If you are "one and done"? (Update in OP)

[jenfromnj]

We are 99% sure that DS will be an only child, for many different reasons. Since before we were married, we'd both felt strongly that we wanted a child, but I always had an inkling that one might be enough for us, and DH was on board with that. DS is amazing and the absolute joy of our lives, but the reasons that I thought I only wanted one child are still valid now, more than ever.

So many people brushed off our position on this before we had DS and while I was PG, telling us "oh, once he's here you'll change your mind, you'll see". Then when he was born and in his first few months, it was "just wait, you'll change your mind". DS is nearly a year old now, and I can say with a fair degree of certainly that he'll be an only child, barring very unforeseen circumstances. Our family seems complete, and we're happy with the financial and logistical implications that our family of 3 brings about.

Yet, people (many family members, even co-workers, people everywhere!) insist on continually telling us that we're going to regret this decision down the line, that DS will be at a disadvantage/spolied/improperly socialized being an only child, and that it's not fair to him, even implying that it's selfish of us to affimatively choose to have only one child. I generally just let these comments go in one ear and out the other because I know they're ludicrous, but it's starting to be annoying, since it's coming from lots of different directions, and frequently. I know I don't need to defend myself or even explain to anyone, but I feel that I could be handling the naysayers more effectively, since telling them that we're good with the decision and nicely suggesting that they not provide input on the topic, hasn't really helped to halt the feedback. So, if you're "one and done", have you found an effective way to shut people up when they try to tell you that it's the wrong decision? I can't imagine having the gall to think that I'm in a better position to plan someone else's family than they are, but apparently that's not a universal way of thinking :).

ETA:
I'm sorry that this thread seems to have taken a direction I never intended. I was truly just looking for some feedback on the best way to deal with the negative feedback about our relative certainty about having only one child--I tried to word my post in a way that did not invite advice on why having multiple children was superior. Of course, everyone is entitled to their opinion, unsolicited or otherwise :). Thanks to all of you who gave helpful advice, it's definitely given me some food for thought.

Torontomom, I am so sorry for your loss.

I am not taking personally the comments regarding why children "need" to have siblings, I am comfortable with the decision we've made at this time, and know we'll make the decisions that are best for our family as our life continues; however, I hope that those who feel that it's selfish to only have one child would remember that it's not so cut and dried, and not everyone's situation is similar. I tried not to get too serious in my OP and not to include too much personal info, but without knowing what we went through and for how long to get PG with DS, the health issues we've faced in the past and present (among a myriad of other issues that I won't even begin to delve into at the moment) and the effect that those things have had, I think it's unfair to apply generalizations to an issue like this one.

[sste]

Not an only child and probably having more than one child but this may be helpful.

MIL is a child development professor. She once told me that there has been TONS of research done on only children trying to establish the various claims you mention . . . and these claims have never been supported in the research.

I will say that for DH and I individually based on our two pretty intense personalities and the amount of financial and other resources we have to devote to an only child . . . we are leaning toward two kids because we are worried the dynamic in our particlar case will be unhealthy. But, when I look at my friends, other people I know who are less crazed than DH and myself, I don't see any "risk" of being an only child.

[wendmatt]

I tell people that we were only blessed with one child, they can take it how they like! DD is 7 so a bit further along the line than you are. DH likes to tell his family, one is good for population control, we don't want to leave too large a carbon footprint.
We can't improve on perfection.
We're happy with one.
Mind your own business!
I'm sure there are more and better responses but these are ones that we have used! Good luck, I know it's tough to answer those q's, (it was especially for me because I did actually want more, DH didn't.)

[KpbS]

We had a really rough first year w/ DS1. We were very sure he would be an only for a long time. Neither one of us had any qualms about it. We had been through a lot but of course, we couldn't be crazier about him. Fortunately not too many people asked us about other children, but we eventually were asking ourselves if we could imagine having another. We decided to bite the bullet and give it a shot.

You may truly be done with one, which of course is fine, but in the meantime you might be vague when people ask about additional children. I would say something like, we feel really fortunate to have the one we have, who knows what the future holds? and then change the subject. Let them draw their own conclusions.

[randomkid]

I can totally relate and, unfortunately, do not have a good answer for you. DD is my only, but DH's third. I was 39yo when I had DD and will be 45 this year. I usually start by telling people my age, but even that doesn't usually do it. Honestly, do people think I want to have another baby at my age? It's fine for some, but not for me. Really, it's nobody's business how many children you choose to have and/or why. I have found myself explaining my situation way too many times and it's very frustrating. I would have loved to have more than one, but my life just didn't work out that way. I never planned on marrying a man who was divorced with 2 children that we pay support for, having one move in with us, having my first child at 39.5yo and being incredibly sick for 33 of my 38.5 week pregnancy. I also opt to have one so I can work part time. If we had another, I would have to work full time. I have a multitude of reasons for only having DD, but I don't owe anyone an explanation and neither do you.

I say tell people that this is the decision that is best for your family and leave it at that. If they keep pushing, just repeat your answer that it is your decision and your choice. I have not found anything to shut people up. I never ask if someone is going to have another because people have many reasons for making the choices that they do. I once asked a co-worker if he and his wife would have another and he told me that they had tried and his wife had had several miscarriages. I have not asked anyone that question since. People really have no clue - so sorry you are dealing with this. I know how you feel.

[catroddick]

I am a full time WOHM, and get this question all the time, particularly now that she is reaching her 1st b-day.

I have had great success with explaining that I work full time, and already have such limited time with DD. If I had another one, I would have to split my already limited time between the two. And if number 2 was difficult, it would take even more time away from my DD. Generally people hush after that.

[lilycat88]

We were a 99.999% "one and done" family from the time we got married until DD was about 4. DH and I are both onlies and I was 35 when we had DD. I'm now pregnant with DC#2 at age 40.

As far as combating what others keep saying about onlies, I guess I never really felt I had to justify it. I guess since DH and I were onlies we were able to let the comments roll off of us. When we would occasionally get the comments about being "spoiled" or similar, we had learned to look people straight in the eye and ask if they really thought we were spoiled? :ROTFLMAO: Anyone who knew us knew the truth and didn't dare say anythng to us about only having one DC. We also found that most people "expected" us to either have only 1 DC or have a huge family because we hated being onlies so much. For the first 4ish years, we really felt our family was complete. We were very comfortable financially and were looking forward to DD growing older.

Why change of heart? Being onlies, we have extremely small families. No aunts and uncles for DD. It was the severe illness of DHs cousin (more a sibling than a cousin) to make us rethink our decision to have only one. His cousin is an only as well and both of her parents died when she was in high school. She had no signifigant other family either. While we aren't having another child strictly to provide DD with a sibling and we know that with the age difference, they might not be "close" (and there is no guarantee even if they were closer in age that they would be close), seeing DHs cousin have to rely on us as her primary caregivers with basically nobody else to count on, really had an impact on us. We have always surrounded DD with great family friends and she is growing up with a great network of people she (and we) can count on. But, so did DHs cousin. Unfortunately, when faced with caring for a person in the midst of a severe and potentially fatal illness, those folks faded away and she found herself basically alone in a city 5 hours from her nearest family...us. Seeing the hurt she went through during during that process caused us to examine our priorities and thought processes.

