Friend lost baby at 18 weeks...how to help?

[willow33]

She's a close friend from college/sorority/bridesmaid of mine but lives in VA and I'm in Massachusetts. We lost touch over the past year, but she emailed me to let me know the news. I sent her flowers and told her she can call me anytime she needs to talk, but she said she's crying so much right now that she can't talk on the phone. I then offered to be there for her through email. She's emailed me every day since. Anything else I can do? Things to say? Not say? If feel so helpless being so far away.

[AnnieW625]

That's all you can really do just be there for her. I lost my baby to Trisomy 18 at 24 weeks last spring and I cried a lot. It took me a good month to want to talk on the phone to anyone.

[sste]

Care package in the mail with some baked goods and perhaps some homey bath wash (gingerbread or cinnamon are available right now in health food stores). And a note that you are thinking of her and care about her and have her in your prayers.

[carolinamama]

I had a later loss between my two. After the initial week or two of crying non-stop, I really appreciated when people wrote sincere letters and the phone calls from people who either understood it or were just nice about it. A care package is a nice idea.

[marie]

In addition to the above, put it in your calendar to call/write around the due date, if you know it, and the anniversary of her loss. My mom is the only one who acknowledged the missed due date from my miscarriage and I wish more people, including DH, would have.

Do you know if she has gone to a support group? You could try to find one for her if she hasn't found one already.

[sunshine873]

Letting her know that you care and recognize the loss is huge. I do like the care package idea. It doesn't have to be huge, it's just a "thinking of you" kind of thing.

[infocrazy]

In addition to the above, put it in your calendar to call/write around the due date, if you know it, and the anniversary of her loss. My mom is the only one who acknowledged the missed due date from my miscarriage and I wish more people, including DH, would have.

Do you know if she has gone to a support group? You could try to find one for her if she hasn't found one already.

The due date was very tough for me with DS3. Only 2 close friends and my SIL remembered, aside from DH.

I don't think I answered the phone for a month but my best friend called every single day...it was really nice to know she was still thinking of us. I did do better with email because I had a lot of trouble talking without getting upset, and I don't like getting upset in "public". I have found online support groups to be more helpful for me for that reason.

Not sure if she named the baby, but my cousin did this for us and I really treasure it. namesinthesand.blogspot.com

The fact she is emailing you daily implies to me that you are doing the right thing and she recognizes you as the caring friend you are.

[firsttimemama]

I was going to say take food over (until I read you aren't in the same town) .. I like the care package idea. Or maybe even coordinating with someone you know in her town (if there is anyone) to pitch in for maybe one of those services where you go & make the dinners for your freezer.. maybe someone local could do the footwork.

[ged]

I had an 18 week loss recently as well. I also found it much easier to email, and did not often pick up the phone if someone called, even though I did appreciate their phone call. Just continue to show your care...emailing, whatever. I would have loved a care package, I guess that is my "love language". I got flowers, some cards, and phone calls. I know a lot of people don't quite know how to help in these situations, but I would say the worse is to just do nothing. Anything is better than nothing. Your friend is in mourning and she needs people to acknowledge it. You are are great friend to be so concerned and I am sure she appreciates you, given the fact that she is emailing you every day.

[MoJo]

In addition to the above, put it in your calendar to call/write around the due date, if you know it, and the anniversary of her loss.
:yeahthat:

And just stay in touch, even after the initial shock and grief have passed.

Praying for your friend.

[egoldber]

but I would say the worse is to just do nothing. Anything is better than nothing.

:yeahthat:

Everyone mourns in their own way, but the worst is feeling like no one else cares or has forgotten.

[klwa]

In addition to the above, put it in your calendar to call/write around the due date, if you know it, and the anniversary of her loss.

:yeahthat: We try to remember a friend of mine who lost her son around his due date & his birth/loss date. She's always said that she really appreciates it.

[JenaW]

Like GED said, doing nothing is the worst thing you can do. (GED, sorry for your loss as well!). As someone who has had 4 miscarriages, and is very close to someone who delivered a micropreemie shortly after I did, and buried her 8 mos later, I can attest to that! Especially with any preterm loss. I don't think that people who haven't been there can fully understand the depth of the loss. Many think that since you never actually saw or held the baby, you aren't as attached to it. This is so wrong! You are definitely doing the right thing by letting her know you are there. Feel free, in your email or over the phone, to let her know she can tell you about it if she wants. I always wanted to be able to talk about my experiences but felt like no one else really wanted to hear the details. Sometimes reliving it, especially if she had to deliver her stillborn baby, while painful, can also be very cathartic. Ask her if she named the baby, and if she did, use the baby's name as often as you can in conversation, instead of just calling it "the baby." I'm saying some prayers for you and your friend. Pregnancy loss at any stage is never easy.