Would you give an apology to dh...even if you weren't that sorry?

[SnuggleBuggles]

Long...Last weekend we hosted a party and in that last hour before the party there was still a lot to do. I admit that some of the things on my to-do list were extraneous and we could have done a better job with time management all day. But, it's pretty typical for us to run around in that last hour. Dh *hates* that. The solution to that, imo, would be for him to do more work earlier in the day. If things aren't done though he needs to suck it up and get things done. He whines and says that he needs to take a 10 minute break before company comes so he can regroup physically.

I got really unhappy with him and we argued about what we should be doing. I was frustrated that he was sitting around wasting time. I was also upset with his priorities- streamers still needed to be hung yet he was slicing a big box of mushrooms for snacks as well as some other food prep which I didn't agree with.

I admit that I was not at my best. I could have been nicer and I dislike how snippy I got.

Today I was getting ready for another party and last night I had asked him to hang streamers. I was wrapped up in my projects and missed that he had not accomplished his streamer hanging. Last night he spent about 15 minutes helping me with prep...hardly a taxing effort. He watched tv and played video games the rest of the time. So, I snapped at him this morning. He basically told me to can it and that he was still uspet with me about Saturday.

I had gotten over Saturday's argument by Saturday evening! I feel like he wants an apology and I don't really feel that sorry. I feel like he was just as much of a problem as I was. If you made it this far, would you apologize just to clear the air? I feel like he would know it was insincere though. No idea how to handle it. Any thoughts?

Thanks!!
Beth

[lizzywednesday]

Let him pout and get it out of his system.

Then calm down yourself and get him alone, talk like a grownup and use lots of "I" sentences. ["I realize I acted poorly regarding our party, but I was frustrated at my perception of your behavior," etc.] You're not exactly apologizing, just clearing the air.

BTW, a similar situation happens with my DH all the time. It drives me out of my mind that he refuses to pick up anything but his own stuff (what he will do when our LO is messing up the house, I have no idea) or the fact that he will only do his own laundry ... and then b!tches about the way I do my own tasks. [It also drives me up the wall if he says we'll both clean up and he sits around watching TV while I'm working.]

[hillview]

I would acknowledge his feelings and clear the air. I might get into how you are feeling and how he is feeling and if there is another way you could do parties that would work for you both.

I would not apologize if you aren't sincere.
/hillary

[elektra]

Just wanted to say that DH and I ALWAYS get into a fight as we are prepping for a party. We host most of our large family gatherings so it happens every month to two months for us. DH always ends up snipping at me because I am not doing the tasks in the same order of priority that he has deemed most efficient. Did I mention that I am always the one having to watch the kids while I do my portion of things?
I end up telling him he can do it all himself if I am not doing it to his liking. And we are always each eyeballing each other to see if any breaks are taken, so that we can then accuse each other of not doing the work. It's madness! The same thing every time!
He usually ends up apologizing for being so agro and thanks me for watching the kids and doing my part etc.

So for us, the apology is necessary, but it's usually DH apologizing to me. I really am trying to do my part.
Next time maybe you could tell your DH exactly what he should do and the priority? Make a list or something?

[StantonHyde]

BTDT. I am the one prepping the food, while DH is running around putting everything that is not nailed down in a big bucket so nobody sees our stuff. They know us, they know our stuff--that is neatly piled on a side table in the kitchen.

My other thought is a saying a friend had on her fridge: "You can be right or you can be married." That has guided many an action of mine over the last 9 years. :heartbeat:

[niccig]

OMG, do we have he same DH. He does help get ready for a party, BUT his order of priorities is very different to mine. Mine is clean up, vaccum etc, his is to install a new operating system on the computer, because it will only take 30 mins. Since when had anything only taken 30 mins on the computer, it's always hours as something doesn't install properly. So, that day I went outside to the garden. He came out and asked why I was doing that as it wasn't necessary for the party, my reply was "and the new OS on the computer IS needed for the party?"

Anyway, what we try to do now is to sit down with a list of what needs to get down and we both do things on the list. I don't micromanage what he does, nor do I comment on how long something is taking him.

I would clear the air in a "I don't like that we're always so stressed before a party. I would like to try something different next time. Let's make a list the day before and both take jobs off the list and make a commitment to have it all done 1 hour before people arrive." In this scenario, I would not do things that DH didn't get around to doing. If he doesn't do it, it doesn't get done...so if that means DH doesn't put the soda in the cooler, well then he gets to drink warm soda. For the most part, we do get everything done, and our friends do understand if something was forgotten/not done..

