Opinions on Family Situation - VERY LONG

[lilycat88]

I need some new perspective...
How would you all handle this situation. I’ve made references to my FIL and his wife before but I’m at a point where I don’t know what to do, if anything.


Background…

My MIL passed away in 2003…5 months after DH and I got married. I never really knew her “well” since she was diagnosed with lung cancer only a couple of weeks after DH and I met in 2001. FIL is a healthy, vibrant and active man. He met his current wife sometime in 2003 and married her in late 2004. Yea him…I’m happy that he found another partner. At some point post first wife and pre second wife, he decided to run for public office on the state level. He’s now a state representative in his state. Again, yea him. He has all but retired from his optometry practice and is a full-time “politician”. I am truly happy that he has found happiness after MILs death.


But….you knew there was a but…


His “new” life has pushed out his “old” life. Unfortunately, that includes DH and DD to a great extent. His new wife has family in their hometown…two daughters, three grandchildren, a mother, a brother about an hour away and her deceased husband’s family as well. She is still close with her former husband’s family because he was killed in a auto accident when her daughters were in high school. FIL at all times makes a choice to spend holidays with his new wife’s family. They always visit for holidays but it’s always the weekend before or after. When I made a request 2 years ago that both sides of the family be at our house for either Thanksgiving or Christmas because it would be the only time it would ever happen (my dad was sick and he passed away this March), his darling new wife called me at work to inform me in her sickly southern way that if it were her, she wouldn’t want anyone else around if it were going to be the last holiday with one of her parents and that I really needed to think about whether I really wanted that or not. Translation…I don’t want to be away from my family for Thanksgiving. We will not travel there for Christmas. DH and I made the decision long ago that Christmas day was at our house…we do not travel until after Santa happens at our house. We also don’t want to expose DD to the inequity in gift giving between her grandchildren and our DD.


Quite frankly, I don’t care if they ever visit. His wife sits on the sofa and reads magazines all day while he sits and surfs the web on his phone. There is very little actual quality interaction. They lose all ability to clean up after themselves and, quite frankly, it’s a pain having them around. Generally, they make 3 trips a year here (7 hours away)…Thanksgiving’ish, Christmas’ish, and June’ish for DDs birthday. The Summer visit has to be worked around his political fundraising and campaign schedule. For the past couple of years, we’ve only made one long trip down there at the end of August. This has been mainly due to my dad being sick for 2 years (my mom and I are the only family) and before that, we were the primary caregiviers for my DHs cousin for about a year while she had surgery/treatment for a brain tumor. We both work full time as well. It’s been kind of hard to get away! The August trip will have to be rescheduled from this point on because we will not take DD out of school. So, we will be working around her breaks from now on.

DH is totally non-confrontational with his dad on this issue. Even though his dad will always choose his “new” family over him, he won’t say anything. I’ve seen how upset he is but I have to respect his decision. He’s basically afraid if he says something, it will get worse. But, now DD has figured out that they never come here ON the holiday and that they are always with A, B and C…new wife’s grandchildren…on Christmas. Pretty soon, that’s going to matter to her.


June is going to be a really busy month for us. DDs birthday party is June 26th, the new baby will be arriving June 14th or 15th most likely, DD’s dance recital is June 12th. I asked them to think early on about when they might be coming. If they are ONLY coming for the new baby, we need to prep DD for the fact that they won’t be here for her birthday. That’s huge for her AND coming right after the new baby, it could be pretty upsetting. His response…”are you sure you can’t have the party on the 27th or some other weekend in June”…as he scrolls through his calendar. Um…no.
I really don’t even want them here for the birth but how can I tell DH that when it’s so rare to even get them to visit? I would rather they wait 10 days or so and come for DDs birthday. Mainly for her but also so I don’t have to deal with them. Actually, I’d love it if his dad would come alone for the birth.


I would love to give myself a Christmas present and go completely ape on the guy and tell him how much he’s hurting his son and how much I can’t stand the fact that he won’t leave his wife’s side even if that means sacrificing his relationship with his only son and granddaughter. But, short of that, can I really do anything but sit back and watch?

Jamelin

ETA: I honestly do believe he's not doing any of this on purpose. He's just completely clueless and will do anything his new wife wants.

[jenandahalf]

My parents aren't interested in my life or my kids. My daughter doesn't even call them grandma and grandad like she does my ILs.

If your husband isn't bothered enough to do anything about it then you can't really step in for him - if he doesn't think anything will change then likely it won't. You can't force people to start caring.

The best thing you can do is figure out how to change your daughter's (and your own) expectations of their involvement in your lives. It sucks to have family that don't care but you have to realise that it's not you, it's them.

[Clarity]

I feel for you. My father is the same way. He and my DSM spend virtually all of their time with 2 of DSM's 3 children. It's worse now that step-sis had twins a year ago.
We see them for about 3 hours on Christmas at my grandmother's house. They spend Christmas eve and all day on Christmas with DSM's kids. The inequity makes me sick, but I try to let it go for my dc. I'm lucky enough that when they DO spend a bit of time with my dc, they are wonderful with them, but it's still hard to know that they don't make an effort more.

[BabyMine]

What was advised to me and what we do is that we celebrate with the immediate family. We post when something can happen and they can choose to be there or not. We don't make special arrangements to fit their schedule. I wouldn't ask them when they are comming but just tell them what is happening when. I am sorta dealing with this with MIL with her treatment of SIL over DH.

