but I wasn't a jerk. Do I call my brother and apologize? Profusely? Sort of? (DH doesn't think I need to but its bugging me.)

If you made it this far--thank you. Ugh, I hate when grief and family crap surfaces and I don't handle it well. This has been even more of a downer for me during the holidays and I need to get OVER it, get closure, etc. I just want to make sure I do the right thing.

Thanks!!!!!

[Jenny_A]

From your post, I think I would apologize. Everyone makes mistakes and we are all human. It would probably make you feel better, if nothing else! I don't know if I would do it profusely. You don't even know if it's bothering them as much as it is you.

Could you do it in a cute way? Send flowers with a note? Or a bottle of wine or liquor with a cute note attached to it? Maybe someone creative could chime in. I was thinking that a handwritten apology might be easier than over the phone. I don't know how that would be perceived though.

[MontrealMum]

Well, I wasn't there, but I honestly don't think you need to apologize. I mean, drinking a bit and being silly-tipsy and a little over-emotional/over-talkative is one thing. Being insulting and argumentative, or standing on furniture is another. And if your DH doesn't think it was a problem - and he was there - I don't think it was either. Of course, I come from a family that often drinks a "little too much" so I'm inclined to give people a bit of a pass on holidays, but I'd guess that even though your dad was well behaved on that one particular T-giving, your brother will probably overlook anything you did - and probably didn't even notice. How close are you two? Being the child of the same father, he's probably is more than willing to cut you some slack!

[Jenny_A]

Well, I wasn't there, but I honestly don't think you need to apologize. I mean, drinking a bit and being silly-tipsy and a little over-emotional/over-talkative is one thing. Being insulting and argumentative, or standing on furniture is another. And if your DH doesn't think it was a problem - and he was there - I don't think it was either. Of course, I come from a family that often drinks a "little too much" so I'm inclined to give people a bit of a pass on holidays, but I'd guess that even though your dad was well behaved on that one particular T-giving, your brother will probably overlook anything you did - and probably didn't even notice. How close are you two? Being the child of the same father, he's probably is more than willing to cut you some slack!

Ooooh, this was a better reply :) Can I take mine back? Yeah, don't apologize! Were you standing on any furniture :)?

[ha98ed14]

I think you could send an email apologizing and explaining what you said in your post. I think something sincere, short and that acknowledges responsibility for less than model behavior would be fine. I don't think you need to grovel or resort to self flagellation.

[StantonHyde]

Thank you ladies--I did sort of tell myself that I wasn't dancing on tables or puking in the sink (which they have had at other parties) so I certainly can't be the worts guest ever! I just don't like it when I misbehave--I did enough of the furniture dancing in my 20s!!!

I think an email would be a good idea. I don't want it to be a huge deal, really. But I would feel better if I said something.

It's odd. It's ok if my brother's friends do something outside the realm of good behavior, but it is not ok if his family does it. (we really are such an embarrassment to him--what with my physician husband and my MA degree. I just have different interests, am wayyyy more down to earth, etc. Mind you, he and his buddies all have a huge blowout party on the Saturday of Thanksgiving (site of said puking)--but we have never been invited.) Sigh--nothing like families to put the fun in dysfunctional...

[wellyes]

If I received an email like that I'd scratch my head over it. If it makes you feel better, go for it, but honestly being the overly tipsy relative at Thanksgiving dinner is not a crime. I'd say trust your DH on this one!

[Twoboos]

If you send the email, keep it short about this. Something like: "Thanks for hosting TDay. Hope I didn't annoy anyone after all the wine - what kind was it again? The turkey was great and I need the recipe for the pie."

[Seitvonzu]

i might shoot my brother an email, but mostly because of a past experience i had with him where he choose not to speak to me for over 3 months when he felt i "threw him under the bus" at a christmas function. i didn't even realize at the time what happened except that the day after it because a HUGE family drama. because of that, i'm a little sensitively proactive about diffusing family situations that can be even remotely perceived to be "my fault."

that said, i think your behavior was understandable and doesn't sound too bad to me. i've been to lots of functions where people, drinking or not, shot their mouths off and people basically just did an eyeroll and got past it.

do what YOU need to do for YOU. i don't think emailing would make your brother think "what is she talking about?" because he was there and probably heard your comments. even if he does think that, wouldn't he just write back and say "what are you talking about -- it's fine!" or something? i would if i got an email and didn't get it... of course, in DH family they wouldn't be that direct. so it kinda depends how you guys communicate. the only thing i see being awkward about emailing/calling would be if you never talk openly about stuff in general. that makes things more complicated.

good luck and please don't be hard on yourself. holidays can be really wonderful, but hard with all the family stuff. your situation sounds particularly tough and i think you're doing great!

[Happy 2B mommy]

I think you need to apologize to make YOU feel better. From what you've stated, I don't think your brother or anyone was insulted or offended. But, having grown up in a dysfunctional family myself and having pretty high expectations of myself, I find that it is easier for me to forgive myself and move on if I say sorry. I'd say something like "I'm sorry if I got annoying at the party. I had a bit too much to drink. I was having fun and hope that my behavior didn't upset anyone." There. Done. Allow yourself to move on.

