update: What would get you to lose weight?

[elektra]

Update:
So I spoke to DH last night. It was a short conversation where I just laid out the differences in the rates and how it was a real eye opener for me personally. He said something like, "well we know the weight is a problem." His weight is actually the one thing I have never really nagged him about because I just know that it's completely out of my control. But something really has to be done. I think I am going to try to get us both signed up for WW. I have already tried cooking more at home, but he often will not like what I am making or is not hungry when we eat because he usually eats a big late lunch. So he'll run out for Carl's Jr. or something similar. (And I do admit that at least once I have suggested he get the single Western Bacon Cheeseburger instead of the Double.)
Like many of us, he knows his food choices are poor (supersize fast food meals, eating big late lunches which leads to big late dinners, fatty sugary foods, etc.) but actually knowing and doing are two very separate things. I mean I am no health nut or anything. I love burgers and sweets and I have a lot of room for improvement too. However my weight and height are in proportion. It's a combo of me making better food choices in general and genetics. Although I am not naturally thin, I have genetics more on my side than DH does.
And just for the record, I am feeling the urgency a bit more now because of the life insurance thing, both for the money part of it (I admit), but also because it's a tangible way of measuring how unhealthy he is at this point, and therefore likely to not live as long as he would as a thinner person. It's not a physical attraction thing.

So I think I am going to just not bring it up for a few days and then if he doesn't say anything by the weekend, I will bring it up in the context of getting his opinion on what we should eat next week and that I think we should try to plan out healthier stuff. I am also going to see what WW online entails. I think the challenge is going to be finding the balance between encouraging but also backing off when he needs to take more responsibility.
---------------
A health scare?
your spouse nagging you?
complete loss of sex drive?


Here's my situation:
My DH is overweight. I'd estimate that he should lose at least 50 pounds. He just has one of those stocky builds and he will never be a thin man. But he has steadily been gaining weight ever since we started dating. It has affected several areas of our lives. And not only is it his weight, he just does not take care of himself. He has had some health issues within the past few years which I believe can all be attributed back to his weight. And just now I got the quote from the life insurance person that his policy is going to cost $213 per month, but if he can lose 50 pounds and keep it off for a year, then it would be $83.
I never bring up the weight thing with him because I know he knows he needs to lose weight. He has commented about it. And I know that if I was the one who was very overweight, it would do not an ounce of good to have him telling me I need to lose weight. So I don't say anything.
But he seriously needs to make some major changes in order to get healthy and live a longer and fuller life.
So what do I do? Just mention the life insurance thing? To me it was an eye opener about how much less the company is willing to bet that he will live a long time.
Continue to keep my mouth shut and just hope he eventually takes some action?

[lizzywednesday]

When you figure it out, let me know because my DH could use to lose a few pounds as well.

He tried earlier to do it, but decided he couldn't because they don't make Stacker 2 anymore (cop-out) ... now, we've got Baby on the way and I want him to be able to sit in a rocker comfortably (Baby needs to associate Daddy with comfort as well or I'll never get a free night) among other things.

I'm also concerned about the extra health risks - diabetes, heart disease, etc.- that he's subjecting himself to.

But he seems to want me to baby-sit him. (That drives me up the wall.)

[Andi98989]

For my DH, he really just needed to come to the conclusion himself that he wasn't happy with his appearance any more and that he needed to do something. It helped that one of his friends at work had joined a weight loss program called Weigh to Wellness that is run by a doctor's office; it's a "medical weight loss" program where they meet with a doctor, nutritionist, behavorialist, and a doctor. There were individual sessions and group sessions, and extensive medial testing and evaluation.

DH saw the success his friend had and decided to give it a try. He's lost over 45 lbs. and has been able to keep it off. The program is very good in terms of it being an overall lifestyle change that's pretty easy to implement and maintain - it's not a diet that you go on/off of. As I do most of our meal prep, they even had me come in for a session with him so that I could understand what they wanted him to be eating in terms of calories, protein, etc...

You might want to look around and see if there is a program like this in your area. Talk to DH about the life insurance quote and if he seems to want to take action, then you'd have something for him. I think for a lot of guys it's hard because they don't know how to do it on their own, and they think things like Weight Watchers are just for women.

[carolinamama]

That's a hard one. I think I would be upfront about the life insurance deal, making it sounds very objective and matter-of-fact. If he decides to lose weight, be very supportive about keeping good foods in the house, not going to eat at restaurants that are only unhealthy and make exercise a fun family activity.

