How do you talk to your toddler about death?

[DrSally]

DS has been asking questions off and on about death. Both of his grandpa's are gone. Dh's dad died years ago, my dad died 2 years ago, so DS doesn't really remember him. When he sees a tv show with a grandpa, like Calliou, he says, "I have a grandpa too; he died". He says, "when someone dies, you don't get to see them anymore". He also knows that someone dies when their body stops working. He does say "I don't want to die, and I don't want you to die". We discussed how he's not going to die for a long, long time (and neither am I hopefully), and that people generally die when they get very old. I've avoided the sick thing b/c I don't think he can differentiate btwn regular sick and deathly sick, and I don't want him to be afraid everytime he or someone else gets sick, KWIM? In our belief system, I tell him that people go to heaven when they die.

Anyway, on the way to preschool, there's a cemetary, and he asked about it, so I said that when someone dies, that's where their body goes. So, lately he's been confusing heaven with the cemetary, understandably. He was talking about how heaven is pretty close, and said, "you know that place on the way to school where the bodies live.". After coming home from preschool (in a church) today, he wanted to know where Jesus' parents live (they did a nativity scene), and I said heaven. He wanted to know how we could go there to visit them and if it's a long way, or, again, on the way to preschool. So, I haven't figured out a way to explain the concept of "soul" vs. body. Any tips?

Oh, the other thing that gets him thinking about death is that he's asked why flags fly at half-staff. I said that they lower the flag when someone dies. I didn't really want to get into a discussion about war, but he's seeing 1/2 staff flags all the time, so that brings up the topic as well.

[Fairy]

We're going thru this right now, as well. I have some thoughts on this, but I just finished a boring conference call (sometimes I have to deal with them at night) and am, therefore, running late on bedtime. Will be back later.

[Twoboos]

Maria Shriver's book "What is Heaven" talks about how the soul is what makes a person special inside. Kind of like their personality or favorite traits.

As far as the flags at half mast, you could say they are for soldiers, who help to keep our country safe, like police or fire fighters.

Hope this helps, we've dealt with a lot of death here. :)

[DrSally]

Maria Shriver's book "What is Heaven" talks about how the soul is what makes a person special inside. Kind of like their personality or favorite traits.

As far as the flags at half mast, you could say they are for soldiers, who help to keep our country safe, like police or fire fighters.

Hope this helps, we've dealt with a lot of death here. :)

I'll have to check out that book. It's aimed toward children, right? Another one to add to the library list. I like your explaination of soldiers. You don't really have to get into war, I guess to talk about soldiers.

[Twoboos]

I'll have to check out that book. It's aimed toward children, right? Another one to add to the library list. I like your explaination of soldiers. You don't really have to get into war, I guess to talk about soldiers.

Yes, it's aimed toward children. Not sure of your DC's age, but DDs who were 3 & 5 at the time got it.

Try explaining death in a veteran's cemetery!!! LOL. DD2 ran up and down the aisles of the cremation walls saying "Thank you Soldier! Thank you Soldier!" the first time we went to see my dad's grave site. :rolleye0014:

There are also other books that might be deeper than what you need - The Fall of Freddie the Leaf; I Miss You - A first look at Death; Waterbugs and Dragonflies.

[DrSally]

Great suggestions! Thank you.

[Fairy]

DS is asking alot of questions about death, and it's positively my least favorite subject. I get weepy trying to discuss it cuz I'm a sensitive person, and to juxtapose that with making a genuine effort to explain this to him in a straight-forward yet age-appropriate manner has been quite difficult. So, I know what you're dealing with a the moment, as I'm there, too.

Last year, DS had his first real undertanding that when you're dead, you're not alive anymore. Well, where do you go? I said some people believe that you're soul, which is the energy that makes you who you are lives forever and goes on to a place called Heaven where only souls live and not their bodies. We can't visit there, and we can't see them again wnen tehy're not alive anymore (I try to avoid "dead" but lately not so much). He kept asking why and where and all the W questions, and finally, I said, baby, I know it's hard to understand, but the truth is that even grown ups don't understand the answer to this question.

