Do I say anything or not...friend advice

[niccig]

I have a good friend, who is having troubles with her DH. It's been like this for several years. In the last 6 months he has done and said some things that I feel are very disrespectful and selfish. My DH has known both of them since college and he also thinks the DH is being an a$$hole, and is surprised that she is letting him do it.

She is very angry about it, and he refuses to talk about it let alone change the behaviour. I want to be supportive, but anytime she tells me what's happened, I want to tell her to stop putting up with his BS. I know she's scared that if she stands up to it, he'll leave her with the 2 kids, one has special needs. I think my perspective is different as my mother was disrespected by my father and didn't stand up for herself until I was 13, and I will not tolerate being treated this way. My DH knows that I'm not afraid to go it alone if I have too, and I'm a SAHM. I know it would be difficult, but I'd prefer those struggles to being treated like this. But everyone has their own tolerance level on different things. What is a deal breaker for me, isn't for someone else.

I think all I can do when she ask for advice or tells me the latest disrespectful comment, is to suggest therapy. What I really want to do is shake her and tell her she deserves better treatment.

[Laurel]

nevermind, after reading OP again I decided my advice is off.

[pinkmomagain]

I do like the idea of referring her to a therapist. Anything else could possibly get you in trouble down the road (if she leaves and regrets it or if everything turns out great between them). It really has to come from within her and maybe working with a therapist will help her sort through those feelings/issues.

[wellyes]

I think suggesting therapy is wise. Maybe even discuss it in terms of your own past and the struggles your mom went through. But what else can you do? It sounds like her leaving him is very unlikely.

Is it possible that the escalation of his poor behavior in the past six months is due to stress that they don't talk about - illness, job problems, family drama? We've gone through a patch of two where my DH was cold, distant, angry. It wasn't about me, but it took a while to work out (and a job change, in one case).

[sariana]

Are you in a position to help her if she does take any action? Maybe knowing that you and your family would be there for her would be enough to give her the confidence to stand up for herself.

So you could just say something like, "We'll always be here for you if you ever need any help." You wouldn't be getting involved, per se, just reassuring her that she has a support network.

[TwinFoxes]

I think your idea of suggesting therapy is a good one. I think you are wise to recognize that her tolerance levels are different than yours...but it must be soooo hard for you to watch and not scream.

[mommylamb]

I think, if I were in your friends shoees, it would help me if a friend told me that they were feeling angry for me and that I deserved better. That doesn't mean you tell her to give her DH an ultimatum, just that she should be treated better than that. She also might want to start planning for the "just in case" situation and he does leave her. Regarless of whether she stands up for herself, that might happen.

[roobee]

My friend just went through something similar. SAHM with 3 kids - the youngest has Down Syndrome, definitely a tough situation. Her leaving had been years in the making and she just got the courage to really do it a few weeks ago.

So, for my friend, and because this has been going on a long time, I think the best thing I could do was listen. What was I going to tell her that she didn't already know? And 2 years ago when she was thinking about leaving I totally offered any help or ideas I could think of (social services, etc.). And when she didn't leave - I didn't question it or get down on her about it. Seriously, what was she going to do? I don't live in her house or in her head, I had NO idea what her justifications to staying were, but they were her business.

Not to say that I was never critical of her husband, but I wasn't focused only on her leaving. She just needed to find tools (counseling/al-anon) to deal with situation and help her get to a place where she had the courage to finally be done with it and leave. I think the most I said was that her husband wasn't modeling good behavior for her sons, or maybe that counseling would be good for everyone in the family. I had gone off about what a jerk her husband was years and years ago- but then they stayed together and things were weird between us for a while.

[niccig]

Thanks everyone. I'm not hoping she leaves him, I'm hoping they can work it out. Leaving would always be the last resort. I said I wasn't afraid to go it alone, and that's because I've lived through the bad marriage, seen the affects and survived the separation and all the struggles. I choose happy but poorer family over richer but unhappy/unhealthy family. But I would only do it, if everything else had been tried and failed.

I talked it over with DH as my perspective on marriage is influenced by my childhood. I think DH was surprised that I'm not afraid to be a single-parent if that's what it came down to. He did point out that her situation is different, as we only have the one child and DH and I met later in life. My friend has been with her DH since college. And she hasn't had the same experiences I have had.

I'll keep encouraging therapy. They have gone before and went a little last year, but her DH disagreed with the therapist (the same one they had seen a few years back) and refused to do anything differently. I'll encourage her to see someone on her own if he won't go. When she asks for advice on something. I'll tell her that I would be very angry and upset and I would see a therapist. I'll also be careful to not let my experiences cloud my judgment. This is her DH and her marriage, and she does need to decide for herself. As other PPs pointed out, she knows but has to decide what she will tolerate, and what she will or won't do.

I'll keep the screaming internally.

[tiapam]

If she is talking to you about this stuff, IMO the most valuable thing you can do is provide reality checks. So every time she tells you about what her DH has said or done, make sure she sees it through your eyes and ears. Her eyes and ears have been getting used to this over time and she may be rationalizing or making excuses. I also second the rec to make sure she knows you are there to help if she stays or goes. A friend of mine underestimated her support base and when she did leave her husband, she made some decisions that did not turn out so well.