Honestly, I'm still STUNNED we're having another. So, while I used to be pi$$ed when folks would say "oh, you'll regret that" or some other such nonsense, I can honestly, and surprisingly, say that even a 99% sure can change.

As far as handling their comments more effectively, we found just not answering with a "we're only having one" answer was just easier sometimes. Even when close friends would ask about us having anther child, we would just hedge and say "we have no plans now...DDs just a baby". After a while, they just stopped saying anything. If we did say something definitive about only having one, people felt free to follow with comments or feel free to gush forth with their feelings about only children.

[Piglet]

We had a really rough first year w/ DS1. We were very sure he would be an only for a long time. Neither one of us had any qualms about it. We had been through a lot but of course, we couldn't be crazier about him. Fortunately not too many people asked us about other children, but we eventually were asking ourselves if we could imagine having another. We decided to bite the bullet and give it a shot.

You may truly be done with one, which of course is fine, but in the meantime you might be vague when people ask about additional children. I would say something like, we feel really fortunate to have the one we have, who knows what the future holds? and then change the subject. Let them draw their own conclusions.
:yeahthat:

I am an only and it was fine, but not my ideal as a kid. That having been said, having our first was a huge shock to our system and it took us many years to get PG with #2, so for a while we thought maybe 1 was the right number. My thought though is that it is best to just smile and nod and leave it open. I think that being adamant about having one is what sets people off. Then they start telling you that it is a bad decision. If you are vague it wards off the people that want to change your mind (as there is nothing to change since you haven't stated your preference). Sometimes being non-confrontational is the best approach. Plus, that way if you ever do change your mind, you won't get a bunch of "I told you so's".

[rlu]

I would say "we'll see" instead of making a definitive answer. We had been married nearly 8 years when DS was born, so we let people infer whatever they wanted.

If truly pushed I murmur "medical issues" (which is true but none of their d**m business) and that ends it.

[lalasmama]

I'm not "one and done", however, at this point, she is an only, and since she's almost 6, I have many people asking when the next one will be here.

I always try the "shrug and 'I don't know" approach first, but some people don't think that's an answer. If thats the case, I look them in the eye and let them know that it took 10 years to get her, so there's no reason I'm expecting another anytime soon. Most people will shut up and look embarrassed.

Often, just saying "its a medical issue for me" works wonders. And, truthfully, you aren't lying. If you are on hormonal birth control, have an IUD, etc., there is a "medical" reason you can't have a child ;-) They don't need to know *what* the medical reason is, or that it's a chosen "issue"!

One of the pp mentioned "You can't improve on perfection!" I like that line a lot too!

[traciann]

Dh is an only and he has a few quirks that I know are related to not having siblings. But I am a middle child and I have my own issues, so I guess no matter how many kids you have there is always going to be something.

[MontrealMum]

Presently DS is 2.5 and an only. I will turn 39 this spring, and DH is not sold on having another. Maybe we will, maybe we won't. Odds are more in favor of "won't" at this point, but really, this is quite personal KWIM? I am actually interested in one more, but am not interested AT ALL in justifying DS' only child status, or why we are not presently trying to anyone. It's none of their business. Whatever your reasons are, it's none of their business.

I find that with many of these things it's best to be very non-committal, as PP have mentioned, "we're happy with the one we have" "we are so blessed with our DS" etc. If someone presses, I don't usually bite. This can bring conversations to a grinding halt...or it can make for some awkward conversations at the very least, but really, that's their problem, not yours ;) You're not the one with foot-in-mouth :D I find that when you "explain" or "justify" things it just opens up more points for debate, and for that super-nosy, annoying person to continue to push their point home. Don't explain, and don't give them that opportunity.

We went through this with the "when are you going to get married?", and "when are you going to have kids?" prior to this, so I've just gotten tougher...and older.

FWIW, I am an only myself. Not my parents' first choice, but it's what they were dealt. After 9 years of marriage (and trying) they were lucky enough to adopt me (their words, not mine ;) ) Soon after my mom had a complete hysterectomy. Their ages, and having one already put them so far down on the adoption list that they worked on being happy with one.

They both have some pretty sharp words for people that badger about starting families, and family size. I hear alot about it lately because my cousin is has been struggling with infertility for the past few years (3 rounds of IVF, multiple miscarriages, and a husband that won't consider adoption)...her situation really makes my parents reminisce about what they went through.

I'm sure I have some quirks ;) but I also had quite a lot of opportunities that my friends did not have simply because my parents had only one child to focus their resources on. Like anything, there are always pros and cons. What's most important is that you and your DH are happy with your decision. Try not to worry about anyone else :)

[niccig]

. Like anything, there are always pros and cons. What's most important is that you and your DH are happy with your decision. Try not to worry about anyone else :)

:yeahthat: I'm with one of 3 and DH is one of 3 - trust me, we ALL have our issues. DH and I have our reasons why DS will be our only child, and we're happy with those reasons.

When people ask DS's age (5) and then ask if we're having anymore, I say very firmly "No, we're TOTALLY happy and our family is complete. We are done!". I must say it with such finality that no one says anything else. Prior to now, I would say "We're happy as we are and if that changes, then we'll have another. Who knows?" And then change the topic.

Family have never questioned us. I did have one friend how said 'I think you should have more kids and your DS would love to be a big brother" and my response was "well, it's not DS's decision to make, and nor is it your decision. DH and I will decide how many children we have." She has not said anything about it since...I mean, who the hell do you think you are to tell people how many kids they should have. Everyone has their own reasons and feelings on the issue.

If people press you, you can say "excuse me, but how is it any of your business how many children come from my uterus"? ELizabethKnott here has the vagina line too...."how is it your business what is going on in my vagina" ...mere mention of vagina or uterus should shut people up.

[ha98ed14]

I'm very much one and done. DD is 2 and 2/3, and I still feel the exact same way as the day she was born, "Thank God you are here safely, and I am still alive, and I am never doing that ever again." I am 100% sure I will never have a another baby exit my body. I am also a really loud person and can be quite in your face, so when I say, "I'm not doing that again! If you want me to have more kids then you have them!" they usually shut up. Get nasty about it and they will leave you alone. Like Nicci said, the words vagina and uterus are good names to drop.

[Cheburashka]

If people press you, you can say "excuse me, but how is it any of your business how many children come from my uterus"? ELizabethKnott here has the vagina line too...."how is it your business what is going on in my vagina" ...mere mention of vagina or uterus should shut people up.

