WWYD- Move or Stay? Very conflicted and looking for input!

[WitMom]

DH and I moved to our current city/town 18 months ago. We loved our previous city and the only reasons we moved were to be closer to our parents and for a more affordable cost of living. Although we moved to be closer to family, we have no immediate family in the area. Our parents are about 2 and 1/2 hours away, and they are the closest family we have to our current location. Previously, they were 4 hours away.

Like I said, we have been here 18 months, and while we do not hate our current town, we are close. In the 18 months we have been here, we haven't really made any connections or friends. If we were ever to have an emergency, I can't think of one person I could call to watch DDs. I do think we have tried to meet people, maybe not hard enough, I don't know. Our current town also doesn't have a lot of the activities/resources/ culture and arts/parks and recreation that our former location had. To be fair, it is a much smaller metro area, so it is to be expected to a certain extent, but we just didn't expect it to be such a drastic difference.

We did love our former town, and are toying with the idea of moving back. The drawback would be the distance from family of course, and the fact that a comparable house would be much more expensive. Of course, the positives are we would have all of the resources that we had grown accustomed to, along with our old friends that we desperately miss. DD1 will be starting kindergarten in the fall, and I would prefer to have our decision made by then, whatever it is. If it is selling/moving, we need to make a decision soon to put the ball in motion. Once she is in school, I really want to stay put, wherever that may be. The move was hard on her last time, and I don't want to uproot her once she is in school

Other relevant facts- I work from home, so my location doesn't really matter, and my husband is currently a stay-at-home dad, so there aren't any job issues to take into consideration. While we do see my family much more since the move, I can't say that we have seen my in-laws anymore frequently (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). Since we have moved, my mom's health has declined and she can no longer travel, so any future visits would all be on our end....with us visiting them.

So what would you do?

[bubbaray]

Given the facts as you post them, I would move.

GL!

[purpleeyes]

Ok, so how much do you see your parents right now, even though they live 2 hours away? I am assuming you see them more than you would see them if you moved to your "old" town, so I would consider that fact- are those visits (and the amount of visits) worth you staying put? Are they worth it to the extent that you could try to put more roots down once DD gets into school-I have found that the school will offer you lots of volunteer/social opportunities to meet other people. Are they worth it to stick around, especially since your mom is sick?

That is the main thing I would consider-the time with my parents.

GL!!

[kristenk]

I'd move. The lower cost of living doesn't make up for the lack of connection you're feeling. I don't think that a 2.5 hour drive is all that different from a 4 hour drive. It really sounds like you'd be happier if you moved back. Good luck with your decision.

[MMMommy]

Given everything you described, I would lean towards moving. Since you are already 2.5 hours away from your relatives, an extra 1.5 hours distance on top of that doesn't seem like it would make a huge amount of difference considering you aren't happy where you are now. 2.5 hours from relatives is far away. 4 hours is also far away, but the additional distance seems minimal in comparison to the benefits/perks of moving back to where you were before. If you were currently only 30 minutes away or an hour away, I can understand the desire to stay closer to family. I'd make the move to the community that you miss and enjoy in light of all the factors mentioned.

[KrisM]

Can you move to the town your parents are in? Then, you'd have someone in case of emergency, you'd have a shorter drive to visit them, and maybe it would be easier to make connections with people, since you have something to tie you to that town.

[kijip]

I would move one of two places:

-The old town you like so much. While not universally true and while everyone has their own ideal, higher COL places are usually ranked higher for overall quality of life/activity and that is what you may be noticing. If no one wanted to live there, housing would be cheaper and people want to live places for a reason- job market, recreation, services, proximity to attractions, schools etc.

-The town your parents live in. If you are going to move to be closer to them, I say go all the way. Then you would at least have built in support for emergencies etc.

[jenandahalf]

Are those really the only reasons you left your old town? Wasn't there anything else about living there that you were glad to see the back of?

I get really 'homesick' for where we lived before but it's usually when things are bad here, like now when I've got medical bills coming out of my back side and am facing unemployment even though I'm 22 weeks pregnant, neither of which would have happened back there. But then I remember that when things were bad there I wanted to move elsewhere too.

[SASM]

I am so sorry that you are going through this....I know from experience. All I can say is...HOLY COW...It seriously read like something that I could write! Same amount of time in new location, same boring town description, same distance to family, same love for former town, same cost of living issues...WOW! I really feel for you. That being said, since you would be the only ones doing the driving, I would seriously consider moving back to your former town. Even if the cost of living is a little higher, you'd all be happier. For our family, there really isn't a difference between a 2.5- and 4-hour drive. You can easily go home for a weekend and stay with family/friends, or even for a quick daytrip, if need be. If it wasn't for DH's contract, we'd be out of here, too...you are lucky that you do not have a commitment tying you there. If you DO decide to move, still try to make things do-able. What kinds of activities do you ahve your DD enrolled in? To make our stay here livable, my kids are enrolled in swimming, gymnastics, iceskating, and soccer. It keeps them busy, happy, and socialized, and it keeps me busy, "happy", and socialized. :) Thatbeing said, we have not exactly been blessed with a great assortment of neighborhood kids, like we were accustomed to in our former town, so the afternoon activities are VERY necessary.