[hillview]

I'd call my brother. I'd say thanks for having us and what a great time and maybe too good a time for you and you will be taking it easy and sorry if you got a little crazy. And leave it at that.
/hillary

[mommylamb]

I wouldn't email. I wouldn't want to put it in writing (I know, I'm crazy, but that's how I am). I think I'd call to say: Thanks for hosting. BTW, I'm a little embarrassed that I might have drunk a wee bit too much. Hope I wasn't too annoying. You know I love you.

[ThreeofUs]

Why not just touch base with your brother? Give a call, tell him how much you appreciate him hosting the party, and during the course of the conversation mention how embarrassed you are to have drunk a bit too much.

Doesn't have to be a big deal, right? Your DH thinks you were fine. But it seems like you need to make amends. A phone call (or a coffee visit) is the best way; but so is keeping it light.

[alexsmommy]

I have an appointment with my therapist to discuss family, holidays, etc this Friday--clearly all this crap did not come out of nowhere! I talked to my husband.



The therapist in me had to laugh. This has been my WEEK at work. My office mate and I keep passing each other and singing, "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" meaning all the family angst is in gear. I've had people in tears in my office that I've never seen cry all year over a six hour visit with their family.

As far as your brother, my guess is your DH is much more objective judge of what occured than you are because it's not his baggage. If he said you were fine, you were most likely, fine. Cut yourself some slack - you are not alone in getting carried away coping in whatever manner you can in anticipation of the stress.

[MamaMolly]

...while I was trying to proactively dull my sensitivity to my dad, I managed to become the jerk and my dad (for once in his life) behaved well. The irony is way too rich.

Go with humor. I would apologize by sending him a box of aspirin. In your note include something like the above on it. He knows what your dad is like, so he'll get it.

Sorry to say, but you guys sound like us! We like to say we put the *fun* in dysFUNctional :)

[bigpassport]

Perhaps you could give him a quick call with a simple apology. Men and women are different. Little things that bother women sometimes completely escape men. If when you apologize you hear in his voice that it was no big deal, you can stop apologizing. If you hear in his voice that it did bother him, have a little bigger apology script ready to go.

[mommy111]

Myself, I would call and have a conversation to the effect of:
Me: 'Jeff, thank you so much for the party, that was fun.'
Jeff: 'Yeah, glad you enjoyed it'
Me:'Hey Jeff, did I get really drunk? Was I totally embarrasisng?'
Jeff: 'I've seen worse'
Me: 'Well, I'm sorry. I'm feeling a little bad about the drunken-ness. Anyway, it was a great party. And it was good to see everyone again'
Jeff: 'Yeah'
Me: 'OK, we'll see you on Christmas Eve at our house, OK.'
Jeff: 'OK, see ya then'
Me: 'Bye'

[fivi2]

I wouldn't e-mail...
On the occasions where I feel I may have gone a touch overboard, I do what some pps have suggested. I call to talk about the party, the food, whatever. I mention my tipsiness and apologize. If they were to say, well, yeah, you pissed me off (never actually happened) I might follow that up with a more formal apology. If they laugh - I'd let it go.

I would trust your dh on this one. I tend to to super reserved irl, so if I let it go just a bit when tipsy, I get paranoid about it later. But really, I usually seem fine to others who aren't normally so reserved, iykwim.

[carolinamama]

I'd call my brother. I'd say thanks for having us and what a great time and maybe too good a time for you and you will be taking it easy and sorry if you got a little crazy. And leave it at that.
/hillary

:yeahthat:

[hellokitty]

I think you are being too hard on yourself. I empathize with your situation, b/c if my mother were to die, I would be in the same boat as you are with your relationship with your father and YES it would make me want to drink too! Like a few others had said, just give your brother a call to thank them for hosting you. I would not mention your behavior. I think that if your DH was there and did not think you were acting really obnoxious or anything, maybe you are just being self conscious of the way you acted and nobody else probably thought it was a big deal. I'm impressed though that at least your father behaved himself. I guess every once in a while when you are expecting the worst out of family members like this, they actually surprise you sometimes, instead of acting like their typical selves.

[StantonHyde]

The therapist in me had to laugh. This has been my WEEK at work. My office mate and I keep passing each other and singing, "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" meaning all the family angst is in gear. I've had people in tears in my office that I've never seen cry all year over a six hour visit with their family.

When the therapist called me back at 8 pm on Monday--I said that I had not expected to hear from her until Tuesday or Wednesday and joked "what do you expect calling a therapist the Monday after a huge family holiday?"

ah, the holidays--job security for mental health professionals. :D

(and just in case you professionals don't hear it enough--thank the good Lord above that you are there when we need you. There was actually a piece in the news about some guy who shot 4 family members at T-Day dinner. Without you, that could have been me--albeit on a lesser scale. :wink2:)