Help me make a rational decision re: my ILs (long)

[wencit]

I know my emotions are clouding my judgment at the moment, so I need you mamas to please be my sounding board right now. We are making a cross-country move from CA to MA in about a month; in fact, DH starts working at his new job in 1 week, and the kids and I will follow soon thereafter. I have been living here for the past 29 years, and as you can imagine, my entire life -- my friends, my family (I am super duper close to my mom), my support system -- are all here. Making this move is not going to be easy, but I'm TRYING to stay positive and look on the bright side (we'll have a paycheck after 17 months of unemployment!!! Plus, I'm looking forward to meeting some very cool New England BBBers!). It's all very overwhelming right now, and I'm an emotional wreck.

I'm planning to throw a good-bye party with all my friends on Sunday morning. I have been looking forward to it for weeks, and it will be my last chance to say good-bye to the people closest in my life. I want to take a big picture with all my best friends. I want to hug them tight, cry a lot of tears, and spend some quality time with them.

Last night, my future SIL (DH's brother's fiancee) changed her Evite response to read, "We're coming with Grandma and Grandpa." Huh? DH called his parents, and apparently they are flying out here to CA from NJ THIS WEEKEND to attend an engagement party. DH had no idea until this morning. So apparently SIL invited them to our going-away party, too. (She was on our original Evite list.)

Now, here is the problem. I really dislike my MIL (long story, too much history to rehash in this post) and am basically just civil towards her for the sake of the kids. I envisioned this party as my last chance to say goodbye to the people closest in my life, and having my MIL there would really put a damper on things. We are already moving to within driving distance of her, and she's mentioned several times how happy she is that we'll be so close. And yes, I planned to commiserate with my best friends about how much it will suck that I'll now be on the same coast as my MIL! Sorry if that makes me evil, but it's the honest truth. I wanted to let out some steam about the whole move in a "safe" atmosphere with people who understand and love me. But mostly, I just wanted the party to be about spending some time with people closest to us that we probably won't see much of anymore.

Do you think it would be totally awful to have DH call up his mom, explain the situation, and tell her that we really wanted to only have our closest friends at the party? We would be open to having them come over at any other time during their visit here to CA, of course -- just not at the going-away party. DH thinks I'm being ridiculous about the whole thing and that she might be offended if we uninvited her. I normally wouldn't even consider doing anything like this, but 1) I was really looking forward to having the "perfect" going-away party (I mean, would you invite someone you couldn't stand to your last significant party?), and 2) we'll be moving CLOSER to her, so she'll be seeing MORE of us and her grandkids. It's not like we're moving further away.

I really need your advice here, mamas. I already have a strained relationship with my MIL, and while I don't want to totally cut ties with her since she is my boys' grandmother, I also really, REALLLLLY wanted some time to indulge my sorrows with my friends before I make the big transition to the East Coast. I fully understand my emotions and past history with her might be clouding my judgment, so I'd like to hear what you have to say and will take it all into consideration.

Thanks in advance for your replies, and thank you also for reading this long post!

[maestramommy]

Ouch! That is a tough spot to be in. In this case I would really appeal to your Dh to talk to his mother about it. I assume they have a good relationship? Has he never offended her before, even inadvertently? I think he needs to understand how important this is to you, leaving a place you've called home for so long. Normally I would not think this is a big deal, but if someone I couldn't stand suddenly decided to come to my most significant party I would be really upset. Surely he can come up with a diplomatic way to put her off without making you the bad guy.

Maybe your Dh can come up with some other occasion for you all to get together with MIL during their visit. Dinner out or something. She probably won't know a soul at the party except your future SIL, so I don't think she would have a good time, even if you were on good terms.

[cdlamis]

Oh my! What a dilemma. I think I would feel the same way but also wouldn't know what to do.

I couldn't disinvite her for the reasons you gave- meaning I would tell her something different. Can you tell a white lie and tell her that someone else is hosting at their small house? Or can you move it to a restaurant- saying that a friend is planning on picking up the tab? I know, I know- lying is lying but I also see you point in wanting the perfect going away party and not wanting to hurt her feelings! Definitely find a way to not have her there but without hurting her feelings.

Good luck!

[sste]

Can your DH explain that this is a party with your closest friends and the emphasis is on girl-bonding. And that your kids are really looking forward to seeing the g-parents and could his parents please take them to the park/zoo/etc for the morning so they are out of the house for the party.