GOOD LUCK with the decision, mama! I am sooo jealous that you have the ability to move back. Granted, I am living vicariously through you...not looking at the ENTIRE picture. I am sure that others with "reason it out" for you. :)

In the meantime, misery loves company...I am here for you! :) PM me anytime. :)

[gatorsmom]

I think the key to making friends in here (I'm assuming you are living in the Twin Cities, Minnesota? I thought I'd got that from other posts you made), is either through friendships made at work or kid's activities. It will be really hard for you to make friends through your current work situation since you both work from home. But, we started making friends through the kids' school. And I know that mothers around here form friendships with other hockey moms, girl and boyscouts, etc. Also, ECFE is a GREAT way to make friends, if you DH is open to that.

Well, we moved here from Houston, Texas for nearly the same reasons. To be closer to family. After almost 8 year here we still miss our friends in Houston, the COL, and so many other things. But I'm really glad I'm raising my children here for other reasons.

I'm pming you.

[kozachka]

I would move one of two places:

-The old town you like so much. While not universally true and while everyone has their own ideal, higher COL places are usually ranked higher for overall quality of life/activity and that is what you may be noticing. If no one wanted to live there, housing would be cheaper and people want to live places for a reason- job market, recreation, services, proximity to attractions, schools etc.

-The town your parents live in. If you are going to move to be closer to them, I say go all the way. Then you would at least have built in support for emergencies etc.

:yeahthat: I was thinking the same things as Katie. If it were me, I'd move. 18 months is usually long enough to meet new friends if you live in the same country and have not stayed at home all the time. Be warned that some of your friends in 'old' town have moved on with the lifes and unless you were staying in touch with them all this time, you won't be walking into the same relationships.

[wellyes]

BTDT. It's similar to the classic story "loved our city apt, couldn't afford a home in the city, stuck in a house in the burbs now missing the old days". (Dunno if you had an apt, that's just usually how it goes..... lower cost of living buys you house / space at the expense of city advantages).

I miss my old city dearly (Providence) but couldn't afford to go back due to commuting issues plus we bought a house and would lose a lot of money - mortgages fees, to start. Someday, hopefully. If it won't impact your commute, and you can afford it, GO BACK. Seriously. You only have one life to live, this is not a dress rehearsal. Do not hesitate to do what will make you happy.

[mommylamb]

2.5 hours away still isn't a day trip. If it were 1 hour, and you could see them for dinner and then go home in the same day, I think it would be different. I would move back if I were you. It's no fun to be isolated.

[egoldber]

2.5 hours away still isn't a day trip.

LOL! We often drive to Philly and back for the day. My SILs live there. We leave early, are there for lunch and dinner and then come home.

[KrisM]

LOL! We often drive to Philly and back for the day. My SILs live there. We leave early, are there for lunch and dinner and then come home.

:yeahthat:

I think it's all your perspective on things :). We do 2.25 hours to my parent's lakehouse and it's often just easier to do it in a day than to deal with sleeping there and leaving early in the morning.

[egoldber]

It helps that my kids are early risers. We let them sleep until they wake normally (between 6 and 7) and then just get on the road.

We probably go once a month on average.

[arivecchi]

We did the exact same thing about three years ago and I was immensely happy once I moved back to Chicago. I just felt way too isolated and unhappy where I was. It was not worth having the better house/lower cost of living.

[mommylamb]

LOL! We often drive to Philly and back for the day. My SILs live there. We leave early, are there for lunch and dinner and then come home.

I suppose I shouldn't say that 2.5 hours is not a day trip... there have been times when my commute was close to that:( and I only live half an hour from work on a non-traffic day.

[bluestar2]

I would move.

[hillview]

I might try very specifically to make some friends. And if that still didn't work out I'd move. I might consider a second location to move vs old location eg closer to parents. That said 4 hrs isn't horrible.
/hillary

[WitMom]

Thanks for all of the insight everyone. We will be mulling this over for a while, while we try to reach a decision.

For those of you that suggested we move to my parents' town/my home town, it isn't really an option. It is a very rural area (town and surrounding area have a population of 600), and is essentially a dying town. None of my friends live there anymore, and there aren't many young families there anymore. In addition, the schools aren't as good as they used to be, given the above. It's okay to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there lol.

Someone commented along the lines of remembering what was bad about our old location, and considering if we want to go back to that. (I'm not wording that exactly the same, but that was the jist of the comment, I think). There are things we disliked that we don't have to deal with here, that's true. Traffic is one of those things. Also, the pace of living there is more harried than here. All things we will need to take into consideration.

Gatorsmom- I'll pm you later tonight!

Thanks again everyone. Any other comments/insight are welcome.

[codex57]

What were the negatives so we can comment on them?

Traffic isn't much of a negative to me. You work at home and your DH is a stay at home dad. How often do you really need to brave the traffic? Traffic is all "relative" too and something you can get used to. I'm from Los Angeles. I got "used" to LA traffic cuz I grew up there. While I don't enjoy it, the traffic here is much lighter and you just work around it. Since you guys don't need to commute, it's much easier to plan around it.

The pace of living is more of a difficult problem to adjust to. Traffic is just one aspect of "pace of living" and if it gets too much, I know it can be overwhelming for some people. We have a friend who's from Hawaii and she complains about the "fast pace" living here. We can see it's getting to her. Traffic ends some time, even in LA. However, if everything is faster, you don't get a break from it.