Gratitude?

[kijip]

I started typing this in the toy hit and miss thread and decided to start a thread on it in the lounge. In year's past, T has always been so cute and happy about his Christmas gifts and seemingly appreciative. I would love to have experience that this year but at least at home and in private we did not.

T was not all that appreciative of his overall level of gifts which, given that I grew up very poor financially, I will admit is maddening to me. I never said a single word to my parents expressing discontent with a Christmas and that is not an exaggeration. Before I was Toby's age I was acutely aware that you did not always get what you wanted and that there were exceedingly limited resources. This did not see bad or sad, it just was life and how life was. Sort of a "well, duh you don't get everything you want or need" feeling.

Is lack of gratitude a function of being 6 and middle class and relatively well off? Does it mean he is terribly spoiled? He is not known to act spoiled generally, does not have the gimmes in the store etc. He did not throw a tantrum, he just looked forlorn and ready to cry. I don't really feel a lot of empathy for him here, as cold as that sounds. It's not like he got nothing fun for Christmas- he got a Wii Fit, Snap Circuits, 3 books, a CD, fun stocking stuff just from us and Santa plus bedding plus a ton of stuff from relatives. That is exceedingly generous IMO and includes what he identified as his most wanted thing- Wii Fit. He has played with it a lot and seems to like it so it's not that the gift itself is a let down.

We thought we had done a good job only getting him stuff at Xmas and Birthday (in between, we occasionally get him books, usually used and he gets his allowance and is expected to use it for things he wants, including gifts for his close friends (I buy little gifts for his school friend's b-days). He does not spend all of this money and most recently bought things for others, not himself. But clearly we misfired somewhere a long the line. I am feeling like I need to curtail it more in the future (ie give less at Christmas) so he learns to appreciate things more. I hope this is just a stage.

On the upside (and ironically enough), he was excellent with thanking people and expressing interest in everything people gave him when we were at my brother's house, even if it was not something he liked at all.

His disappointment is centered specifically on not receiving all three larger things that were on his list. But he has never received everything on his list and we have never for one second led him to believe that that was possible or doable. Last year, he seemed to get this and was so excited with what he did get, he didn't think a lot about what he did not get. This year, even looking at and using the nice things he did get, he is dwelling on what he did not get. I know my own childhood is factoring a lot into my feelings about this subject. It's frustrating to my husband as well, but not to the same degree because he sees it more as a normal stage and says he had times like this as a child. He did come from a much better off financially family than I did, so he is not seeing it though the lens I am. Which is likely a good thing. But I have a hard time seeing this as ok or normal. I don't expect a profuse thanks just a greater understanding that he is fortunate. But maybe part of being fortunate from birth is naivete at some points about being fortunate? I don't expect the maturity of a much older child out of him, so maybe part of this is my own unrealistic expectations. Maybe this is a live and learn experience for him and he will absorb the lesson and move forward ok. I will want to shoot my eye out if I have a whiny greedy, entitled older child and I can't fully separate what is normal child disappointment from what is whiny, greedy entitlement.

I have always done all of the things parents are told to help build generosity and a caring spirit...on a fairly significant scale. T has helped us since before he could help with service projects and not just at the holidays.

I am truly flummoxed by this.

[ellies mom]

Six is weird. I'm going to go with normal. I think this is when they really start to get Christmas and lists and the idea that they really may get what they want. Even if they no longer believe in Santa, it is still pretty magical to them.

It could also have been a bit of stress. You said he was on his best behavior all day so maybe part of it was just releasing nerves. He probably really had his heart set on those items and really believed he was going to get it and since you don't really buy stuff other than birthdays and Christmas, he knows he probably won't ever get it. And honestly, it is OK to be disappointed. You could use this opportunity to teach him how to express disappointment gracefully.

You are doing a great job with T, I wouldn't worry about it.

[Elilly]

Colleen is 7 and was also near tears on Christmas Day. She did not receive a DS or the Playmobil Hospital that she wanted. She did receive a new bike, AG doll clothes and bed, a cat's cradle, and a puzzle.... and that was just from us and Santa!! For us personally, I do think that it has to do with the fact that our kids have a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, full tummies, and their friends have the same. Their perception of need vs want is different than the obvious reality. I think at that age, they are starting to realize that they don't get everything that they want and that is a harsh reality for kids who have grown up without any true needs. I wonder if this is why a lot of kids begin not believing in Santa around this age.