Other than that, I don't think you can do much. I doubt nagging will have any positive effects.

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

My DH could lose 40+ lbs, he too is a stocky man, her carries all of his weight in his belly which is the worst kind of fat. He knows he needs to lose weight, and just doesn't. Not that I couldn't lose 30 lbs., but I have a major thyroid issue and I am exercising to try to lose weight/get in better shape. Motivation is different for everyone, you know best what makes him tick...

[AnnieW625]

For me it would probably be one or all of those.

I have friends here at work who really enjoy the Weight Watchers leaders at the Packers Square Weight Watchers, or he might want to look at Weight Watchers at Work. I was first introduced to WW @ W in Sacramento and I loved my leader. Plus it was one day a work at lunch where I didn't have to the chance to go out for lunch and my work paid a portion of the quarterly fee. I've been to many other meetings (but none at the above location) and there are always couples there. Even if you have a lot less weight to lose (if any) than he does it's great motivation to have your friend/partner there with you.

[sste]

I would have a really hard time with this too in a spouse. I have seen first-hand from my mom how with the right genetics you can go from overweight (and a smoker) to a diabetic to heart disease to lifelong kidney dialysis all before the age of 65. And let me tell all of this put the rest of us through h*ll too. So, for me personally based on this history, obesity that a spouse was not willing to address might very well be a dealbreaker for me. I would also never let myself get obese because I know my risk profile - - our savings would be liquidated to pay for the personal trainer first. :)

I actually don't think there is anything else you can except perhaps inviting him to participate with you in exercise that he likes - - something he enjoys. Make it a regular activity and get a sitter, use the gym daycare.

[arivecchi]

For DH the best motivations to exercise and lose weight are (i) staying alive longer to be there for the kids (his dad had a heart attack in his 40s) and (ii) relieving stress. I hope the difference in the terms of the life insurance options will make him want to improve.

[elektra]

I was successful losing weight with WW once and I wish DH would try that. I tried to do it together once but I ended up writing down all the points for him and he just fizzled out on it because he was never committed. He also tried Nutrisystem (gag) once and I only just a few months ago managed to toss the last of the packages from our cupboard.
He has to want to do it for himself, I know. But he really needs to figure that out soon! I am just wondering what the tipping point is for other people. For me it was that I was single and just feeling really gross and overweight, AND the WW @ work thing just happened to be starting up and I thought, "why not?"
Hmmm maybe I just answered my own question. Maybe it's just an access thing. Maybe I just need to sign DH up for WW online or something. I could probably lose a few pounds too or at least eat healthier and I would be willing to do it together.

[mikeys_mom]

My close friend's DH recently lost 80lbs. He said that he looked at himself in the mirror one day and thought - I am enormous. I look terrible.

He consulted a nutritionist which he says was key to him staying on track and being accountable to someone. He said that no matter what other people had told him over the years it really took a self revelation to motivate him.

[cvanbrunt]

Hearing it might not motivate you to lose weight, but do you know it would make your husband defensive? I'm guessing from your post that you are really worried about his health and that you may not be as attracted to him as you have been in the past. Sorry if I'm wrong about that. That really was my situation. DH had let his weight creep up and I really was uninterested, if you get my drift. I realized I had gained a little weight too. So, I changed the way I ate and the wieght came off. DH saw me doing it and joined in. His physician recommended pilates for excercise (he has had repeated PT for a hip issue) and he has never done it. So I started taking classes and now he wants to start. He seems to need me to nudge him a bit and by doing it with him, he feels supported. I frame it as health concerns. I'd use the insurance issue as the starter, you are not the bad guy that way.

[MamaMolly]

If you figure this one out please let me know. DH has steadily gained, especially since I got pregnant with DD. I got back down to 10lbs above my pre pregnancy weight, he kept adding.

[jenandahalf]

My husband struggles with this too, he's done Slimfast, Nutrisystem, Alli, green tea diet pills, lifting weights. The biggest problem he has is portion size and snacking. I don't keep any junk food in the house because I won't let my daughter eat it but he grabs it at work. I'm hoping that once I finish work in the spring and have more time to prepare food for him to take for lunch that it will improve. I had hoped that the cholesterol test he had to take recently would have scared him but it came back good!

