How do you stay supportive?

[baymom]

I'm having a hard time with this and would love to hear how you ladies do it... DH works A LOT. We only see him in the morning and are all always asleep before he gets home at night. He started his own business about a year ago and works comes in spurts, so when he gets busy, it lasts a few months and then may die down for a while before starting up. He loves his work, and I am a SAHM, so it's important to our family financially that this works out. Even when he was working at his firm before, he still had the same schedule, so that part of it isn't new, just that now there is no sure paycheck coming in--if he decides to take it easy once in a while, it directly affects our bottom line. So, I would certainly LIKE to be supportive, but can't seem to be able to, anymore.

I feel so resentful that I have to do every.single.thing for the family. I am exhausted all of the time and sometimes feel like I want to crawl into a corner and cry from fatigue. It's so hard to be a cheerful, engaged and attentive mother to DC like this and I hate that I can't be. I know it won't be this way forever, so I should not feel so annoyed, but I just can't seem to. I acknowledge that I am used to having it easy since when DH is home, he is extremely helpful around the house and with the kids....

I used to stay up as late as I had to, so that we could spend time together when he got home, even if it was for just a few minutes. Now, I couldn't care less. I don't even really want to call him at work--unless I have a very pressing question. It feels like I am mentally disengaging from him and I don't want to.

I know I'm not the only one with a spouse who works long hours. How do the rest of you do it? How do you support your DH without feeling hostile that you have to do everything all the time and also have the energy to be the type of Mom you want to be? I keep telling myself that I am being really petty and need to suck it up and just get over it....but I just can't seem to. Any advice or bits of wisdom? If you managed to read this far, thank you!

[pinkmomagain]

My dh is driven and ambitious...these are some of the things that were attractive to me in the first place. He provides extremely well for us and doesn't spend time golfing, or at bars or sports events or anything...his down time is spent with us. For much of our marriage he worked in very high-pressure situations and traveled alot. I was a bit resentful at times especially when the kids were young. As the years have worn on, I've developed my own patterns and ways of dealing and it's become easier. Recently he has ventured out on his own and that brings a new set of pressures on him/us.

I find the easier I make things for him the better it is overall. At the same time, I do try to draw him to the "nest" sometimes when he doesn't it do it on his own. It's actually been much better since he started his own business. Now the kids are surprised when he is NOT home for dinner (used to be the other way around).

The #1 thing that helped me was not to try to depend on him or look to him to relieve house/kid duty. We have a cleaning lady. And whenever I needed help/relief, my mom or sometimes a babysitter would pitch in. This way, I wasn't so resentful. Also, it's really important to have those date nites every once and awhile, and yes, I take care of all the details and say "On Saturday we're going out to dinner."

I don't know if that was any help at all...........

[cindys]

I stayed at home with the last 2 babies their 1st yr (no pay after 6weeks)..

DH has his own business and I was okay when I was just with one baby...We went out and did things..Went walking, to visit friends etc....

When I was out with 2 babies at the same time and he was gone alot I went mad...I felt alone and isolated..It was hard to get out with 2 during the winter (and the baby got RSV) so we were literally housebound for weeks.

Okay, I am back at work and the tables have turned...DH is home with the kids and working from home because his Real Estate Appraising business is not doing well...We are living off of my paycheck.

I am so grateful I have a good steady job (been with AT&T 29yrs) but I had really hoped to take a package and stay home with the little ones but I now cant do that...

I think what you are feeling is normal...Like you, my DH is so helpful, patient and truly just wonderful all around but being alone alot is hard even when you know that the reason he isnt home is so that you can be..

One mistake we made and continue to make is that we never have any couple time...We take the babies with us everywhere and it we cant take them we dont go...We always say we are going to have date nights but we never have...Try to make time for just the 2 of you (I need to take my own advice!)..

