lilycat88
12-22-2009, 03:13 PM
I need some new perspective...
How would you all handle this situation. I’ve made references to my FIL and his wife before but I’m at a point where I don’t know what to do, if anything.
Background…
My MIL passed away in 2003…5 months after DH and I got married. I never really knew her “well” since she was diagnosed with lung cancer only a couple of weeks after DH and I met in 2001. FIL is a healthy, vibrant and active man. He met his current wife sometime in 2003 and married her in late 2004. Yea him…I’m happy that he found another partner. At some point post first wife and pre second wife, he decided to run for public office on the state level. He’s now a state representative in his state. Again, yea him. He has all but retired from his optometry practice and is a full-time “politician”. I am truly happy that he has found happiness after MILs death.
But….you knew there was a but…
His “new” life has pushed out his “old” life. Unfortunately, that includes DH and DD to a great extent. His new wife has family in their hometown…two daughters, three grandchildren, a mother, a brother about an hour away and her deceased husband’s family as well. She is still close with her former husband’s family because he was killed in a auto accident when her daughters were in high school. FIL at all times makes a choice to spend holidays with his new wife’s family. They always visit for holidays but it’s always the weekend before or after. When I made a request 2 years ago that both sides of the family be at our house for either Thanksgiving or Christmas because it would be the only time it would ever happen (my dad was sick and he passed away this March), his darling new wife called me at work to inform me in her sickly southern way that if it were her, she wouldn’t want anyone else around if it were going to be the last holiday with one of her parents and that I really needed to think about whether I really wanted that or not. Translation…I don’t want to be away from my family for Thanksgiving. We will not travel there for Christmas. DH and I made the decision long ago that Christmas day was at our house…we do not travel until after Santa happens at our house. We also don’t want to expose DD to the inequity in gift giving between her grandchildren and our DD.
Quite frankly, I don’t care if they ever visit. His wife sits on the sofa and reads magazines all day while he sits and surfs the web on his phone. There is very little actual quality interaction. They lose all ability to clean up after themselves and, quite frankly, it’s a pain having them around. Generally, they make 3 trips a year here (7 hours away)…Thanksgiving’ish, Christmas’ish, and June’ish for DDs birthday. The Summer visit has to be worked around his political fundraising and campaign schedule. For the past couple of years, we’ve only made one long trip down there at the end of August. This has been mainly due to my dad being sick for 2 years (my mom and I are the only family) and before that, we were the primary caregiviers for my DHs cousin for about a year while she had surgery/treatment for a brain tumor. We both work full time as well. It’s been kind of hard to get away! The August trip will have to be rescheduled from this point on because we will not take DD out of school. So, we will be working around her breaks from now on.
DH is totally non-confrontational with his dad on this issue. Even though his dad will always choose his “new” family over him, he won’t say anything. I’ve seen how upset he is but I have to respect his decision. He’s basically afraid if he says something, it will get worse. But, now DD has figured out that they never come here ON the holiday and that they are always with A, B and C…new wife’s grandchildren…on Christmas. Pretty soon, that’s going to matter to her.
June is going to be a really busy month for us. DDs birthday party is June 26th, the new baby will be arriving June 14th or 15th most likely, DD’s dance recital is June 12th. I asked them to think early on about when they might be coming. If they are ONLY coming for the new baby, we need to prep DD for the fact that they won’t be here for her birthday. That’s huge for her AND coming right after the new baby, it could be pretty upsetting. His response…”are you sure you can’t have the party on the 27th or some other weekend in June”…as he scrolls through his calendar. Um…no.
I really don’t even want them here for the birth but how can I tell DH that when it’s so rare to even get them to visit? I would rather they wait 10 days or so and come for DDs birthday. Mainly for her but also so I don’t have to deal with them. Actually, I’d love it if his dad would come alone for the birth.
I would love to give myself a Christmas present and go completely ape on the guy and tell him how much he’s hurting his son and how much I can’t stand the fact that he won’t leave his wife’s side even if that means sacrificing his relationship with his only son and granddaughter. But, short of that, can I really do anything but sit back and watch?
Jamelin
ETA: I honestly do believe he's not doing any of this on purpose. He's just completely clueless and will do anything his new wife wants.