I agree with maestramommy that while usually it pays to just compromise over in-law issues in the context of giving up so much for this move, I think you are just going to be too resentful if they attend. Which won't bode well for you living closer to them.

[mommylamb]

OK, first off, that sucks. Not kind of your SIL to just assume that was ok.

But, I think that the fact that you will be closer to her and you might have to deal with her more frequently means that it is even more important for your sanity that you start off on a cleaner slate, IYKWIM. I think if you uninvite them (not that you invited them to begin with) it will make things start off very uncomfortable, maybe even more so than they are now.

That said, I don't think you need to feel obligated to be the good host and make sure they're having a good time at your party. Just say hello, point her in the direction of the food and drinks, and then go hang out with your friends.

Could your DH call her and say, are you really sure you want to come to this goodbye party, without hurting her feelings?

Besides, I imagine the commisserating about your MIL with your friends is probably something better done in a smaller group or on the phone than at a party. I would think that the party would be about spending some time just hanging out thinking about the good times.

[wencit]

I assume they have a good relationship? Has he never offended her before, even inadvertently? Yes, they are very close, and yes, he has offended her before. Long story short, when DS1 was born, she wanted to give him his middle name; we insisted on choosing one ourselves. MIL was livid, and I've never lived that down. It was the start to our downhill relationship.

[mommylamb]

Yes, they are very close, and yes, he has offended her before. Long story short, when DS1 was born, she wanted to give him his middle name; we insisted on choosing one ourselves. MIL was livid, and I've never lived that down. It was the start to our downhill relationship.

OK, why on Earth did she think she had any right to name your child???? Ok, tell her not to come!

[wencit]

Can you tell a white lie and tell her that someone else is hosting at their small house? Or can you move it to a restaurant- saying that a friend is planning on picking up the tab? Unfortunately, SIL already knows that I'm hosting it at our house, and since SIL is invited, she'd know where the party would be held -- so I couldn't uninvite my MIL without uninviting SIL (and BIL!), too.

[wencit]

OK, why on Earth did she think she had any right to name your child???? Ok, tell her not to come! :ROTFLMAO:

I think I like your second piece of advice better than your first, LOL! Yes, my MIL tries to be very controlling, and I think part of the reason she doesn't like me is that I actually fight back. She's used to pretty much having her way and gets offended if she doesn't.

[mommylamb]

FWIW, I used to live in Massachusetts, and it really is a wonderful place. Boston is a great city and I'm sure you'll meet lots of wonderful people.

And, I think you're going to have to draw some pretty strong boundaries with your MIL about when and how often you'll see them and what the terms are. NJ is too close.

[jayali]

Yeeesshhhh - what a tough one. Does your future SIL understand your relationship with your MIL? I am thinking have her do the uninviting. Your husband didn't invite her in the first place, why should he be put in this situation.

It sounds like your inlaws are staying with your future bil and sil - couldn't they come up with something else to do at the time of the party? They could come up with a fab plan and then come over after the party - sort of accidentally on purpose miss it. How did future SIL frame the invite? I would find out first if MIL thinks she is invited to an actual party of if it was mentioned in a casual reference.

On the positive side there are lots of great things to do on the East Coast - I hope you come to love it and consider it your home away from home after a short adjustment period.

[wencit]

Maybe your Dh can come up with some other occasion for you all to get together with MIL during their visit. Dinner out or something. That's what I told DH. I don't have a problem with seeing her for dinner or even, as he suggested, have her come over to watch the kids while we pack. I'd actually appreciate that! Any other time but the party! DH just thinks I'm being hormonal and hysterical (not in a good way) over this.

[codex57]

I'd try and keep MIL away.

However, my question is how much commiserating can you do if SIL is there? I understand she's not blood, but she just seems like a potential leak. A BIG leak. Not sure how much true commiserating you can do unless you step away and do it in private with a couple people at a time. That's something that you could do even if MIL is there.

[wencit]

FWIW, I used to live in Massachusetts, and it really is a wonderful place. Boston is a great city and I'm sure you'll meet lots of wonderful people. Oh, I know! I don't have a problem with Boston per se (well, except maybe the weather). I'm actually looking forward to being there and like I said, meeting all the great NE BBB mamas. I'm just having a hard time leaving pretty much the only place I've lived and called home for so many years.

