LONG, but need advice - how to deal with DH behavior when at in-laws

[conniez]

Thanks everyone for the advice. It was very helpful & I appreciate everyone's honesty!

[wellyes]

If it was once in a while I'd let it go, personally. But twice a month is too much.


DH said, "Well, he's old enough to make his own choices". I said that doesn't mean you have to make excuses for him.And your DH is old enough to make his own choices too! But you can't change someone else's behavior by nagging (even if you're in the right). Continuing what you're doing, since you've made your feelings clear already, may just enable it to continue.

If I were you, I'd not let the in-laws family have that frequent/powerful a place in my life. I'd flat-out tell him that you do not have a good time when visiting your inlaws due to his drinking and the way he behaves around his brother. So in the future, you want to go less often. Once a month. If he absolutely insists on going, let him go without you. Send him with the girls (if you are sure he won't drive them home while he's intoxicated) and make a date with a friend or spend the day enjoying yourself at the spa. Go only if & when YOU feel like hanging out with your SIL.

I know some people wouldn't agree with that approach but it's the best I can come up with :) I am a big believer in taking action to break negative behavior patterns.

[TwinFoxes]

I wouldn't go, and I certainly wouldn't send DDs. I have nothing against drinking, but drinking until you're sick in front of your kids on Christmas? Come on. Your DDs deserve better. Major hugs to you. I know this can't be easy.

[jenandahalf]

I wouldn't want my kids growing up around that either. My advice would be to tell him out straight that I didn't think this behavior was good for him or them, but I know how that could seem like you are asking him to choose them or you. It doesn't have to be one or the other if he is willing to set stricter boundaries between him and his family, but he has to see why he needs to do that. Does it bother you enough for you to suggest counselling over it?

[KrisM]

I wouldn't go, and I certainly wouldn't send DDs. I have nothing against drinking, but drinking until you're sick in front of your kids on Christmas? Come on. Your DDs deserve better. Major hugs to you. I know this can't be easy.

Me neither.

[cvanbrunt]

You've made it clear to your husband you don't like how he behaves around his brother. Your BIL isn't going to change and neither is your husband. Stop going to your in-laws. If DH wants to play silly games with his brother then at least you won't have to watch. You don't want your children exposed to that (and who would?) so that is your "out". Invite your SIL to visit you.

[conniez]

If it was once in a while I'd let it go, personally. But twice a month is too much....

If I were you, I'd not let the in-laws family have that frequent/powerful a place in my life. I'd flat-out tell him that you do not have a good time when visiting your inlaws due to his drinking and the way he behaves around his brother. So in the future, you want to go less often. Once a month.

I should clarify...in my anger I forgot to note that the beer pong might not happen at every visit, but there is always some excuse for DH's bro. to bust out the hard liquor. The "shots during videogames" thing happens more than the bp. As far as DH getting really sick, there were maybe 3 times this past year where he's gotten really sick from drinking: 1x during a normal visit, once at the grad. party his mom threw 4 him when he finally completed his Bachelor's degree, and this xmas.

My MIL is nice & I do like spending time with SIL and my nephew, so I feel like not visiting as often would deprive MIL of time with her grandkids...I don't want to punish her just because her son's an immature loser. I feel like I'm stuck.

[mamicka]

I agree that I wouldn't go nor would I allow my kids to go. They sound like toxic people, honestly.

I don't think making an ultimatum to your DH is necessarily the way to go... I'm not sure there is really anything you can do to force him to change. But if that were me, I know that it would become a real problem between DH & I if he continued to allow himself to get sucked into that behavior. Even if only because it bothers you so much.

[BabyMine]

I wouldn't go, and I certainly wouldn't send DDs. I have nothing against drinking, but drinking until you're sick in front of your kids on Christmas? Come on. Your DDs deserve better. Major hugs to you. I know this can't be easy.

:yeahthat: and counseling.