[bnme]

6 is weird. My DS got a DSI & 3 games and he was annoyed that we disabled the on-line store where you can buy mini games. He know about it because we have Wii and DH has bought them a few mini games in the past.

I am finding that he is a a stage (hopefully!) where he seems to want, or at least notice, what other people have. "Ryan takes pez for lunch, how come I don't?"

I think T's dissapointment dounds very normal, or even low-average. I think it probably hits home for you more because of your rough financial situation growing up.

On a side note, I do remember as a child NEVER asking my parents for anything and only graciously excepting whatever they offered (we were typical middle-class). I remember being at the mall and wishing that they would offer to buy me an ice cream cone, but would never in a million years ask. And if they said "oh, lets get cookies" I would say "sure". Not ask if I could have ice cream instead. To this day I am not very assertive about voicing my opinion and tend to defer to others in situations like these ("I don't care where we eat, wherever you want to eat") and I associate it with my childhood and it makes me a little glad the DS is not shy about voicing hs opinion.

[o_mom]

He sounds normal to me. :) We work a whole lot on being happy with what you have with DS1. He is a huge "grass is always greener" type. It doesn't matter if he gets to choose something, as soon as someone else has something different he wants it. He is focused on the things he didn't get and not what he did (we didn't go overboard either - 3-4 gifts, stockings and one shared 'santa' gift). It is a work in progress and some kids get it more than others. Honestly T sounds like he is well ahead of mine on that front.

I read a thread one time on MDC about food choices. Much of it was the usual discussion about how as kids they would have never complained about food that was served and were grateful for just having food, etc. Someone pointed out that as a child the poster's family didn't have enough food and that was the way it was. If they didn't like dinner, there wasn't anything in the cupboard. However today, telling a child that what is on the table is all there is isn't being honest because there is a whole fridge and pantry full of food. You can't teach that same lesson in the same way because things are not the same. He knows, on some level, that you *could* buy those things if you wanted, but doesn't fully get why it doesn't make sense in the bigger picture of your budget/needs. It is that awareness that is growing and not in sync with the understanding that it is not that way for everyone.

Your childhood taught you in one way and while it was a lesson you are glad you learned, you can't replicate it with T unless you voluntarily give up your middle-class life. Not a judgement at all (as I sit in my suburban home with two cars, etc. :) ), but just the way it is. Just as someone that had a tragic childhood of any sort that grew from it would not choose that for their child either. Keep on with what you are doing and he will come back around. I have watched it with nieces and nephews who at that age I thought were the most spoiled kids ever and now are fine young men and women.

Hope this makes sense... have to run for more holiday stuff. :)

[hbridge]

Six is a tough age. DD keeps saying she received everything she asked for. Yep, Santa brought the Zhu Zhu Pets and one Barbie toy; that was all that was in her letter to him. In past years the letter has included a long list, but this year we had her write it herself and writing is difficult for her.

She is just so excited she received EVERYTHING. It's really cute since they were both purchased well in advance of the letter being written.

HOWEVER, we are working on being polite. Especially after she announced to her aunt that she "already has this game" and looked so dissappointed with a gift card to American Girl. It's a tough age. They know what is correct, but that instinct to say and do what they feel is terribly strong.

My advise is to let him work through this one on his own. Gently remind him that we can't get everything that we want and then let him figure out how to internalize his dissapointment. If it is dissapointment. This is a good lesson for him and he will be happy with what he has...