[wencit]

However, my question is how much commiserating can you do if SIL is there? I understand she's not blood, but she just seems like a potential leak. A BIG leak. Not sure how much true commiserating you can do unless you step away and do it in private with a couple people at a time. That's something that you could do even if MIL is there. Oooh, good point! Something I hadn't thought about. I'll definitely tone it down with SIL around; thank you for pointing that out.

[wencit]

Yeeesshhhh - what a tough one. Does your future SIL understand your relationship with your MIL? I am thinking have her do the uninviting. Your husband didn't invite her in the first place, why should he be put in this situation.

It sounds like your inlaws are staying with your future bil and sil - couldn't they come up with something else to do at the time of the party? They could come up with a fab plan and then come over after the party - sort of accidentally on purpose miss it. How did future SIL frame the invite? I would find out first if MIL thinks she is invited to an actual party of if it was mentioned in a casual reference. I have no idea how SIL invited MIL. She just changed the Evite message so that instead of her and BIL, it all of a sudden read, "We'll bring Grandma and Grandpa." That's it.

I also have no idea how much SIL knows about the extent of my issues with the ILs. Your plan about having my SIL "accidentally on purpose" miss the party is interesting, but then I'd be uninviting her and BIL, too. Maybe that's what I need to do??? I'm not close enough to SIL to explain the whole situation to her and ask her to keep MIL away from the party. Besides, from the way she framed her Evite response, it sounds like she's looking forward to it.

Ugh, how do I always get myself into these messes? :banghead:


On the positive side there are lots of great things to do on the East Coast - I hope you come to love it and consider it your home away from home after a short adjustment period. Thank you, I hope so, too!

[maestramommy]

Yes, they are very close, and yes, he has offended her before. Long story short, when DS1 was born, she wanted to give him his middle name; we insisted on choosing one ourselves. MIL was livid, and I've never lived that down. It was the start to our downhill relationship.

Yikes! I know that one is a potential bomb. My parents and my ILs have always chosen our kids' middle names, but at our request, because the names are Chinese and Taiwanese. Not something Dh and I could come up with on our own. Apparently naming is a big deal for them.

I guess I'm not understanding why your Dh doesn't understand, or why he thinks you're just being hysterical. Unless he's preoccupied and stressed out by the move as well?

I do agree with Codex though, that you'll want to be careful about commiserating at the party if SIL is gonna be there.

[pinkmomagain]

Is there anyway dh can ask them to come to the party a bit later? The last hour or so? I really don't know how he would set that up (send them on a wild goose chase to pick something up for the party?).....but if there was a way to shorten their stay at the party, maybe that would be a good compromise???

[codex57]

Oooh, good point! Something I hadn't thought about. I'll definitely tone it down with SIL around; thank you for pointing that out.

;) You will learn, grasshopper. DW grew up generally liking all the people she was near. I grew up in a semi-crazy family so I learned how to act around people I don't like since basically birth. At first, DW thought I was kinda crazy and paranoid for being so secretive about who to trust, how much you can say, etc. Now that she's been married to me for a while, she's learning. :ROTFLMAO:

Because, it's crucial for your sanity to be able to vent to people you trust. I think this party is vital for your sanity since it's gonna be such a big psychological shock to move out there.

[SkyrMommy]

Are your DH & DC going to be at the party or is it more of a girlfriends/dear friends for you? If it's more for you than your whole family I would try to get DH, the DC & the MIL/FIL to go to another activity... phrase it as an extra treat that they get to spend time with the DC before traveling east.

If it's more of a whole family event, I think that you'll just have to survive with the MIL there. If there enough people there who are close to you, point MIL in the direction of the food & have a few close dear friends on the 'MIL-awfulness' lookout to redirect her if she gets snippy.

Good luck with the move... MA is great & I hope that you will find your home & heart here as well.

[fivi2]

I'll agree with pp, that the party as described doesn't really seem like the appropriate place for a bitchfest, even without the ILs attending. Can you plan a lunch or happy hour with just a few close girlfriends for that purpose. Or even can they come over after your dh has moved and help you pack and stuff with wine and bitching? I just wouldn't want to make my going away party all about how miserable I will be! JMO.

(and that does suck that your sil invited them!)

