Suddenly DD doesn't like anyone who isn't like her - need help!

[randomkid]

This just started this week and I have no idea where it is coming from. Today, DD told me that she doesn't like kids with brown skin (we are white). I pointed out to her the friends she has that have darker skin (Hispanic and AA), so she decided that she likes them, but no others. Then, tonight, she tells DH that she only likes Mommies, not Daddies. She also alluded to only girls are good, boys are bad. I'm sure this is a self awareness phase, but what do I say to her to change this thinking? I don't want her to say anything hurtful to someone when she is at school. I'm confused by this as she has never mentioned the color of someone's skin before and now, suddenly she is judging based on skin color and gender.

She has been making assumptions for some time now about which people are good and which are bad and might hurt you based on appearances, but it's usually related to how they are dressed. I've been working on this one because I want her to understand that not all people who look nice, are nice. And, conversely, all people who look bad aren't necessarily bad. However, DD is very opinionated and changing her mind can be difficult.

I tried the approach of God loves all of us and wants us to love each other equally, but that didn't seem to have much impact. Usually, mentioning how God wants us to be is really effective, but this time it didn't seem to help. Suggestions, please!

[WatchingThemGrow]

Hence the reason I'm going to pick up a darker skinned Corolle Calin off CL today... Worse yet, my DD thinks anyone who isn't bright white like her is "dirty." Even my freckeled skin makes me dirty. In addition to our friends/neighbors who visit, we have various books and toys with people of different skintones. Not sure what to do at this point. Talking, asking questions, etc...has not worked so far.

[Seitvonzu]

i'm going to watch this thread. i was just mentioning this issue with friends the other day, because i've noticed some "subtle" things in my 23 month old that i don't want to encourage. i never thought about consciously DIScouraging this sorta thing because i wouldn't have thought you would have to with a child...

we have aa neighbors. we see them basically EVERY time we leave the house (we're in townhouses and they are next door/work on their outside alot/or come and go-- so out ALOT). lucy knows "miss m and mr. m" and will say their names at the front window if she sees them, or after we see them. recently when we were going out to the car, mr. m was coming in from his car and she stopped on our walk and started BACKING up. i made a comment about her "being in a shy phase lately" and tried to laugh it off, but i was kinda embarrased. it seemed so OBVIOUS to me :( then the other day their grown daughter pulled in, she saw her through the window and she RAN to the kitchen and laid down on the floor and was pretending to sleep. i've never seen this with other people, so i was wondering if it was a "they look different" thing. it bothers me- alot :(

i have some dolls that are "different" (and boys too, to try to avoid that crazy business)-- i didn't buy them for lucy, but some of them are mine (i collect dolls). she likes the darker skinned baby dolls at target and will usually pick them over the white dolls. maybe i'm just being sensitive? no BTDT but i'm definitely curious. i told DH it might take more than being open to all people ourselves, we might have to ACTIVELY encourage how wonderful it is that all sorts of people make up the world and that there is nothing more superficial about a person than how they look.

[pinkmomagain]

I know that around age 4 alot of fears start as kids become aware of the outside world (preschool director is always discussing this with parents). Maybe as she is becoming more aware of the world around her and realizing that there is much she doesn't know and can't control, she is setting up these "comfort zone" boundaries in her mind to give herself some perception of control/safety.

I have no advice to offer, but this occurred to me that at least it may be where she is coming from.

[Karenn]

DS went through a stage like that. What helped most was reminding him that most of his closest friends at the time had darker skin. I had to remind him of that several times and then it seemed to sink in.

[Ceepa]

Would DD be open to a science lesson? :tongue5: Pick up some simple books at the library that discuss a person's physical properties: hair color, eye color, skin color. We have a lot of discussions about how interesting it is that people look different or are boys or girls because of messages inside their bodies that they inherit from their parents, grandparents, etc. You don't have to get into great detail just age-appropriate science. Good luck.

[sste]

I don't have any good suggestions for how to deal with the problem. In your shoes, I would def. mention something to her preschool teachers for a few reasons. First, they will likely have some good suggestions for you and they can probably add in some multi-cultural stories/activities. Second, I would not want them to assume DD learned this at home! I mean, we obviously know she did not and they are probably used to kids going through this phase - - but I think it will avoid a potentially uncomfortable conversation for you.

