Where Do I Go From Here?

[4Myluvbugs]

I've posted about my problems with ILs favoritism of DN compared to my DCs. Here's a link to my past post:
http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=327986

Anyway I tried taking the advice of PP to involve them more by inviting them to school events, asking for babysitting and help, etc. Instead of getting better, things got worse! She will watch them or have them over, but 99% of the time DN is there and they get ignored or watch videos most of the time they're there! She claims "they play so nicely together!" (Insert major eye roll) How exactly do an extremely active 4 & 7 year old play with a 20 month old for more than 10 minutes??? The last time she asked if our DCs wanted to "come over and entertain ____?" Uh, thanks but my kids aren't coming over to "entertain" DN, they want to spend time with YOU!! The kicker was when MIL made a big deal about coming to DS's holiday program at school and then didn't show because she "had" to watch DN :rolleye0014:! DS was SO disappointed and looked teary and uncomfortable when MIL said she was sorry that she didn't make it. They've watched our DCs maybe 4-5 times over the past 7 months while they watch DN 3 days a week and often more. Even kept him for 5 days while SIL & BIL went away on vacation!

It got so bad that DH was noticing it too and realized that things were getting out of hand so he talked to MIL & FIL and told them how we felt. I thought they would get defensive and make a bunch of excuses but surprisingly they listened and said they hoped to spend more time with our DCs. It's been 3 weeks and nothing has changed!! SIL has had 2 weeks off work and MIL still watches DN 3 days a week....and no offers to watch/spend time with our kids!

SIL has had "excuses" on missing just about every family function in the past month (even did a "drive-by" for MIL's b-day party) while we dutifully attend everything that we are asked :irked:! I guess this could go in the BP but I want some advice. How should we proceed from here? I'm completely fed up and have held my tongue. So frustrated that DH did have an honest conversation with them and they still haven't done better! I feel bitter, slighted, and hurt for myself and my children. Advice on what to do now?

Thanks for listening and for your advice-
Frustrated (and hurt) Momma

[ha98ed14]

I have dealt with a similar dynamic between my family (one DD), MIL and SIL&Co. SIL is MIL's daughter and my DH's sister. I think that the relationship between an adult daughter and her mother will always be closer than the relationship between an adult son and his mother. I am married to MIL's son, so my DD gets the shaft. SIL&Co. is MIL's only daughter. She lavishes time, attention and money on SIL's 4 ill-mannered children and makes excuses for their craptastic behavior. (See my post about her son in the BP!)

I'm not sure what the relationship is between your DH and SIL. Are they both MIL's children or is SIL married to your DH's brother. Given you description of the situation, I would put money on SIL being MIL's daughter. Unfortunately, there is just not much you can do to compete with DN. I actually chose to withdraw for awhile. I just checked out and didn't offer MIL time with DD and did not talk to SIL either. When my DD was born, MIL was full of promises of support. Very little of it materialized and DD is 2.6. IIWY, I would stop going to their functions and focus on your own family. Take the kids to the zoo or a movie or the park. Whatever. Do a Fri night ice cream run for no reason. You don't need your extended family in order to have a happy family, so stop chasing them and focus on your own family. At least, that is what I have tried to do. The reality is you cannot change them, their disinterested attitude towards your DC, or their lavishing attention on DN. So stop giving them the opportunity to make you feel like crap. Take back control of your feelings and your time and love up your own babies. Stop giving them power over you. If you have to get mad and think "@$$holes!" in your own head in order to take back control, so be it.

[TwinFoxes]

Can I ask what your DC's relationship was like with your MIL before DN came along? Since he's only 20 months it seems a dynamic would have been established already (especially with th seven year old). Maybe MIL just likes the baby stage? Not making excuses AT ALL, but just trying to get into her mind. Whatever the case, I agree that it's time to end her power to disappoint you. You've made your feelings known and they've ignored them. :( I think it's time to stop hoping they will change, and like pp suggests, you can have your own family unit do things together. I'm not saying cut ties, but stop setting yourself (and your DCs) up for disappointment.