[Clarity]

Is your dh attending this party? It sounds like it's a party for your girlfriends. If he's not, let him know he needs to take the kids and his parents and spend some quality time with them while you are enjoying the party you planned. That way it comes off as if she's not disinvited, but that she's invited to a day with her son and grandchildren.
If the going away party includes the entire family, including your dh and your kids then I really think you have to suck this one up and let your IL's attend. (Understand that I feel the SAME way about my MIL as you do but there are some lines you cannot cross and this one may be one of them.)

[deborah_r]

However, my question is how much commiserating can you do if SIL is there? I understand she's not blood, but she just seems like a potential leak. A BIG leak. Not sure how much true commiserating you can do unless you step away and do it in private with a couple people at a time. That's something that you could do even if MIL is there.

That was the first thing that jumped out at me, honestly. My only contribution was going to be "why did you invite future SIL?" because you could have said goodbye to her and BIL separately. I was wondering if future SIL was in on the MIL-hate already, and that is why you felt OK having her there.

[wencit]

Yes, my DH and my DC will be at the party. DH has some friends there who will be exclusively "his," and I have some friends who are exclusively "mine," but majority of the guests are "our" friends, does that make sense?

Oh, and I wanted to clear things up and say that the MIL bitching was only going to be part of the party. (Even less so, as codex pointed out, with SIL there.) It was mostly supposed to be about spending time with our friends, people we've come to love and cherish over the years. Having MIL there is just a huge downer for me, that's all. Obviously, it's not going to kill me or anything like that, but it just puts a damper on my day, KWIM?

[wencit]

I think this party is vital for your sanity since it's gonna be such a big psychological shock to move out there. Yes, this is exactly it! We also found out we'd be moving with full certainty just several weeks ago, so it's been a very hastily arranged move. I truly haven't had time to process everything (literally, just weeks).

[codex57]

I like the idea a PP had about having a smaller lunch party with the super close friends so you can have a bitch session. Others may disagree, but I think it helps psychologically. We're kinda isolated now, so I think having a vent to people who understand really helps deal with the isolation/loneliness.

[wencit]

That was the first thing that jumped out at me, honestly. My only contribution was going to be "why did you invite future SIL?" because you could have said goodbye to her and BIL separately. I was wondering if future SIL was in on the MIL-hate already, and that is why you felt OK having her there. Like I said, it didn't occur to me. If I had my way, I wouldn't have invited BIL/SIL (would have done a separate good-bye), but DH wanted them there, so I said fine, no big deal.

[edurnemk]

DH thinks I'm being ridiculous about the whole thing and that she might be offended if we uninvited her.

Well, technically you're not unninviting her, because she was not invited by you in the first place!

IMO, it was incredibly innapropriate for your future SIL to invite the IL's without asking you first. And you or your DH should talk to her and BIL about that.

I haven't read all the responses, but I totally understand you because despite all the cons about moving back to our hometown, the one I found hardest was being close to the IL's. It's a really difficult situation, I would want to unninvite her, too, but maybe my view is not too objective either.

The most delicate part of the issue is that this shouldn't turn into a war of loyalties, and DH will feel caught in the middle. I think I'd go for letting them come but not spending time with them at the party, because it's your chance to spend time with your friends. If they're offended by that, too bad.

[edurnemk]

I like the idea a PP had about having a smaller lunch party with the super close friends so you can have a bitch session. Others may disagree, but I think it helps psychologically. We're kinda isolated now, so I think having a vent to people who understand really helps deal with the isolation/loneliness.

:yeahthat:

[Ceepa]

;) At first, DW thought I was kinda crazy and paranoid for being so secretive about who to trust, how much you can say, etc. Now that she's been married to me for a while, she's learning. :ROTFLMAO:


DH laughs about my need-to-know approach with family members -- mine and his.

OP, sounds like you'll have to grin and bear it for the party. The bigger issue is how to handle the boundaries once you're living much closer to ILs. I'm sending you strength.

[TwinFoxes]

As someone who's made the move from California to the "other" coast TWICE, I can totally commiserate. I understand how hard it is to leave. I would make DH tell MIL to stay away. It might make me a beyotch, but having someone you can't stand at your last gathering of friends just isn't fair to you. Anyone who thinks she gets to name someone elses's baby and then gets an attitude when she can't is not someone I want at my party!

Is it possible future SIL hasn't actually invited MIL yet? Just changed her evite but MIL doesn't know? I hope so. Then you can just ask her to keep it under wraps.