[saschalicks]

I feel you COMPLETELY. Except for the politician part you told the story of both my MIL and FIL who are divorced and both remarried. DH says nothing about the fact that both of his parents chose to spend more time and energy on their "new" family then the children they had. I get sooooo mad, but there's nothing I can do. My DS1 played soccer for the first time this year and MIL & sFIL did not come to one game however they go weekly to the games of his grandchildren, and have been for YEARS. They made no effort to see DS1's games and renigged (sp?) on the one time they were supposed to come. It broke my heart when DS1 was so disappointed, b/c despite their actions they are good grandparents when they are around my children. I barely speak to them and am never going to respect them as people. The only saving grace about FIL and sMIL is that they live 2K miles away.

Unfortunately, for you and me there's nothing we can do or say. It's hard at times and we just have to accept there's nothing to be done. I feel you more than you know. GL!

ETA: it took FIL & sMIL 8 mo to come meet DD and they had free plane tickets. As you can see the priority is definitely not DH nor our children.

[roobee]

I'm sorry your DH is going through that with his father. But I don't think guys don't tend to make the same big deal out of birthdays/holidays - and if FIL's wife is the one making plans I can see how those holidays can get away from him.

I also notice there is some inflexibility on your part - you will not travel for x-mas, you will not change DD's b-day party, you will not take DD out of school. You're family is free to make those choices, but if spending time with FIL is a priority then everyone needs to flex - not just them.

So maybe the new perspective here is that everyone needs to make a bigger effort - maybe you and DH have to be the bigger people for a while.

[KrisM]

I'm sorry your DH is going through that with his father. But I don't think guys don't tend to make the same big deal out of birthdays/holidays - and if FIL's wife is the one making plans I can see how those holidays can get away from him.

I also notice there is some inflexibility on your part - you will not travel for x-mas, you will not change DD's b-day party, you will not take DD out of school. You're family is free to make those choices, but if spending time with FIL is a priority then everyone needs to flex - not just them.

So maybe the new perspective here is that everyone needs to make a bigger effort - maybe you and DH have to be the bigger people for a while.

I agree. I'm not sure why you can't move your DD's party by 1 day? Would it really make such a difference to have it the 27th vs. the 26th? Or, move the party to coincide with the dance recital or the new baby. I can't imagine expecting my parents to make a 7 hour trip twice in a month, or to stay 2 weeks just to hit all events.

Maybe offer up the days/times that work for you and have them pick? Or in reverse. It sounds like they have things they don't want to move and you have things you don't want to move. Someone or both need more flexibility.

[lilycat88]

Re: Party
We can't move her party because we're having it at a local water park/recreation center and they only do Saturday parties. Her choice and easy for us with a newborn. But, more importantly, the 27th is a Sunday. For our family, and most of DDs friends who would be attending, Sunday is reserved for church. Perhaps you view it as inflexible. But, it actually adds a layer of predictability. We've told both sides that her party is always going to be the weekend before the 4th of July unless there is some bizarre circumstance. No surprises. If FIL chooses to schedule a golf outing fundraiser that Friday, it's not like he didn't have fair warning. This will be the 6th year it's been that weekend. If we moved things to coincide and be convenient for him, we would have dance recital rehearsal on Friday, birthday party on Saturday morning, recital on Saturday afternoon and Baby on Monday. Would you want to do that? I'll be having a planned c-section and I'd end up at the hospital to get some rest! :ROTFLMAO:

Again, perhaps it's viewed as inflexible but the decisions we made regarding Christmas and school are reflective of our values and the way we were raised. During the school year, school is the top priority and to be worked around. As far as traveling on Christmas, that's also the way DH and were both also raised. So, again, this shouldn't be a surprise to FIL. These were both things his father and mother did.

As far as driving, if FIL didn't drive 6 hours every Monday and Thursday to go to the state capitol and back home, perhaps I would be a bit more understanding of his view of this being such a long trip. He could stay in the capitol like most of the legislators during session but his wife demands he make the trip home.

And, to be clear, I do not expect them to stay for the entire 2 weeks...God help us all...or to come twice. I do expect him them to let us know which they choose early on. And again, if he wasn't so eager to charter a private plane to bring his wife to the capitol on the rare weekends he can't make it home, I would be a bit more understanding of his reluctance. He could certainly get on a plane as well. Money isn't an object.

[jenandahalf]

I don't see why you should have to put yourself through hoops for people who don't even want to be there. They know when your events are and they choose to not make themselves available. How much are you willing to be that if you did move things around that they would cancel anyway? My best friend has this kind of problem with her inlaws who fly for free (pilot for major airline) and they still find every reason under the sun to cancel planned trips.

[KrisM]

And, to be clear, I do not expect them to stay for the entire 2 weeks...God help us all...or to come twice. I do expect him them to let us know which they choose early on. .

Totally reasonable.

On the party date then, with what is planned, I can see why you can't move it to a Sunday. Our family often has Sunday parties, as our church is only about an hour or so, but I know others have different churches/tradtions and yours is reasonable, since it's his, too.

I don't pull my kids from school for vacations either. And, I don't travel over Christmas. But, that means we don't see DH's side of the family for Christmas or Thanksgiving. And, we only travel in summer and choose not to use our vacation every year for visiting his family, so we only see them every other year. Our choices make it that way.

It's totally reasonable to have the values of not pulling kids from school and staying home on holidays, but then you risk others not being available when you want them to be. They make their choices as you make yours and sometimes that means people lose out.

Having them make a decision on when they are coming a month or two in advance is completely reasonable. Having them change their traditions to match yours is unlikely to happen, it sounds like. Maybe you could stay home on Christmas every other year and get with them half the time or some other compromise.