[kijip]

I am realizing I am on the other side of this. My kid seems to be the favorite, which is not fair by any measure. My dad loves my nieces very much but he does not know them as well. We could go round and round on why or how this came to pass (my brother is more distant from him, T is older and they are more bonded, I let my son bond with him whereas my brother tries to control every detail of my dad's interactions with his children, my dad comes from a generation where men often favored boys and like a fish out of water with girls, my dad is more comfortable with my family) but I have found myself prodding him to focus on parity in gifts etc because I want him to have a good relationship with the girls. It is shaping up to be worse now that my mom is dead, because even though my parents lived apart for a decade they collaborated on gifts and my mother was focused intently on fairness and she was just better at picking things out for the girls. My dad got the girls play dishes, play pots and pans and play tea set. After getting one of them pretty much the exact same thing for her birthday 6 months ago. What is clear is that he is not aware of the favoritism like others are and that he is legitimately not doing it on purpose. I would consider the dynamic between adult family members and if your child spends the same quality of time with your ILs as the other kids. Maybe it can be changed with some reminders and also some opportunity for everyone to get a little closer. Maybe it can't be changed and as the less favored grandchild of my mom's mother for years, I know that it sucks. Isolating me from it was the best my mother could do.

I would also not try and compete with the time...I don't see why watching all the cousins together is a problem. When my kids were younger I thought it was a problem but I have loosened up considerably and that trust that I place in my dad's ability to be a grandparent (and not a parent) strengthens our relationship. As mama, I do not let kids run in circles in front of the tv with their cousins or pass out juice boxes like water or paint on the dining room table. But being a grandparent is different than being a parent and I have learned that a little crazy time with grandpa does not damage my son in the long run. I am estranged from one of my two brothers, who my dad choses to have a relationship with, mostly through baby sitting their kids. I used to freak if he was going to watch my son and theirs and make different plans. But I got to the point where I expressed my real concerns- not taking my son to my brother's house, not babysitting for both if one of them was sick etc and solved the problem. And much to my chagrin, my son really loves seeing those cousins at Grandpa's house.

My brother also has decided to take my dad up on watching the girls so he and his partner can go away for a little bit, so I think that will help things a some. Also, as the kids get older, I think that makes a difference.

[4Myluvbugs]

Can I ask what your DC's relationship was like with your MIL before DN came along? Since he's only 20 months it seems a dynamic would have been established already (especially with th seven year old). Maybe MIL just likes the baby stage?

I guess maybe that's what is making it more difficult for me to accept. She had a great relationship with us and our kids. Typically they would visit her or she would babysit them once a week. She came to all school events, would call, etc. It might have even been a little too much. She went from that to being "hyper-focused" on SIL and DN as soon as she found out SIL was pregnant. There was definitely a defined shift in the relationship and attention paid to our DCs pre and post DN!


Not making excuses AT ALL, but just trying to get into her mind. Whatever the case, I agree that it's time to end her power to disappoint you. You've made your feelings known and they've ignored them. :( I think it's time to stop hoping they will change, and like pp suggests, you can have your own family unit do things together. I'm not saying cut ties, but stop setting yourself (and your DCs) up for disappointment.

I totally agree with you and I know that's what I have to do for the happiness of our family and DCs, it's just really hard for me to let go and ignore!

[jenandahalf]

I was the favorite grandchild too but it was because she was trying to make up for me being left out at home so much. My grandma hated that my mom had so little time for me and that I always got the worst gifts etc out of my siblings so she always tried to make up for it, which made my mom more mad!

I think previous advice to accept it and try to limit your expectations is probably best. I don't set my daughter up to hope for birthday or Christmas cards or gifts from my mother because I have no way of knowing if this is going to be the year she bothers (she's only done it once or twice in six years). She doesn't even think they are her grandma and grandad, the ones that call her every week and save every last penny to come visit her (the ILs) are her grandma and grandad. You can't make them start caring, sadly. If they want to miss out on this precious time then that is their loss. Plenty of kids grow up without grandparents (I only had one) and do just fine.