I did weight watchers and the way they push all the chemical laden 'alternatives' drove me crazy. I don't think you learn anything about changing your eating habits by replacing half a stick of butter on your corn with half a jar of fat free butter buds.

[wellyes]

I'm in the opposite position exactly. I need to lose that much weight. DH is in great shape, goes to the gym 4x week and is serious about nutrition & fitness. We just signed up for health insurance. My rating is (euphamistically) 'standard' while his is 'premium plus'.

What does not help:
- questioning food choices as the person is cooking / about to eat
- criticism
- saying you do not find the other person attractive (DH has not, thank goodness, but I fear it)

What he's tried that helps:
- cooking great, healthy meals for the two of us to eat together in a way that is not about calorie restriction. As in, let's make one day a week "greens and rice" day & explore how different cuisines tackle that combo (cajun vs Indian vs French vs Nepalese.....)
- joining a gym or pilates/yoga studio together

Of course real success has to come from personal motivation. But even getting started a little in losing weight goes SUCH a long way in increasing motivation.

Good luck.

[ellies mom]

For me, it was seeing a picture of me from Christmas morning a few years back. I was bent over picking something up wearing a pair of bright pink plaid flannel PJ pants. My butt looked as big as the side of a barn. I deleted the picture but the image was seared into my brain. I went on to lose 35 pounds.

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

myfitnesspal.com is great for caloric accountability and keeping track of exercise. Maybe if you started he would. What about wii for exercise or some other fun way of working out?

[DrSally]

I know what you mean about saying something prob not doing any good. He already knows. If anything, I would mention the health aspect. Something that helps, I think, is to eat as healthy as you can yourself, b/c I believe (and research backs this up), that healthy habits are contagious. The goal would be to inspire rather than "nag", KWIM? If it were me, this would be the most motivating.

ETA: I knew someone who did LA weightloss and at first I thought it was a scam. But, she was successful, and I really think the key for her was checking in with someone weekly. I think this can really help, you get motivation to keep going and lots of positive reinforcement for staying on the program. I really have heard great things about WW too. That's something that could be done together. For men, sometimes, I think it's when they have to go up to a pants size they never thought they would be in. That can be a motivator/eye-opener.

[mommylamb]

I think if I were in your shoes I would talk to him about the life insurance quote and say something like "Obviously, it's a lot of money, but what I'm most concerned about is what this says about your health, becasue that is really important to me." I'd offer to either go with him to exercize, or have specific times when he knows you've got the kids so that he can go exercize, and try to encourage him to see a nutritionist. I think a lot of men get turned off by weight watchers (obviously not all men) or other diet groups.

In my house, it's the opposite way around. DH is nearly 42, but he looks like he's in his early 30s and he has always been very slim. People are usually shocked when they find out how old he is. On the other hand, I'm slightly overweight, and while it's not enough that most people would look at me and think I'm fat (I'm a size 10/12), I do have high cholesterol, so I need to lose some more. My body would like to be a size 8, but not smaller. I keep trying... trying to fit in the gym... trying to cut down... but it is so damn hard. Especially since when we don't have snacks in the house DH loses weight and he struggles to keep it on and gets upset when he loses it. Willpower is a much needed thing.

[LarsMal]

I don't really have any advice. I was actually coming here to post the same question...How do you gently tell someone you love they need to lose weight?!

I haven't read all the responses yet so I'll have to go back and see what great advice you have gotten.

My DH could stand to lose about 20-25, but the number seems to be growing. He knows it, complains about it, then sits down every night with a gigantic bowl of cereal and makes very bad food choices in general. He was a college athelete, an avid runner when I met him, ran a marathon, etc. Now he does NOTHING to stay healthy. I don't know what to do either. I can't figure out if it's better to try and tell him, encourage him, or just leave it alone until he figures it out for himself.

ETA: Sorry to hijack your post, but I figured it was easier to just put mine in here, too, instead of starting a separate thread on the same topic! ;)

[MoJo]

It's the opposite here, too, because DH decided (I think it was the pants size plus family history) to lose weight and did. . . and I couldn't. DH followed a fairly strict low-carb (and high fat) diet with no exercise whatsoever. (Atkins. . . recommended by his father who has diabetes and was an RN). I was breastfeeding, so I didn't feel safe doing his diet. I fixed his food for him, then I added some "healthy" carbs like fruit and whole grains for myself.

