Bring DS to overseas wedding? Arguing with DH...

[toby]

This is non-Christmasy, but I have been stewing and need some advice.

Some background:
-DH is older than I am and has 3 grown children from a previous marriage; we have been married for 11 years and have one DS (5 years).
-DH works long hours and I am a SAHM= I am the primary caretaker
-DS is a challenging kid-- very persistent, strong-willed, verbal, has some sensory issues
-DH is an eternal optimist, not many things bother him and he has very little appreciation of how much work I do on a daily basis

Our nephew is getting married in July in England.

My thought was that DH and I would go and DS would stay with my mom (who he loves). We will only be gone for 3 days.
DH and his daughter (who is married, but doesn't have kids) are insistent that DS comes to England with us. DH says that we shouldn't "deny" DS an experience like this. I think that DH and daughter think that I am being selfish...

DH and I have not been on a trip for just the two of us since before DS was born. Even when we are on family vacations (which tend to be long weekends), DH still does work and I end up doing the most parenting. To be honest, this is more about me having some recharging time and not about together-time with DH (I am not too happy with him right now). The thought of traveling overseas with DS feels really daunting and exhausting. I know that I CAN do it, but I just don't want to (wow, that sounds really selfish).

The only other "child" going will be our 13 year old niece. I don't think that our nephew will care if DS comes- they don't know eachother well. Also, I just don't think that it would be appropriate to bring DS along to the rehearsal dinner etc, so we would need to find a babysitter.

So, obviously you know how I stand on this...I would love to hear some feedback.

[hillview]

DD does not get a vote -- this is btwn you and DH. If it were me, I'd tell DH that you need some "us" time and that you think the UK trip would be perfect for that. If (due to family etc) he feels it is imperative DS come with you then he needs to arrange another weekend away for "us" time within a month or so. I think men are often clueless about "us" time and how hard we work :)
/hillary

[Tondi G]

While I would hate to leave my child home on a trip to the UK since I think it would be a great experience, I am not so sure a 3 day trip would be worth it with a 5 year old if he could happily stay home with grandma. The flight is long and he will not have a chance to shake the jet lag... it will probably screw up an sleep schedule he has at this point (at least he won't be in school in July!). I can understand your DH wanting him to come along but there won't be too much sight seeing etc if you are squeezing England in in 3 days for a wedding.

I can totally see both points of view. If it will be more stress for you (which it sounds like it will be) and your kiddo won't feel left out I would consider leaving him with grandma. Maybe you should approach it to your husband that you would like the opportunity to enjoy the wedding with him as a husband and wife and not have all the stress of entertaining your child (on the flight, in a hotel, at the wedding etc.). If he can't see it your way then he needs to step up and provide a TON of help for you in caring for your DS while you are on the trip.

[jenandahalf]

Does this side of the family live in England? I can imagine if they do that they'd like to see him if they don't get much of a chance. But honestly my almost 6yo is used to international travel (we're actually from the UK) and I wouldn't take her to the UK and back just for a 3 day trip, the flight alone is enough work and then by the time she settles into the routine you have to do it all over. And of course there is the cost - a summer flight to the UK doesn't run cheap and kids don't generally get a discount anymore.

And really my daughter doesn't remember any of the amazing places we have taken her to, at this age the experience is not one they will carry with them forever. Better to plan a better trip for a few years time when you can do a lot more planning and spend more time there. A hurried 3 days of which most will be spent travelling isn't going to be that fun for a 5yo.

Did the couple even invite your son, it's becoming a lot more common for kids to not be invited to weddings nowadays. We actually had to miss one recently for this reason which was really a shame.

If your husband doesn't think your actual reasons to not bring your son are valid enough maybe these will carry more weight with him.

[cvanbrunt]

Why not send DH and his daughter to the UK with your son? You get a little time alone and DH gets a tiny taste of your workload.

[DebbieJ]

I would not take him for reasons all the others have mentioned.

