What do you do with a dc who wants to know everything about what you do/say. etc?

[JustMe]

Dd will be 7 next month. However, she has always been like this in one way or another. She asks a zillion questions about what I do when I am not with her, who I talk to on the phone, what they say, even what happened at work. I try to give her light age-appropriate answers, but she will just ask more questions (she is not disuaded -sp?- easily). As I said, when she was younger, she did the same thing...lots of times I told her that some things were adult things and she did not need to know...but then she would turn that around on me and start to not tell me important things. She is just so persistent....and like I said, this is pretty constant. I don't know if this is enough info to accurately describe the situation (and how irritating it can be on top of being confusing about the best way to handle it), so let me know if you need more.

[egoldber]

No idea, but I feel your pain.

[pinkmomagain]

Have you ever asked her why she wants to know?

I'm the mom of anxious kids, so I sometimes see things from a different perspective....could she be worried about you and wants to know details about you when she is not there to see?

I could be completely off base here......

[marie]

DD1 is like this. If she hears me say something to DH, she immediately jumps in with "what are you talking about?", "what didya say?", etc.

Frankly, DH and I have started to tell DD that whatever it was, it didn't concern her. End of story. (I'll also mutter "let the mystery be, DD. let the mystery be" sometimes :p)

We have friends who listen to NPR and the like with their DCs around. DD1 would be listening intently and asking about ev.er.y.thing. over. and. over.

i feel your pain.

[cindys]

"No idea, but I feel your pain"

:yeahthat:

Mama to 3 boys...18, 3 & 1 :heartbeat::heartbeat::heartbeat:

[codex57]

DN is like that. I give it to him. I don't edit too much. DW thinks I get a little too detailed, but he started asking deeper and deeper questions. I fail to see the harm, plus, my patience for that kind of thing goes waaaayyy beyond what DW will put up with. Ok, so maybe he may not act as childish as other kids his age, but I don't see why all kids must act that way. He's apparently a very desired child that teachers at his school fight over to be assigned to.

[Pennylane]

My dd asks me lots of questions too, so I can totally relate. I usually don't mind answering unless it is something that I think she just does not need to know! I tell her it is something adults talk about or just change the subject and start asking her questions about friends, school etc. That always works!

Ann

[pinay]

I have had a student like this in the past (high school aged, so a bit different from a 7 year old, but could still apply). She would ask questions and each question came faster than the one before, and she got more and more worked up with each question. I ended up getting into the habit of telling her to stop for a minute, pick the 3 questions she most wanted to ask, and then only answer those 3. If there were other questions she had, there would be a waiting period before she could ask again (10 minutes or so). It helped her organize her thoughts and gave me a break from the incessant questioning. Half the time she would ask her 3 questions and then forget the others before the waiting period was up!

[JustMe]

Thanks! Yes, it is totally an anxiety thing..not only limited to when I am away from her, though, she will do it when I am on the phone too...I like the idea of asking her why she wants to know...but I have done something similar and she will then do the same thing (how would you like having a 6 year old who replies "Why do you ask?" when you ask a simple mommy-type question). I do really like the pp's suggestion of limiting the number of questions, but I know dd will get quite good at picking the questions to get the most info out of me. As to just answering the questions truthfully, I will do that when appropriate, but sometimes its just not appropriate, especially for an overly anxious kid! I appreciate knowing that others feel my pain also! I think a lot of this is b/c its just her and me. However, I am aware of all the dynamics that become possible for a single parent-single kid relationship and have made sure not to play into those (by not overly confiding in her, not making her my partner, not treating her like a decision-making equal), but that hasn't stopped her from doing her part to create this dynamic!

[hillview]

DS1 asks "what?" all the time. I finally asked him why he was saying "what" he said it wasn't that he didn't hear me but that he didn't like the answer. WELL now that helps me a lot. So agreeing with PP. Maybe ask why DC is asking and also I think it it TOTALLY reasonable to say that you will explain some and then maybe it would be time to discuss something else etc. If it is concern/fear, I'd try to maybe print our a schedule of what you are doing etc. To give her something solid to look at and know you are doing xyz now etc.
/hillary

[lalasmama]

Lala does this a lot. Like you mentioned, La is also one of those anxious children who must.know.everything. She'll be 6 at the end of next month. Depending on what is happening, I will occasionally tell her before she asks ("I'm on the phone with Mrs Smith, and we're talking about boring grown-up stuff"). We're in the middle of custody stuff (attaining guardianship through the state), so if its about that, I tell her the grown-ups are talking about forever-family stuff. Sometimes she overhears things just because its just her and I most of the time, and I can't get all my talking done after she is in bed, ya know?

If she doesn't need to know who/what I'm talking about, I just tell her flat out that its grown-up stuff, and not something she needs to worry about. If she continues asking, I tell her that I'm not discussing it any more ("La, I love you too much to argue about grown-up business").....

When I get lip back to a question I ask her (when she says "why do you want to know?" or "what do you think?"), its an instant trip to Siberia-- or at least to her room, with a reminder that I am the mom, I am in charge of her, and I expect a respectful answer when I ask something.