Shortly thereafter it was fear that mommy and daddy will die -- and that HE will die. He'd cry he doesn't want to die. I told him that he wouldn't die for a very very long time, and he asked "forever?" I said, we all die one day when we're very old, and he got hysterical. So, I made the decision that for now (then, actually, as it was a year ago, he was 4), that "forever" was fine. I said Mommy and Daddy are not going to die, we're here, and you don't have to every wrory about that. I figrued by the time he's old enough to rationally understand concepts of time and what 80 and 90 years old really means, he'll forget we said forever.

He's over that now, but is now really intersted in where God lives and if Heaven is nearby and when we die, we shouldn't creamate them, we should be able to visit them in the grave. I let him direct this discussion and ask him what he thinks. He has more opinions now than questions, and I let him have them whateer they are, unless there is blatantly wrong information he's believing.

it's a tough subject, and I literally hate it. I'm doing the best I can. sounds like you are, too.

HTH.

-- Hil

[citymama]

We had to go through this not too long ago following a death in the family and I got some excellent replies to my similar question. You could do a search (I think my post was in September).

I've found one of the best "crutches" I have when talking about difficult issues (death, reproduction, inequity) with DD has been her interest in the natural world. She knows about extinction, predators and prey, how animals reproduce (without the graphic details!). She has started to understand the concept of death through understanding the concept of extinction, hearing about people or creatures who once lived but are no longer alive...I also talk to her about my grandparents who are no longer alive and give her a chance to ask about what happened to them - people she doesn't actually have a personal connection with. People grow old and at some point aren't on this earth any more - OK, I get it, is her general attitude.

That said, it was and still is very hard for her (and all of us) to process the death of her baby cousin. Untimely death is a whole other matter and not easily explained or understood even by grown-ups, let alone children. :cry:

ETA I agree with the others about being honest and not sugar-coating. A lot of the euphemisms we use ("gone to a better place," "got sick," etc.) are confusing to kids and not helpful!

[mamicka]

I think you've gotten some great suggestions. I just wanted to add that what has worked for us is to just be completely honest. Obviously, you have to cater to the age of your child, but I don't "sugar-coat" stuff. I'm pretty clear on my personal beliefs on this & it is a big part of our religious beliefs, so not holding back on what we beleive to be true I think has helped lessen their confusion. IOW, we don't only talk about death as it relates to people we know having died, but it comes up in other discussions (for us) like Jesus & who he was & that he died on the cross. YKWIM?

Anyhow, it's a tough subject but it sounds like you're doing well with it. I think that kids can handle a lot if we're honest yet gentle with them. & sometimes it's OK to say that you don't know, if that's the truth.

[Melaine]

My grandmother died last Tuesday and we were staying at my other grandma's house for most of last week. It was very difficult for me to go to the other house (my grandmother who died) because I knew the girls would ask me where she was. I perfectly trust that she is in heaven with her Savior, but how to begin to explain that to 3 year olds, well, I had no idea. I decided to take the chicken way out and just say she wasn't there this time. There was so much going on for the rest of the week that they didn't actually ask about her again and I know they didn't understand what was going on at the funeral. Still, it's such a hard topic! I really hope it doesn't come up again for us for a long time!

[egoldber]

Being simple and honest is the best way. Don't overload with information, rather follow their lead with the questions they ask. When they want more info, they will ask.

We had to talk to Sarah when she was 3 about death because of Leah and then my own father died a few months later. So it was heavily on our minds for awhile there.

A book I find very helpful is When Dinosaurs Die by Marc Brown. It answers many of the common questions that kids have about death and dying and death rituals, mentions the beliefs of many different religions and also that some people have no religion. Just make sure to rpeview any books before reading them to your children because you need to be comfortable with it. We were given books by well meaning people and we had to get rid of many of them because they were not in line with our own beliefs.

We are not religious, so we never addressed that. But if you are, I would be careful about euphemisms like "going to a better place" and "moving on", etc. Make sure to explicitly explain that person's body has stopped working and they are no longer here. The euphemisms just confuse many children. It takes them awhile to process the finality of it, and saying things like "passed on" or "moved on" often makes them think that the person is coming back, they are just away for the moment.

Also, it's important to remember that children generally do not carry the baggage about death and dying that we adults do. If you are matter of fact about it, most do not find the initial discussions scary. Their fears are less about the dead body and what happens to it and more about what happens to THEM when mommy and daddy die.

