Need Advice About An Incident at DD's Daycare

[eggnova]

Almost two weeks ago one of the teacher's in my daughter's Toddler room at daycare approached me in the hallway and asked me if she could borrow $10. It was an unusual request, and I didn't even have my purse with me, but I happened to have $15 in my pocket, so I gave her $10. She said she'd pay me back on Friday (payday, I assume?) but two Fridays have passed with no sign of the $10. Of course, I don't really care about the $10, and my initial thought was just to tell her to reinvest it back into the classroom, but the fact that she said to me, "Let's just keep this between us," makes me very uncomfortable in retrospect. I would have already reported her to the principal, but this particular teacher has the longest tenure in the school, and the principal has only been there a year. (The assistant principal - two weeks!) It's a franchised school, so I was thinking about mentioning this to the Director who is in charge of 5 schools in our area, but I'm still torn about what to do. I feel like a whistleblower and I don't want my daughter to suffer any ill treatment because of this. I don't think they would fire a long tenured teacher over $10 from a parent (who willingly gave it to her) so I feel like I'll have to deal with this woman for the duration of my child's preschool life - and then on to baby #2 who I was hoping to send there next year. She's only part time in my daughter's room, she has responsibilities the rest of the day that impact the whole school (food service.) And it makes me wonder - why wouldn't she ask another teacher, one of her colleagues? I did that recently, I forgot my purse one day and asked one of my employees if she would front me $ for lunch and I paid her back the next day. But I was clear about why I was asking for the $ (forgot purse.) This teacher just said she needed gas for her car. Um, I use a credit card if I'm low on cash and need to fuel up. There are only a few things I'm aware of that are strictly "cash" businesses... and I hate for my mind to wander that way... but it is. What would you do in my position? Any advice for how to handle this? Thanks in advance.

[boolady]

I would be extremely uncomfortable with a teacher at DD's daycare/preschool asking to borrow money from me. I think the director at her school would be furious if she found out a teacher was asking parents to borrow money-- what an uncomfortable position to put you in.

[hillview]

I'd write it off and not expect it back and not loan again. I wouldn't talk to the director. If you want the money back I'd mention to the teacher "when you get a chance, would you be able to get that $10 back to me -- holidays and all :)"
/hillary

[egoldber]

I would be extremely uncomfortable with a teacher at DD's daycare/preschool asking to borrow money from me. I think the director at her school would be furious if she found out a teacher was asking parents to borrow money-- what an uncomfortable position to put you in.

I agree, that was highly inappropriate.

[ha98ed14]

Since you have known her for so long and she has a good performance record at her job, I think you are safe to assume that she is not using the money for an all cash drug habit. There are those who may disagree, but I would give her the benefit of the doubt given that she has been there 10 years. If she had significant personal problem, I think it would have shown in her job performance.

These are really hard economic times for some people. If her SO lost a job, she really could have needed 10 dollars to get home. Some people do not the option to charge it on their credit cards because they have maxed out the ones they have and can't get new ones because they have such bad credit.

Unless you need the money back, I would let it go. It is such a small amount of money and this person does have a good performance record. I certainly would not say anything to a supervisor or director before asking the woman herself to pay you back. She probably asked you because she felt safe with you, so before you assume the worst and jepordize her job, I would ask her directly when she can pay you back. I think PP is right; I think they would fire her over something like this simply because it violates the boundaries between employee and consumer. Anyway, that's my personal opinion.

[eggnova]

Since you have known her for so long and she has a good performance record at her job, I think you are safe to assume that she is not using the money for an all cash drug habit. There are those who may disagree, but I would give her the benefit of the doubt given that she has been there 10 years. If she had significant personal problem, I think it would have shown in her job performance.

These are really hard economic times for some people. If her SO lost a job, she really could have needed 10 dollars to get home. Some people do not the option to charge it on their credit cards because they have maxed out the ones they have and can't get new ones because they have such bad credit.

Unless you need the money back, I would let it go. It is such a small amount of money and this person does have a good performance record. I certainly would not say anything to a supervisor or director before asking the woman herself to pay you back. She probably asked you because she felt safe with you, so before you assume the worst and jepordize her job, I would ask her directly when she can pay you back. I think PP is right; I think they would fire her over something like this simply because it violates the boundaries between employee and consumer. Anyway, that's my personal opinion.
Thanks, ha98, for offering another perspective. The thing I'm not clear about is if she does have a good performance record at her job. I haven't known her long at all, I just know she's been there a while. There are actually signs that she does not have a great performance history, despite her tenure. (She was previously the ass't principal and was not promoted when the principal job opened up, instead she was demoted.) But this is all conjecture on my part - it could have been her choice to step down. I definitely don't need the $10 back but I do feel taken advantage of - did she ask me b/c she assumed I am nice or because she assumed I wouldn't say anything? And I AM nice - I don't want her to lose her job if it's a small matter. Are there other angles I am missing here?