[conniez]

This makes me sad as I had a relatively drama free 2009 & I feel like I'm about to open up a can of worms and the ****s going to hit the fan. I agree though..I'm just going to continue to get frustrated watching it happen. So next weekend when it's time to visit the in-laws I'll just have to tell DH that he can go alone if he plans to play his little frat boy games with his brother. I know talking to DH didn't work, and ultimatums aren't fair either..but you are all right in that I don't have to watch it happen and neither do my daughters. Hopefully this will be a step in making DH realize what he's doing.

[jenandahalf]

My MIL is nice & I do like spending time with SIL and my nephew, so I feel like not visiting as often would deprive MIL of time with her grandkids...I don't want to punish her just because her son's an immature loser. I feel like I'm stuck.

You aren't stopping your MIL or SIL from visiting you at your house - perhaps if you explained your reasons to the two of them they might feel more inclined to do something about what is going on in their house. Right now nobody's behavior has any consequences, so nobody has any reason to change.

[conniez]

Yes, you are all right. I don't know if this is just something that's common with Asian families...pushing problems under the rug/not acknowledging them. I could write a book about all of the problems MIL's kids have created for her & about all the drama that goes on.

I guess I was just hoping to not create waves again as I'm always the "troublemaker" because I don't like having problems ignored like they do. For example, YEARS ago when said oldest brother was dating a girl that was a total b*tch, spread lies about me, and then she'd be fake to the rest of the family and hold my daughter when we visited...I called the bro. up & told her not to touch my daughter ever again. Granted I was young, 19 years old and stupid for not keeping my mouth shut, but you get the point. DH's brother & the mom called me up and asked what I was doing because -at the time- they didn't see her for who she was. A year later the bro's gf cheated on him & left him as she was having a kid with his bf. I just feel like I'm causing trouble again 10 yrs. down the line.

[cvanbrunt]

My MIL is nice & I do like spending time with SIL and my nephew, so I feel like not visiting as often would deprive MIL of time with her grandkids...I don't want to punish her just because her son's an immature loser. I feel like I'm stuck.

I'm sure your MIL is lovely but why do her feelings trump yours? This is about what you want for your family.

[kijip]

I agree with pp. I would just stay home with your immediate family in your shoes and make your own holiday traditions. Invite your MIL and SIL over too.

We don't spend a lot of time around our relatives who are obnoxious with alcohol and think alcohol is the only way to have any fun.

[JTsMom]

I'd be pretty concerned about this situation. I think counseling may be your best bet. That is really a toxic situation, and I wouldn't want my DC around that. You could always invite the family to your house more.

[conniez]

Thanks for your opinions everyone. Please pray that I can keep my resolve, as the next time it's time to go to my in-laws I'm going to tell DH that if he plans to play frat boy games with his brother, then the girls & I will just be staying home. I can almost guarantee a fight will ensue, but I pray that I'm strong enough to hold my ground.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I guess I am a minority here. Your dh is a grown up. You aren't really treating him much like one. He knows he isn't making good decisions around his family. I don't agree with what's going down, I should make that clear. But, your dh needs to be allowed to figure out this dynamic. He knows where you stand. You can choose not to go if it bothers you and you can keep your dd home. But, it sounds like you have a pretty decent dh and you might wind up escalating something that doesn't need to be as big of a deal as you might see it as. Now, I am not there to see this in action. Could be totally different in person. But, taking a shot before playing a video game isn't the most irresponsible thing a person can do and I don;t see the college frat boy stuff as being totally awful. It's just a less "mature" form of something a lot of "adults" do often, especially at family gatherings- finish off a few bottles of wine and play games. Or, maybe I am only speaking for my family and friends b/c that is a pretty normal way for us to hang out.

Your dh will find a good balance, I'm sure. Have faith in him and know he is a good guy. :)

Beth

[conniez]

I guess I am a minority here. Your dh is a grown up. You aren't really treating him much like one. He knows he isn't making good decisions around his family. I don't agree with what's going down, I should make that clear. But, your dh needs to be allowed to figure out this dynamic. He knows where you stand. You can choose not to go if it bothers you and you can keep your dd home. But, it sounds like you have a pretty decent dh and you might wind up escalating something that doesn't need to be as big of a deal as you might see it as. Now, I am not there to see this in action. Could be totally different in person. But, taking a shot before playing a video game isn't the most irresponsible thing a person can do and I don;t see the college frat boy stuff as being totally awful. It's just a less "mature" form of something a lot of "adults" do often, especially at family gatherings- finish off a few bottles of wine and play games. Or, maybe I am only speaking for my family and friends b/c that is a pretty normal way for us to hang out.