Hang in there!! :hug:

Cindy
Mama to 3 boys...18, 3 & 1

[alexmommy]

This summer my DH was really busy studying for a major exam on top of working. I also resented doing everything, but we made it. Three things that helped me were gently talking about it with DH, knowing there was an end to his crazy schedule (though it will start up again if he gets in to grad school), and that he took one day a week off for family/church. When we talked about it, it came out that DH also was missing us but kept himself going b/c he was/is convinced grad school is for the greater good--will bring more $$ for us. I'm not so convinced, not wanting the grad school schedule, but have chosen to be supportive anyway.

Perhaps you could talk with DH and ask when he will be done with this crazy schedule? Can he set aside any predictable time for family? For you? Even just a few hours on Sat. evening or Sunday afternoon might help if you could count on it. I echo pp thoughts on getting all the outside help you can to lessen the resentment. For us it wasn't an option. Hang in there.

[DrSally]

It's hard. DH is in consulting and works very long hours, and is usually out of town. In addition, when DS was a newborn, he was doing a weekend, executive MBA program that was very demanding. He was regularily away for weeks at a time and when he was home, he was studying. I think I just focus on getting through what I have to do and try to let some things slide. It is exhausting and can be very lonely. I know what you mean about feeling like you're doing everything--all childcare, shopping, cleaning, medical appts., gift shopping, bday parties, etc. I envy those with a spouse that is home for dinner every night. I guess one thing that helped was having playdates and other moms/kids to hang out with.

[hollybloom24]

deleting for privacy!

[gatorsmom]

I know I'm not the only one with a spouse who works long hours. How do the rest of you do it? How do you support your DH without feeling hostile that you have to do everything all the time and also have the energy to be the type of Mom you want to be? I keep telling myself that I am being really petty and need to suck it up and just get over it....but I just can't seem to. Any advice or bits of wisdom? If you managed to read this far, thank you!

You need to reconnect with him. Start with weekly date nights, if possible. Even if you just start by going to a restaurant for a dinner alone or if you dont' want that, then go to a movie with him. Eventually, what you need to do is have a serious talk where he reminds you of why your sacrifices AND HIS sacrifices are going to be good for your company and your family. You need to be reminded and reassured that it''s hard now but it won't be that way forever. And you should tell him how you feel. I am sure that he didn't go into this business to drive his family apart but rather to provide for you better. AND HE needs to be reminded of that.

Big hugs to you. It is so hard, I know. My husband is very driven and works a lot. I admit I have a hard time being supportive of him even though he is supportive of me.

[baymom]

Thank you, each, for your replies. It made me feel so much better just to hear that others are in the same boat and it's normal. My IRL friends all have spouses who are home for dinner and the weekends, so I have always felt especially isolated in this experience. DH is an attorney but I'm not really close to his co-worker's wives, so I've never had the chance to talk about this with anyone who would really understand.

We do have cleaners and two days a week, both the kids are in school, so I have the morning to go running or to the gym and do my errands....maybe I'll start using the ENTIRE morning for myself. I have a group of girlfriends that I have breakfast with once a week and both my kids are in really active playgroups--any more social activities would just be too much for me. We do need to carve out more time for just the two of us....we always talk about it, but just never follow through. Thanks for your ideas, but most of all, for just letting me know that I'm not the only one. :hug:

[hopeful_mama]

I'm not in the exact same boat; some days are very long but others my DH works from home, and my DD isn't even 3 months old yet; but, I've been home for awhile and there've been some difficult periods. One thing that's really helped me is to stay connected via email. I can write about whatever's going on at home, he can read it whenever works well for him, and he can give a short or long reply, depending on his availability that day. It keeps him connected to what's going on at home, it makes me feel listened to (even when he doesn't have the time for a conversation), and it keeps me a little connected to what's going on in his work life.

And since family is the reason why he works so hard anyway, I feel it's even being supportive to make sure he's keeping up with what's happening at home.

[carolinamama]

My DH leaves in the morning by 5 and gets home any time from 7 (on a great, rare night) to 11. He works some weekends. His industry has been SO hard hit by the economy and many, many of his friends and coworkers have lost their jobs. He feels like he has to work hard and smart to maintain what he has worked so hard to accomplish. I used to be very resentful, especially after DS2 was born but it didn't change anything, just made me miserable.