[4Myluvbugs]

Thanks for listening and offering advice and support. This situation has been really hard for me. I feel really sad for my DCs. MIL still calls and will ask for DCs to come over and play with DN. I don't mind them spending time together and think it's nice if they are close, but they get no time or attention from her that is just theirs. Does that sound weird? I just want to tell her that as much as I love her, this whole thing and the unbalance has really hurt and bugged me. Our DCs are energetic yet really sweet kids and they deserve more than her "leftover" time that she can squeeze in when she's not involved with DN. I also think part of the problem is that SIL takes advantage of the time and attention that is given to her. I mean really, you're off work for two weeks and you have someone else taking care of your child the majority of that time???
You are all right that I need to get past this and stop setting myself and the kids up for disappointment! I guess a little part of me thought that DH's talk with them would make things better or the hurt part of me at least thought they might apologize or feel a little guilty. 2 weeks later and things are actually worse and MIL has offered nothing but a bunch of lip service :gloomy:!

Advice: So in the future when MIL calls and wants DCs to come over and play with DN or she's rattling off her schedule for watching him how should I react?? Should I keep the kids away, bite my tongue, or ask why SIL isn't watching him when she's not working, or tell her how hurt I am (although DH already touched on this when he talked to them)?


Thanks again for listening to my family saga and for offering advice!
J.

[Reyadawnbringer]

Well I could be wrong on this because I have never had an issue like this, but if I were you then I would let your DCs go over to MIL's house when DN is over and let them all play together, BUT- while agreeing to that I would also ask MIL upfront when she thinks your DC would be able to get some much needed one on one time with her.

You can tell her how you feel and how hurt you are, but if I am correct in saying so, then I think the real problem is that you are hurt FOR your DCs. In this case you need to step outside your own feelings and discuss with MIL how hurt your CHILDREN are and how obviously at their age they DO notice a difference in the quality time and attention they get from her. When (if) your children ask why they don't spend as much time with grandma or why DN is always there then I would encourage THEM to express their feelings and questions to grandma.

See, because when you express how hurt you are, you can end up sounding petty in their minds. But when your DCs express how hurt they are, then their feelings become valid.

As for the SIL taking advantage of the free time... I am not 100% sure what is going on there. The first thing I thought of was if she works full time (as I do), and so does her DH then it doesn't seem unreasonable that you would ask someone to watch DC for a few days during your off time. (Lord knows I could benefit from something like that- DH has been working 16 hour days since Dec 1st and I have been struggling to juggle work, house, and DS)... I guess at first 3 days a week WOULD seem excessive during a 2 week vacation, but it could also be that if this is what they have been doing for a while then they don't want to cause an interruption in the schedule... I know my son gets SUPER cranky and it can take weeks to get him back on schedule after a disruption.

Another thing I thought of (I don't remember if your DCs are both girls or boys, or one of each) is that if DN is the first grandson, this could also be a reason for all the attention. Just a thought...

Hope you can get this all sorted out soon, its such a heartbreaking situation for your DC.

[HIU8]

I can honestly say that I have been on both sides of this. My grandparents (one set) treated me like I was a queen and my one male cousin the same way. My sister and brother were treated like crap. They valued first born status and firstborn male status ONLY. I hated my grandparents and to this day do not have a nice thing to say about them because of what they did (I did not like being given things when my sibs were ignored etc...--made fights happen a lot as a kid with my sibs).

My own parents, although, divorced, have a much much much closer relationship with DD and DS than they do with DN. My sister sees this and so do I. BUT, my sister and BIL do not allow my parents access to DN--like they might damage her. Truth is my BIL is nuts and has filled my sister's head with all sorts of weird stuff (I cannot go into details, but BIL needs to be medicated and/or committed). Therefore, my parents see DD and DS much more than DN--hence the closer relationship. I feel sorry for DN, but she cannot change that her parents don't let her see her grandparents that much (but she is made to go weekly to sit and watch her other grandmother in a home--and I mean she is made to sit-and stare at her for hours--DN is 3).