Your dh will find a good balance, I'm sure. Have faith in him and know he is a good guy. :)

Beth

I appreciate your honesty. I think I have a pretty decent DH, too, but I just don't think he's setting a good example getting drunk & sick in front of our girls. I have never given him hell about having a beer or a glass of wine like what he did at his mother's birthday dinner. Even if I don't drink & don't like him drinking, I don't think the occasional beer or glass of wine is a problem. It's when his bro. keeps pushing shot after shot or the bp games...just making him feel like alcohol is THE only way they can have fun together. But we do agree on one thing: I would never ask him to choose, but I don't like seeing him like that or having the kids see that so I'm just going to tell him we'll just stay home if that's how they're going to hang out together.

[StantonHyde]

2 weekends a month you are staying over at MILs?? That's a LOT of time there. I could not sustain that kind of schedule--especially once your kids are in school.

If its dinner 2x month, then that is doable--but DH has to handle his alcohol. I would just not go if he can't not drink.

Can't MIL come to your house? Can you do stuff during the day? There have to be other ways around this. And too bad if you look awful--we are talking about your children here.

[niccig]

I would not want DS to see DH like that, and passing out on Christmas, well I would be furious. You say it's not at home, so that is good, but your DH does need to find a way to not do it with his family witnessing. If that is what he wants, then have a guys night alone. Maybe you can talk about it now and say that it was not something your girls should witness is Dad drunk asleep and for him to moderate the beer pong when the girls are in the house. And if he wants a guy night of games and beer to be with his brother, he can do it but without you all there. And suggest he set up guys nights, but the girls visiting MIL isn't the time.

As for not fighting over it, I don't know if you can avoid it. He sounds like he knows it wasn't the thing to do and he may get defensive. I would have already had the fight the first time with words like "my DC will not see their father puking and passed out drunk" being thrown around. I run hot tempered though and I would have driven home and left him there.

[MamaMolly]

Here is the thing I'm stuck on. I know pot is not a big deal to a lot of people but for me it would be huge. I'm probably beyond square, but for me the pot would be a total deal breaker. What if BIL really had messed up your DH with the pot in his food? What if something had happened to your DCs because of it?

JMHO here but sweeping problems under the rug is one thing, what your BIL did/does goes way beyond that. Sneaking drugs into people's food would be the e.n.d. of any relationship I had with BIL.

If my DH were passed out drunk in front of my DD's I'd be tempted to video him and show it to him later. So that when he is sober he can see what they see. A wasted Daddy. Maybe shame will bring him around. I'm really really sorry you are dealing with this.

[conniez]

As for not fighting over it, I don't know if you can avoid it. He sounds like he knows it wasn't the thing to do and he may get defensive. I would have already had the fight the first time with words like "my DC will not see their father puking and passed out drunk" being thrown around. I run hot tempered though and I would have driven home and left him there.

lol That is so ME re: the driving home & leaving him there. I was about to do that when his bro. got him drunk at the grad. party, but he wouldn't stay there when I was trying to go. Also, I KNOW that I'm a hot head, so I feel like maybe it wasn't the right thing to do & just my emotions taking over.

[conniez]

2 weekends a month you are staying over at MILs?? That's a LOT of time there. I could not sustain that kind of schedule--especially once your kids are in school.

If its dinner 2x month, then that is doable--but DH has to handle his alcohol. I would just not go if he can't not drink.


We don't sleep over. Just dinner and then stay for a little bit. We usually come over around 6pm because they work on weekends.



Here is the thing I'm stuck on. I know pot is not a big deal to a lot of people but for me it would be huge. I'm probably beyond square, but for me the pot would be a total deal breaker. What if BIL really had messed up your DH with the pot in his food? What if something had happened to your DCs because of it?