[caleymama]

Don't know if this would be helpful, but my 5yo and 7yo LOVE the book People (http://www.amazon.com/People-Peter-Spier/dp/038524469X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1260464182&sr=8-1) by Peter Spier. It's a little outdated now but the ideas are still good. It was one of my favorites as a kid and I picked up the copy we now have at a library book sale when DD1 was a baby.

I think you've taken a good approach, and I also agree with Gina that it's likely stems from her growing awareness of the world around her. I wouldn't make too big a deal out of it. Just treat it very matter of factly - everyone is different and alike in various ways, isn't it amazing all the different kinds of people/hair/skin/eyes/dogs/flowers/etc. that God made?, and so on. There are all different colored flowers, but there are also lots of pink flowers that all look different, KWIM? I wouldn't perceive her comments as judgemental in the way we would an adult's.

[bubbaray]

DD#1 periodically goes through stages like that. Not related necessarily to gender or race, but more features -- "I like ___ the best because she has blonde hair like me". I always point out that certain teachers, babysitters, friends, family (like me!) don't and she still likes them.

I wouldn't worry about it all that much. Its pretty normal and just a phase. Just keep pointing out that there are lots of different colors of skin, hair, eyes and one isn't better than the other.

[vonfirmath]

i'm going to watch this thread. i was just mentioning this issue with friends the other day, because i've noticed some "subtle" things in my 23 month old that i don't want to encourage. i never thought about consciously DIScouraging this sorta thing because i wouldn't have thought you would have to with a child...

It seems very normal to me for children to start noticing things that are the same and different, and, assuming they are the "good" and "Right" way (children are very self-absorbed), then everything different must be bad.

parents are here to try to guide.

No suggestions though :( Getting to know people -- her having friends different from her is probably a VERY good thing for this.

[hellokitty]

Don't know if this would be helpful, but my 5yo and 7yo LOVE the book People (http://www.amazon.com/People-Peter-Spier/dp/038524469X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1260464182&sr=8-1) by Peter Spier. It's a little outdated now but the ideas are still good. It was one of my favorites as a kid and I picked up the copy we now have at a library book sale when DD1 was a baby.

I think you've taken a good approach, and I also agree with Gina that it's likely stems from her growing awareness of the world around her. I wouldn't make too big a deal out of it. Just treat it very matter of factly - everyone is different and alike in various ways, isn't it amazing all the different kinds of people/hair/skin/eyes/dogs/flowers/etc. that God made?, and so on. There are all different colored flowers, but there are also lots of pink flowers that all look different, KWIM? I wouldn't perceive her comments as judgemental in the way we would an adult's.

I was going to recommend this book as well. My kids love looking at the pictures and how everyone can have such different features, but in the end, we are all ppl.

[american_mama]

I don't know much about this phase of fear/racial awareness/difference awareness in children. But to the extent that this is about race and, more generally, other physical differences, you might want to read this article from Newsweek, about how children notice and act regarding race:

http://www.newsweek.com/id/214989

I only read it once and it shocked me, so I may not summarize it correctly, but basically it says that children notice race at very early ages, subtly pick up the message that adults are not comfortable talking about it, and that they often misunderstand the generic "everybody is equal" messages they often get from their parents. It also says the common adult idea that mere exposure to racial diversity will increase tolerance is not really true. I think I need to re-read it before I can summarize what it says to do instead, but I recall it suggests talking to children about race similar to how we discuss girl and boy differences. We tend to comfortably acknowledge physical differences between boys/girls, men/women and perhaps even differences in behaviors ("Most parents taking care of kids at home are women, but not all are...") but we also point out examples that don't fit that norm and make our own value statements about what we want to see and how to act in the world. We might also include background information about why things are as they are ("Girls didn't used to be allowed to play baseball until... and that affects girls today in this way...." "Boys sometimes get teased for liking dance, but Mikhail Barishnikov was.... and I think that is great because....")

Anyway, the article got trashed on the Newsweek blog, but the responses were not the most well-thought by a long shot. I think the article is worth reading and considering.