Anyone else with an anti-social DH

[neeter]

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[maestramommy]

My Dh is a little like this. But he's aware, so when we go to social functions, he does actually make the effort to talk to people. In our case, if we go anywhere with the kids, it's hard to socialize because we're running in different directions most of the time!

I've only had my first playdate yesterday, and while Mike was very pleasant to the other mom, he didn't stick around. He probably would have if the dad was there as well.

While Dh doesn't have good friends here per se, he has a couple of running partners from work, and one that he talks about a lot more, someone he chats with about stuff other than work (like house stuff:p). So there's hope for him. It just takes him longer. Same for me actually, even though I theoretically have more opportunities.

[MoJo]

I'd ask your DH how he feels. . . because I think mine would be MORE uncomfortable with more playdates at our place, although he'd be fine with me going elsewhere with DC.

DH and I have been married for almost 12 years. I used to push a little, hoping it would help. Now, I just accept that's how he is. I'm thankful he's usually not that way with me.

[egoldber]

Well, you could easily be describing me. :) Although I am probably not as severe as your DH and have gotten better as I have gotten older.

But in new social situations, I am very uncomfortable. It is VERY hard for me to put myself out there and make idle chit chat with strangers. My DH is the complete opposite and is great at this stuff. Me, I have to work at it. For me, it is definitely a mild form of social anxiety and it could easily be that for your DH.


I just don't want everyone to feel so uncomfortable.

I am curious who feels uncomfortable in these situations? Is it you? Him? Others? When I was going to playgroups, DHs were generally never around or if they were, they did not really interact or participate. Even my very social DH generally never participated. I don't think DH interaction is really expected is it? (Not talking about a birthday party or other type of family social event, that would be different.)


but I don't know how to get him into a conversation

In general, trying to get him more involved may actually backfire. Many people take a long time to warm up, but are then able to participate as they get to know the group better. This is definitely the case for me. I'm generally pretty happy to let others chat while I prefer to listen until I feel like I get the group/social dynamics a bit better. If I felt like I was under pressure to participate, it would actually make me less comfortable rather than more.

[daisymommy]

My DH is this way. We have both come to learn after having Joshua--who struggles with sensory integration disorder--that it's partly the same reason for DH not wanting to be involved in group settings. It's just too "much" for him. He does much better with one other couple.

[neeter]

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[mommylamb]

I think it helps to start small. My DH is not exactly a social bunny, though he might be a bit more outgoing than some other DHs. He works better in small situations. About a year and a half ago, we were invited for dinner by one of my moms group friends from when I was on maternity leave, along with 2 other families (so 4 families total, all with kids the same age). DH was not so psyched about going, but he did it. And, we got together with the same families again the next month... and it just kept going. Now he really enjoys it. It helps that the dads tend to be a bit more his style. DH doesn't like super macho guys. Now, we don't have everything in common with them, but it's enough to make it fun. Now we both look forward to it every month and our kids have become really good friends.

[JustMe]

I am not married, but I find I am sometimes on the other side of this, meaning I have several friends who have husbands that I feel are as you describe your dh. When I am at their house they will almost never initiate conversation with me, if I initiate I get one word answers back, etc. Happily, this is not certainly true of all my friends' husbands. However, when it does happen, I wonder if its me specifically they are somehow uncomfortable; I wonder if I should continue to try to make conversation or just kind of pretend they are not there, etc.

All this to say, that I would suggest you lightly mention something about this situation to your friends. For example, "dh is a little shy, so he probably won't interact much. Don't worry about it; its just the way he is". What exactly is said here will depend upon what you and/or dh feel comfortable with.

[neeter]

Thanks, all really insightful points here!!

[khalloc]

My brother is like this. It makes me super uncomfortable! Especially when anyone besides immediate family is over. LIke if my family and in-laws are both at my house for something, or if I have a friend around and my brother is also over, or I am at my parents house (he lives at home still). I feel like I just need to let it go. Its nice to hear that there are other guys like this out there too.

Thankfully (most of the time!) DH is NEVER like this. He is very outgoing and loves engaging people in chitchat. Sometimes I wish he would zip it though. But overall I am happy he is good at making small talk, because I am not always that good at it.

[Globetrotter]

Dh is a little like this, but he has improved considerably over the years. When we first met, this was a source of friction between us as he didn't seem to make the effort to get to know my friends and would just sit there quietly. I am a very social person so I didn't get it and tried to push him into it. As I got older, i realized that was the wrong approach and backed off.