[codex57]

I say "screw em" and would tell them to their faces. Make excuses and ignore/avoid them for a while. If they ask why, tell em. "MIL, you're incredibly biased, and since it's clear you do not love my child despite all the crap you say, we have no desire to hurt DC any longer by letting you tell him you'll do something and then refusing to do it and watching him cry as he's crushed when he realizes you're full of crap." I wouldn't bother with SIL. Tell MIL that SIL is monopolizing her time and MIL is neglecting DC by catering to SIL's every whim. If MIL wants, she can make time for DC. If she doesn't, "it's clear to us that MIL don't love us or DC and that's fine, we won't be in your life any longer since you don't want us. If you change your mind, let us know."

Yes, it's blunt. Yes, it'll cause hurt feelings. However, it needs to be clearly stated so they can't hide anymore. That's the issue. It's out there. MIL can choose to show that she's not just all words or that she really doesn't love you guys.

I normally wouldn't have written that course of action cuz I'm a guy and that's not how girls like to approach issues like that. However, MIL was INCREDIBLY biased in favor of the boys. My two SILs sorta just took it. DW, the baby, was like, "Hell no! Mom, you're being incredibly unfair! <insert reasons applicable to her situation>" Took about 10 yrs, but MIL has made incredible progress. Not perfect, but nice progress. However, it must be noted that because DW stood up for herself, she got MIL to allow things that to this day, my SILs still don't have (like cars; one doesn't even have a driver's license).

[BabyMine]

We are dealing with this at our house. MIL favors SIL's DD. Our children never see MIL or FIL hardly ever. When M was born MIL was always over here. SIL has always been favored over DH. What we have done is to just live our life. We will tell MIL what is going on and when and if she chooses to show up then thats fine, if she doesn't so what. DH's favorite expression is " it's her loss". The other thing that I found out is that mothers treat their daughters children different that their son's children. I know it hurts and the children are noticing but you cannot change people. If it bothers you children then instead of making exscuses for MIL have them ask her. We like it now that MIL and FIL don't visit that much. If MIL wants to do more for SIL then so be it. Just live your lives knowing the current behaviors of the IL's.

[wellyes]

I agree with the PPs. Step back, stay away, avoid. Visit rarely or better yet, let your husband visit without you. The value that you want your DC to get from the grandparent relationship isn't happening, instead you have this lousy family drama and an unpleasant dynamic that your DC must be aware of on some level. Disengage. If / when they do step up, be pleasantly surprised. It's bonus.

[jenandahalf]

If she asks you to bring your child over to play with the one she is looking after, I would say 'thanks but (my child) would rather wait for a time when it's just the two of you'. You've made it clear that you'd prefer the one on one time, and it's up to her to either make that time available or not bother.

[boltfam]

If she asks you to bring your child over to play with the one she is looking after, I would say 'thanks but (my child) would rather wait for a time when it's just the two of you'. You've made it clear that you'd prefer the one on one time, and it's up to her to either make that time available or not bother.

I think that's a polite way to make your desires known. I also agree with the PPs that say to distance yourself a little. I wouldn't totally thwart them off but I would do what you have to do to avoid letting you and your DC get disappointed. My SIL does not have children yet, but I know that when she does, we'll be in the same situation. MIL already totally favors SIL over DH and the world revolves around her.

It ticks me off but I know that that's just the way it is. I can't change it. We can talk to ILs (which I think it's great your DH did) and if things don't change after that, at least you know you did what you could. I also liked the advice to just let your DC ask your MIL about unfairness issues instead of you making excuses for her.

Good luck! It's not an easy place to be in. Hugs:hug5:

[momof2girls]

Two words: Low Expectations.

My own mother clearly favors my sis's 2 kids who live on the same block as her. She sees DNs daily and knows every detail of their lives. MY kids are somewhat inconsequential. I've learned to set low expectations as far as what I expect from her when it comes to interest in my kids and it has made things much easier. I don't ask her to come to any school functions b/c she is always babysitting for DNs or going to their functions. Unfortunately, DD#1 is noticing that her friends' grandparents seem to attend a lot of functions that my mom doesn't go to and it hurts her feelings. Luckily, some of her friend's grandparents have noticed this and try to give her some special attention at these functions.