[SnuggleBuggles]

We've done the list thing before with fairly good success. I think our fundamental problem is that I can't understand how he can sit and unwind before the party when there are a million things to do? In terms of hosting, especially for this party, all of his work was going to be done when the guests arrive except for to sit around, chat and mingle. Just get your stuff done, help me out and don't stress me out more than necessary. :) Not too much to ask! It'd appear that I need to cool off for a few days before talking to him... :)

Beth

[Moneypenny]

It seems that you acknowledge that you didn't behave as well as you could have, so I would apologize for that. Hopefully, he would be inspired by your good example and also apologize for not behaving as well as he could have. ;)

I think this is a situation where neither of you is right or wrong about the way to get ready for a party, you are just different. DH and I also have different ideas about the best way to do things and we have eventually fallen into a nice system of ignoring what the other one is doing and focusing on our own tasks.

[mominmarch]

This happens in our family all the time too. My husband also does thinks like dump all my paperwork from my desk into a big bin to get it out of sight, and would also decide to rewire some speakers an hour before a party instead of help me with stuff that had to be done in the kitchen. In fact, just reading these posts has firmed up my decision not to have the Christmas party that we were toying with having... because it would be me who would end up doing ALL the work and watching our toddler.

[ThreeofUs]

I wouldn't apologize so much as I'd sit down with him and clear the air.

[KpbS]

I would apologize since you feel like you could have interacted better and you know that he is hurt. This is a weakness of mine and (and pet peeve of DH's) and I am really trying to better and apologize when someone has been hurt--regardless of my intentions or perceptions.

[kcandz]

I wouldn't apologize so much as I'd sit down with him and clear the air.

This. Did he apologize to you yet? It goes both ways. An honest conversation about how to move forward positively would be better IMO.

[SnuggleBuggles]

This. Did he apologize to you yet? It goes both ways. An honest conversation about how to move forward positively would be better IMO.

He's not going to apologize. In his opinion, I was totally at fault and he was totally reasonable.

We rarely argue so we don't have the best skills at it. We are pretty good at communicating 99% of the time but I guess when hurt feelings are involved we could do better.

I guess it really took me by surprise that he is still upset. It's been 4 days after all!

Beth

[american_mama]

Your description of the problem is EXACTLY the same as what happens in my house. DH does little before a party, procrastinates with the TV and computer, ignores what I tell him to do, and then picks really minor/non-essential/non-sequential tasks as his "help." Don't even get me started on what happens with packing and getting the house straight before we go out of town. Last week, he swore up and down that it took HOURS to mate socks and was "really hard," thus preventing him from doing anything else.

I guess I need to read the responses too.

eta: After reading one of your other posts, I do have one comment to make in defense of your DH. I, with all my last minute whirlwinding, often take 30-60 minute to be a good hostess at my own parties, because I am so flustered and doing last minute things. DH is a very good host (albeit not helpful to me), talking with guests, relaxed, at ease. I can fantasize about the idea of a cool, collected 10 minutes before the party to feel calm and put your public face on, and I can see the benefit to the PARTY of your DH doing that.

[alexmommy]

Ugh this sounds frustrating. Perhaps, to open the lines of communication you could apologize for something along the lines of, "I'm sorry you feel ______", or, "I'm sorry I was ____ with you in ____ particular incident" rather than a blanket apology, but only if sincere. This might give him the opportunity to apologize for something specific too. You could also, as op's have said, say that "I felt ____ when you _____ ," then, " what can we do together to avoid this for our next party?" This puts you on the same page.

Maybe once you both have cooled down, you could discuss it and figure out a strategy together of how to avoid it next time. Such as, if he 'needs' 10 min before guests arrive as a cool-down period, then fine, whatever, schedule it in so you aren't surprised and expecting him to be useful. Are there things you can have done or do easier? Less decorating? More convenience/catered/made-at-the-grocery store food? Parties less frequently if they are stressful? What about a to-do list for each person that *includes* who is on-duty to watch the kids? As a SAHM, I know that many times my to-do list doesn't b/c of fussy/cranky/needy baby issues. At the end of the discussion, hopefully you both can agree that you are on the same team. Good luck! Relationship things can be tough.