For whatever reason, he is more social now. He still doesn't have a lot of his "own" friends, other than a few coworkers or old school friends, but he has befriended some of my playgroup friend's dh's and now even initiates some minor social events :cheerleader1: He's come a long way!! In fact, over the past few years he is the one who is better at making small talk while I've gotten into my comfort zone with friends I know well and don't really make much effort with people I meet at parties!

Our playgroups have occasional family events, which is nice as we all get to know each other. Over the years, they have become like family and dh has gotten comfortable with them.

[Jo..]

DH and I are both like this. I am socially crippled around strangers, DH is worse. He would not come home at all if there was a playdate going on. If he did, he would hang out in another part of the house.

[Melaine]

My husband is definitely an introvert, though I wouldn't call him anti-social. He is not shy at all, he is actually a very confident conversationalist, he just tends to observe rather than partake in many group settings. There have been times when I have been frustrated with him, but it helped me to study more about personality types. Realizing that DH gets his energy from being alone and I get mine from being with other people definitely helps me look at things differently. Now I feel more frustrated with people who don't actually make an effort to get to know DH. He is an extremely supportive and loyal friend that many people miss out on getting to know because they don't want to put the effort into it.

[elektra]

DH's softball nickname, printed on the back of his jersey was always, "Enemy of Fun".
So he sort of embraces his anti-social-ness.
The weird thing is, he loves hosting parties at our house. He loves the pre-prep, the cooking...., all except actually interacting with the guests!
He hates going out though. And after a serious boyfriend in college who was SUPER social and would rather be out at a bar with a group of friends than at home with me, DH's homebody ways were a welcome change.
However, he seems to be getting worse and will often just retreat to another part of our house without even announcing something like, "I think I'm going to go catch up on some reading" or some other socially appropriate exit response. That is when things get uncomfortable for me, when I have to explain where he is or what he is doing.

[infocrazy]

My DH is pretty social but he would be looking at the playdate as "me" time for him since the DC and I would be occupied and would disappear either somewhere in the house, or go somewhere. If the H was around, he'd stay and talk to him.

As social as my DH is, he talks to his BEST friends 1-2 times a MONTH. I talk to mine just about every day. I think a lot of people just have different needs.

[wellyes]

My husband is definitely an introvert, though I wouldn't call him anti-social. He is not shy at all, he is actually a very confident conversationalist, he just tends to observe rather than partake in many group settings. There have been times when I have been frustrated with him, but it helped me to study more about personality types. Realizing that DH gets his energy from being alone and I get mine from being with other people definitely helps me look at things differently.

Yup. Introversion is not a character flaw, but it can definitely be very difficult for extroverts to understand.

But in just about every group sitaution I've been in -- work, family, friends, book groups, etc -- there are people who are aggressivesly social, people who prefer to hang back as far as possible, and then everyone else. So OP, I doubt it's all that uncomfortable to have someone like your husband in a group, it's pretty normal to me really.

[mom_hanna]

Well, you could easily be describing me. :) Although I am probably not as severe as your DH and have gotten better as I have gotten older.

But in new social situations, I am very uncomfortable. It is VERY hard for me to put myself out there and make idle chit chat with strangers. My DH is the complete opposite and is great at this stuff. Me, I have to work at it. For me, it is definitely a mild form of social anxiety and it could easily be that for your DH.

I am curious who feels uncomfortable in these situations? Is it you? Him? Others? When I was going to playgroups, DHs were generally never around or if they were, they did not really interact or participate. Even my very social DH generally never participated. I don't think DH interaction is really expected is it? (Not talking about a birthday party or other type of family social event, that would be different.)

In general, trying to get him more involved may actually backfire. Many people take a long time to warm up, but are then able to participate as they get to know the group better. This is definitely the case for me. I'm generally pretty happy to let others chat while I prefer to listen until I feel like I get the group/social dynamics a bit better. If I felt like I was under pressure to participate, it would actually make me less comfortable rather than more.

This is me as well. I much prefer to sit back and watch, and get involved slowly, if at all. I am better at forcing the social chit-chat when at get-togethers, parties, etc. but then by the time we get home, I am worn out. If I feel pressured to socialize, I actually am more inclined to leave, than if I am allowed to just hang out.

I am one of those moms who will more likely chase kids at a playdate, rather than stand around making conversation with people I don't know. This may be your dh's comfort level as well.

I know that sometimes other people who don't know me feel uncomfortable with me being so quiet and just observing - it may come off as me being judgmental? I am not sure, but it is just how I am, and if you give it a chance, you will figure out that I am about as open minded as they come, but I'm not one who fills silences with talk. Ever. If I have something to say, I say it, if not, I don't do small talk well at all. But I love to listen to other people talk!

Jennifer

[neeter]

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