WWYD: Friend wants a shower

[blisstwins]

One of my best friends is pregnant with #2. She is Jewish and did not have a shower for #1. I did not live in the state when she had #1 and had just had twins,etc. We were not as close then and honestly, it never occured to me to organize a shower for her for #1 (for the above reasons and my Jewish friends have NEVER had showers). Turns out, she is kind of bitter (not at me specifically) that she never had a shower for #1 and she wants one for #2. She wants me to throw it. Honestly, I am in my 40s and feel so far past this stuff. I work full-time, have two kids, and think a shower for #2 is awkward even if she did not have one for #1. Also, my friend wants to register and she and her husband are thinking of places to have it, etc. If I throw it I will have to pay for this entirely, right? If they want me to include registry info do I have to? I think that is obnoxious and feel uncomfortable doing that. I do not live near her so I will have to pay for a restaurant for site? I just have a feeling this is going to cost $500 and I don't even remember how this stuff works. The shower host pays everything, right? Should I ask them what they want or just plan what I can handle? I sound very ungracious, I know. She is lovely and excited about the baby. I want to do something nice, I just don't want to spend a fortune. If I could do it in my home it would not be an issue but I have a feeling this will turn into something $$$. Thanks for your feedback.

[niccig]

For 2nd and 3rd, 4th etc babies, we go out to dinner, but we all split the bill, except for the mum to be. It's usually 8-10 of us, so a smaller group. We all enjoy this kind of shower as it's a girl's night out. We do give presents, but usually it's smaller items, clothes etc. There have been some games, but things that you can do at a table.

Would she be OK with this, or does she want the whole shebang?

[blisstwins]

She wants the whole shebang. She did not blame me for her not having a shower the first time around, but I can tell she is angry she did not have one.

[jgenie]

I'm sorry your friend is angry about not having a shower and is guilting you into a shower. I would only give a shower if I felt so inclined. It is a big expense and a lot of work. Will you also have to pay for travel on top of the shower? When my BF got married - I wanted to throw her a shower but by the time I added in the cost of travel and the actual shower (would have been at a restaurant) it was going to be very expensive. I would just send a very nice gift when the baby arrives.

[jayali]

Are there other friends or family members that you can talk to and get some ideas. I am not good with shower etiquette (sp?), we did not have one. When I was pregnant people offered to host showers for me (my mom was not well and I have no sisters). As I said we didn't have one, but I am not sure this is something that you ask people to do for you - I think people offer. I think you can offer to do what you are comfortable doing. If they want something different then they should throw the party.

[DietCokeLover]

I think you should let her know what you are able to do - financially, physically, etc. Could you possibly have it at her home, with yourself as hostess and throw together some finger foods and invite friends over for a casual get together/ shower? This would be more than acceptable in my circle of friends/ family, but am not sure if it would work for you.

[Melbel]

I suggest trying to find some other "volunteers", preferably someone who is in the same town as your friend and could host a shower at her home. This would help you to minimize and divide costs. Showers for second babies are pretty common where I live, regardless of whether there was a shower for the first. Also, registry information is often included with the invitation. Many people, including myself, prefer registries because it simplifies the gift buying.

I would have a candid discussion with your friend regarding the logistics/costs and work with her to find a solution that you are both comfortable with.

[JTsMom]

I agree that your best bet is to recruit some friends and family members and have it at one of their houses. You can keep it simple and inexpensive- just do a light lunch and a cake or something. You can pick up platters at a grocery store, or throw them together yourself. Throw up some streamers and balloons and you're done.

And don't think twice about including registry info for a shower. The etiquette rules are different for showers b/c the whole point is to "shower" the person with gifts.

[Ceepa]

I think you're a good friend for humoring her grown-up tantrum for her missed first shower. Personally I think it's poor form for her to demand a shower and insist that you help her.

I'd plan for a conservative event - lunch in someone's home. And as far as invitations, putting registry information on it is still a no-no in my book, but I understand there are those who do that now.

Big hugs to you for being put in such an awkward situation. Boo on your friend.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'd round up other people to co-host so you can split the work and costs. I personally don't have a problem with family hosting showers- does she have a sister, mom, cousin, aunt...that would be willing to help? Or any other friends? You can talk together about budget and options then. I bet there is someone in the mix that has skills and inclination towards this sort of thing.

Beth

[hollybloom24]

I was put in the same situation by a friend's (not very close) husband who had mentioned the mom to be was depressed she wasn't having a shower for #2 (she was 42 at the time.) I ended up sending out the invitations and out of 20 people, I think 17 responded they couldn't make it. (I think most people thought it was odd she was having this shower, especially since the couple combined makes like $500,000 a year, so they didn't need anything...) In the end we cancelled it (also awkward).

I am done throwing showers. I think the idea of taking the pregnant friend out to a nice dinner or a small event at someone's house with some friends is a really great idea!

[egoldber]

Well I feel your friend's pain a bit. My SIL was planning to throw me a shower for my first and then backed out. So I never had a shower. After Amy was born a group of friends took me to tea at the Ritz for a shower. It was wonderful. :) They paid for me and then they all paid for their own. They gave me some gifts for Amy, things I would not have had and would never buy for her myself, adorable newborn Mary Jane Robeez, a personalized tote, etc.

It was one of the nicest things that anyone has ever done for me.

[SnuggleBuggles]

(I think most people thought it was odd she was having this shower, especially since the couple combined makes like $500,000 a year, so they didn't need anything...)

Sometimes it isn't about the gifts, it's about celebrating the new baby. :) Now if they registered and were pushy about that then I could see being quite turned off. Otherwise I'd just say they wanted people to make a fuss about their new baby, which is a-ok with me. :)

Beth

[lizzywednesday]

Part of the reason, as I understand it, for not throwing a pre-baby shower if you are Jewish is similar to the reason you don't wish a woman "congratulations" but rather say something in Hebrew that roughly translates to "in a good hour" ... not that the baby is an unwelcome news, but rather more like you're not tempting fate or trying to force G-d's hand.