Good luck!

[WatchingThemGrow]

I've never quite been in your spot, but...I have a SIL who is. I'll try say this lovingly. Her "beef" with MIL and her continued hostility toward her have really affected the way that *I* feel and relate to SIL, BIL and their lovely DC. Her attitude and contentious actions toward MIL have made family vacations, holidays, and every kind of event difficult for ALL of us, during the event and ALL the weeks leading up to it. Part of me wants to tell her (and she's a therapist) that she needs to address each of the issues she had with MIL and then let it go. The rest of us are just wishing she'd address it, forgive and move on for the harmony of the family. I think it really puts her DH in a VERY tough spot, and her kids are no fools. They are learning how she operates in MIL's presence. Not something I want my DC to learn... For example, we've been trying for a year almost to plan a 50th anniv. party, and SIL won't "allow" any weekend to be free in their schedule to celebrate our MIL&FIL. It breaks the hearts of all the other adults that she won't cooperate for something that means SO much to us.

So, while it isn't exactly your situation, teasing out your thing with MIL as a entirely different issue than the actual moving may be helpful.

Also, if your friends haven't met MIL, it may be a good time for them to put a name with a face. My friends have all met my SIL, so when I have an issue that I need to talk with someone about, it's easier for them to relate because they know the cast of characters IRL. Does that make any sense?

[AnnieW625]

I'd try and keep MIL away.

However, my question is how much commiserating can you do if SIL is there? I understand she's not blood, but she just seems like a potential leak. A BIG leak. Not sure how much true commiserating you can do unless you step away and do it in private with a couple people at a time. That's something that you could do even if MIL is there.

:yeahthat: DH's sister in law is pretty much where my issues with MIL started. I got along fine with my MIL until BIL started dating his wife. Then all of a sudden MIL turned into a very different person around me. I was not good enough and I got cast a cold shoulder. I'd invite the ILs over and to this day they find some excuse (like only have 1 bathroom) to not come over, but have no problems going to the BILs house. Very petty, and hard to live with. Our relationship has gotten a little better over the years but it still pains me that my MIL is much closer to them than she is to me/us. BILS wife and I don't get along well at all although we are civil when we need to be (I don't want to sound mean or petty, but I am hoping that having a child makes her a nicer person; DH doesn't think it will). I would just try to live with them both at the party and realize that it is just for the kids sake. I have times where I still get nervous around my MIL. It sucks, but I don't think it will ever go away. Just don't forget to have fun at your party as I am sure you will, and good luck with your move! We loved the Boston area when we went to visit, and New Jersey is still a decent drive, isn't it?

[kristenk]

I haven't read all of the responses so I'm not sure if I'm echoing someone here.

For the sake of family relations, I don't think you can uninvite her - not that you invited her in the first place, grrrr. I'd be careful about being too negative at the party, in any case, with your SIL around.

I would tell DH that the party is turning into something that you hadn't envisioned and you really need a chance to commiserate with the friends you are going to miss. Pick several of your closest friends there and go out for dinner/drinks/whatever with them a different night. You'd still have the party (with the ILs) and you'd still have a chance to be yourself with your close friends. I would pretty much present that idea to my DH as not optional.

I hope everything works out!

[MamaMolly]

OP my heart goes out to you. I've been in a similar situation a time or two. MIL is gate crashing just when you need it the least.

One of my BTDT: My Stepmom #1 had a lovely habit of misbehaving and making everything all about her. Or goading my poor stepsister into misbehaving for her. Perfect example: my step sister was the flower girl in my wedding. Step mom had had her practice tossing the flowers, so as she went up the aisle of the church she pelted people in the face with flowers. Overhand. So tacky.

It really helped that at the reception I had gathered a few close family members and told them their 'job' was to buffer me from Step mom. I didn't even want to look at her. If she was going to be there in the first place, she wasn't going to ruin my day if I could help it. IIWY I'd accept that MIL was going to be there but pull aside a few trusted friends to act as your no-MIL zone. Have them trade off running interference, spilling wine on her clothes ;) any and everything to get her in a different room than you. You can at least pretend like she's not there.

[bigpassport]

Seems to me that uninviting her is just asking for trouble. Can you agree with DH or BIL or SIL that they will "entertain" MIL during the party? There must be some way that you don't have to spend time with your MIL during the going away party, right?