Love this! Personally, I'd like to be a one and done, but my SO is telling everyone he wants to try for a boy. I get a lot of questions *already* about when we're going to have another, and for now I tell people that when he can have the baby, we'll try again. If Arnold can do it, anyone can do it! ... Then either people smile politely and I'm sure call me crazy behind my back, or remind me that Junior was just a movie. But it never comes up again.

[bluestarfish18]

I'm an only child and have mixed feelings on my upbringing. My parents were a little older than the average couple when I was born (mom was 40 and dad was 44). On one hand, I always felt bored with no one else to play with, and I really wish I had someone else to share my experiences with. On the flip side, my loneliness caused me to be very creative (make believe siblings). In the end, I'm glad I don't have any siblings, but I have adopted my cousin as a god-sister. I don't think of myself as the stereotypical only child syndrome. Although I was definately spoiled, I've also learned compassion and to share as much as I can with others.

Funny that as a kid, I always envisioned myself as having a huge family, like The Family Stone. But I think I'm good with 2.

[amldaley]

We thought we were "one and done" but are now trying to figure out financially and timing wise how we could have #2. That said, if it doesn't work out, we are happy with our little family and would feel no sense of loss or regret.

While I think you have some good suggestions here, what I do is size up the person asking me and gauge my reply. I either say, "We'll see" or "We don't know". When they launch in to their spiel, I simply say, "We have some special issues to consider", look serious and nod a little. (I personally do a little thing with my eyes, tilt my head to the side, and nod with a little half smile that makes the other person think I am sharing special info with them just by telling them that!) That usually gives them the sign that you are not willing to say more.

When we did think we were only having one, I would just say, "Nope! This is it!" in a very cheerful, forceful, and bright way. I said it like I was delirously happy and if they asked more, they might be subjected to a dissertation on how fabulous my kid is. I did not share my reasons why and I said it in such a way as to not invite further questions.

The other thing to consider is that people, in general, are stupid.

We say stupid things. "When are you due?" "Wow...big baby!" "You're due in the summer? You picked the hottest time of year to have a baby."

Just like saying to a very tall man, "I bet your great at basketball." It has to be one of the stupidest things people say.

At some point, I just learned to stop listening. I got very upset when random people said my baby was chubby (I have a weight issue myself). She wasn't chubby. She was 15th percentile for weight. A thread here on BBB helped me learn to just let it go and get over it.

People say stuff. They don't think about what it will mean to YOU when they say it. They just say it to have something to say.

You just have to maintain what it right for you and your relationship with each person that is asking. I gave my mom the straight scoop. I gave random relatives a little less info. Or, sometimes, I would just make stuff up. One time, in the grocery store, I launched in to some malarky about our current socio-economic climate and the ramifications of over-population. What I said barely made sense to me and made no sense to the other person...left her dazed and confused. She likely thought I was a snotty academic (I live in a small town with 2 stoplights and lots of people who did not graduat high school).

Best of luck to you in however you choose to approach it.

[TwinFoxes]

I'm two and done :) But we waited a long time to have our little ones, so got a lot of "when are you going to have babies?" questions. We didn't plan on having any. If I said that, and got nosy comments, I pretty much told them it was none of their business. But I'm just that way. And it really didn't happen that often. Most of the time I just said "we'll see". Again, if that didn't work, I just told them it was none of their business. I've discovered that people who are nosy must be used to people telling them to butt out, because there were no bad feelings.

If you do decide to have another, you'll be happy to know only one person said "I told you you'd change your mind" and that was my brother's wife...and well, she's just that way.

[mommylamb]

I think I would respond differently if it was the first time someone asked me about it, vs someone that continually pestered. For someone that asks multiple times, I think I would say "I know you mean well, but I'm starting to get offended that you keep questioning my decisions." But then again, I'm pretty upfront about things.

DS is an only at the moment. We hope to eventually have a second, but I don't know when that will be.

[Moneypenny]

DD is an only. We always figured she'd be an only, and now that she's 5.5 we are still sure she'll be an only and we are completely happy and confident that we are making the right decision for our family.

We are frequently told how awful we are being to have only one child. When people really press, I have taken to being kind of rude by saying that having a sibling obviously didn't help them at all in the manners department. That usually quiets them up pretty quickly.

[MamaMolly]

We are frequently told how awful we are being to have only one child. When people really press, I have taken to being kind of rude by saying that having a sibling obviously didn't help them at all in the manners department. That usually quiets them up pretty quickly.

:ROTFLMAO: I love this! You and Nicci have it right on the button for me!

I always knew I wanted 2, but because of fertility and money issues for a long time it looked like DD would be an only. So not only did I have to come to terms with my own feelings about it, I had to battle the nosey people. Friends and family knew what was going on and were either supportive or silent, but to the nosey strangers I usually said something snotty like 'we got it right the first time'.

Listen, no matter if you have 1 or 21 somebody is going to have something negative to say about it. Like a lot of your parenting decisions, you are going to have to do what is right for *your* family and push the negativity aside. Arm yourself with a few witty comebacks and put the Noseys in their place!

[lablover]

When people really press, I have taken to being kind of rude by saying that having a sibling obviously didn't help them at all in the manners department. That usually quiets them up pretty quickly.

That's a good one!!

[karstmama]

When people really press, I have taken to being kind of rude by saying that having a sibling obviously didn't help them at all in the manners department. That usually quiets them up pretty quickly.

love that!:applause:

jameson spent 7 1/2 months in the nicu, so i tell people i'm not doing that again. and i'm 41, so i tell people that. after those bits, i get less nice.

gonna put the quote above in my 'nosy parker' toolbox!

[Cheburashka]

Listen, no matter if you have 1 or 21 somebody is going to have something negative to say about it. Like a lot of your parenting decisions, you are going to have to do what is right for *your* family and push the negativity aside. Arm yourself with a few witty comebacks and put the Noseys in their place!

This. My SO is the eldest of 5, and he told me that people used to ask if his parents were Catholic. One of his favorite comedians did a short bit about that, so he stole his retort from the bit - "no, they just really liked sex". Much like mentioning your vagina or uterus, mentioning parental sex habits seems to be another good way to shut people up.

I love all these responses, lot of witty women popping in here!

[Dream]

DD is 16 months now and a handful. Her eczema and allergies are hard on everyone. Since she was born I haven't had 4 hours of sleep at a stretch. We sometimes joke around saying she's more than enough for us. I know having another is going to be very hard on us but deep in our heart and mind we don't want her to be an only child. We want her to have a sibling, thinking long term we don't want her to be alone in this world. We believe when we're not there anymore she needs someone to fall back on, help and support her. We definitely want another baby.