[alexsmommy]

Normal, and you are doing way more than most to ensure that as he matures he will turn into the generous, non-materialistic young man that you want to raise with all the exposure the gets to helping others and learning to pay for many of his own items.
Like you, DS1 got the one big gift he really wanted (which was a last minute purchase made at his hospital bedside via Amazon, it was supposed to be his Feb b-day gift) and several OTHER large gifts, and he still expressed disappointment at not getting more "toys." Now mind you, I asked NUMEROUS times if he didn't want to add more imaginiative play type toys because I refuse to buy a list of all wii games. Since he never really added any, like you I added the snapctricty set plus scrambled states game and a few other things. Yet later in the day we got the sad face and the words than make my blood boil, "I'm bored" at one point on Christmas day. That's when he mentioned he wished had received more toys. I largely ignore this type of comment and just emphasize being grateful for what we have. This year I told him to remember how he wants toys when he asks for b-day presents and changed the subject before I became really annoyed.
At this age, we can explain and expose them to the concept of not having basics, let alone extras, but developmentally it's just not something they can completely grasp unles they are living it. Thankfully, T is not living it, but he will understand it eventually.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think he is 6 and you shouldn't read a ton into it, honestly.

We bought a TV for the family. It was something ds1 asked Santa for, but he wanted it exclusively for him and for his room. That wasn't going to happen. 2 times now he has said that he was bummed that he didn't get a 5' tv for his room. I just laugh because it was an over the top request and I know he knows that. Do I get a little annoyed that he isn't more grateful? Sure. But, then I remember that he is 7yo and it's ok to be disappointed. It doesn't mean he is spoiled or ungrateful.

Our allowance here is ds1's money. I don't make him use it for anything other than himself. He rarely spends it all and has a ton saved up. last year he used all his saved up $ to buy gifts for others at Christmas but this year he didn't. I guess I feel like the allowance is his way to get to get things for himself during the year that he really wants. I just wasn't sure how much $ you were expecting T to have to spend of his own money on presents for acquaintances; if it's a large % maybe you could go halvsies?

Anyway, he is 6 and it's ok for anyone to be disappointed. There are plenty of adults on here who have admitted to being disappointed n Christams and birthdays.

Beth

[sste]

You know, I remember being a fairly intense, somewhat intellectually advanced, and lower-income kid. And I did used to get upset about gifts. Something about the list keyed me off to wanting to check things off on it - - even more than the actual things in a way. It is hard to explain but I was always pretty type-A about getting everything done on a list! I understood my parents couldn't afford things and I generally would not have complained about that (at least by age 8 or 9, I am not sure about 6) . . . but it drove me batty getting things that weren't on my list and I didn't want because it felt so wasteful and, uh well, non-utility maximizing to have some stuff that cost money but was not the stuff I wanted.

Maybe T got a bit caught up in the list and also wishing some of the relatives'/non-list gifts could be converted to gifts on his list?

[elephantmeg]

do you think being school age plays into it too? I remember being slightly bummed at our very slim Christmases when we lived in Africa-but there wasn't that different than my other mish-kid friends. When we moved to Jamaica and ended up in an exclusive very expensive (American accredited) high school-that's when it really sucked. I know kids can go on and on about *all* the stuff they are going to get (which seems like every toy that they've ever thought about or heard of) and maybe he thinks everyone else gets everything they want and just not him? Or is he home schooled? I can't remember!

[JustMe]

I think it is very age-appropriate, that he will change as he gets older, and that there's nothing different about what you should be doing. Dd is almost 7, and I can say that there's ways she is "good" around these issues and there are ways that I feel just as frustrated as you...I think at this age they still is a good degree of self-centeredness at least in some areas (which confuses us parents b/c then we see times/situations when they don't seem to be this) that makes it hard to truly feel fortunate in comparison to others. At the same time, I agree that going to elementary school where other kids are always talking about what others have is part of it.

As crazy as this sounds, I think one of the only things that would be helpful (and I certainly have a hard time doing this with dd) is to give him some empathy/acknowledgement about his feelings of disappointment....kids learn to have empathy when they experience it a lot themselves. Not that you have to agree with him, but feelings are feelings and when kids are supported in their feelings it increases their ability to do that with others...as I said, not that I am always great about doing this!