[jenfromnj]

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice than the excellent suggestions others have posted. I just wanted to say (as someone who has similar issues with a controlling MIL who doesn't like me because I've actually dared to question her) that I am so sorry you are in this position, and I hope that whatever you decide, it doesn't put too much of a damper on your party and your remaining time on the West coast. Boston is an amazing place though (as is most of the East coast!!) and I hope you'll grow to love it.

[urquie]

maybe you can preempt SIL's invitation, with one of your own, for MIL...

"is there any chance you're free on sat? it would mean so much to me if you could watch the kids during our (special) going away party. i would love the chance to spend some real quality time with my closest friends, with out any distractions."

[codex57]

maybe you can preempt SIL's invitation, with one of your own, for MIL...

"is there any chance you're free on sat? it would mean so much to me if you could watch the kids during our (special) going away party. i would love the chance to spend some real quality time with my closest friends, with out any distractions."

Hahaha, ingenious! Soften the blow by saying the kids are excited to see their grandma. :)

[Kymberley]

maybe you can preempt SIL's invitation, with one of your own, for MIL...

"is there any chance you're free on sat? it would mean so much to me if you could watch the kids during our (special) going away party. i would love the chance to spend some real quality time with my closest friends, with out any distractions."

That is GENIUS. If it's not too late, I'd totally do that.

[WitMom]

That really stinks. I would feel exactly the same way as you!

I haven't read all the responses, so maybe someone else has already suggested this. Is there anything that your DC are "dying to do with grandma and grandpa" that would require grandma and grandpa to arrive late to the party or leave the party early? Like a movie or a trip to the museum or lunch at DC's favorite restaurant or a trip to an indoor playground? Anything at all? That way, they attend the party, but they're also out of your hair for some of it.

Another thought...could you count on the SIL-to-be to help out? i.e. could you be honest with her about the situation? If yes, maybe she has some "wedding plans she would like your MIL's help with" that just happen to be at the same time as the party.

[MamaKath]

Can you have dh ask mom to come an hour or two into the party and ask your friends to come a little earlier? Then you would have time with the friends, and allow MIL to feel included. GL

[MamaKath]

maybe you can preempt SIL's invitation, with one of your own, for MIL...

"is there any chance you're free on sat? it would mean so much to me if you could watch the kids during our (special) going away party. i would love the chance to spend some real quality time with my closest friends, with out any distractions."
Oh that is a great idea!

[Tondi G]

I think you should do your best to put things aside and not allow your MIL to be a downer for you. Enjoy your time with the people who are important to you. Like another person suggested... is there any other time you could have your DH or MIL or SIL babysit the kids and go out for a special girl time thing with your closest girlfriends/family? Ideas would be go out for afternoon Tea, or mani/pedis and then to Starbucks? Sit around, enjoy bashing your MIL and have your good hugs and cries before you make the big move.

Good Luck figuring it all out... sorry your SIL went ahead and invited grandma and grandpa without running it by you first. Hope the move is smooth and that you end up loving the east coast!

[KBecks]

Certainly your MIL can understand you are leaving people and you will miss them. I think it will still be a fine party.... focus on your guests and friends and leave it at that.

[MCsMom]

IMO, it was incredibly innapropriate for your future SIL to invite the IL's without asking you first. And you or your DH should talk to her and BIL about that.

...I think I'd go for letting them come but not spending time with them at the party, because it's your chance to spend time with your friends. If they're offended by that, too bad.

:yeahthat: Especially the second part.

:hug:s to you! Such a hard position to be in.

[brgnmom]

Yes, they are very close, and yes, he has offended her before. Long story short, when DS1 was born, she wanted to give him his middle name; we insisted on choosing one ourselves. MIL was livid, and I've never lived that down. It was the start to our downhill relationship.

you know I read your post and could relate on many different levels. Ironically, my family and I are moving from Massachusetts to California in the beginning of the summer. my DH and I are both originally from CA -- I was born and raised there & attended college in the bay area. Living in the boston area for my DH's job was a huge adjustment, but I love it here. I love road trips to NH and Maine, especially during the summer & autumn. feel free to PM me if you'd like. I just joined the yahoo New England BBB s/o group & I'm looking forward to meet some of the moms here in real life--hopefully I can make it to the get-together this wkd. :)

now about your situation with MIL and your party... I would ask DH to talk with his mom about whether you all can meet up at a different time and location during their visit. Maybe emphasize it's more for friends versus relatives, although your SIL is attending so your MIL may still be insistent upon going as well.

by the way, my MIL was upset also when my DH and I did not use a Chinese middle name for our son. I'm not Chinese and wanted my son's middle name to be the same as the first name of his grandfather & my DH. my DH and I went with our choice; my MIL still engraved something for my son with her choice of middle name, which has become a nickname for him.