[michellerw]

My brother and I grew up as the non-favored grandchildren on our father's side. Basically, the backstory was that my mother was my father's second wife and my father's brother was the favored child to boot. When my father's first marriage failed, it was expected that my father would devote his life to taking care of his parents.

My father did not devote his life to taking care of his parents, so my grandparents spent their lives making sure that my brother and I knew that we weren't the favorite grandchildren. They made my mother's life miserable as well. To be honest, it was harder on my mother than on my brother and me because we had (have) a phenomenal relationship with my mother's parents and, when they were alive, with my father's more normal relatives, like his godmother/great aunties and his great uncles. As an aside, my uncle, the favored child, and his kids, have ironically led wholly unremarkable lives (and behaved appallingly at my wedding -- but that's a story for another time) while my brother and I have done comparatively very well, despite being told how much better our cousins were than us our entire lives.

My mother's approach was to distance, and it was easy since my grandparents lived on the west coast for my entire childhood and didn't have a lot of interest in seeing us. Overall, it was the best choice because my grandmother in particular liked to spend time telling my mother -- and my brother and me -- that we were all personally responsible for things like my brother's learning disabilities, my seizure disorder, etc. etc.

I guess my point is that people don't change and that this situation has potential to get worse over time. If you distance now, your MIL can make amends if she decides that's what she wants. Otherwise, you can protect your kids.

Good luck.

[kdeunc]

I am going to offer another point of view and hopefully not offend. Do your kids tell you that they feel ignored and neglected when they visit while their cousin is there or is that how you imagine that they feel? I know that sometimes I get "hurt feelings" for my kids when in reality they aren't fazed by whatever I perceived to be the slight. ( I am not talking about missing the holiday concert, I am sure that was upsetting.) I know that my 7 and 5 year olds often enjoy "entertaining" smaller children despite their age difference. If you think that it might be your hurt feelings guiding you and not your kids I would encourage you to still facilitate a relationship with the grandparents. My grandparents were all dead by the time I was 11 and to this day I still wish that I had been able to have the relationship with them that DH and many of my friends were able to enjoy with their grandparents into adulthood. Just a thought...

I hope that you can make peace with the situation. :hug:

[jjjo1112]

We have the exact same situation in our life. My MIL clearly favors SIL children. She sees them on a daily basis, attends all of their functions etc. She sees our children only when asked and only if she isn't planning on being with SIL. The worst part is that SIL only lives 1 street over, so she could very easily pop in to see the kids while visiting SIL. At this point my kids are younger 4,2 and 10 months-so they don't really notice yet. She is fair with gifts/birthdays etc and the kids enjoy seeing her when they do. My DH and I, have actually talked with her about our feelings after she backed out of watching our children so she could watch SIL kids, but it didn't change anything. We have decided that if/once the children start to notice-they will be speaking to her directly about it. If our 4 year old is expressing to me that he hasn't seen Nonnie-I dial up her number and let him talk to her. If it seems to become upsetting to the children we have agreed that we will be limiting contact with her until she can even things out a bit.
Jackie Mama to 3 wild ones 4,2 and 10 months

[khalloc]

This is tough. I have a somewhat similar dynamic with my in-laws except that they do pay attention to my kids too. My SIL(DH's sister) lives right next door to them and they see her 2 kids all the time and babysit all the time. My MIL does not favor them though, I will say that. She is pretty fair usually. But sometimes it does irk me that whenever my kids are visiting, she will invite my DNs over at the same time...but to be fair, they are similar ages and love playing together.

My biggest irk is that if we invite MIL & FIL over to do something on a "holiday", like Halloween for example, MIL will always say she has to check with SIL first...WTF? ANyways, I feel your pain a bit but you have it 100x worse. Sorry!

[4Myluvbugs]

I bet you'll NEVER guess who the IL's watched on New Year's Eve & New Year's Day???