[kransden]

I have been to Europe childless several times. I have flown dd across the USA several times. I can't imagine taking dd to Europe for that short of a trip when you have a willing babysitter!!!!!!! It sounds to me that sdd is either a clueless wonder or wants to make you miserable. There is no way I would take ds on this trip. I don't think ds would look back at this trip as a good time either. It sounds like you're going to the wedding then leaving. Not loads of fun for a small child.

[o_mom]

I have been to Europe childless several times. I have flown dd across the USA several times. I can't imagine taking dd to Europe for that short of a trip when you have a willing babysitter!!!!!!! It sounds to me that sdd is either a clueless wonder or wants to make you miserable. There is no way I would take ds on this trip. I don't think ds would look back at this trip as a good time either. It sounds like you're going to the wedding then leaving. Not loads of fun for a small child.

:yeahthat:

I don't see the experience you are "denying" as being that big of a deal.... trans-atlantic overnight flight, jet-lag, hotel (which are not usually the same level of 'fun-ness' as a US hotel), wedding, and then go home? It's not like you are going to have time for sight-seeing at all. What is there to experience that you can't get by keeping him up late a couple nights and letting him live on convenience foods?

[DietCokeLover]

Why not send DH and his daughter to the UK with your son? You get a little time alone and DH gets a tiny taste of your workload.

:bighand: I vote for this one!

[TwinFoxes]

My niece, who was five at the time and who I see at least yearly, took her first airplane ride to be flower girl in our wedding. (DH is also her godfather). She doesn't remember a THING! And we got married in DC so she got to see the White House etc. So the notion that you are depriving DS of the experience, well there's no guarantee he'd remember it anyway.

DSD needs to butt out.

[wellyes]

I don't see the experience you are "denying" as being that big of a deal.... trans-atlantic overnight flight, jet-lag, hotel (which are not usually the same level of 'fun-ness' as a US hotel), wedding, and then go home? It's not like you are going to have time for sight-seeing at all. What is there to experience that you can't get by keeping him up late a couple nights and letting him live on convenience foods?

Agreed! But - if you DH & his family are very very insistent - I'd say fine, we'll bring the kid, but insist on a just-the-two of you sightseeing vacation for a FULL WEEK this spring.

[jenandahalf]

:yeahthat:

I don't see the experience you are "denying" as being that big of a deal.... trans-atlantic overnight flight, jet-lag, hotel (which are not usually the same level of 'fun-ness' as a US hotel), wedding, and then go home? It's not like you are going to have time for sight-seeing at all. What is there to experience that you can't get by keeping him up late a couple nights and letting him live on convenience foods?

watch it, that is my home country you know!;)

[toby]

Are any of you available to have a conference call with my DH?! Thank you for your support and suggestions.

DH is now saying that we will leave on a Wednesday and come back on a Sunday. So, we would be gone 5 days including travel.

The comment about sending DH and DS by themselves made me laugh since I had fantasized about this, but I think that BIL, SIL and nephew would be offended (and DH might forget to feed DS!)

Nephew and fiance are the only ones who live in England. He moved there from the US a few years ago for work and she is originally from Ireland.

DH's daughter lives in a different state than we do and loves seeing DS (which is really nice)-- I think that she wants to be able to see him in England, but is also shocked that I am even thinking about not bringing him (I know that I have to get over what she thinks, but I hate being judged).

We have not gotten a formal invitation, but there has been no implication that DS is invited. I tried to tell DH that this event is not about DS and we don't even know if he is invited, but DH said that "we could always get a babysitter" (hmmm...not too comfortable with that one, honey).

I should move this last part over to the B*tching Post, but I am not going to even ask DH about taking a trip for just the two of us. Last year, for our 10th anniversary, I said that it would be nice if we could go away for a long weekend together. He said "with DS?" I said, "No. The two of us." He said, "But I would miss DS." He couldn't understand why I was upset and said that I "misinterpreted" his comment.