ITA I never took drugs or smoked or drank. EVER. So while most people might call me a goody-two-shoes, I just never found any appeal in those things. And I DO think pot is a big thing. That's why I was mad as he!! when I found out that BIL did that to DH. DH laughed, which pissed me off even more, but it just showed how he's willing to just excuse everything his older brother does. Oh and I don't talk to BIL when I'm there. We haven't talked since I told his GF off 10 yrs. ago. We don't look at each other and don't really acknowledge each other.

[kijip]

Here is the thing I'm stuck on. I know pot is not a big deal to a lot of people but for me it would be huge. I'm probably beyond square, but for me the pot would be a total deal breaker. What if BIL really had messed up your DH with the pot in his food? What if something had happened to your DCs because of it?

JMHO here but sweeping problems under the rug is one thing, what your BIL did/does goes way beyond that. Sneaking drugs into people's food would be the e.n.d. of any relationship I had with BIL.

I agree with this. If someone gave me a controlled substance against my will and without my consent (which I would never, ever consent to and have never been vaguely interested in, I was and still am pretty straight edge) I would quite likely never speak to them again. And I would never, ever, take my kids into a house where drugs were being done or commonly kept. My brother for a time had a roommate on drugs, we never went there until the guy was gone. It's just not in my comfort zone, moreover with children.

[infomama]

I would be pretty distressed over the cold hard fact that he is choosing to get wasted even though you have professed your disgust for the situation. I would speak to him about it again and have a plan. If you see the plan go south on your next visit, grab the kids and leave. If he/they get pissed that you left, so be it. Make sure he knows that you are dead serious when it comes to this issue. Send the message.

I would be careful not to make it appear that you are asking him to choose between his brother and you/kids rather you want him to realize the detriment his over zealous drinking is causing your relationship and his relationship with your dc. If I knew that someone was doing illegal drugs I would insulate my dc from that person..completely.

GL and be strong.

[dcmom2b3]

I would be pretty distressed over the cold hard fact that he is choosing to get wasted even though you have professed your disgust for the situation. I would speak to him about it again and have a plan. If you see the plan go south on your next visit, grab the kids and leave. If he/they get pissed that you left, so be it. Make sure he knows that you are dead serious when it comes to this issue. Send the message.

I would be careful not to make it appear that you are asking him to choose between his brother and you/kids rather you want him to realize the detriment his over zealous drinking is causing your relationship and his relationship with your dc. If I knew that someone was doing illegal drugs I would insulate my dc from that person..completely.

GL and be strong.

:yeahthat::yeahthat::yeahthat:

IMO, telling your DH that you don't want your DCs to have a father like BIL is missing the point, because in his mind, he's not like BIL. You don't want them to have a father who [fill in with specifics] acts like your DH currently does around his family. That's a touchy, touchy point to bring home, and implicates all sorts of family "stuff." Short of counseling, my best advice is to leave, every time, when the stupid behavior starts.

And you might remind your DH that there aren't any guarantees that the pot his brother is feeding him on the sly isn't laced with goodness-knows what else. Like pesticides? PCP or LSD? It's not like the FDA regulates the stuff . . .

[conniez]

Okay I just had a talk with DH....I just couldn't wait until it was time for our next visit with my in-laws. I didn't bring up the fact that I detest BIL...I just told him that we (his mother, myself, our daughter) were disappointed when he got sick/drunk & passed out again when we were there for xmas. He told me that it wasn't hard liquor (like I originally thought), but that he drank too much of the light beer they used for beer pong...No difference to me though. Either way he tried to open the door to our bedroom to leave and I told him I wasn't finished. Well, he said there was nothing to talk about. So I followed him to the bathroom & I told him that I don't want to be there if this is what's going to continue to happen, and that our oldest daughter shouldn't have to see him like that. He said "Okay, I will control my drinking" so I guess we will see. If it happens again I will risk looking like a drama queen & I will pack up the girls & leave him there.