[elizabethkott]

Like Niccig said, I'm all for shouting VAGINA!!!!! and running away.
I would honestly have a really difficult time being polite to people who ask me such a personal question, and then press the issue. I had a hard time while we were TTC this one when people would nosily ask me, "when are you going to have another" and I would answer, "None of your G-Damn business!" and that would usually shut them up. Except for the obnoxious secretary in the attendance office who would ask me every week or so, and I would modify to "It's still none of your G-Damn, business, Gert." And she's just dumb.
I would probably start saying things like, "Why would you ask something like that?" "Why is the state of my vagina important to you?" "What makes you think it's acceptable for you to pass judgement on my family's decision?" Until I got to a point where I would just start being really nasty. :D
But I'm a b!tch that way.
:icon_twisted:

[lizzywednesday]

I love being the oldest of 4 and love my sibs dearly with all my heart. I couldn't imagine my life without them. Even the briefest times when we don't speak to each other hurts. They also make me thankful that I have people in this world who understand our shared experience the way I do.

That said, I must say that I am revising my opinion of onlies!

One of my dearest and greatest friends is an only. She's an 11-year breast cancer survivor who gives of herself to walk in 9 breast cancer 2-day walks around the USA, in between caring for her 90+ year-old mother and doting on her adorable grandchildren, darling doggies and devoted husband & children.

The gift of her friendship has been one of the biggest reasons I'm starting to change my opinion of what happens to someone as an only child. It's part nature, part nurture ... and seeing that my friend has turned out just fine gives me hope that it's not a fated-and-foregone conclusion that all onlies will live up to stereotypes.

[ThreeofUs]

We had a really rough first year w/ DS1. We were very sure he would be an only for a long time. Neither one of us had any qualms about it. We had been through a lot but of course, we couldn't be crazier about him. Fortunately not too many people asked us about other children, but we eventually were asking ourselves if we could imagine having another. We decided to bite the bullet and give it a shot.

You may truly be done with one, which of course is fine, but in the meantime you might be vague when people ask about additional children. I would say something like, we feel really fortunate to have the one we have, who knows what the future holds? and then change the subject. Let them draw their own conclusions.


:yeahthat: I could have written this post.

We were done. Done. But then things got easier and we decided we weren't so done after all.

Who knows where you might be emotionally in 5 or 10 years, right? Just let the comments roll off your back and talk about bean dip.

[mominmarch]

We are done with one and I am 40.5, my husband is 45.5. We are asked this all the time, and it drives me batty. Both my husband and I came from families with 4 kids and while we loved our families, I grew up wanting less... so I can understand how onlies say that they might have wanted a sibling growing up. I find that with most people looking back on childhood, you wanted something you couldn't have (dogs, more pets, less siblings, etc.). It is just how life is for children... it is safe and fun to explore wanting something that you had no control over getting.

While I always envisioned a big family for us, getting pregnant was very hard for us and the years have passed by quickly. While I won't begrudge anyone else's decisions, my risk factors are too high to go down this road again, especially while we are 2 parents that work outside of the home and have limited time with DD as it is.

My remark to people when they ask "when are you going to get pregnant again" is simply "we can't have any more children". I don't elaborate. If they ask a followup question, I just look at them horrified and blankly. It doesn't happen with repeat offenders, repeatedly. It is no one's business but your own.

[boolady]

I love being the oldest of 4 and love my sibs dearly with all my heart. I couldn't imagine my life without them. Even the briefest times when we don't speak to each other hurts. They also make me thankful that I have people in this world who understand our shared experience the way I do.

That said, I must say that I am revising my opinion of onlies!

One of my dearest and greatest friends is an only. She's an 11-year breast cancer survivor who gives of herself to walk in 9 breast cancer 2-day walks around the USA, in between caring for her 90+ year-old mother and doting on her adorable grandchildren, darling doggies and devoted husband & children.

The gift of her friendship has been one of the biggest reasons I'm starting to change my opinion of what happens to someone as an only child. It's part nature, part nurture ... and seeing that my friend has turned out just fine gives me hope that it's not a fated-and-foregone conclusion that all onlies will live up to stereotypes.

I am curious what stereotypes you had that would have prevented your friend who was an only from being a devoted mother and wife and loving family member? I'm not sure if we'll have another child or not, but my concerns about having an only child have nothing to do with her ability to give to others, I have concerns about her feeling alone.

That said, while you are obviously very close to your siblings (as I am to my 2 sisters), that's not always the case. For both my mom and my DH, relationships with siblings can be very stressful things, and can involve a lot of guilt (if you were made to believe, growing up, that siblings are always best friends, as DH was). I worry a lot about issues that will probably arise when my FIL passes away between DH and his brother, just because they are so different and seem to grow more different and less close all of the time. My husband has tremendous guilt about not being closer, but my BIL doesn't seem to care. Sibling relationships can be just as complicated as any other relationship.

[MelissaTC]

It is unbelievable to me, the way people just think they can poke their noses into other people's lives. We are obviously waiting (seems like forever) for our adoption referral. I still get asked "don't you want another one of your own?" and so on. UGH. So far, DS has turned out just fine. We spend a lot of time together as a family and make sure that he is in sports and other activities so he can socialize and make friends. He feels comfortable around kids and adults. We think he is just fine and if for some reason the adoption falls through, he will be ok as an only. And so will we. :)

[lizzywednesday]

I am curious what stereotypes you had that would have prevented your friend who was an only from being a devoted mother and wife and loving family member? I'm not sure if we'll have another child or not, but my concerns about having an only child have nothing to do with her ability to give to others, I have concerns about her feeling alone.

One of my friends growing up was an only. She lived up to the selfish, self-centered, egotistical stereotype and was very immature.

I don't know that sibs would have changed her, but it was frustrating to me as a kid to have to encounter somone who seemed so oblivious to a lot of the consequences I faced on a daily basis.

This experience has been a lot of what shaped my opinion of onlies, and I've often said hurtful things about them in general like "only children are messed up in the head" which is really unfair to a lot of families!

I am happy and thankful to be proven wrong.

One of the things my cancer-survivor friend has learned to do is to create family for herself ... she has dear friends who have become her family in much the same way an "ideal" family would be.


That said, while you are obviously very close to your siblings (as I am to my 2 sisters), that's not always the case. For both my mom and my DH, relationships with siblings can be very stressful things, and can involve a lot of guilt (if you were made to believe, growing up, that siblings are always best friends, as DH was). I worry a lot about issues that will probably arise when my FIL passes away between DH and his brother, just because they are so different and seem to grow more different and less close all of the time. My husband has tremendous guilt about not being closer, but my BIL doesn't seem to care. Sibling relationships can be just as complicated as any other relationship.

Oh, I agree I am very fortunate about my sibs. As we all get older, we're starting to appreciate different things about each other and that's made us closer. It's especially rewarding to grow closer to my sister, who's the youngest, because she's a new mom and I'm excited (and nervous) about my own upcoming new-mom-hood. It helps to have someone who's BTDT.