[wencit]

Thank you all so much for your input! I read through and truly appreciate all your responses. Your support was awesome beyond words.

Anyways, earlier today I talked it over with DH and he said after thinking about it, he totally understood how I felt. So that gets a big :bighand: from me. It meant a lot that DH said he understood where I was coming from and how important this party was to me. He decided to call his mother to talk about things, and that's when we found out that she and FIL didn't even KNOW about the party. Apparently SIL, without consulting MIL, FIL, or even BIL, just responded on the Evite that she was going to "bring Grandma and Grandpa." Um, OK.... I honestly think she was planning to show up at our doorstep with them. :6: So DH asked his mom if she wanted to come to a party where she wouldn't know many people, and she said no. (A few months ago when she came to visit us, she attended a different function where she didn't know anyone and seemed a bit uncomfortable, so I'm not at all surprised she declined.) So my DH told her, "Well, BIL and his fiancee would be more than happy to show you around the city on Sunday. We'll meet you for breakfast on Monday, and then we'd love it if you came over and played with the kids while we pack." MIL was perfectly fine with that suggestion.

BIL actually did grumble that he was going to miss our party, but DH quickly pointed out that 1) their mom didn't even want to come to our party in the first place, 2) MIL and FIL basically flew out here this weekend to celebrate THEIR engagement, and 3) we'd be seeing them the next day anyway.

So, yay! Everything turned out well in the end! :cheerleader1: I get to see my best friends one last time without MIL putting a damper on things, and MIL gets to see us before she goes back home. Win-win for everyone. Thank you again for your support. And now, I've got some packing and cooking to do!!!

[tmarie]

I haven't had time to read all the pp, but I just wanted to say I empathize. I have a strained but civil relationship with my inlaws, MIL especially, and she is terrible at always announcing just a couple of weeks before they plan to visit. Then she just so happens to plan their visit so that it overlaps with a holiday/event like a friends (not family) bday party for the kids or Halloween, etc....it drives me NUTS. A year ago I finally put my foot down and told dh that he had to tell her we were busy for one of these weekends (they stay at our house and its a TON of work for me). MIL has been EXTRA passive aggressive and cold towards me ever since, and it has made their more recent visits all that more awkward. She spent $15 on my xmas gift, and about $100 on everyone else in our family. She despises me now.

So....having put my foot down and lived to regret it, I would have to advise against. I'm so sorry you are in this predicament to begin with!!! Best of luck,

tmarie

[WitMom]

Hooray for every thing working out. Have an awesome time at your party.

[hellokitty]

I'm glad that it was (thankfully) a big misunderstanding and mil/fil won't be attending after all! I'd take the fsil aside though and definitely clue her in on the fact that what she did is NOT the way things are done in the family!!!!

[chozen]

i havent read all the other post, but i was thinking is there anyway you can change the date or time of the party with your friends and go ahead and have a few over on sunday morn. including your mil & sil and then have a seperate party on another day with your friends? because i can really understand why you would want some alone time with your friends!

[sewarsh]

i'm glad it all worked out b/c although i have a pretty good relationship wtih my in-laws (generaly speaking), i would not want them there. this is a party for you adn your friends, no need for in-laws to be there.

i'm glad your DH understood and was saying something to his parents. not many DH's will stick up for their wives to their parents....sounds like a good man :)

[TwinFoxes]

Yay! So glad my earlier guess was right! I really had a feeling MIL didn't know about it. Soooo glad you get the party you want! And bravo DH for taking one for the team. :cheerleader1:

[edurnemk]

Glad everything worked out! Enjoy your party and good luck with the move. :bighand:

[maestramommy]

Okay, I'm totally :yay::yay:that everything worked out so well! And um, someone needs to talk to SIL about doing stuff like that in the future ;)

Good luck on the move out!

[elephantmeg]

whoot! I'm so glad it worked out!

[niccig]

Have fun at the party