[blisstwins]

I agree that you ought not read too much into this. I think it is developmental. T is not living your childhood, but you are transmitting your values. The messages are there and he is getting them. I honestly think you are expecting too much in terms of emotional maturity. I have an aunt who is profoundly mentally ill. She is physically very different and did things I found mortifying as a child. My family insisted we hold her hand in public and never be ashamed of her. I was terribly ashamed, however, and sometimes when I saw her on the street before she saw me I would change directions or do something to avoid having to be in public with her near my peers. I don't remember what happened precisely, but I was in about 5th grade when it occurred to me that my aunt had done nothing wrong, that she was not me, and that anyone who thought less of me for being kind to my aunt was a jerk and I should not care what they thought. I remember so clearly the moment it all made sense to me and my behavior changed completely. My family always held fast in their treatment of her, but I was not there until I was ready to be there. I know this is not exactly the same, but T has to work through his feelings. All the lessons are there and he is not going to grow up to be a materialistic ingrate. It just doesn't seem possible given the values you are stressing.

[KrisM]

I have an almost 6 year old. I think it's completely normal reaction.

I think that expecting T to always do and act the right way is asking a lot. He is only 6 and isn't just a short/small adult who has already mastered his feelings, etc. He's learning as he goes and is clearly learning the right things from you. He will turn out just fine, even if he makes mistakes along the way.

[kedss]

Hi Katie-
I think this is completely normal, even for a usual polite and giving person such as T, I think there is usually a Christmas let down even if they get everything they want. I agree with Beth, its okay to be disappointed, and I would try to let it go. I know from your other posts that Toby is a sweet and caring person far beyond his age, and he obviously has received that gift from you and J.

hugs!

[kijip]

Your childhood taught you in one way and while it was a lesson you are glad you learned, you can't replicate it with T unless you voluntarily give up your middle-class life. Not a judgement at all (as I sit in my suburban home with two cars, etc. :) ), but just the way it is.

Exactly. It's not like I would even want him to have my childhood. In fact quite the opposite, I have molded my adult life largely so he would be comfortable. And now I am complaining because he is comfortable. Not realistic. I consider it good for my kids to have the luxury of a little choice, be that apples or oranges. My reaction is definitely fueled by my childhood and things I would not choose to tell him. We let it play out as space to be disappointed but I have to bite my tongue a little. We have told him that he got quite a bit and that it's ok to be disappointed but that does not mean he should not notice what he did get. I certainly don't expect him to have perfect behavior, I am just naive in this area because it is far, far out of my own experience. Whining about getting a Nintendo Wii Fit? I never put a Nintendo Entertainment System on my list. I might has well have asked for a personal hovercraft.

[kijip]

Hi Katie-
I think this is completely normal, even for a usual polite

I am just smiling to hear him described as usually polite. He is a great kid but his behavior quite often leaves us with our heads spinning now. 6 is weird. He has 3 rules to follow:

-Don't hurt people (verbally or physically)
-Listen to important directions (from parents or otherwise and you don't get to decide what is important)
-Clean up after yourself

And regularly breaks them all at the same time. This too shall pass, I hope. We are actively working on helping it pass. It's better than it sounds when I type this out because it is mixed in with plenty of nice moments.

[hillview]

This was similar to my 4 year old's reaction at times and it BUGS ME A LOT. I am hoping it is a phase.
/hillary

[maestramommy]

I remember the day after Christmas I was reading my old youth director's FB status. He has 4 teenagers, and said something about how it's hard to do Christmas for teenagers because they just aren't thrilled anymore. Because they aren't 4 anymore. I'm thinking about Dora, who was super excited by her gifts this year. To be more accurate, she was super excited by OPENING her gifts this year. Since then she has settled in with really playing with the toys she particularly liked. I think the big difference I see is that Dora didn't ask for any of the gifts she got. She doesn't know about that aspect yet. So it's probably a huge thrill to suddenly get all this stuff you didn't even think to want.

Once she catches on to the notion of wanting something specific and asking for it, she will probably feel the intense disappointment if she doesn't get it. We've already seen that she currently doesn't deal with disappointment well, particularly if it is unexpected.

I think the pp are pretty wise in saying it's just Toby and a phase. Certainly he is disappointed, and as a small child it's fine to feel it. I would think it's kinda hard for someone that young to see the big picture ("look at all the stuff I DID get!"). When he was 4, it probably just didn't register the way it does now.

[clc053103]

I think that sounds pretty normal for 6!