My biggest suggestion would be to hire help where you can afford to do so. For instance, get a cleaning person and a mother's helper or sitter you can use to get errands done easily and have a little free time for yourself. This week, DH got home one night at 7:30. I had the kids bathed and ready for bed already. I took off when he got home. I just went to Barnes and Noble for an hour but it recharged me. DH is good with the kids, but I just have to tell him I am leaving and he is in charge - he would never offer because I don't think it dawns on some men that a SAHM needs a break. Plus his schedule is somewhat unpredictable so we can't arrange most of this in advance. Another saving grace for me is working part time outside the home. I realize most people don't have that luxury, but I work one 12-hour day a week. It's nice to use my brain and it's almost a break! Something else to help you handle it - find another mom or two who have husbands working long hours. Go on outings or to eachother's houses occasionally. It breaks the monotony.

Hang in there. You aren't alone but that doesn't make it any easier.

[american_mama]

You guys are all saints. Mature saints too. I am mired in resentment and my DH doesn't even work the hours you guys are talking about. Then again, he's also not particularly helpful around the house to compensate. I do not believe his workaholic-ness is just for a set period of time or for the greater good of the family; I believe it is his personality and the nature of his job to work like this and I see the endpoint forever moving forward.

I think the rest of you have better perspectives, but I am too angry to take the higher road.

[carolinamama]

You guys are all saints. Mature saints too. I am mired in resentment and my DH doesn't even work the hours you guys are talking about. Then again, he's also not particularly helpful around the house to compensate. I do not believe his workaholic-ness is just for a set period of time or for the greater good of the family; I believe it is his personality and the nature of his job to work like this and I see the endpoint forever moving forward.

I think the rest of you have better perspectives, but I am too angry to take the higher road.

It's a cyclical thing around here. Sometimes I am mired in resentment. I am no saint, just ask DH! Right now I'm not too resentful because it was really affecting my mental health (maybe it's just the Zoloft I went on taking the higher road for me :) ) Ask me next month and I may have a different answer, but I am at the point where I just have to look out for myself even if DH is going to work crazy hours and being angry was hurting me more than him. My DH definitely has the workaholic gene and I should have seen it way back in college. Back then I just admired his work ethic......

[egoldber]

I do not believe his workaholic-ness is just for a set period of time or for the greater good of the family; I believe it is his personality and the nature of his job to work like this

I do believe that some people are just prone to being workaholics for various reasons. And sometimes they need help to achieve a work/home balance.

[gatorsmom]

I do believe that some people are just prone to being workaholics for various reasons. And sometimes they need help to achieve a work/home balance.

:yeahthat: I totally agree with both of these statements. DH is very much like his father, his sister, and his grandfather (who I never met but heard plenty of stories about). They are all driven workaholics. And they are all very intelligent. i knew he would be like this before I married him so I don't ever look for an end to it. I just find new ways to cope. And if I'm having trouble I make it LOUD AND CLEAR that I need help, I have a problem and I want him to help me find a way to resolve it.

For example, normally I do a small amount of rental property stuff in addition to the household chores and taking care of the kids. There is always something to do, mainly filing but sometimes he throws something on my desk that needs to be done in a few days time. Like he did 2 days ago. Right now, coming off the holidays I'm swamped. There is no way I can it done int he time it needs to be done. So I told him- "look, if you have time to exercise every morning, then you have more time than I do. Look around my office. Look around the house at the projects piling up. For the next few months you need to take over the rest of the rental property stuff." Then he looked around and it was like he saw the mess for the first time. And he agreed that he needed to do it. And actually looked sheepish about it. this time my need was clear cut. It's not always like that but I find if I can verbalize my needs in "their language" they understand and look for a solution.

Not sure that was very clear but mainly I want to say I understand and hope you can find a way to feel better.