We never believed that we had to be "besties" with our other sibs; it just kind of worked out that we became closer as we hit different life milestones - high school, college, marriage, babies, etc. Also, I attribute a lot of our closeness to being caught in the crossfire of a very mean and nasty divorce, when we didn't have anybody but each other to rely on and almost all of our outside friends ditched us for one or another reason. It could certainly have become an experience that tore us apart, so we are very fortunate to have realized we're worth taking the time with each other.

I have also seen it pan out differently ... my step-sibs (who are all older than me; I think the youngest is 6 years older than I am) were devastated and crushed by their mom's (sudden) death almost 4 years ago. Settling her estate was horrifying for them and brought up a lot of old resentments that, in many ways, are still there to this day. I hurt for them because I like them all so much!

[DietCokeLover]

First, let me say that I did not read all the replies.

I am an only child. It's not as bad as people make it sound. There were certainly times I longed for a sibling, and other times when I could have cared less.
My parents did a great job of keeping me involved in activities that had me with peers. They also allowed me to bring a friend along on family trips so that I had someone to be with. I've always appreciated that about them.

The times that it mostly bothered me that I was an "only" was more as I became an adult. I was single til I was 32 and the idea of my aging parents being my sole responsibility was hard for me. Now that I have DH it doesn't seem so bad - I don't feel alone in decision making processes.

My mom has told me that she got asked alot about their decision to have one child and even felt looked down upon it. She always said that she felt like she was a "one child mommy" and that she felt exceptionally blessed to have me. Children are a gift from God no matter how many there are.

ETA: as far as onlies being selfish and unable to share, etc - I don't think that is the case. Your children can be grounded in manners and respect for others if there is one of them or 20 of them. I would say that yes, maybe I received more since there was just one of me, but I would never have said that I was selfish, or over indulged. I just don't think that is a characteristic of who I am. - I guess you can ask Melaine if that's really the case - she knows me IRL. :)

[lchang25000]

I did not read all the replies either, but this is how I feel. I would be content to have just DS, but deep inside, I'd like him to have a little brother or sister eventually to play with and grow up together. I just have my hands full with him right now and cannot imagine having another one for the next year or so at least.

[AnnieW625]

We had a really rough first year w/ DS1. We were very sure he would be an only for a long time. Neither one of us had any qualms about it. We had been through a lot but of course, we couldn't be crazier about him. Fortunately not too many people asked us about other children, but we eventually were asking ourselves if we could imagine having another. We decided to bite the bullet and give it a shot.

You may truly be done with one, which of course is fine, but in the meantime you might be vague when people ask about additional children. I would say something like, we feel really fortunate to have the one we have, who knows what the future holds? and then change the subject. Let them draw their own conclusions.

That was us too. I had a very odd labor and therefore it took me a very long time to realize that I wanted to have another child. We just soo happy with DD and I could've seen her being an only. Childbirth made wanting to have another child even more scary or less likely for a long time. Our children will be more than 2 yrs. apart for that reason and that reason alone. DD was over 2 before we decided okay let's try. After we lost the baby last spring we were even more okay with just an only for the time being with no time limit on when to start trying (my brother and sister are 7 yrs. apart and get along great!), but got lazy one afternoon and here I am now waiting for a healthy baby. I too was lucky to have people who didn't ask too many questions or where I felt I had to get defensive about why I wasn't pregnant with a second child yet. Just sending you lots of hugs and if you are comfortable saying "we are done" then just go with that, and leave it at that.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I thought I was done. We planned for 2 but after ds1 was born I really loved our little family of 3. Really loved it. I just told people that 3 was right for us. I admit that posts here made me feel guilty at times about my choice with all the arguments about how it's not fair to leave your kids all alone if you die or how it's just a good thing for them to have siblings. That did eat at me but I really knew I was making the right choice for my family.

But, shortly after ds1 turned 4 I got bit by a huge case of the baby bug! It came out of no where. I tried to wait it out. After 6 months it still hadn't gone away and I decided to have my copper IUD taken out and TTC. 2 months later I was pregnant with ds2.

I really can understand wanting just one. For 4 years I felt the same way! I have no idea why I changed my mind but I did and I am really glad that I had the option to act on it. I say give yourself an out because you never know if you might change your mind.

Beth

[cindys]

Well, my oldest son was an "only" until he was about 15 and he hated it...I was divorced and had no intentions of anymore even if I re-married because it had been hard being on my own raising a little boy and working full time.

He and I were by ourselves and he always wished for siblings..He used to love going to visit my sister and her family (she has 4 children)...Whenever we would leave there he would always say "I guess its back to me being all alone".

He was invloved in alot of activities..Football, basketball and baseball and had lots of friends but for him it just wasnt the same as having a sibling...He always used to tell me he would never be an Uncle.

I re-married when Z was 10 and when he was 14 found out he was going to have a sibling he was over the moon.He went to the baby showers, helped put together furniture and was the first one to see the baby other than myself and DH..

He loves his baby brother immensely and when we had another baby last year he was just as excited...

Yes, there is a big difference between him and his brothers but he is so in love with them and they with him..The 3 1/2 yr old follows his big brother everwhere and talks about him all the time.

Z is now in college but has pictures of him and his little brothers all over the apartment.

Z told me the last time we visited that he now feels like he has a real family..He doesnt feel so all alone..

FYI...Z's Dad never had any other children either.

I am sure had I never had any more children Z would have been fine but it brings me peace to know that if anything happened to myself or DH that my boys would always have each other.

Just my take on our family..

[Fairy]

Also have not read all the replies.

I'm an only child, DS is going to be an only child. It is absolutely no one's business to tell you that your decision to have an only child is wrong. You should not have to justify it. I used to justify it and say it was a long road to get him and that I was so sick afterward and blah blah blah, but the fact is that some people want only one. There is nothing wrong with being an only child. We have our strengths due to being onllies just as there are strenghs you get by having sibs. I begged for a sibling till I went to college, but now I see how hurtful that probably was to my parents. I've said this so often on this board, so I'll digress, here, but just know that re-thinking your position on wanting to stay a one-child family is somethign you should do because it emanates from YOU and your relationship with your DH and DC, and not because other people plant the seed in you that you're doing the wrong thing.

[MontrealMum]

as far as onlies being selfish and unable to share, etc - I don't think that is the case. Your children can be grounded in manners and respect for others if there is one of them or 20 of them. I would say that yes, maybe I received more since there was just one of me, but I would never have said that I was selfish, or over indulged.

:yeahthat: Like I said, there are pros and cons to any size family. But the idea that onlies are inherently selfish simply due to the fact that they are onlies is ridiculous. I know many adult only children who are kind, giving, selfless, gracious and respectful. I know many adult children with multiple sibling who don't have those characteristics. To the OP, you're the parents, you decide how you're going to raise your child and don't worry about small-minded people.