I try to point out to her that I am a grown-up, that I am 30 years old, which means I am better at worrying since I have gotten to worry 25 years more than her, so I will let her know if she needs to worry about something!

I wish there was an easier way to go about it, but with La at least, there's not. I have to be a strong, firm mom, and remind her that I am the mom, and I will take care of things, and she doesn't need to worry!

[JustMe]

Thanks, this is very helpful.

Lalasmom, I pmed you.

[egoldber]

Just wanted to add to my response above. ;) I do all the stuff mentioned here (reminding her it's my job, some things are for grown-ups only, etc.) and it still happens. I think some kids are just wired this way.

For my DD it's most definitely tied to anxiety, but also she is just intensely curious about EVERYTHING. It's wonderful, but also emotionally exhausting!

[JustMe]

Yes, Beth, I totally agree. Dd really is just wired that way. I have to laugh (not disrespectfully so) when I read the posts from parents who say I can just distract her, ask a different kind of question, etc. Dd would never fall for that...and most kids would, so I totally understand why others would think that could be done. I am a therapist by traning and have also been a preschool teacher. I am very famililar with distraction, setting limits effectively, etc. Dd is extremely persistent, has an amazing memory, is anxious, and has a need to know everything. Yes, there are wonderful things about that, but it is extremely exhausting and confusing!

Here is an example: A friend of mine died suddenly and unexpectedly earlier this week. This is something dd does not need to know, as she knew this person, but was not close to her and does not see her regularly...also, dd worries a lot about me dying, so I really do not need to add to her anxiety. Well, another friend of mine called very early the next morning to let me know about a related article in the newspaper. Dd, of course, needed to know why my friend was calling. I first tried telling her it was not that important. Didnt work. I then outright lied, as I was not in a good space from the news and really needed her to back off, and told her that my friend wanted me to know that she would not be home that night, as we were supposed to talk on the phone at night. Dd wants to know why my friend will not be home. I lie again, knowing dd's persistence and that it is better to give her an answer, and tell her a friend of this friend's, whom we don't know, is not feeling well and our friend is going to help her. Well, I get questions about what does this friend have, etc, to which I answer "I really don't know. C did say it was not serious and I did not ask more. I dont know X, so it didn;t concern me.". Well, the next time dd sees our friend who called, she immediately asks her "how is your friend? What did she have? Is she better? What did you do for her". This was about 4 days after my conversation with dd about this...Luckily I had warned my friend to expect this, but my whole point being that this is not a child who will be distracted and move onto something else!

I want to add that the above example is not one of me doing a great job handling this situation. Its what I did as when I was in a really bad space given the news I had received.

[kdeunc]

My 7 year old is just like this! It is now to the point that if I am talking about things that are none of his concern that is exactly what he is told and I stop the interaction there. I do not mind answering his nonstop questions about most things but there are definitely some things that are just none of his business. He hears EVERYTHING, including things that his teachers talk about to each other that students shouldn't hear. If he begins to repeat any of those things to me we discuss again that unless the teacher was talking to him then what they say is none of his business. I swear I think the kids is going to work for the National Enquirer! :)

[Katigre]

That is very typical behavior for an oldest, especially an oldest child who is a girl.

I would recommend getting a birth order book to give you some ideas about how to redirect her while honoring her desire to know and understand.

As someone who did that as a child, it has proved a very useful skill as an adult (when tempered by maturity ;)).

[egoldber]

As someone who did that as a child, it has proved a very useful skill as an adult (when tempered by maturity ).

Exactly, which is why I don't want to shut it down entirely. But the maturity and the tempering would be handy some days!

I'm not so sure it's all birth order though because my younger DD is also very much like this and, if anything, is harder to re-direct. :dizzy:

[JustMe]

Yeah, I am pretty sure with dd it is not about birth order, but about anxiety and the other positive traits we have mentioned above...however, if there is a way to both validate, respond in some way, and get her to move on I would be all for it. In our case, my experience has told me that it is not great to just set a firm limit of insisting that she stop. When I did this, dd really shut down in other ways and I felt it led to distrust on her part..that's when she didn't tell me important things...I am not talking about things I know and can insist that she tell me, but things that would happen at school and with peers that were really disturbing/problematic for her...she stopped telling me those kind of things...b/c I think she felt I dont tell her important things, so that is the way our relationship is...anyway, now that i kind of tell her something and do answer her questions, that has improved immensely..and I feel our relationship is better than it was when I just let her know that some things are just not her business (no matter how politely I did this). I know this would be the best thing to do for many kids, but it wasnt for her. Problem is I am now in the situation where I feel I am outright lying sometimes when she is not satisfied with answers I give about situations where it is not appropriate for her to hear the whole truth..and I dont feel great about that either.

[noodle]

I think some kids are just wired this way.

For my DD it's most definitely tied to anxiety, but also she is just intensely curious about EVERYTHING. It's wonderful, but also emotionally exhausting!

I haven't read all the responses, but ITA with this. My oldest is SO curious and thinks (and often worries) SO much (wonder where he got THAT... :innocent: ).
My youngest is more guarded about her feelings, but there's evidence she's Thinking just as much. And when she asks questions...whoa, they're big ones.