My cousin has cried just about every year at whatever we give her. She's 16 now and this is the first year she didn't cry when she unwrapped the box- however, she saw it said GAP on it and didn't bother opening the box. I told my aunt - who asked her and she said "I opened it, it was clothes". UM, I was watching ya did not! At 16, that's totally unacceptable. At 6, I think it is just the age!

[brittone2]

DS is almost 6 and I think that what you are seeing is very normal. I don't think any 6 year old really has any sort of frame of reference or world view to put it all in perspective...even if he's involved in your non profit work, etc. there is only so much they can "get" about it at that age. They may be able to tell us they know other kids don't have as much, or other families struggle to put food on the table, etc. but I don't think at 6 (even a very bright 6) that they have lived enough to really have a full appreciation for what they have.

I think all you can do is to continue to talk about and expose them to volunteering, donating time/resources, etc. and let them live life. I think it will come with age/maturity/life experience that even as a very bright 6 yo he just doesn't have yet.

I agree w/ the poster who said you just can't read that much into it.

[bnme]

I am just smiling to hear him described as usually polite. He is a great kid but his behavior quite often leaves us with our heads spinning now. 6 is weird. He has 3 rules to follow:

-Don't hurt people (verbally or physically)
-Listen to important directions (from parents or otherwise and you don't get to decide what is important)
-Clean up after yourself

And regularly breaks them all at the same time. This too shall pass, I hope. We are actively working on helping it pass. It's better than it sounds when I type this out because it is mixed in with plenty of nice moments.

Ya know this reminds me of the "Your 6 year-old book" I read a few months back. I think it compares 6 to "3 x 2" and how this age is very defiant and difficult, etc. It made me feel much better because my 6yo is going through a tough phase.

[DrSally]

I agree wtih the others that most likely this is totally normal. I don't have a 6 yo yet, but DS had 4 separate present openings--Xmas eve, Xmas morning (Santa and stockings), Xmas day (carried over some of the Santa presents to inlaws b/c we couldn't travel that day due to the weather), and the day after Xmas at my mom's house. Xmas morning, I had a couple big presents each and took out several of the smaller presents to bring to our inlaws the next day. DS was asking if that's all there was, and there weren't many Santa gifts. I was a little annoyed too, but he's prob used to a gift opening extravaganza that we have with both sides of the family. I started singing the song from the Wonderpets Nutcracker episode "Be happy with what you have...." and he got the point.

I agree with pp's. T didn't have the same childhood that you did, which is a good thing. He is not going to have the same perspective. I was like some of the pp's. I would have never asked my parents for anything at the store or expressed disgruntled feelings with gifts. One year I asked for a rubix cube for Xmas and my mom started crying. She was crying b/c it was a modest request and she felt bad she didn't have $$ for more. I just knew not to ask for big things. It's a different set of circumstances.

You've done so well for T. I wouldn't read too much into it.

[spanannie]

He's 6 years old. I don't think at that age that they have the mastery of control over their impulses or emotions. I wouldn't expect adult behavior at this point. You are demonstrating/teaching the values that you want him to have and that will shape him in many ways.

[Thatchermom]

I read your post this morning and was thinking about it all during my commute. You are a thoughtful, intentional parent and I have always appreciated that about you. You have rarely been a parent to raise many concerns on the board, so this really caught my attention.

The more I thought about it, the more two different words came to mind - gratitude and satisfaction. Often linked together, they can sometimes be worlds apart. That sounded to me maybe like where T was on Christmas. You mentioned that he was polite and thanked people for his gifts, even if it wasn't with big enthusiasm. While that could just be good training kicking in, it also could be real gratitude and I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Especially if he was grateful for the things he was given, but not totally satisfied by them. Those two things just don't come automatically together.

My kids are growing up in a similar childhood to yours that is unlikely to change due to our chosen profession. Christmas always felt magical growing up, and I want that for my kids. But it's pretty hard to make magic with such limited resources. I struggled this year to feel satisfied with what I was able to give them, but that had nothing to do with my gratitude for the gifts. Their three big gifts all came from other people, given to us to give to our kids. They were older hand-me-downs, but they filled the requests on my kids' dream lists. (An older laptop, a small plastic kitchen, and a kitten) Those three things really made my kids' Christmas, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the families that helped us do that. In the end, I CHOOSE to be content with what they are vs. my dreams of what they could be. And I can be satisfied with that. That would be a lot harder when you are only six!

T just sounds like a little boy who had a dream that didn't turn out quite how he hoped and is working through that. I don't think that makes him ungrateful, just maybe working toward being satisfied. I think it is a process we face over and over again, a back-and-forth journey sometimes, and not a final destination that we arrive at permanently - even as an adult. Spending the better part of a year unemployed (also with a 6yo) taught us a lot about contentment, satisfaction and gratitude. There is still much for us to learn!

You are a concerned, attentive parent - and he is a little boy struggling through growing up. I think you are both doing exactly what you should be at this stage

[kijip]

I was talking to a friend about this today and she pointed out that one of the things I am having to accept with my son is that I in many respects have a cross-class relationship with him. Who I am and how I see the world is irreparably shaped by a set of experiences he will not have as a child. I got an education, married a man from a different background and have insulated my children from poverty, which while a good thing means that he is growing up with a sometimes starkly different culture, especially compounded by him not growing up in as deeply a religious home as I did (I married a vaguely Protestant man, total culture shock to my Catholic family). I think that this is more about me and less about him, so I need to shift my expectations a little and also get a grip on my disappointment about having a disappointed kid on Christmas. Much like he can't have everything he wants, neither can I and I can't make his responses a commodity for me to enjoy. I don't think it is unreasonable to set a high bar for kids and expect polite behavior- it would be unreasonable to expect them to always reach that bar 100% of the time. I don't reach that bar, and I generally don't expect T to all the time but it was alarming to me to see him be so underwhelmed. We can improve together, LOL.

He gets a $6 allowance. He is already decided to take some of what he has, add it to what he is getting this next week and buy it. That will be a good experience for him.

(regarding him buying gifts from that allowance, he really wants to buy gifts himself because then it feels like it is really from him. He was totally excited to get his best buddy and his brother gifts "on his own".)

[maestramommy]

I read your post this morning and was thinking about it all during my commute. You are a thoughtful, intentional parent and I have always appreciated that about you. You have rarely been a parent to raise many concerns on the board, so this really caught my attention.

The more I thought about it, the more two different words came to mind - gratitude and satisfaction. Often linked together, they can sometimes be worlds apart. That sounded to me maybe like where T was on Christmas. You mentioned that he was polite and thanked people for his gifts, even if it wasn't with big enthusiasm. While that could just be good training kicking in, it also could be real gratitude and I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Especially if he was grateful for the things he was given, but not totally satisfied by them. Those two things just don't come automatically together.

My kids are growing up in a similar childhood to yours that is unlikely to change due to our chosen profession. Christmas always felt magical growing up, and I want that for my kids. But it's pretty hard to make magic with such limited resources. I struggled this year to feel satisfied with what I was able to give them, but that had nothing to do with my gratitude for the gifts. Their three big gifts all came from other people, given to us to give to our kids. They were older hand-me-downs, but they filled the requests on my kids' dream lists. (An older laptop, a small plastic kitchen, and a kitten) Those three things really made my kids' Christmas, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the families that helped us do that. In the end, I CHOOSE to be content with what they are vs. my dreams of what they could be. And I can be satisfied with that. That would be a lot harder when you are only six!

T just sounds like a little boy who had a dream that didn't turn out quite how he hoped and is working through that. I don't think that makes him ungrateful, just maybe working toward being satisfied. I think it is a process we face over and over again, a back-and-forth journey sometimes, and not a final destination that we arrive at permanently - even as an adult. Spending the better part of a year unemployed (also with a 6yo) taught us a lot about contentment, satisfaction and gratitude. There is still much for us to learn!