[boolady]

I don't know that I'd report her...I just find it really odd behavior for someone who has been teaching for that many years. I understand people need money right now, I just think it would have been far more appropriate to seek it from a co-worker or friend.

[infocrazy]

I was on a job site and we went to lunch directly from there. I didn't drive and when we got to the restaurant, I realized that my wallet was in my car...back at the job site. My friend just covered me. It took me at LEAST a week to pay her back because I charge everything and just kept forgetting to get cash...

Anyway, my point is that she may have had a good reason for needing money. Cash is really the only thing she could have borrowed. I'm sure the between us comment was because her boss would be pretty upset to hear she was asking parents for money. I'd probably just let it go and hope she brings it in. Lesson learned for next time.

ETA: I do agree it was odd she didn't borrow from coworkers/friends.

[egoldber]

I understand people need money right now, I just think it would have been far more appropriate to seek it from a co-worker or friend.

Exactly. I totally get not having money for some reason or other, but would you ask a random parent of a child at your center or would you ask a friend and colleague? That just seems odd to me.

[JustMe]

Although I think it is odd, inappropriate, and would make me uncomfortable I would write both the incident and the money off as long as nothing further happens on her part. It certainly is poor judgment on her part, but I have learned that some people just really don't know that certain things are inappropriate....may or may not be the case with her...Anyway, as long as she didn't ask me for more money or do anything else that made me feel uncomfortable/doubt her judgement, I would just let it go..I agree I would not really want her to lose her job, or even get in trouble for a higher up, over this...who knows what they are like. If you see her doing anything inappropriate in the classroom or if she does this again or something else inappropriate with you, then I would think about taking some action

Also, one more thing, having had my daughter in more than one childcare situation before she entered elementary school, I find the interactions I have with the people I take care of my child can be quite complex...some things just end up feeling weird...and some of the people who work in childcare really don't have the education or the background to know what is professional (and some definitely do, I am not generalizing here). When it comes down to it, what is important to me is the care my child gets, that I don't have to worry about her when I am not there (anymore than a neurotic mom would) and that things like you describe are isolated incidents rather than things that seem to happen all the time.

Oh, and I certainly would not give her any more money!

[jellibeans]

If she was comfortable enough to ask you, I think that you should be comfortable to ask her for it back. Yes, its only $10, but she borrowed it. Also, if she is asking you for money, how many other parents is she asking for money? She could be making hundreds a day by asking for $10 a parent:)
Anyways, I think that you should talk to her and tell her that it wasnt appropriate for her to ask you for the money or for you to give it to her. Thats just weird.

[ha98ed14]

Although I think it is odd, inappropriate, and would make me uncomfortable I would write both the incident and the money off as long as nothing further happens on her part. It certainly is poor judgment on her part, but I have learned that some people just really don't know that certain things are inappropriate....may or may not be the case with her...Anyway, as long as she didn't ask me for more money or do anything else that made me feel uncomfortable/doubt her judgement, I would just let it go..I agree I would not really want her to lose her job, or even get in trouble for a higher up, over this...who knows what they are like. If you see her doing anything inappropriate in the classroom or if she does this again or something else inappropriate with you, then I would think about taking some action


:yeahthat: That is what I was trying to say. JustMe said it better.

[american_mama]

>> Although I think it is odd, inappropriate, and would make me uncomfortable I would write both the incident and the money off as long as nothing further happens on her part.

I agree with her whole post except I think you should use the line another poster offered and ask for her to re-pay you.

There are many legitimate reasons why a credit card wouldn't have sufficed for her purposes: no credit card, credit card maxed out, trying not to rely on credit card, forgot credit card, didn't want hubby to see she'd charged something, she wanted something that wasn't available with a credit card (Girl Scout cookies, vending machine), whatever.

There are many non-nefarious reasons why she wouldn't want to ask co-workers if it wasn't actually for gas: co-workers might be down on her for what she is buying (cigarettes, fast food/vending machine junk while on a diet, whatever) she already has asked them often and doesn't want to be seen asking again, she felt you and she had a less loaded relationship, other co-workers don't have the cash either, she's buying something from the very co-worker she is most likely to ask for cash (home party stuff, fundraiser for kid's school, etc.), she's putting money into a pool for a work gift exchange/holiday party and it's embarassing to be the only one who forgot.