[gatorsmom]

You know, I get this from the opposite end of the spectrum. We have 4. I would really like to keep it that way, but we are not 100% certain we are done. But I often get, "you are done, aren't you?" And then come all the arguments AGAINST having a big family. Apparently, society just needs a reason to badger parents.

I've found that it's just easier to be vague. A very simple, "we just don't know yet" followed by a "could you pass the bean dip, " is VERY EFFECTIVE. And if the nosy party refuses to let the subject go, I just listen and smile while inwardly groaning while saying things like, "I see and oh, how interesting." Enough of those comments and the other party gets bored and changes the subject.

[Melaine]

ETA: as far as onlies being selfish and unable to share, etc - I don't think that is the case. Your children can be grounded in manners and respect for others if there is one of them or 20 of them. I would say that yes, maybe I received more since there was just one of me, but I would never have said that I was selfish, or over indulged. I just don't think that is a characteristic of who I am. - I guess you can ask Melaine if that's really the case - she knows me IRL. :)

Definitely not selfish, self-centered or any other negative trait that I can think of! :waving4: Quite the opposite, very sweet and compassionate and an excellent friend whose one fault is that she lives too far away.....:hug:

I definitely know quite a collection of totally considerate and well-adjusted adults who didn't have siblings. And obviously there are tons of people WITH siblings that can be selfish, etc. So this argument is not valid, IMO...
I agree with pps about giving a very non-committal answer and changing the subject. People are nosy and can be obnoxious.

On the other hand, I have very dear friends with adult age children who have told me very sincerely that they truly regret NOT having more children (they have 2). They weren't being pushy or making blanket statements about all families but I do think about their perspective and the genuine way they shared it. Other people may be trying to convey similar sentiments but have no people skills to use in doing so, which is a shame.

I only had one pregnancy and I might be done at that, not sure yet. I often wonder how I would feel if I had had a single child.....

ETA: Agreeing with Gatorsmom, as one of 4 growing up we often got very negative responses as well. People would say unthinkably rude things about our "large" family (I use quotes because I don't really think 4 is that large). Some people are just socially inept and have no idea how to behave in public. Whether you are an only child, oldest child, youngest child or middle child doesn't much matter if yo' mama didn't teach you no manners, ykwim?

[lizzywednesday]

...

ETA: Agreeing with Gatorsmom, as one of 4 growing up we often got very negative responses as well. People would say unthinkably rude things about our "large" family (I use quotes because I don't really think 4 is that large). Some people are just socially inept and have no idea how to behave in public. Whether you are an only child, oldest child, youngest child or middle child doesn't much matter if yo' mama didn't teach you no manners, ykwim?

LOL ... yeah, someone telling me my family with 4 kids was "large" always made me laugh. My mom's the eldest of 7 and one of my good friends is the eldest of 8 ... and my youngest cousins are a family with 5 kids.

I'm socially inept, but love that families come in all shapes & sizes. It makes the world more interesting!

[jk3]

It's a family choice. While it might be right for you to have one, it might not be right for your child. As an only child, we knew our family would not be complete with one and I went through lots of trials (hell and back!) to have additional children but there is no way I would have only one. Siblings enrich a child's experience - in good ways and not so good. They are what's missing in my life + my friends who are only children too.

[niccig]

It's a family choice. While it might be right for you to have one, it might not be right for your child.

This is very hurtful to the families that can not have more than one child. So their infertility is ruining their child's life. Friends have struggled with having DC#2, they have had multiple rounds of IVF and they don't know if they can do anymore...nice thought for them to live with that their failure to conceive another child will mean their child will always have something "missing"...

[SnuggleBuggles]

It's a family choice. While it might be right for you to have one, it might not be right for your child. As an only child, we knew our family would not be complete with one and I went through lots of trials (hell and back!) to have additional children but there is no way I would have only one. Siblings enrich a child's experience - in good ways and not so good. They are what's missing in my life + my friends who are only children too.

I have to agree with niccig. I referred earlier to guilt from posters on here back when I only had one. It really doesn't help and it makes a tough decision even harder.

No one wants to screw up their kids but for some families, for a variety of reasons (physical, financial, emotional...), one is the perfect number and they make it work. Parents should provide love, support, comfort, basic needs...that's the job of a parent- not providing a sibling. Sometimes siblings aren't a good thing either. I know someone who was abused by her brother and she wishes she never had a brother. We need to make the best of our family and love it however it is.

I do see how my kids lives are enriched from having each other but I also think my ds1 would have turned out well if we had stopped after him. I am sure there'd be times he felt lonely and wish he had a sibling, especially as we all got older. But, I would hope he'd still overall be happy.

Beth

[niccig]

I will also add that the OP was not asking people's opinion of only children or whether other posters are having an only child or not and their reasons for that decision. She was specifically asking how to tell nosey parkers that insist on telling her that her only child will be screwed up, to go mind their own business. Here's the quote from her OP


So, if you're "one and done", have you found an effective way to shut people up when they try to tell you that it's the wrong decision? I can't imagine having the gall to think that I'm in a better position to plan someone else's family than they are, but apparently that's not a universal way of thinking :).

Instead of giving her suggestions on how to deal with the rude comments, some posters here gave her more judgemental comments. You want more than one child and have your reasons, FINE, but the OP has made her decision and that is FINE too. If you have an idea for how she can deal with the rude comments, then let her know. If you're just going to tell her that her decision is wrong, then don't post. She's not asking for your opinion on her family.

[lizzywednesday]

It is unbelievable to me, the way people just think they can poke their noses into other people's lives. We are obviously waiting (seems like forever) for our adoption referral. I still get asked "don't you want another one of your own?" and so on. UGH. So far, DS has turned out just fine. We spend a lot of time together as a family and make sure that he is in sports and other activities so he can socialize and make friends. He feels comfortable around kids and adults. We think he is just fine and if for some reason the adoption falls through, he will be ok as an only. And so will we. :)

What makes an adopted son or daughter any less "your own" ? You still love that kid, stay up late when they're sick or have nightmares and do all the other things you'd do with a biological child, so where the heck are people coming from on THAT?

I wonder if my initial question would be enough to stall out their judgment so you could change the subject.

(I am not adopted, but had considered creating a family through adoption long before meeting my DH and deciding to have a biological child. But that strikes me as beyond rude and definitely ignorant, calling a child you love not "your own" because someone else birthed him or her.)

[MelissaTC]

(I am not adopted, but had considered creating a family through adoption long before meeting my DH and deciding to have a biological child. But that strikes me as beyond rude and definitely ignorant, calling a child you love not "your own" because someone else birthed him or her.)

I totally agree. I've had to give them the blank stare and walk away. She will be mine forever. No one''s ignorance can change that. :)

[jenfromnj]

Thanks all for your replies! I think that being more vague is probably a good idea--I know to never say never, anyway, but there are so many things that contribute to us being done, I'd probably bet on it, ha ha.