I cut out all the snack carbs (cookies, chips, soda, that type of thing), though, and didn't lose a pound. And I started exercising, and didn't lose a pound. I'm guessing I'm one of those people who doesn't lose weight until they stop breastfeeding. I got pregnant before I stopped breastfeeding though. So maybe in a few years, I can try again.

DH has complained about my weight, which doesn't help. He won't exercise with me, or watch DD while I exercise, which would help. (He doesn't think exercise is valuable, especially because he didn't need it to lose his weight.) He even once criticized me for taking DD out on a day he thought was too cold for her to be riding in the stroller.

He alternates between criticizing my food choices if I choose to have a treat and then pressuring me to have a treat that I'm trying to deny myself. . . neither of which help. My weight has been VERY stable. I can eat a lot of junk and not gain, but I can work on the diet and exercise and not lose, at least in this pregnant/nursing/pregnant stage in my life. And of course, I'll be much bigger before I'm any smaller now.

So for me, I know I need to lose weight. I want to lose weight. I've tried to lose weight. I need my spouse to be patient (won't apply to OP, though), supportive, and encouraging. DH didn't seem to need much, once he decided to do it. But it was his decision.

[jenandahalf]

When I gave up smoking 7 years ago it was seeing my doctor on a weekly basis that got me through it. Having that person to be accountable to really made me consider my actions more. Maybe you can say that the life insurance quote has you worried about his health and that you'd like him to go for a checkup, hopefully the doctor will be willing to help him/refer him to someone who can help him with getting on a program and sticking with it.

[mamicka]

I'll let you know when I find out.

[happymom]

He has to care and want to lose weight in order for anything to happen. In my marriage, I am the one who needs to lose. The best thing for me is to hear DH's encouraging words when I am doing well. Keep the junkfood out of the house, make healthy meals etc. Offer to pack him healthy lunches if you can. Can you exercise with him?

[egoldber]

I lost about 30 pounds several years ago. I was at a dark point in my life and then I saw a picture of myself where I looked huge. I decided I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. So I did it. I used South Beach, worked with a trainer, etc.

I'm feeling terrible these days because since I started work I have gained a ton of weight. Sitting at a desk all day makes it very hard. I am also a stress snacker. And DH is responsible for most dinner prep and he is not good at planning meals. And frankly, taking on another ask right now is just not in the cards.

But you can't make someone else lose weight or want to lose weight. It has to be a decision they make for themselves. They have to want it badly enough to break entrenched habits and no one else can do that for you.

[mominmarch]

We are in a similar position here, and two things have helped.

First... me trying to lose weight. I only have about 10 lbs to lose (I am a size 6/8 but felt much better at a 4). The more I do it, and the more I decline dessert or decline extra helpings, the more "competitive" he gets and wants to do it too. A large part of the reason I do it actually is to motivate him...at 5'6", I am in my "normal" range. But if I do it, he gets motivated to do it too, especially if our friend comment on me trying and succeeding.

But probably the biggest thing that is currently motivating him is hearing my DD (will be 3 in March) beg for icecream at night and whine for it, or whine for chocolate. She said the other day "I have a headache... I need some chocolate". She is not overweight right now, but when she fusses for desserts (not eating her dinner), we talk about childhood obesity and my DH is VERY AFRAID of that. He was a thin kid and thin young adult (and very athletic), but now is a size 36 pant when he should be about a 32. While he isn't always good at admitting that he needs to lose weight, he is visably frightened that his child will be fat and not athletic. And while I will never let that happen, I am letting him live with that fear b/c it is motivating him. He will no longer let her have "dessert" every night, but that means he can't have it either. It is interesting watching him do that for her. And he gets out and plays soccer and runs around with her, and it is benefitting him too.

So those are 2 suggestions. That and the fact that I watch The Biggest Loser in front of him too.

If I were you, I would address it with him. Because the way I look at it, this is my life partner, I have a vested interest in having him around for the long haul. I tell him how devastated our child would be if he died. So we do discuss it. I don't regret that.

[elektra]

update in post #1.