[4Myluvbugs]

I am going to offer another point of view and hopefully not offend. Do your kids tell you that they feel ignored and neglected when they visit while their cousin is there or is that how you imagine that they feel? I know that sometimes I get "hurt feelings" for my kids when in reality they aren't fazed by whatever I perceived to be the slight. ( I am not talking about missing the holiday concert, I am sure that was upsetting.) I know that my 7 and 5 year olds often enjoy "entertaining" smaller children despite their age difference. If you think that it might be your hurt feelings guiding you and not your kids I would encourage you to still facilitate a relationship with the grandparents. My grandparents were all dead by the time I was 11 and to this day I still wish that I had been able to have the relationship with them that DH and many of my friends were able to enjoy with their grandparents into adulthood. Just a thought...

I appreciate your thoughts on this and yes, I'm sure it bothers me more than it does the kids. They are too young to really get how lop-sided it is. They do enjoy being with DN and I don't mind them being all together at ILs sometimes. What I do mind is that they get next to NO individual time with them, it always has to involve DN who gets more of the attention. They usually play/entertain him for a short time and then spend the rest of the time watching TV/DVDs because MIL is involved with DN. In my eyes DN deserves individ. time (believe me he gets plenty) but SO do our kids and they just don't get it. And then to top it off when MIL is supposed to do something with them or for them (ie the Holiday Concert) she ends up letting them down or not coming because she makes DN & SIL her priority.

I don't really know how much this all bothers our kids as they are young and I don't know how to discuss it with them. I don't want them to miss out on a relationship with their grandparents, but in the long run is it healthy for them to be involved if they are just "second best" n ILs eyes or worthy of whatever little time they have leftover after DN??

[gatorsmom]

I don't really know how much this all bothers our kids as they are young and I don't know how to discuss it with them.

What if your DC aren't bothered at all by this but BECOME hurt later because they see how it bothers YOU? In other words, because you let it hurt you, they will be hurt by it.

I agree with the other posters (reyadawnbringer, wellyes and others) who've said that YOU are hurt for your children and your children may start to sense that. Back away from the ILs. Disengage and let your DH deal with them. The last thing you want is for your DC to sense your anger with your ILs and start to dislike them.

I didnt' have a close relationship with my mother's parents. My cousin did, though, she had a very close, almost preferred relationship. It never bothered me at all and my parents never said anything about it. However, if my mother had been bitter about it I KNOW it would have bothered me because there are still things to this day that my mom complained about that I think of.

hope you get it sorted out.

[hwin708]

I'm sorry you are hurt. But I don't think there is much of a solution to this, as it seems that a lot of your problem is rooted in your SIL's behavior.

As previous posters have said, grandmothers tend to be closer with their daughters' children than with their sons'. But this is primarily because they are given more access to their daughters' children. It sounds like your ILs love your children, and respect your feelings. They acknowledged that there is a difference in time spent with the kids, and said they would like to spend more time with your kids. And now.... you seem to be waiting for THEM to call YOU to ASK for it. Guaranteed, your SIL is not waiting on a phone call from them. She is calling them up, letting them know when she needs them to watch DN, and they are, as to be expected, saying yes. Just like they seem to do for you. Likewise, she does not care AT ALL if your children are there, too. Meanwhile, you want one on one time with the grandparents. But that's not something they are in a position to give you. Nor it is something they are DELIBERATELY giving to her child and withholding from yours. I can understand where you would feel your child is getting less, but honestly, what are you wanting here? Do you expect them to call up their daughter, who they know has come to rely on them as babysitters, and announce, nope, sorry, can't watch our beloved granddaughter on that day. Our other grandchildren will be there.

Obviously, you don't approve of your SIL's parenting choice to leave her child with the ILs so much, even when she is not working, but it's the one she's made. And unless you want to start leaving your children with the ILs several times a week, then they are always going to spend more time with DN (at least for now - things may change drastically as the kids get older and have busier schedules). So, yeah, they would understandably be somewhat closer with the child they see all the time. It sucks, but it's just how it worked out.

I don't mean to sound harsh, because I understand how much it hurts to see any sort of perceived slight towards your children, but I really don't see what your ILs are doing wrong here. They don't seem to be ignoring your children. Your SIL has just made them more active caregivers in her daughter's life. It's a trade-off. You don't want that kind of situation, so you don't get as much grandparent time.