Neighbor kids - annoying, not well-behaved but also sad - Advice needed

[n2ou]

Without going into much detail, a new family moved into a rental house next to us. After a brief period of getting used to us and our basketball hoop and sidewalk chalk, they now annoy me.

They ring the doorbell several times a day, not once, but impatiently until someone opens (I have told them that it is impolite and to please only ring once - makes no difference).

They have had bags of chips etc. and when they are done, just litter my front yard (I have addressed this also). The sidewalk chalk is never put back in its bucket (actually the bucket is missing now). I don't care if they use the chalk, even if we are not out, but, please put it back so I don't crush it when I pull out.

Now the sad part, the kids are very small (there is 3 siblings, 8, 4, and 3 years old). IMO, should not play unsupervised outside. I can tell they are scared to go home, probably are not allowed to. They constantly ask my kids for food, water, bathroom break, snacks, toys - I mean you name it. My oldest dd is a gracious host and friend, but it is a constant in and out at my house.

My kids used to play in our front yard - not allowed to leave the driveway or walk into the street - in peace - not anymore.

I need to figure out how to deal with this. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[kransden]

Am I teaching those kids? Here is what I have found to keep my "happy place". I decide on whatever rules I am going to have and enforce them. Otherwise, they will take over your life. For instance the doorbell. I would tell them that if they ring more than once, no matter what, I will refuse any request they make. If they are super difficult I might sweeten the deal by saying I'll give them a bag of chips (or something) at the end of 2 weeks of good behavior.

I know you feel bad, there is a reason they are with you and not with the parents, but you are not their parent. Any kindness you can give them is better than none, but your family comes first.

[lalasmama]

I'll be watching this with much interest. We are the "newbies" in our little complex of 8 apartments, and I haven't let Lala play with the other kids yet, because I'm concerned about the lack of parental involvement and "taking on" 4 other kids that are out playing day and night.

At our old house, we had neighbors that let their 3 and 5 year old girls run around in just panties all summer long (including in and out of the pool, and we had about 20 houses on 8 acres). Lala knew that she wasn't allowed to play by their house, because of the lack of supervision.

At our new apartment, there's 2 other families with kids. One family contains the landlords grandchildren, who play with golf balls and golf clubs. They throw the 12" rubber playground balls at people's doors. They play "basketball" with the metal garbage can at 9:30pm. When they see an adult--any adult--they run up and "bombard" them, seeking attention. "Can we come play? What are you doing? Where are your kids? Do you have toys?" Their mom will tell them to "go play outside" and then shut the door, and the kids run wild. They are like 6, 5 and 3.5 years. Then there's the special needs boy that is our direct neighbor, he's probably 6ish too, and his parents let him out in the middle of the 3 other kids. The poor child has no sense of "good idea" or "bad idea" so he goes along with the other kids :-/ or does the "bad stuff" that the kids tell him to do.

My pastor comes to visit and reminds me that I need to show these children love and acceptance, afterall, its not their fault that their parents don't watch them. But its so hard, because I don't want Lala thinking their behavior is okay.

So, for now, I remind myself every moment I hear them screaming, that its gotta be a rotten situation they are in, and the last thing they need is another grown-up being rotten to them. So, I take a deep breath, put on my stern face, and ask, for the billionth time, that they *please* don't hit my door or the neighbor's door with things, because it makes me think they are hurt and trying to get my attention. It works for 3 minutes.

[n2ou]

You are so right, I am not their parent. I even feel bad for reprimanding them on their trash in my yard - but my yard my rules. Hopefully, they will get tired of me and my rules.

Today, the youngest is in my front yard, screaming - crying because she peed her pants. My dd wanted my dh to take care of it. We just send her home.

FYI, this is not common for our neighborhood.

[shawnandangel]

No you are not their parent, but from what you describe I worry about their home environment from what you describe. The littlest one may have been afraid to go home because she would get abused for peeing her pants.

You said they were "afraid" to go home. I would call child protective services. In the meantime I would set ground rules:

"You may only ring the doorbell once. If you ring it more than once you will not be allowed to play with the sidewalk chalk for 1 day"

"You may not litter your trash in our front yard. I have placed a small pail on the porch. That is where the trash goes. If you litter in the yard, you may not play with my DC for 1 day."