A lot of my Jewish friends may not have had baby showers before their babies arrived, but sometimes their moms/girlfriends/sisters threw one AFTER the baby arrived.

It's strange that, in a tradition that doesn't throw a shower, you would be upset that you didn't have one, but I don't know what's going through the OP's friend's head. She may be stressed about something and want a little attention to make her feel better ... I don't know.

Good luck throwing one ... it's indeed a lot of work! I threw a baby shower for my sister in September, but was fortunate enough to share the responsibilities with my sister's boyfriend, our mom and our brother's fiancee. (This was a huge help because during the meat of the planning, I was very ill with my own morning sickness!!!)

Based on this, however, I definitely second/third the recommendation to get a group of friends involved in the planning! Even if it's something as simple as tracking down mailing addresses (this was my sister's boyfriend's job) or making centerpieces for the party (this was my brother's fiancee's job.)

[fivi2]

In my playgroup we have celebrated second (and third) babies since we didn't know eachother the first time around. As pps said, it is very casual - usually just a sepcial playgroup with everyone bringing special goodies to eat and either individual gifts or a bigger group gift. Sometimes it has been a pay your own way dinner (we all agreed to before) with small gifts.

I do think it is nice for close friends to celebrate new pgs/babies, but I wouldn't do an official traditional big shower.

Is there a group of friends in the area where you can plan something to celebrate - whether a casual lunch at someone's house, or a spa outing, or something fun?

Honestly it just sounds like she is hormonal and sad and feeling like she is unloved. I definitely had some not quite typical emotions during pregnancy. I think finding some of way of letting a group of friends show they care about her and are excited about the baby would go a long way. (but of course I don't know her so I may be way off!)

[bubbaray]

I think OP has enough on her plate (working FT, raising twins) that she gets a "pass" on planning events such as this.

Tell your friend that you are unable to host/organize/plan her shower, but you will be able to attend and leave it at that.

[blisstwins]

You guys are so sweet. Thanks for letting me vent/brainstorm without feeling like a cad. My friend is just lovely, really. Mostly I think she feels shortchanged that her first child was not celebrated and a lot of that has to do with issues surrounding her particula family dynamics. Everyone is spread out, in addition to family war type stuff, so there was no one. I am not even sure she had a bris.
In a way, I am glad she articulated her expectations to me. I think it is worse when friend hold grudges over stuff that goes unsaid. I cannot read minds and the combo of 2nd child and her being Jewish did not make me think of a shower.
We have no friends in common and her family bites, so it will have to be me. Normally I would not ask to do it at her house, but I htink I might. I think it is too much for me to pay for a shower at a restaurant. If it is at her house I htink her inlaws would help. That feels inappropriate to me, but I really cannot do it all myself.
I think I am a little off-put because part of this is a gift-getting endevour. Part is the attention, for sure, but they are pretty open about feeling they missed out on a big subsidy and that is annoying. Fortunately she has many, many wonderful qualities that outweigh little stuff and I want her to be happy...sigh...work.

[AnnieW625]

In my playgroup we have celebrated second (and third) babies since we didn't know eachother the first time around. As pps said, it is very casual - usually just a sepcial playgroup with everyone bringing special goodies to eat and either individual gifts or a bigger group gift. Sometimes it has been a pay your own way dinner (we all agreed to before) with small gifts.

I do think it is nice for close friends to celebrate new pgs/babies, but I wouldn't do an official traditional big shower.

Is there a group of friends in the area where you can plan something to celebrate - whether a casual lunch at someone's house, or a spa outing, or something fun?

Honestly it just sounds like she is hormonal and sad and feeling like she is unloved. I definitely had some not quite typical emotions during pregnancy. I think finding some of way of letting a group of friends show they care about her and are excited about the baby would go a long way. (but of course I don't know her so I may be way off!)

:yeahthat: I have been to a couple of showers for second babies from my mommy group and it was nice because we all didn't know each other pre children. We've always had cake, finger foods, and it's been nice. It's very similar to the first showers that my mom and I have thrown for friends.

You can make a baby shower very nice without spending a whole lot of dough. Costco (at least in my area) makes really good sandwiches and it's maybe $40-$60 for a couple of trays depending on how many people are invited. You can also ask for veggie only sandwiches and more beef so there is no ham. What about a nice spread of lox and cream cheese with some bagels? I haven't ordered a whole platter from a bagel shop so I have no idea what the cost is, but I believe that you can buy the lox at a place like Costco and get a couple of dozen bagels and cream cheese at a place like Noahs. A nice assortment of decaf teas, and a nice punch is always nice too. Coffee is easy too, and I know that Noah's offers it's buy the carton for about $12.

Honestly with this economy I'd try and stay away from a spa day because that could cost each guest $100+ and you wouldn't want anyone to feel that they have to stretch their budget too much just to go to a shower. But again you know your friends better and what they can afford so maybe send them out an email saying that:

"Friend A is pregnant with #2 and I think it would be nice to throw some sort of shower for her since she did not have a shower with #1. Here are some options I was thinking of and would love for some help and advice from all of you:

a. a breakfast with lox, bagels, coffee, cream cheese, etc. at someone's home or a local community center.

b. lunch with sandwiches from Costco or another reasonably priced deli at a home

c. a lunch/brunch somewhere outside the home with all guests paying for themselves and contributing for Friend's lunch.

d. a spa or pedicure day where we all pay for our own services and then contribute to Friend's service

Good luck, and I am sure things will work out fine.