So, yeah, OP (and Beth ;)), I feel your pain. :hug:

[julieakc]

I wish I had a magic answer for you, because I sure need one for myself.
My DS is the same way. Wants to know everything about everything, including all sorts of things that an almost 6 year-old should not care about. He doesn't miss a thing....asks questions about phone conversations, my mumblings to myself, etc.

I thought I was the only one with a child this inquisitive.

Most of the time I try hard to answer DS's questions, but sometimes when I am busy/in a hurry, have answered the questions already, or the subject is none of his business I can get frustrated and short with him. Then of course I feel bad, but it is just so exhausting because it is never-ending. He literally wakes up asking questions and goes to sleep asking questions....and if he gets up in middle of the night to go potty will ask questions then too!

I thought it was all due to DS's syndrome....which I think some of it is, especially when it's a topic he does have anxiety over (i.e. wanting to make sure a show he wants gets recorded, etc.), but it sounds like there are other kids out there, without PWS, that are just as inquisitive.

[JustMe]

Its helpful to know there are others out there struggling with this too.

[kijip]

No idea, but I feel your pain.

Same boat here. Somethings we just explain in painstaking detail. Other things or times we just say that we are not able to answer his question right then but will answer it later if he writes it down and remembers it.

It is often a never ending stream of thoughts and questions.

[JustMe]

Same boat here. Somethings we just explain in painstaking detail. Other things or times we just say that we are not able to answer his question right then but will answer it later if he writes it down and remembers it.

It is often a never ending stream of thoughts and questions.


It is good to hear from people who are trying to figure this out too. I guess what I struggle with a lot are the questions that have answers that she really should not know (the typical adult stuff, gory details of death, things that I just don't want to share with her, etc). As I said, just outright setting a firm limit around these things was very detrimental to our relationship, and she is not someone who can be distracted! Perhaps, there really just isnt a good answer, but putting this out there just in case, someone else does have an idea of how to keep this boundary with dd. I am not one who struggles with setting firm limits or distracting kids, but that just hasnt been a posiive thing for dd and our relationship at all.

[Corie]

It is often a never ending stream of thoughts and questions.


Both of my kids are like this and it completely exhausts me.

My brother is like this. I remember when we were little and our
minister unexpectedly stopped by our house. My Dad was out-of-town
on business. It was after dinner and we were all in our pajamas. My mom
had a big laundry basket in the den and she was folding laundry as we
watched tv. As the minister is sitting there, my little brother is asking him
question after question after question. "Are you Jimmy Carter? Are you
sure? Why are you here? What are you doing? Are you sure that you
aren't Jimmy Carter?" etc, etc, etc.
He didn't stay long...

[mudder17]

First off, let me say that I know where you're coming from. Both my girls are very inquisitive, and they're constantly asking questions. It's harder with my younger one too, because she becomes frustrated when she thinks we're not answering the question she thinks she's asking and she starts to fall apart, which of course gets us all worked up. So Beth, you're not alone--my younger one is even more extreme. I guess it's a good thing she's cute and cuddly. ;)

We both try to answer their questions when we can, sometimes with a lot of details and sometimes with simpler answers, but we at least try to be as honest as possible. That said, we get frustrated when they're asking and we're trying to do another task and it does seem to be a never-ending stream of questions. One of my good friends has an autistic child and she put it in context when she said the following:

What do you do or say when your child constantly asks questions?


You be thankful that you have a child who is able to ask you questions and shows interest in what you are doing. While it may be annoying to have the questions bombarded at you, imagine the frustration of a parent who has to guess why their child is interested and has to endure either complete silence, echolalia, or rote phrases which may or may not be out of context. What I wouldn't give for my child to ask "why/what/how/etc", tell me about what she did in school and what her snack was. Hearing why she likes or doesn't like something would be music to my ears and many screaming fits would be avoided because I was able to provide what my child really wanted instead of what I thought she wanted. Be thankful you don't have to prompt your child to respond to practically everything directed at him and that he is aware when someone is talking to him. Be thankful your child's peers don't think she is weird because she doesn't talk to them and doesn't get how to play with them.

Answer your child's questions honestly and thoughtfully. Teach your children about open, honest communication by modeling the behavior. If your child is interested, there is a good reason behind that interest- learn how to use it to you and your child's advantages.

And no, I'm not criticizing anyone here. I just think that it gave me a different way of looking at things. Hugs to everyone for the times you get frustrated. :grouphug:

[JustMe]

While I can appreciate the above poster's point, and won't deny there are times I may feel frustrated my post and questions are not complaints about my child. I am concerned about the best way to help her and address her need. It really is not in her best interest to know some of the things she is quite persistent about. There are significant issues here related to boundaries, her questions are not limited to the kinds of questions many kids ask. This is beyond being inquisitive. While that may not compare to autism, it is quite complex and while I believe some things may work better than others, there is no pat answer on how to best address this. I work with children who are often diagnosed as having significant special needs (which I know is by no means the same as being a parent to a special needs child), so I know dd and I are fortunate in many ways. It is also challenging to figure out how to help a child who does not fit any particular label yet presents with some unique needs.