I need to now go make a list of all of the things that I do like DH because I am feeling pretty down on him. OMG- I can hear him opening the "condom drawer" in the bedroom. Not. In. The. Mood.

[DietCokeLover]

I need to now go make a list of all of the things that I do like DH because I am feeling pretty down on him. OMG- I can hear him opening the "condom drawer" in the bedroom. Not. In. The. Mood.

I almost spit my coke out when I read that!

[Momof3Labs]

OMG- I can hear him opening the "condom drawer" in the bedroom. Not. In. The. Mood.

OMG, you got me too. This is one to add to the BBB classics...

OTOH, I agree on leaving him at home, especially since you have a willing babysitter. Not to be harsh, but it sounds like your marriage has a few issues at the moment - could your DH be pushing to bring DS so that the two of you won't be alone together??

[o_mom]

watch it, that is my home country you know!;)

Naw... I'm not still bitter about the hotel room that had exactly 12 in of space on two out of three sides of the full-size bed. :D

[SnuggleBuggles]

I would not hesitate to take a 5yo on the trip.

However, if you want a long date weekend sans kids I think that is understandable. If this weren't a family wedding then I'd be all over leaving ds at home. However, it is a family wedding and I think you should bring him. If you really and truly feel strongly about needing a break and this is the only chance you have then that is something your dh should get on board with though, imo.

Beth

[niccig]

I've gone to London from LA to see my sisters. I left on Wed afternoon of Thanksgiving and was back Sunday afternoon. I was jet lagged the ENTIRE time. The Friday I was there, I slept the good part of the Friday while my sister was working. I would do it again, but not with DS. I agree with leaving DS at home with grandma. He'll have more fun and you two get to have some adult time. I want to take DS to see my sisters, but it'll be 7 days minimum + the 2 days of travel time....

[bubbaray]

I would not do that trip (from the Westcoast) for 3 days for ME let alone with a young child. Not a chance.

[Corie]

There is NO WAY in hell that I would take our 5 yr. old son to England
for a wedding.

He was a total pain in the rear on our Disney trip last month.

I cannot even begin to imagine how horrible the flight would be to get
there and come home.

Plus, I really don't think a 3-day trip to England would be any fun for him.
My 5 yr. old son would rather stay home. And I would rather him stay
home too. :)



I completely agree with you! I'm fortunate though that my DH would
also know to keep our son at home too.

[marit]

Why not send DH and his daughter to the UK with your son? You get a little time alone and DH gets a tiny taste of your workload.

PERFECT!!!

Now seriously. I travel internationally with my kids every year. It takes about one day per one hour time difference for the jet lag to settle. So depending on where in the US you are it would theoretically take between 5-8 days for the jet lag to go away. That means you will spend all trip in the UK living in US time. Adults can force themselves to stay awake longer - kids, not so much. That means you son would probably sleep through the wedding anyways.

If you have to take him with you and can't win this argument, I would at least make it a week's trip or longer.

[stefani]

Your DS is still little, and a 3-day transatlantic trip is not exactly an experience of a lifetime :-) Sorry :-)

I have a 6-year-old, who loves traveling in airplanes, and we have traveled to Asia several times (36 to 40 hour trip house-to-house). We are usually gone for 3 weeks though. So, if your trip were for 3 weeks, then yes, I would suggest taking your DS along, but not for 3 days. IMHO, it will be best for everyone not to take your DS along.

Good luck and have fun! Any chance of extending the trip a couple more days so you can sight-see and have some couple-time?

[Nooknookmom]

Why not send DH and his daughter to the UK with your son? You get a little time alone and DH gets a tiny taste of your workload.

I like your way of thinking.

But, I'd leave him w/ Grandma. It sounds like it would mess up his schedule and if he is already high needs, etc, he may be out of sorts the whole trip. I know my youngest DD is very very high needs and strong willed and I have trouble w/ flying to GA to see my folks. We even break up the trip (for her to get a break from sitting and for my back to get a break from sitting) and it is still trying on her behavior.