[conniez]

I would be careful not to make it appear that you are asking him to choose between his brother and you/kids rather you want him to realize the detriment his over zealous drinking is causing your relationship and his relationship with your dc.

I agree that it's not right to make him choose between his brother & us. The comments I made about his brother were when we were at home & something BIL did came into the conversation (like smoking pot w/younger BIL). When I talked to him just now, I didn't even bring up the fact that I think BIL is a total loser. I just said it's not right that your kids see you passed out like that.



IMO, telling your DH that you don't want your DCs to have a father like BIL is missing the point, because in his mind, he's not like BIL. You don't want them to have a father who [fill in with specifics] acts like your DH currently does around his family. That's a touchy, touchy point to bring home, and implicates all sorts of family "stuff." Short of counseling, my best advice is to leave, every time, when the stupid behavior starts.

And you might remind your DH that there aren't any guarantees that the pot his brother is feeding him on the sly isn't laced with goodness-knows what else. Like pesticides? PCP or LSD? It's not like the FDA regulates the stuff . . .

DH probably knows I don't like BIL, but I haven't actually told him that I don't want them to have a father like BIL. I try not to slander BIL on a daily basis...I try to make it more about BIL's action so it doesn't seem like I'm attacking BIL as a person. But I never really compared DH to him. The only time I've commented on BIL's actions were: 1) When he got DH wasted at DH's grad. party (then left him alone while he was sick & in no condition to care for himself), and 2) When I found out BIL snuck pot into DH's food.

When I talk to DH about his drinking, it's more that I know he doesn't like the way he feels when he gets sick/drunk so why does he continue to do it? And that I don't think it's good that our daughters see him like that. I try to leave BIL out of it (despite what I feel) because I don't want him to feel like he's in a position where he has to choose between "them" and us.

[kijip]

I just want to address something. You say several times that your husband is not a drinker and that is why the alcohol affects him. Yet, he is drinking with his brother on a fairly regular basis and is getting ****faced/passed out a couple times a year. And most recently at Christmas. That is a problem with drinking. He may not be able to effectively curtail or control it without well thought out behavior change techniques and counseling for himself.

[conniez]

I just want to address something. You say several times that your husband is not a drinker and that is why the alcohol affects him. Yet, he is drinking with his brother on a fairly regular basis and is getting ****faced/passed out a couple times a year. And most recently at Christmas. That is a problem with drinking. He may not be able to effectively curtail or control it without well thought out behavior change techniques and counseling for himself.

I say that he's not a drinker because he only drinks when we visit their family (not every time, but sometimes when we visit them) which is maybe 2x a month. I could be wrong, but I don't consider him a "drinker" because he does not drink at home & he does not go out to drink. I want to believe that he can change on his own, which is why I had a talk with him tonight to see if he will in fact try to change his behavior. I am really torn because as a prev. poster said, aside from this issue, he really is a decent DH and sometimes I feel like I'm making a big deal out of it...but even if I am, I am sure about one thing: that I'm not happy about him drinking with them. I can't control BIL and I can't really control DH either.

I just hope he really means it when he says he will control his drinking from now on. If he can't then we will see if us leaving him there @ in-laws will wake him up. If that doesn't work, then I really hate to have to resort to leaving him and moving in with my parents.

[kijip]

I say that he's not a drinker because he only drinks when we visit their family (not every time, but sometimes when we visit them) which is maybe 2x a month. I could be wrong, but I don't consider him a "drinker" because he does not drink at home & he does not go out to drink.

He does not sound like a bad person, but you don't have to be a bad person to have a problem with alcohol or to be a drinker. In fact most drinkers are not bad people. My father is a recovering alcoholic. It is very intermittent. It always have been. And for years he wrote it off as a non-issue because it was infrequent and socially based. The only thing that helps is him being honest that it is a problem and avoiding the situations that facilitated his drinking patterns.

Drinking a little with family is not the issue, drinking a lot with family is. And the frequency you describe sounds like a pretty regular situation. I just think that being more proactive about getting help may be more effective.