How would you all handle this situation. I’ve made references to my FIL and his wife before but I’m at a point where I don’t know what to do, if anything.
Background…
My MIL passed away in 2003…5 months after DH and I got married. I never really knew her “well” since she was diagnosed with lung cancer only a couple of weeks after DH and I met in 2001. FIL is a healthy, vibrant and active man. He met his current wife sometime in 2003 and married her in late 2004. Yea him…I’m happy that he found another partner. At some point post first wife and pre second wife, he decided to run for public office on the state level. He’s now a state representative in his state. Again, yea him. He has all but retired from his optometry practice and is a full-time “politician”. I am truly happy that he has found happiness after MILs death.
But….you knew there was a but…
His “new” life has pushed out his “old” life. Unfortunately, that includes DH and DD to a great extent. His new wife has family in their hometown…two daughters, three grandchildren, a mother, a brother about an hour away and her deceased husband’s family as well. She is still close with her former husband’s family because he was killed in a auto accident when her daughters were in high school. FIL at all times makes a choice to spend holidays with his new wife’s family. They always visit for holidays but it’s always the weekend before or after. When I made a request 2 years ago that both sides of the family be at our house for either Thanksgiving or Christmas because it would be the only time it would ever happen (my dad was sick and he passed away this March), his darling new wife called me at work to inform me in her sickly southern way that if it were her, she wouldn’t want anyone else around if it were going to be the last holiday with one of her parents and that I really needed to think about whether I really wanted that or not. Translation…I don’t want to be away from my family for Thanksgiving. We will not travel there for Christmas. DH and I made the decision long ago that Christmas day was at our house…we do not travel until after Santa happens at our house. We also don’t want to expose DD to the inequity in gift giving between her grandchildren and our DD.
Quite frankly, I don’t care if they ever visit. His wife sits on the sofa and reads magazines all day while he sits and surfs the web on his phone. There is very little actual quality interaction. They lose all ability to clean up after themselves and, quite frankly, it’s a pain having them around. Generally, they make 3 trips a year here (7 hours away)…Thanksgiving’ish, Christmas’ish, and June’ish for DDs birthday. The Summer visit has to be worked around his political fundraising and campaign schedule. For the past couple of years, we’ve only made one long trip down there at the end of August. This has been mainly due to my dad being sick for 2 years (my mom and I are the only family) and before that, we were the primary caregiviers for my DHs cousin for about a year while she had surgery/treatment for a brain tumor. We both work full time as well. It’s been kind of hard to get away! The August trip will have to be rescheduled from this point on because we will not take DD out of school. So, we will be working around her breaks from now on.
DH is totally non-confrontational with his dad on this issue. Even though his dad will always choose his “new” family over him, he won’t say anything. I’ve seen how upset he is but I have to respect his decision. He’s basically afraid if he says something, it will get worse. But, now DD has figured out that they never come here ON the holiday and that they are always with A, B and C…new wife’s grandchildren…on Christmas. Pretty soon, that’s going to matter to her.
June is going to be a really busy month for us. DDs birthday party is June 26th, the new baby will be arriving June 14th or 15th most likely, DD’s dance recital is June 12th. I asked them to think early on about when they might be coming. If they are ONLY coming for the new baby, we need to prep DD for the fact that they won’t be here for her birthday. That’s huge for her AND coming right after the new baby, it could be pretty upsetting. His response…”are you sure you can’t have the party on the 27th or some other weekend in June”…as he scrolls through his calendar. Um…no.
I really don’t even want them here for the birth but how can I tell DH that when it’s so rare to even get them to visit? I would rather they wait 10 days or so and come for DDs birthday. Mainly for her but also so I don’t have to deal with them. Actually, I’d love it if his dad would come alone for the birth.
I would love to give myself a Christmas present and go completely ape on the guy and tell him how much he’s hurting his son and how much I can’t stand the fact that he won’t leave his wife’s side even if that means sacrificing his relationship with his only son and granddaughter. But, short of that, can I really do anything but sit back and watch?
Jamelin
ETA: I honestly do believe he's not doing any of this on purpose. He's just completely clueless and will do anything his new wife wants.