If DH would go with the plan of DS staying home, you could have some nice alone time AND give yourself a break. I know firsthand how tiring it is to parent a strong willed child!

Good luck and have a great trip!

[elephantmeg]

I would leave him too. I traveled through Europe at 7 and barely remember it and what I do is more miserable walking, walking, walking and no toys to play with, getting sick on airplane food, LONG flights with smatterings of cool memories-crown jewels, changing of the guards etc.

[mommy111]

My kids do much better with jet lag than I do. I think there is a potential for the 5 day trip to be reasonable and possibly fun for your DS, especially if there are other family members there such as DSD willing to lend a hand
However,


DH and I have not been on a trip for just the two of us since before DS was born. Even when we are on family vacations (which tend to be long weekends), DH still does work and I end up doing the most parenting. To be honest, this is more about me having some recharging time and not about together-time with DH (I am not too happy with him right now). The thought of traveling overseas with DS feels really daunting and exhausting. I know that I CAN do it, but I just don't want to (wow, that sounds really selfish).
That says it all for me. You are the primary caregiver for DS. You do not feel up to caring for him in these circumstances. You are exhausted. You have a willing babysitter in grandma, a much safer situation than any sitter you could leave your son with in the UK. So I don't see why DH should even get a say in this (but I am grouchy today :)). You don't want to take care of DS there, better to leave him with a sitter you and he are comfortable with here than make his life miserable with a new sitter there.

[jenandahalf]

Honestly I think you are just going to have to come out and tell him the truth about why you don't want to take your son - you need a break. Maybe this is really a larger conversation you need to have about how strained you are feeling in general by your workload.

It's great that his half-sister wants to spend time with him but she is welcome to come and visit any time she wants. I'm sure that not taking him at this point is going to become a big deal you will never hear the end of so you might be better off trying to negotiate how to make it easier on yourself. For example, the rooms there are smaller and so are the cars, so he has to spend up on getting sufficient space for you all. Make sure he buys the more spacious seats on the plane and definitely make sure your seats are all together on the plane as soon as you book because it is common for them to split you up now (happens to us all the time and they won't always move other passengers). Get a guide book or get online and find some things you want to do and make sure they are planned into the trip.

[JTsMom]

Love the idea of sending him with your DH! There's no way I would want to take a high-maintenance kiddo on that trip, and I agree that it probably would not be very fun for him at all. What 5 year old wants to do all of that traveling, sit through a wedding, and hang out with a bunch of people he doesn't know? I hope you guys can come to an agreement that works for you. :hug:

[JBaxter]

I have 4 boys and MY opinion is that its to much for a little boy( or girl) to expect them to adjust the time difference on such a short trip. I did a 4 day London trip from the east coast and I was exhausted and I took somethign to help me sleep.

No way I'd take any of the boys. If your Mom is willing to keep him then go that route.
"I" wouldnt go if my 6 yr old was on a 4 day european trip. If you (or my) would insist then they would have to go with out me.

[hellokitty]

Wow OP, your DH sounds like a piece of work! He obviously doesn't have any clue what it is like to travel with small children. If he is going to, "miss" your child so much, I think that it's an indication that he doesn't spend enough with your DS and the first thing I'd suggest is that he spend more 1-1 time with your DS. It sounds like once he gets a taste of being the sole parent responsible for your son, he will come to realize that this trip could be challenging. As for the trip, my kids love to travel, BUT in your case, with needing some 1-1 time with your DH and with it being a short trip (and a boring wedding, I mean, come on, weddings are VERY boring for children), I feel your son is better off staying with gma. I would not even let your DH make the decision on this one, it just has no clue what children are like...

[Corie]

OMG- I can hear him opening the "condom drawer" in the bedroom. Not. In. The. Mood.


You must have a boat-load of condoms if they have their own separate drawer.

Yowza!