[mamicka]

I agree with this. If someone gave me a controlled substance against my will and without my consent (which I would never, ever consent to and have never been vaguely interested in, I was and still am pretty straight edge) I would quite likely never speak to them again. And I would never, ever, take my kids into a house where drugs were being done or commonly kept. My brother for a time had a roommate on drugs, we never went there until the guy was gone. It's just not in my comfort zone, moreover with children.

:yeahthat: to both here. This isn't "normal adult behavior" or anything remotely close.

[jenandahalf]

The definition of a drinking problem is when your drinking starts to cause problems in your life. Your husband drinking a few/several beers and other assorted liquors 2x a month is causing a problem in his life. He has a drinking problem.

As for the brother giving him pot-laced food, what if he had somehow been pulled by the cops? Never mind all the possible dangers of smoking it and what could have happened to your kids or someone else, what if he had gotten a criminal record?

[wellyes]

I could be wrong, but I don't consider him a "drinker" because he does not drink at home & he does not go out to drink.

I don't mean to sound judgmental, but ...... I'd say he's a binge drinker. Meaning when he drinks, he does it with the purpose of getting drunk. Binge drinking is not typical adult behavior. Most occasional drinkers sometimes has a glass of wine with dinner, or one cocktail at a party as a social lubricant.

The pot - I wouldn't care - except for the absolutely adolescent and inappropriate issue giving it to someone without his consent. That is deeply wrong. Brothers or not, that is just ---------- bad.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and that you have to be the "grown-up" in this case to deal with this & stop it from becoming a regular aspect of your family life.

[Mommy_Again]

Drinking problems come in all shapes and sizes. Just because he doesn't drink at home or in bars doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem. I agree with a PP that he seems to be a binge drinker and I wonder why he wants so badly to please his brother that he will revert to such extreme behavior that is out of character from his normal every day routine.

Pot gets laced with all sorts of stuff these days, some of which could have been lethal.

I would take a very matter-of-fact stance on this issue. Sit DH down again and tell him that you are taking your DDs and leaving at the first sign of trouble. I would also call MIL and SIL and tell them the same thing. They are enablers in this whole fiasco as well. You can't control their behavior, but you can control yours.

[conniez]

Thanks everyone. I just asked my SIL to call me when she's off work. I'm going to let her know that I had a talk with DH about what goes on when he's drinking & how DH doesn't know how to control himself/can't handle the drinking. She knows already how I feel & she's tried asking BIL to stop, but being the jerk he is he always says "Why?" Honestly, I LOVE her & couldn't ask for a better SIL. I'm just going to tell her that I have an alcoholic grandfather, a borderline alcoholic dad, and I'm NOT about to have an alcoholic husband.

[MamaMolly]

Another thing that might be helpful is to build up the differences between BIL and DH in a *positive* way. Mention to DH how happy you are you aren't in SIL's shoes. When he's not around BIL, tell him what a wonderful, responsible father he is. How proud you are to be HIS wife. Since he looks up to his brother maybe you can turn it around so that DH becomes the hero for making responsible adult choices.

Sometimes you get farther with honey...at least I do with my DH. Good luck.

[goldenpig]

So sorry you are having to deal with this difficult situation. I agree with not going to the in-laws with your children if he continues to binge drink there. I just wanted to add, for the safety of you & your family...I hope that your DH is not driving back home after getting wasted. Do not let him drive drunk, or get in the car with him or let your children ride in the car with him. :hug: I hope things will turn out OK.

[conniez]

Sorry if I forgot to respond to each response individually! I appreciate the support & outpouring of advice and positive thoughts!


Another thing that might be helpful is to build up the differences between BIL and DH in a *positive* way...

Sometimes you get farther with honey...at least I do with my DH. Good luck.

That is a very good idea. I will also try working more on our relationship & try to use positive reinforcement more to try to help with this situation.


So sorry you are having to deal with this difficult situation. I agree with not going to the in-laws with your children if he continues to binge drink there. I just wanted to add, for the safety of you & your family...I hope that your DH is not driving back home after getting wasted. .

Oh no...I definitely don't let him drive. I'll drive even if he just has 1 beer.