And ITA with those who said that the whole "selfish only child" stereotype isn't fair. My SIL (DH's sister) is one of the absolute most selfish and self-centered people I've ever met, and she's not an only child, of course. In fact, DH's relationship with his sister is one of the things that made us feel more strongly that having a sibling for our child would not necessarily give him a friend/confidant/person to share in his grief when we eventually are gone, and generally might not automatically be an advantage. Likewise, one of my closest friends is an only child and is one of the least self-centered people I know, and doesn't fit the only child stereotype at all.

We fully intend to do everything we can to ensure that DS is a loving, giving, well-rounded and thoughtful person, and not think that the world revolves around him. I have siblings that I adore, but I am hopeful that DS's cousins, friends and others will enable him to have those kind of relationships despite not having a sibling.

[gatorsmom]

It is unbelievable to me, the way people just think they can poke their noses into other people's lives. We are obviously waiting (seems like forever) for our adoption referral. I still get asked "don't you want another one of your own?" and so on.

This shocks me. I was adopted at birth by a loving family. And now my brother and his wife (who had to have a hysterectomy young due to cervical cancer) are trying to adopt. Now typically, I avoid conflict like crazy. Very, very rarely do I call someone out on an insensitive comment made in polite conversation. But I can honestly say, if someone said that to my brother or SIL and I was within earshot, heads would roll. I would probably need to be restrained. And, I can say with certainty that that person would never say that again to anyone else.

How can people be so unthinking and so insensitive?

[hbridge]

I understand everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but realize that you may be causing another pain by making these statements...

To OP, you don't have to make excuses or give reasons. Just love your child and be good to yourself, the rest doesn't matter.

[ShanaMama]

People say stuff. They don't think about what it will mean to YOU when they say it. They just say it to have something to say.


Completely OT, but this is so true. I love how you put it.


When people really press, I have taken to being kind of rude by saying that having a sibling obviously didn't help them at all in the manners department. That usually quiets them up pretty quickly.

:hysterical: OP, try this one! You surely won't be asked again!

[ha98ed14]

I will also add that the OP was not asking people's opinion of only children or whether other posters are having an only child or not and their reasons for that decision. She was specifically asking how to tell nosey parkers that insist on telling her that her only child will be screwed up, to go mind their own business. Here's the quote from her OP



Instead of giving her suggestions on how to deal with the rude comments, some posters here gave her more judgemental comments. You want more than one child and have your reasons, FINE, but the OP has made her decision and that is FINE too. If you have an idea for how she can deal with the rude comments, then let her know. If you're just going to tell her that her decision is wrong, then don't post. She's not asking for your opinion on her family.

:bighand:

Those who think having an only child means their children will be lacking for something will butt heads against those who think having a lot of children means parents have less time to give to each child individually. So if you are one of 3 or 4 or 5 and you get less one-on-one with your parents, you are lacking something too. There are benefits and drawbacks to both. You do the best you can with what you have.

Personally, I like my life with one DC. It's quite manageable. I'm choosing not to have another primarily because it conflicts with a medication I must take to stay well. In that way it is an easy decision. But I also choose to claim some space in my life for myself. Maybe I am selfish for only having one, but I think it is okay to be selfish. It's my life too.

[Fairy]

It's a family choice. While it might be right for you to have one, it might not be right for your child. As an only child, we knew our family would not be complete with one and I went through lots of trials (hell and back!) to have additional children but there is no way I would have only one. Siblings enrich a child's experience - in good ways and not so good. They are what's missing in my life + my friends who are only children too.

While other posters have since addressed this, I couldn't just sit by and not reply, as well. I am sure you were not trying to be insensitive, but as other posters have said, it is incredibly hurtful to be told that your only child is going to be missing something vital in their lives. You absolutely do not know us, and you have absolutely no visibility into our family dynamics to make such a judgment. You had 2ndary infertility, and you addressed it and had another baby. Good for you. What about folks without a uterus? Are they doign the wrong thing if they don't go go a surrogate or adopt? What do you propose poorer families do, bankrupt themselves into oblivion so that they can ensure their child has a sibling? Am I saddling my child with a great big plate of sad if I choose to not have another child at age 40? We do not have to justify why we are not having 2nd babies. However, for those that cannot yet want it and yearn for it, this kind of statement is devastating. And to say it's a "family" decision? Since when? Having a child is between me and my husband and no one else. Again, I don't think you said any of these things to hurt us. But remember when you went thru your infertility? That emptiness and hopelessness and hurt? Yeah.

[sste]

Oh my goodness, those who think that the child is missing out on a sibling should meet my siblings! One is mentally handicapped and VIOLENT and the other has struggled (with some success) with very significant emotional and financial issues. I love them - - but I can count on one hand the times either have helped me out even in times of crisis. I have no expectation that if I fell terminally ill tomorrow they would do much of anything and in fact this is one of the reasons I am such a dedicated saver. That and the fact that I will be responsible for at least one if not both of them when my parents die.

[torontomom]

It's a family choice. While it might be right for you to have one, it might not be right for your child. As an only child, we knew our family would not be complete with one and I went through lots of trials (hell and back!) to have additional children but there is no way I would have only one. Siblings enrich a child's experience - in good ways and not so good. They are what's missing in my life + my friends who are only children too.

Removed for privacy

[mominmarch]

As I said earlier, I am absolutely fine with my decision to have one and only, and I pray for strength and courage for others (maybe OP) that made that decision too, to not spend years second guessing themselves. My siblings (3) and my husband's 3 siblings are some of the most selfish people that I have ever met, so I don't worry for one minute that my only child DD will be selfish. And as the 3rd of 4, I have not one single memory of my mother EVER reading a book to me (though she didn't work outside the home and was completely devoted to her children). I love my siblings, they are my great friends, and I hope their children as cousins to my daughter will always be her friends as well. But as a product of 4, I have no hesitation at all in my decision to have one child. She will always know that I love being a mother to just her, something that I never knew from my own mother. Again, I don't begrudge other parents for having a lot of children, but I know for a fact that this decision is best for my child, not just me.

[emily_gracesmama]

Ditto, love my brother but HATE how he is making my parents miserable by refusing to get a job, mooching off them and blaming them for his lack of success, when he is not putting himself out there at all to try to get a job. Now mind you he's been out of college for almost five years and barely worked at all, completely for lack of trying to even get a job. My parents refuse to kick his a** out and make him grow up. Siblings, can be good can be bad, it's your choice, your family and you do what's right for you!

[cdlamis]

My 4 year old DD died of cancer 18 months ago. My 3 year old is now going to grow up without a living sibling.

Wow- I am so sorry for your loss! I cannot imagine the pain you went through (and are still feeling) and am sorry that you deal with other's insensitivities. Hugs.

[Fairy]

Torontomom :hug:

[Clarity]

My 4 year old DD died of cancer 18 months ago. My 3 year old is now going to grow up without a living sibling. This was NOT my family's choice. And any stranger that doesn't know about our DD and that makes comments to us about how selfish we are to have only one child will hear the entire story about why we only have 1 living child and maybe that will prevent them from opening their big mouths and saying something hurtful to someone else.


Torontomom, I hope that you never have to experience the situation that you describe. It is simply rude for friends or strangers to pass judgement and offer opinions on the size of someone's family. :grouphug: to you, you're in my thoughts.

[boolady]

My 4 year old DD died of cancer 18 months ago. My 3 year old is now going to grow up without a living sibling. This was NOT my family's choice. And any stranger that doesn't know about our DD and that makes comments to us about how selfish we are to have only one child will hear the entire story about why we only have 1 living child and maybe that will prevent them from opening their big mouths and saying something hurtful to someone else.

I am so sorry. Hugs. I have a very dear friend who lost a child under similar circumstances, and I think if I heard someone passing judgment on their only having one child, I would lose it.

[squimp]

I understand everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but realize that you may be causing another pain by making these statements...

To OP, you don't have to make excuses or give reasons. Just love your child and be good to yourself, the rest doesn't matter.

I meant to post last night, but just wanted to send you big hugs. Those words stung me last night as well, as a devoted mom of one.

Seems like there are all sorts of reasons our kids might have something "missing from their lives". And we moms get the guilt. We WOTH, we don't work, we are poor, we spoil our kids, we are too hard on our kids, we get divorced, we have too few kids, we have too many kids, we get divorced, we don't get divorced, we go through hell, we choose not to put ourselves and our families through hell, and on and on. I choose to believe that most of us are doing the very best we can, most of the time.

One of the biggest lessons in parenting comes early and often. Be true to yourself and don't suffer the idiots.

[bluestar2]

Well, my oldest son was an "only" until he was about 15 and he hated it...
.
.
I am sure had I never had any more children Z would have been fine but it brings me peace to know that if anything happened to myself or DH that my boys would always have each other.

Just my take on our family..

That was really touching. Thanks for sharing. :grouphug:

[sste]

In fairness to the poster who wrote about the value of siblings, I think this could be an instance of a post being interpreted more harshly than it was intended. I don't think she meant to say it is never fine with the child to be an only child - - I re-read and she said it "may" not be right for your child to be an only child. I am pretty confident no one here would have intentionally directed that sentiment at the poster who described the recent, devastating loss of her daughter. I am so sorry to hear of that loss.

[alien_host]

I haven't read all the responses. I'm pretty sure DD will be an only. She's almost 5 and I too am tired of the comments but I have to say they aren't as often know that she is older.

It really rubs me the wrong way when people (general people) say a child needs siblings. I see plenty of families with adult children and the children don't have a relationship with each other or don't get a long. There is no way to predict how it will go.

In some cases, with aging parents, the other siblings are useless so you might as well be an only and not have the regret that you have a sibling who is unwilling to help etc. Really it can go both ways.

In our situation, DD has cousins very close in age who live close by. We see them all the time and they are like siblings to her so I don't think she is necessarily missing out.

Parenthood has enough guilt associated with it, why does this have to another one put on parents? Just my 2 cents.

[MelissaTC]

In fairness to the poster who wrote about the value of siblings, I think this could be an instance of a post being interpreted more harshly than it was intended. I don't think she meant to say it is never fine with the child to be an only child - - I re-read and she said it "may" not be right for your child to be an only child. I am pretty confident no one here would have intentionally directed that sentiment at the poster who described the recent, devastating loss of her daughter. I am so sorry to hear of that loss.

I agree. Knowing the poster, I can't imagine that she intended for her words to be hurtful to anyone here.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I agree. Knowing the poster, I can't imagine that she intended for her words to be hurtful to anyone here.

You're right. I know I reacted a bit more than probably necessary and that is my own baggage. I don't think she meant it to be hurtful.

Beth

[jk3]

This is very hurtful to the families that can not have more than one child. So their infertility is ruining their child's life. Friends have struggled with having DC#2, they have had multiple rounds of IVF and they don't know if they can do anymore...nice thought for them to live with that their failure to conceive another child will mean their child will always have something "missing"...

I suffered through major issues with SIF including failed IVF attempts + multiple losses. We researched adoption as well as using donor eggs and other alternate routes. I do not take these issues lightly + I'm well aware of the stress (financial, emotional, etc.). This is only my opinion.

[jk3]

My 4 year old DD died of cancer 18 months ago. My 3 year old is now going to grow up without a living sibling. This was NOT my family's choice. And any stranger that doesn't know about our DD and that makes comments to us about how selfish we are to have only one child will hear the entire story about why we only have 1 living child and maybe that will prevent them from opening their big mouths and saying something hurtful to someone else.


I'm so sorry for your loss.

[niccig]

I suffered through major issues with SIF including failed IVF attempts + multiple losses. We researched adoption as well as using donor eggs and other alternate routes. I do not take these issues lightly + I'm well aware of the stress (financial, emotional, etc.). This is only my opinion.

Yes, it's your opinion and expressing it to others that are suffering what you went through with infertility, is hurtful. I just had a friend in tears as their 5th IVF attempt failed. She dosn't know if she can go through it again...I was thinking of how devastated she already is, then to hear someone say her DS is missing out, well, she already feels like a failure, her words.

We all have our opinion, and also have to realise how expressing that can really hurt others. I know you would never say that to someone who you knew was dealing with infertility or other issues that have cause their family to be a one child family - but not everyone will tell people their reasons, you never know WHY someone only has one child. I do think people need to stop expressing their opinion when they don't know circumstances, on family size, so many difficult minefields that are involved on this topic.

It's also not what the OP was asking about. She never asked for people's opinions on only children. She asked for advice on dealing with rude comments from people expressing their opinion about her only child. She just got more rude comments from many posts in this thread.

[elephantmeg]

My 4 year old DD died of cancer 18 months ago. My 3 year old is now going to grow up without a living sibling. This was NOT my family's choice. And any stranger that doesn't know about our DD and that makes comments to us about how selfish we are to have only one child will hear the entire story about why we only have 1 living child and maybe that will prevent them from opening their big mouths and saying something hurtful to someone else.

I think about you guys all.the.time. I hope you are finding some peace. It's good to see you back some...

[cindys]

Torontomom -

So sorry..I cant even imagine..:hug:

[niccig]

Torontomom, I hope that you never have to experience the situation that you describe. It is simply rude for friends or strangers to pass judgement and offer opinions on the size of someone's family. :grouphug: to you, you're in my thoughts.

Yes, this. Torontomom, it is good to see you posting again. I hope you will continue to do so..