[n2ou]

My pastor comes to visit and reminds me that I need to show these children love and acceptance, afterall, its not their fault that their parents don't watch them. But its so hard, because I don't want Lala thinking their behavior is okay.

I tutor inner-city academically struggling kids, and I love my work. I feel a little hypocritical - at work these types of kids make my heart break, yet at my own home, all I feel is annoyance. Looking for the fine line to keep my family happy, raising kids that respect others and their properties, but also give some attention to these children who so obviously need some guidance.

[belovedgandp]

Wow! I had the exact same neighbors move in 2 1/2 years ago. Almost the same ages even. They are now in 4th, 2nd, and K. My oldest is the same age as their youngest. Yes, they are now in the same K class, but that is another story.

I attempt to find the line that lets me not be their parent, but also makes the rules consistent for our house. The hardest part we had in our cul-de-sac is that before this family moved in there were families with young kids in 6 of the 10 houses. With different ages came different limits; my kids were (and still are) the youngest, but essential respect and parental communication. All the "old" families tried to integrate the new family in, but it was soon clear that if you gave the kids and inch they took a mile and their parents were not going to communicate with us. I still have never spoke with the mother because she is never out. The husband has occasionally, but is only chummy with the men. There is some cultural differences here also.

Sadly, it meant that we had to change some of our neighbor friendly policies for everyone. Before this family moved in the other kids could run around in our backyard (no fence) and if we were out use our bubbles, chalk, etc. Yeah, no dice now. Everyone must ask permission to be on the property, are not allowed to go in our garage to get anything even if playing with my boys (I get it or my boys get the toy out for group play).

It took a few months of biting tongues and our "old" neighbors now basically follow the same guidelines. I do "parent" for the cul-de-sac more since I'm outside more, but the other parents do also. We've all corrected this family's kids for littering, climbing on top of cars in driveways, riding bikes through group kickball games, ramming their battery powered PowerWheels vehicle into garage doors IF this is happening in any of the other 9 houses, but if it's their house we stay mum.

I'm so sorry. It really is a pain. I'm glad our neighbors have remained friendly, but have definitely cut short some of our outdoor play days because of these kids. They are lacking supervision. Are shoved outside for long periods of time. Bum food off of our group BBQs. Sadly, the oldest is actually fairly nice, but the younger two don't play that nicely either. I've been biting my tongue for over two years when my now K boy told me that he didn't think the youngest was very nice. A great opening for a conversation about how to be nice to people, but not abused by them.

[MmeSunny]

No you are not their parent, but from what you describe I worry about their home environment from what you describe. The littlest one may have been afraid to go home because she would get abused for peeing her pants.

You said they were "afraid" to go home. I would call child protective services. In the meantime I would set ground rules:

:yeahthat: (A big one.) CALL DFACS/CPS/whomever. It is endangering these children to have them out that long at those ages unsupervised. Even if social services doesn't come out, it will go on record. These kids need a voice. You could be the one that gets the family the help that they need. The parents need to know what they are doing is not acceptable/healthy. We can hope that they just had crappy parents and are just ignorant of proper child-rearing practices. They need a wake-up call.

[Sweetum]

Sorry if I don't understand, but have you spoken to the parents at all? I think meeting them and talking to them about this (or about anything for that matter) might tell you what is going on in their minds in general - the kind of people they are - would they abuse their kids, are they just ignorant about parenting, etc. Also, it might help you understand a bit more by just visiting them in their house. I understand that these may be suggestions you may be uncomfortable with, but if you say that the kids' situation seems sad, and seeing that others are advising you to call child services, I think it would be right to first meet these people. And I don't think you would be overstepping since you are talking to them about their kids being on your property.

My 2 cents.

-SunshineAndMe
PS: please update - this is an intriguing thread - wonder what's happening in that household...

[infomama]

It sounds like you feel badly for them but enough is enough. Not the childrens fault of course...they are probably gravitating towards you because they want to be acknowledged.

That being said, if you think the children are afraid to go home because of possible abuse/neglect *I think* it's your duty to call family services and have a case opened on them. Personally I would not try to scope out the family situation myself as it will just pull you deeper into that place and you don't want to be there as it is.

I have known (through my job) parents who keep a clean house are educated and seemingly polite yet verbally and physically abuse their children. You just can't judge a book by it's cover in this instance.

Follow your heart.