I mean, I'm on a roll here and I could go on and on. Not all these indicate she's making the best money choices, but it's not your job to worry about that. Unless and until you see some indication that there is a larger problem, this is just an odd and inappropriate request that I would puzzle over but not worry over. And I would ask her to re-pay to stand up for yourself; you are already concerned that she asked you because she thought you were easy, so don't be easy. Be appropriate, even if she was not.

[wellyes]

I agree with the PPs, it's inappropriate but not something I'd report or even make a big deal about. Once I forgot my wallet (cash, cards, everything) and had to borrow money for lunch. No loan = no lunch that day for me which is bad. It was embarrassing, but that kind of thing can happen to anyone once in a while.

[smiles33]

I agree that ultimately, it's not worth fussing over for $10. But if the teacher is asking a PARENT (and not a co-worker) and EXPLICITLY asking the parent to "just keep it between us" that raises a red flag for me. I immediately wonder if it's part of a "pattern or practice" and if she's having more serious issues. Is she also asking other parents for money, too?

Do you have a "room parent" that you might talk to about this? My DD's center does and when we had an issue with frequent biting (leaving teeth marks!) that I wanted to talk to other parents about before going to the teachers, I approached her first. If you have a room parent, or just another parent you feel comfortable talking to, I might ask if they have ever been approached by this teacher.

As OP stated, she's not close to this teacher, so it's not like the teacher felt a special affinity/friendship with her and knew she could rely on her more than a co-worker or anyone else. I have also found with many workplaces, not just daycare centers, that just because someone has been there for 10 years does not mean s/he is a good employee/teacher. Some bosses are just reluctant/afraid to fire people.

[pinkmomagain]

I would casually ask her for the $$ back, and wouldn't report her. However, I would file the incident away in the back of my head and if she does any other questionable things, mention her behavior to the director. I agree that it was an inappropriate thing to do.

[elektra]

I'd write it off and not expect it back and not loan again. I wouldn't talk to the director. If you want the money back I'd mention to the teacher "when you get a chance, would you be able to get that $10 back to me -- holidays and all :)"
/hillary

Maybe she just forgot she borrowed from you in a rush? I would just do the above. And not only because you "want" the money back but to let her know that you would expect it back.
Still very weird that she asked in the first place.

[eggnova]

I agree that ultimately, it's not worth fussing over for $10. But if the teacher is asking a PARENT (and not a co-worker) and EXPLICITLY asking the parent to "just keep it between us" that raises a red flag for me. I immediately wonder if it's part of a "pattern or practice" and if she's having more serious issues. Is she also asking other parents for money, too?

Do you have a "room parent" that you might talk to about this? My DD's center does and when we had an issue with frequent biting (leaving teeth marks!) that I wanted to talk to other parents about before going to the teachers, I approached her first. If you have a room parent, or just another parent you feel comfortable talking to, I might ask if they have ever been approached by this teacher.

As OP stated, she's not close to this teacher, so it's not like the teacher felt a special affinity/friendship with her and knew she could rely on her more than a co-worker or anyone else. I have also found with many workplaces, not just daycare centers, that just because someone has been there for 10 years does not mean s/he is a good employee/teacher. Some bosses are just reluctant/afraid to fire people.
Thank you, Smiles, this is good advice, and those are the red flags I worry about. I too, wonder if it's a pattern. We don't have a room parent, but there is another parent who works in my building - I asked her (w.out mentioning which teacher) if anyone had ever asked to borrow money and she said no. There are two other moms who have had two kids go thru the Toddler room - I think I will ask them the same thing if I run into them in the parking lot at pick up today. In fact, I will make a point of picking up a little earlier today so I can plan to see them.

Based on the advice from others, I also plan to bring it up with the teacher, regarding paying me back and I will make it clear to her that the situation made me uncomfortable, but at this point, I don't plan to say anything to the principal or the director. I will also suggest that she reinvest the $10 into some supplies for the room to make it clear that it's not being out $10 that bothered me but rather fact that she stepped over an invisible line by asking.

Thank you all for the helpful advice so far and for appreciating and understanding the situation I am in.

[eggnova]

>> And I would ask her to re-pay to stand up for yourself; you are already concerned that she asked you because she thought you were easy, so don't be easy. Be appropriate, even if she was not.

Thank you for this advice! I am taking this to heart today.

Ah, "don't be easy" the line us girls have heard since high school - simple in theory but oh so hard to practice sometimes!! :wink2: