Eating out with family....how do you split/share the bill?

[alien_host]

I'm just curious how you split the bill if you go out with family. Do you split by the number of families attending, do you factor in the number of people in the family etc?

We generally only eat out with our own families...i.e. DH's parents, us, his sibs families. This only happens maybe once or twice a year.

We generally end up just splitting the bill between the number of families, regardless of number of people. Now that one of DH's sibs has older kids, it seems inequitable. These are teenagers that are ordering their own apps, entrees etc. Meanwhile we order a kids meal or DD eats off our plate, same with DH's other sib...kids eat a $5 kids mealetc.

So the one with older kids really has 4 "eating" members, the rest of us have 2 or maybe 2.5. I don't mind in theory just splitting by 3 but the one with the older kids NEVER offers more $$. They'll say, "oh we should pay more for the kids" BUT never actually puts in more or waits for someone to finally say,"oh don't worry about it". You know that long uncomfortable silence and someone usually says it.

I'm wondering what in general people do. If it were me with two extra kids eating I would insist on paying more. I'm not sure there is anything I can do since this has been going on for years.

I'm curious how others handle it.

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

Separate checks, no big deal.

[wellyes]

For us, it's one family treating everyone on a rotating basis. Seems most fair.

If it's just once or twice a year, and assuming you're eating somewhere not too expensive ($10 entrees instead of $25 entrees), I'd let it slide.

[alien_host]

I think it bugs me because if the tables were turned and we had the 4 people vs 2, this sibling would insist that we paid more. You know double standard. B/c now that I think of it, often the babies/little kids are with a sitter if we go out at night.

I know it's petty and it isn't often so it isn't a ton of $$ but it's the principle of it all that rubs me the wrong way.

I do like the "we treat this time, you treat next time" method. We do that with some friends but SIL/BIL would never be "the next time" so that wouldn't work.

[bnme]

Well in almost all cases my parents always just split it by the # of families. My dad was one always willing to throw in more (whether or not he was one of the bigger groups or not). But he was often the 'better-off' of the group so I am not sure if that is what influenced his action. We usualy do it this way too. But I will say it is not too often that it happens. If I were going out often with the same group I would probably want it to be more fair, otherwise it seems easiest just to split it.

As far a seperate checks go, I think that is the best way to go. But I am from NY and it is not something I have ever really seen done here.

[g-mama]

If we go out with my family, my dad always picks up the entire bill.

If we go out with dh's family, we usually pick up the entire bill (for us, his mom, and his three sisters and their families). Dh is the oldest of 4 children and his parents divorced when he was 12. Dh has been the patriarch of his family ever since and, as a result, it has just become the custom that he pays the bill. Perhaps, as the oldest, he's always been the one in a position most able to do so and it's stuck. Even if his sister's husbands offer to pay, dh always declines their offer.

[wellyes]

I think it bugs me because if the tables were turned and we had the 4 people vs 2, this sibling would insist that we paid more. You know double standard. B/c now that I think of it, often the babies/little kids are with a sitter if we go out at night.

Ah, so it's not the money, it's the principle. I get that.

In that case, I'd mention it next time, just casually say as everyone is sitting down "Let's get seperate checks for each family" -- then proceed to order yourself several glasses of nice wine, so that you don't seem like a cheapskate! But you've set a good new standard for all dinners going forward.

[SnuggleBuggles]

My ILs pay for everything. They announced that parents pay for their kids- their parents still pay for them and they'll pay for us. My family usually splits the bill in 3rds (there are 3 separate groups) but I try and chip in a bit more because there are more of us/ we order more. No one has ever complained about things being unfair.

Beth

[kijip]

We got lucky. My brother and his partner have the exact same number of eaters/ratio of kids meals as us. We split down the middle, but that is because we share appetizers etc. We usually cover my dad that way- splitting the check. Sometimes it's our treat or vice versa. Sometimes we do separate checks, but usually not. If it were an issue, we would just do separate checks.

[ZeeBaby]

We split by family. We only do it once or twice a year and it really isn't that big a deal us. I could imagine it might become an issue if it wasn't more even.

[jenandahalf]

You'd think that when their kids are off at college it would be them picking up the tab for your kids to eat, but I'm guessing that they will change their tune on how the bill should be split when that happens? I'd probably say that attempting to change the status quo would not be worth it, we get flack
from our ILs when we aren't flashing the cash and I can imagine the same would happen for you. It might not be fair but it looks like this is the price of keeping the peace?

[maestramommy]

Generally just one family picks up the tab, but the who depends on the circumstances. For instance, when SIL's family visited us, we went out for lunch. I *think* Dh picked up the tab. But sometimes when we visit them and go out to dinner we still end up paying. Like I said, it depends on the circumstances. But Dh seems to come from an extended family who's siblings (5 brothers 2 sisters) fight to pay the bill:p The next generation tries not to do that, so there is some give and take, although nothing in black and white.

When we visit my family and go out, either we always pay the bill, or sometimes my lil bro has done it.

[DietCokeLover]

Separate checks for us

[LD92599]

Separate checks all the way, even when we're out w/ friends. We don't drink alcohol and that usually drives the bill up and i can't stand paying for others' drinks!

Also, when we're out w/ my sister and her DH, they tend to order alot more expensive than we do, complete w/ separate appetizers, desserts, etc so we've gotten in the habit of right away getting sep. checks. Also makes it much smoother at the end when it comes to tipping, who pays cash vs credit etc.

However, if we're w/ the IL's they tend to pick up the entire check (tonight) but we always ask how much they'd like towards the check. In this case, it was the tip.

Since my mom is in a nursing home now, the times we did take her out for a sunday dinner, my sister and I split moms check.

I've gotten screwed one too many times paying essentially $30 for a cup of soup, side salad and soda!

[jgenie]

We live apart from our extended families. We see DH's family once a year and we alternate who picks up the tab each time we eat out. When we were dating and when we first were married DH picked up all the checks. We changed that after we were married. On my side, we all just pitch in cash to cover the check. We don't generally eat at expensive places with my family so it's usually just a $20 or two for each family / person. If either of our mothers are visiting we pay for everything.

[ett]

When we eat out with the IL's they always pick up the bill. This only happens a couple of times a year when we see them. When we eat out with my parents, sometimes they pay and sometimes we pay, but we don't keep tabs on it.

[niccig]

We have to fight both my parents and DH's parents to pay. DH will give his CC to the server when he goes to the bathroom. Even for Mothers/Fathers day.

We have good friends that we often eat with and usually we split the bill. They have one more child and have said it's not fair to us. We don't care as it's a kid meal, but occasionally the Dad insists on putting in extra.

I like the separate checks and say your going to order more expensive dish/alcohol if anyone asks. Or when the family member says "oh we should pay more" you should say "Yes, about x amount should cover it"

[alirebco]

We were in a similar situation to you with DH's sister having 3 kids plus an au pair that would go out to dinner with us and our toddler. We used to split it but it was totally uneven and so I finally just said something along the lines of we're tight on money right now and we don't go out to eat much so it's easier to get separate checks since we only have 2 members eating and you have 5. Just make sure you tell the server you want separate checks in the beginning!

[Melaine]

Separate checks for us

:yeahthat: I guess I don't really get why you wouldn't do separate checks unless it is a special occasion where someone is getting treated?

[Melaine]

There is a Friends episode about this too. Is it weird that I ALWAYS think of a Friends' scenario for almost every thread?

[jenandahalf]

I've pretty much never asked for separate checks, I can imagine a lot of my friends and family getting offended by that, as if we were accusing them of not putting their fair share in or something. The fact that most of them don't put their fair share in is irrelevant to them!

[momof2girls]

I think getting 2 seperate checks works best. We do it with my siblings....but warning....the first time I did it one sibling gave her DH a look as if it was offensive if not ridiculous. I found out later she did mention it to my mother as if we were being nit-picky. We still get seperate checks though as my side usually orders less than hers.

[C99]

This has never come up for us. On the rare chance that we all go out to lunch/dinner, one person picks up the check for all. Usually that is my dad or my FIL, but sometimes it's my brother or my DH.

[egoldber]

When we go out with my MIL and FIL, they usually pick up the tab. Sometimes we alternate with them, but it gives them pleasure to be able to splurge on their kids and grandkids in their old age.

If we go out with DH's sisters and their families, sometimes we split and sometimes we take turns paying. If we go out with the sister/BIL with kids we usually alternate paying. If it is with the sister/BIL with no kids, we usually get separate checks or re-pay them later.

If we take out my family, we always pay for everyone. Otherwise they honestly can't afford to go out.

[TwinFoxes]

With my ILs, DH and his mom usually take turns paying. We don't really go out with his sisters that much, but when we do, they always pay their share, although my DH always tells his "kid" sister it's less than what it is.

In your situation, how I would react would depend on the people. Some people are just cheap, and in that case it would bug me, and I'd probably be tempted to say something. But if like Beth mentioned, they honestly wouldn't be able to afford to go out, I'd never say anything.

Several years ago, my colleagues and I would go out at the end of the week. Our boss was SUPER cheap. We would all pitch in, and he would "take charge" of the bill, leave a piddling tip, and pocket the rest or put in just a little bit to cover himself!!! Luckily, we were no shrinking violets. After the first couple of times, when we realized what was going on, we totally called him on it and he wasn't allowed to take charge of the bill any longer.

[lil_acorn]

By family ..it's not a big deal if it's only a few times a year.

[daniele_ut]

Separate checks, no big deal.

Unless it is understood that someone is picking up the entire tab, we always just get separate checks and it makes things much easier on everyone.

[HIU8]

We either do it as one family treating another or we split it down the middle (which is unfair to us I know). Occasionally we do separate checks. I wish we did this more often. DH is far to generous to my sister and BIL who always cry poor but have mounds of cash stashed away (BIL is a horder and a mooch who is always looking for a handout--turns out they are loaded).

[jenandahalf]

That's how they got loaded to start with!

[MMMommy]

Not exactly the same thing, but similar. Major pet peeve of mine. So DH's only brother (BIL) will be 31 this year. EVERY year we jointly take out MIL for her birthday and for Mother's Day. For as long as I can remember, even before DDs were even born, DH has always had to foot the bill for these celebrations on behalf of MIL. I've never seen him offer once. It's his mother too, right? So why should we have to pay the bill every single time? At least have the decency to offer to pay for something, sometime, right? If he were some starving college student or some high schooler, I would be understand. But he is a grown man at age 30. Couldn't BIL even at least have the consideration to at least offer to chip in or pay (at least for half of MIL's meal and his own)? Every year DH has to take the bill b/c obviously BIL never even attempts to pay. BIL just says "thank you" to DH without a thought as to chipping in once. Very presumptuous on his part. And this was way before DDs were even born. And even with DDs, they hardly eat anything at all, so their added cost shouldn't be a major factor.

WTF? Seriously?????

[hillview]

Since it is a rare occasion I'd try very hard to ignore it and maybe offer to treat everyone every other time etc.
/hillary