[jse107]

Being simple and honest is the best way. Don't overload with information, rather follow their lead with the questions they ask. When they want more info, they will ask.

We had to talk to Sarah when she was 3 about death because of Leah and then my own father died a few months later. So it was heavily on our minds for awhile there.

A book I find very helpful is When Dinosaurs Die by Marc Brown. It answers many of the common questions that kids have about death and dying and death rituals, mentions the beliefs of many different religions and also that some people have no religion. Just make sure to rpeview any books before reading them to your children because you need to be comfortable with it. We were given books by well meaning people and we had to get rid of many of them because they were not in line with our own beliefs.

We are not religious, so we never addressed that. But if you are, I would be careful about euphemisms like "going to a better place" and "moving on", etc. Make sure to explicitly explain that person's body has stopped working and they are no longer here. The euphemisms just confuse many children. It takes them awhile to process the finality of it, and saying things like "passed on" or "moved on" often makes them think that the person is coming back, they are just away for the moment.

Also, it's important to remember that children generally do not carry the baggage about death and dying that we adults do. If you are matter of fact about it, most do not find the initial discussions scary. Their fears are less about the dead body and what happens to it and more about what happens to THEM when mommy and daddy die.

Well said! I will second the When Dinosaurs Die book. I use it at work, and I find that it answers many kids questions.

DS asks about death occasssionally, but we have been blessed that he has not had to deal with the death of a family member or close friend--yet. That said, he has two great-grandmothers who are each 90 years-old. When we go on walks, I point out that every living thing has a lifetime. Because we are not religious, I focus that everything becomes part of the earth again--trees that have fallen, leaves, animals, etc. Nature walks tend to be our "talking time." He is starting to get the concept. I comfort him by reminding him that when things we love die, which they will, we are still surrounded by them because they are part of our environment. They go on and help new things grow and live and we will always have our memories of the people and animals we love. When he asks about why it happens, I do the standard--things get old, they are very, very sick, etc. I reassure him that we go to the doctor to stay well and we do things to keep us safe so that we will be around a long, long time. He repeats it to himself--and me--and moves on.

I agree with Beth--for most kids they want to know what will happen to them if you are not there. It's really often a type of separation anxiety. Giving them information that helps them feel more in control often helps them feel better (we go to the dcotor, eat healthy food, get exercise, wear seatbelts, etc). I think it's also important to acknowedge that it's sad when it happens, and it's okay and normal to feel that way.

[DrSally]

Good points everyone. I've requested the Dinosaurs book (and the others listed that they had avail). I've tried to be upfront, simple, honest. DS does know that when people die, their body stops working, we don't get to see them anymore, and it's very sad. I'm actually not that religious and somewhat conflicted about religion (was raised very religious though, so it's sort of a part of me regardless). My mom is the one who suggested talking about "heaven" when DS asked where his grandpa was. I suppose it was partially a way of avoiding talking about the finality of death, which can cause a lot of anxiety in adults. I like the concept of talking about the cycle of life and using nature as examples.

I think I hit a wall when it came to talking about the body vs. the soul and trying to simplify that. My natural tendency is to think about academic/philosophical writings about the subject, which I know is not appropriate level of discourse for a child. So, I get stuck in how or whether to translate for a child, KWIM?

ITA that death is the ultimate separation and questions about death from children often evoke separation anxiety feelings. One can also say that each separation evokes unconscious feelings of death anxiety.

[StantonHyde]

on a slightly lighter note....wait till you have DC 1 who is interested in Egyptians and wants to read about mummies and DC 2 who then has to ask tons of questions about "the afterlife". I had to explain how people are buried or cremated--she doesn't want "that". And then that your soul or spirit goes to heaven. (I am more spiritual than religious but think a religious "foundation" is helpful) Then what happens to your spirit--not content with, "you live with God". So I just launched, maybe you get to be another baby--oh no, no reincarnation for this kid........

oy vey, sometimes you have to get creative in with the honesty part!!!

[DrSally]

So I just launched, maybe you get to be another baby--oh no, no reincarnation for this kid........

oy vey, sometimes you have to get creative in with the honesty part!!!

:ROTFLMAO: Funny! The worst fate for a toddler, going back to being a baby! When DD cries, DS says, "When I was a baby, I didn't cry". He's very adamant about that!