You are a concerned, attentive parent - and he is a little boy struggling through growing up. I think you are both doing exactly what you should be at this stage

This is such a thoughtful post! Even though we are not facing this yet, I will be filing it away in my mind for the future. My father was a professor, then a minister, so our means were similar to yours (esp. with 4 kids!). Christmas and maybe bdays were the one time of the year we got something that wasn't an absolute need. And it always was a thrilling time, even as we got older. I can see your point about the subtle difference between gratitude and satisfaction. Thanks!:bighand:

[DrSally]

I was talking to a friend about this today and she pointed out that one of the things I am having to accept with my son is that I in many respects have a cross-class relationship with him. Who I am and how I see the world is irreparably shaped by a set of experiences he will not have as a child. I got an education, married a man from a different background and have insulated my children from poverty, which while a good thing means that he is growing up with a sometimes starkly different culture, especially compounded by him not growing up in as deeply a religious home as I did (I married a vaguely Protestant man, total culture shock to my Catholic family). I think that this is more about me and less about him, so I need to shift my expectations a little and also get a grip on my disappointment about having a disappointed kid on Christmas. Much like he can't have everything he wants, neither can I and I can't make his responses a commodity for me to enjoy. I don't think it is unreasonable to set a high bar for kids and expect polite behavior- it would be unreasonable to expect them to always reach that bar 100% of the time. I don't reach that bar, and I generally don't expect T to all the time but it was alarming to me to see him be so underwhelmed. We can improve together, LOL.

He gets a $6 allowance. He is already decided to take some of what he has, add it to what he is getting this next week and buy it. That will be a good experience for him.

(regarding him buying gifts from that allowance, he really wants to buy gifts himself because then it feels like it is really from him. He was totally excited to get his best buddy and his brother gifts "on his own".)

Let me just say that you (and your friend) are so insightful! Both parts, about having a cross-class relationship with your child and about it being more about your disappointment in your son's disappointment and your son's reactions not being a commodity for you to enjoy. Very insightful. Your son is very lucky to have such a thoughtful mom!

Come to think of it, I am prob having a cross-class relationship with my kids too. I didn't grow up in poverty, but lower-middle class, and my kids are prob upper middle. They have so much.

One time DS was having a fit in the car and I told him I had to pay attention to driving b/c I didn't want to get in an accident. He said, "That's ok, if the van gets smashed, we can just get a new one". In some ways very developmentally appropriate, but in others, shocking to me. So, we talked about how some things are very expensive and not easily replaced.
I don't want him to have the same childhood I did, but I do have to realize that he's coming from a different place/set of experiences.

[brittone2]

I read your post this morning and was thinking about it all during my commute. You are a thoughtful, intentional parent and I have always appreciated that about you. You have rarely been a parent to raise many concerns on the board, so this really caught my attention.

The more I thought about it, the more two different words came to mind - gratitude and satisfaction. Often linked together, they can sometimes be worlds apart. That sounded to me maybe like where T was on Christmas. You mentioned that he was polite and thanked people for his gifts, even if it wasn't with big enthusiasm. While that could just be good training kicking in, it also could be real gratitude and I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Especially if he was grateful for the things he was given, but not totally satisfied by them. Those two things just don't come automatically together.

My kids are growing up in a similar childhood to yours that is unlikely to change due to our chosen profession. Christmas always felt magical growing up, and I want that for my kids. But it's pretty hard to make magic with such limited resources. I struggled this year to feel satisfied with what I was able to give them, but that had nothing to do with my gratitude for the gifts. Their three big gifts all came from other people, given to us to give to our kids. They were older hand-me-downs, but they filled the requests on my kids' dream lists. (An older laptop, a small plastic kitchen, and a kitten) Those three things really made my kids' Christmas, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the families that helped us do that. In the end, I CHOOSE to be content with what they are vs. my dreams of what they could be. And I can be satisfied with that. That would be a lot harder when you are only six!

T just sounds like a little boy who had a dream that didn't turn out quite how he hoped and is working through that. I don't think that makes him ungrateful, just maybe working toward being satisfied. I think it is a process we face over and over again, a back-and-forth journey sometimes, and not a final destination that we arrive at permanently - even as an adult. Spending the better part of a year unemployed (also with a 6yo) taught us a lot about contentment, satisfaction and gratitude. There is still much for us to learn!

You are a concerned, attentive parent - and he is a little boy struggling through growing up. I think you are both doing exactly what you should be at this stage

Love this.