[sste]

I just wanted to add as a few more practical suggestions, I have had good luck with:

1. ONLY making food that tastes really good and is healthy - - it just does not work imo if you feel like you are suffering
2. Avoiding buying processed food. The damage you can do making your own food in terms of salt and fat is much more limited than buying processed where you can't see the salt, fat, weird additives.
3. The jillian michaels 30 day shred DVD which has a complete and effective 20 minute workout - - my view of exercise is that you should either love it or it should be short and effective. This falls into the latter category. If you and your DH can do this together that would be great - - in your living room, 25 minutes plus a 10 minute shower, it is not exactly fun but you feel great afterword.
4. I buy passes to a lovely nicely heated "therapy" pool and after my lap swimming I indulge in a drifting in the separate hot water therapy pool and whirlpool. For me this feels like a spa retreat not exercise! It can be worth investing some time in finding places like this . . . though for two busy people passes or pay as you go can be cheaper and "set you up for success" more than a membership that you can't use very often.

[MamaMolly]

Since he's a Fast Foodie I thought I'd mention the Eat This Not That series of books. There is one for dining out. It compares restaurant food, including fast food, and tells you how to make better choices (like which cheese burger is better). They don't just recommend salads everywhere, it gives you *real* comparisons. GL!

[carolinamama]

Since he's a Fast Foodie I thought I'd mention the Eat This Not That series of books. There is one for dining out. It compares restaurant food, including fast food, and tells you how to make better choices (like which cheese burger is better). They don't just recommend salads everywhere, it gives you *real* comparisons. GL!

Good suggestion.

I also wanted to mention that he may like South Beach better than WW. That way there isn't as much limiting of portions and he may be able to eat some of his favorite foods without so many carbs. I've always had great success with South Beach (I do modify it to eat berries and other low GI fruits) after both pregnancies. I've also done WW several times before and just know that SB works better for me since I feel less deprived.

[maylips]

This has been on my mind a lot lately too. DH has gained probably 30 lbs during the past year, over the course of my own pregnancy weight gain of 55 lbs. His family has a history of early heart attacks (his brother had one at 44, his dad at 56). Ironically enough, DH's business is inside a fitness center - and while you'd think that would give you incentive, I think he's just ready to hightail it out of there after being at work for 10 hours per day. I admit to nagging, though, so I'm glad to read these posts on how nagging doesn't help. I just have a problem of blurting out my thoughts and sometimes I look at him when he's making a meal choice and just think "why are you doing this to yourself?!" We still haven't found the balance of how to work out with kids, though. We were very good with exercise before kids but now can't seem to find the time and when we finally do have some, we're exhausted.

[niccig]

I think the challenge is going to be finding the balance between encouraging but also backing off when he needs to take more responsibility.

This is what I'm having a problem with. DH's dad has had open heart surgery, arteries unblocked, he has diabetes and a neurological disorder that gives him the shakes - it's not Parkinson's, but I can't remember what it is.

DH is on track to have to take a fistful of pills like his Dad does. After his Dad's open heart surgery, DH said he needed to do something NOW, so he doesn't end up the same. I finally got him to see my Dr. and have a physical, but he has not been back to get the results because he missed an appt. due to work. I'm tired of having to make all DH's Dr. appts, but I'm going to have to do it again

After reading your post yesterday I talked to DH about it - he said he knows, he knows. I told him "I'm worried about your health and that you won't be around for DS and I". He said me nagging doesn't help, and I said him not doing anything about it doesn't help either. He has to do it, and he has to want to do it...I don't know what it will be to motivate him.

[shawnandangel]

My DH got motivated to lose weight when I got motivated to lose my pregnacy weight. I had about 15# to lose (10 now!) to get back down to my prepregnancy weight of 120/size 6. I started going to Stroller Strides (www.strollerstrides.com) every morning with DD. When he saw me losing and how much better I felt he joined a gym!

One thing that works for my DH and will maybe work for yours: Instead of driving thru a fast food place a lunch, he can join a gym and work out for 1 hour. Then get a smoothie on the way back to the office. This is what my DH has been doing. He does it 3-4 days a week.

DH also bought a bike over the summer to bike to work. He mapped out his route and biked for several weeks. He's been working on a project at work now that keeps him late and it's cold so he's not doing that in the winter.

DH is a size 40. He needs to lose about 50# to get back down to a size 34. I also try to make healthy meals at home. Veggie stir fry with rice, baked fish, grill chicken kabobs, ect. (Of course right now during the holiday's I've been making pies and cookies and that has been BAD for our diet!)

[jenandahalf]

The South Beach (or Montignac which is what we did) is a great regimen but it requires a lot of planning. If you are willing to put in the time and effort required to make sure he eats to a plan like this then he will do well. My husband at the end of the day is lazy, if it's any more work than his current routine then he is going to lose interest.