Disciplining 2.5 year old...what are your methods?

[deborah_r]

DS1 was pretty easy at age 2, I remember thinking "what are terrible 2s?" Well, DS2 is not so easy, and I think a lot of that stems from being the little brother. He gets mad and frustrated and lashes out. DS1 has a knot on his head tonight because DS2 threw a Hot Wheel at him. How would you discipline in that situation? I've always given attention to the child who was wronged/injured, then explain to the child who did wrong why it was wrong and tried to encourage an apology, or get that child to help the other child feel better (hold the ice pack, etc)/ This seems to be how our daycare handles it.

Well, tonight DS2 was not at all apologetic or wanting to comfort DS1. I felt he needed some kind of punishment for such bad behavior. So I tried a time out. He wouldn't stay and was freaking out panicked. He is still doing that snuffling/catching his breath thing, he was so upset and it's been about 15 minutes.

Just need some ideas, as I don't think timeout is the answer.

[hillview]

I can SO relate. I am watching this thread!

DS2 is a thrower and time outs seem to not work so well. I almost feel like it is a "he will grow out of this some day" stage for me. I've tried time outs. I've tried removing what was thrown. I've tried stern "we don't throw" NOTHING works. I am hopful that if I keep after it, it will get better.

Thanks for posting!
/hillary

[infomama]

Dd2 is around 2 1/2 and throws things occasionally, too. It's very frustrating but she does not respond to time outs. She will just sit there and cry and since the behavior has been repeated I know they don't work at her age.

We just reinforce that we don't throw/hit, that it hurts and it's not nice. I also tune in a little more when this behavior occurs. She is doing it for a reason whether it be frustration or sibling rivalry...who knows. I do know that I have to mediate a little more when she reaches this level. I hope this is a phase and that our patience and persistence pays off.

[nov04]

dd1 was trying to bite dd2 around this age. Our speech therapist advised against time-outs for dd1 in particular so I'm not sure about choosing it for other kids. She did advise a time-out for a favourite toy.

We made sure it wasn't one that gave comfort like her quilt, but something reasonably important. Next time she tried to bite we did as you did and additionally told her if she did that again, her wonder pets would be put away.

IMO, telling her the consequences of doing it again gave her the chance to behave appropriately and know what was expected of her. When she did try to bite her sister, we told her her pets were going away and she'd get them back in 2 minutes. Once the 2 minutes were up, we told her if she bit her sister again, we'd put them away. The time wasn't so long that she'd completely lose control, but be upset.

I think it happened a few more time but basically disappeared. It's the approach we've always used and even the mention of something being put away if she doesn't stop something usually stops the behaviour.

GL!

[MoJo]

My DD is only 19 mos and for now is an only, but she throws things almost daily in anger/frustration. I too am watching this thread.

[nfowife]

we do time outs in our house. If that was your first time doing time out, you have to teach them what to do- in terms of sitting in the place (might help to have a little chair or carpet square or whatnot as a visual reminder). You might want to use a timer- at 2.5 2 minutes is a good amount of time for a timeout. Though, in my house we sometimes go longer because you can't come out of timeout unless you are willing to apologize to the "victim" and sometimes DS doesn't want to come out of time out to say sorry. Time out is as much a "consequence" as it is a period to cool off and calm down. There have been times I have put DS in his crib in his room for a time out as well, but that is not the usual. Usually we do a corner right by our front door.

[Melaine]

we do time outs in our house. If that was your first time doing time out, you have to teach them what to do- in terms of sitting in the place (might help to have a little chair or carpet square or whatnot as a visual reminder). You might want to use a timer- at 2.5 2 minutes is a good amount of time for a timeout. Though, in my house we sometimes go longer because you can't come out of timeout unless you are willing to apologize to the "victim" and sometimes DS doesn't want to come out of time out to say sorry. Time out is as much a "consequence" as it is a period to cool off and calm down. There have been times I have put DS in his crib in his room for a time out as well, but that is not the usual. Usually we do a corner right by our front door.

:yeahthat: Time outs work great for us, particularly when it comes to sibling-on-sibling violence. OP, I think your DS's response to the time-out wasn't necessarily a reason to drop the concept of TOs. He was unhappy with the consequence, but that is to be expected. They might still work well for you with a little practice.

[mamicka]

One other thing I'd add is that sometimes in these situations you have to start watching what happens right before the throws. Once I started paying more attention, I realized that the older one was pushing buttons to make the little one mad. Sometimes I think it was on purpose, sometimes unintentional. Either way, I don't think we would have been able to only fix this issue by only correcting DS2.

HTH!

[mommylamb]

We've done time outs with DS on occation, but they don't work that well at this stage. Sometimes I'll go up and put him in his room so he can have alone time. However, usually all I need to say to him is "do you want a time out?" and he'll say no and stop the behavior. Then again, I only have one DC, so I imagine it's harder for those of you with more than one.

[hellokitty]

We do time outs. However, 2.5 yrs of age, they probably will not stay in time out on their own. So, you will need to reinforce it with them (hover) until they get the hang of it. The good thing is that ever since DS1 has been 3.5 yrs old, we very rarely ever have to use a time out for him. However, the bad thing is that our DS2 (4.5 yrs old) seems to be in time out at least once a day. He is the instigator, I've watched before and he is always the one picking on his older brother and I actually feel that DS1 is very patient with DS2. It's amazing how siblings can be so totally opposite.

[kristac]

I try to use the postitive intent approach from Easy To Love Difficult to Discipline.
"You wanted __________ (sibling to know you didn't like that)
so you ________ (threw the toy at them)
you may not ________ (throw toys). __________ (Throwing toys) hurts!
If you want __________ (sibling to know that you didn't like that)
say/do ___________ (I don't like that!) Say/Do it now! (child says "I don't like that!") You are doing it! You used your words! etc etc.

That said we do have a "You hit- you sit" rule in our house (which applies to any intentional hurting) so if DS is hurting his sibling then he would get a time out as well. Agree with PP that just because the child is upset by the time out does not mean it is not effective. Also I would expect that the behavior could be repeated regardless of the discipline method chosen since throwing/hitting/biting are all age appropriate behaviors and the child does not have the words/ impulse control to deal with his feelings. That's where the above technique comes in- teaching the appropriate response.

[deborah_r]

One other thing I'd add is that sometimes in these situations you have to start watching what happens right before the throws. Once I started paying more attention, I realized that the older one was pushing buttons to make the little one mad. Sometimes I think it was on purpose, sometimes unintentional. Either way, I don't think we would have been able to only fix this issue by only correcting DS2.

HTH!

I did have a talk later in the evening with DS1 (after I saw that he was doing things to DS2 that were making him frustrated) that DS2 does not have the tools yet to deal with his frustration and that what he was doing right then was causing DS2 to be frustrated. I told him that didn't mean it was OK for DS2 to hit him, but that it was also wrong to be intentionally causing him to be frustrated. I will keep addressing that when I see it.

To some of the previous posters, about time-outs, I wouldn't say it was the first time exactly, I think we have tried before, but he just will.not.stay. He gets uncontrollably frantic wanting to be next to me. In thinking back on it, when DS1 was crying and I was comforting him, DS2 crouched over on the floor and buried his head, like he was ashamed (not sure if they are capable of that emotion yet? But it looked like it.) So I feel like he already felt like DS1 and I were mad at him, and then by making him stay away from me physically (by putting in time-out) it was just too much for him. I actually thought he would throw up from crying, he was so frantic. I have read that time-outs are a withdrawal of affection/love, and I do not want to do that to him. He is incredibly attached to me. But I feel like if I go sit with him when he's done something bad, I'm rewarding him, no? So I don't know what to think about that...

[brittone2]

I have read that time-outs are a withdrawal of affection/love, and I do not want to do that to him. He is incredibly attached to me. But I feel like if I go sit with him when he's done something bad, I'm rewrding him, no? So I don't know what to think about that...

Don't think of it is a reward. Think of it as a reset. If you are having a "bad mommy" day (don't we all?? ;) ), would you prefer your DH or dear friend say, hey, go upstairs by yourself for one minute per year of age :ROTFLMAO: or would you rather they sit down and let you vent, talk about your issues, etc. with another human being?

Not sure if you have ever looked at the GCM site (I don't consider myself a conservative Christian but their gentle discipline board has some great ideas). There is a thread on the "comfort corner" that might interest you. It is the child's version of an adult coffee break. A chance to calm down, reset, etc. It doesn't have to be about inflicting a punishment in order for them to learn, so IMO there's absolutely nothing wrong with sitting there with DC and helping them with the comfort corner.

I agree w/ PPs that the older child sometimes pushes buttons. My DS never hit/bit, etc. but my DD did. HOwever, it was often when DS was getting in her face, etc. and she had no reliable way at that point to get her point across. If you can anticipate in advance, I think that's the most helpful thing.

The throwing also provides a physical release of stress. You could try modeling a different physical outlet...stomping feet, jumping up and down, doing an angry dance, etc. because some kids need that physical release of stress.

With both kids it was also helpful for us to talk about what could you do instead...get an adult and ask for help, etc.

IF throwing is a regular problem (outside of anger) you can also try redirecting to a "throwing box" of acceptable items to throw (not at someone though ;) ) like cotton balls, beanbags, etc. or to a ball outside.

[deborah_r]

It doesn't have to be about inflicting a punishment in order for them to learn, so IMO there's absolutely nothing wrong with sitting there with DC and helping them with the comfort corner.



One of my concerns in this specific situation is that DS1 will not understand why I am sitting with DS2 to comfort him when he is the one with a knot on his head inflicted by DS2! Would I try to bring them both to the comfort corner?

[brittone2]

One of my concerns in this specific situation is that DS1 will not understand why I am sitting with DS2 to comfort him when he is the one with a knot on his head inflicted by DS2! Would I try to bring them both to the comfort corner?

I think for me it would depend on the dynamics at the time. If everyone was calmed down a bit you could bring both. I would probably comfort the older first and then bring the younger to the comfort corner after I spent some time with the older DC.

Gotta run for a minute but here's a link to the comfort corner sticky over at GCM.
http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=207587

[deborah_r]

Just wanted to say I appreciate all of the responses, whether they be pro-timeout or anti-timeout. I'm kind of wishy washy as to whether I am board with them, and I am sure that interferes with the effectiveness of it in my house. The most important thing, I think, is consistency, so I need to figure out where I stand and be consistent! So I appreciate both views, and keept them coming!

Thanks!

[pharmjenn]

My DS just turned 2, and we have been using a time out equivalent for months now. It works great for DH, not so good for me. DS gets sent to the corner when he is bad. He knows that he will go to the corner, stand facing the wall with hands at his sides. He usually goes easily and quietly, then may start crying after a few seconds. He is called back after a minute or two and we explain why he got sent, that we love him etc. He then responds "I'm sorry" and gets a hug. They do timeouts at daycare in an armchair away from the other kids, but in view of their play.
When I do this, he keeps turning around to look at me, so I have found the best punishment is putting him in his highchair facing the wall. Same idea- nothing to do or see for a minute.
I am thinking my DH may be overusing it, as last night DS starting hitting my arm, then pointing to the corner and said "you were bad, go to the corner" He will also want something like the tv remote, and say "Corner?" like he is willing to go the corner if we let him have the remote.