? about parent-teacher conferences (thank you-post 17)

[brgnmom]

I had my first parent-teacher conference for my DS with his preschool teachers recently, and I am still conflicted by it... My DS is usually talkative and laid back, but according to one of his teachers he is very quiet and she has a hard time hearing him in the classroom. She says that when she speaks to him 1-on-1 she can hear him well, but when he is trying to talk over other kids, she has a hard time understanding him. Then she admitted that she may have a hearing issue due to age (she has several grandchildren), but in her summary report of my DS, it still indicates that my DS is simply very quiet and he doesn't always use his words to communicate, but likes to rely on body language. well my DS's pediatrician certainly thinks he is communicative and doesn't have any language delays. my DS also recognizes and knows most of the letters of the alphabet.

In addition, the teachers reported that my DS prefers to play independently with the building blocks and train sets, instead of socializing. And during the music class, he prefers to sit and observe the singalong leader, rather than dance. My DS likes to dance at home, but I'm thinking that he doesn't feel comfortable standing up and dancing along in front of his peers.

I guess I'm just bothered by the negativity in the report, and at the very end of the conference, they said they appreciated my son's presence in the class and thought he was handsome--maybe to help reduce my expression of disappointment. But I am frustrated by how their observations seem quite off from how he is around me, my DH and loved ones. I'm not sure what to take away from this conference, except that some of the comments written aren't really accurate reflections of my DS.

I'd love to hear your insight and would appreciate any words of wisdom from the many of you who have been to parent-teacher conferences. Thank you in advance.

[elaineandmichaelsmommy]

When I walk away from a parent-teacher conf. with a positive outlook I'll let you know.

Seriously-I have yet to have a good one. It seems that the teachers always use it as an opportunity to tell me where my children are struggling. And while I appreciate that it would be nice to hear something positive once in awhile. DD's teacher is old school and a p.i.t.a. about her adhd and mikes' teacher doesn't seem to quite grasp what pdd-nos entails. But both are making progress so what can i say.

Maybe I just shouldn't go and make dh do it. Hey now there's an idea!

Sorry to hijack. I guess what I'm saying is take what they say with a grain of salt. You know your child best.

[smilequeen]

How old is your son and how long has he been in this preschool? I would really tend to expect that a younger child newer to preschool would not let his true personality shine through until he had a chance to really get comfortable.

Did it sound like the teacher had ideas for how to help him come out of his shell a bit?

I have been through a lot of parent/teacher conferences. My older son can be a little shy at school, especially the first part of the year. So, I would be told that he likes to sit back and watch before joining in. However, his teachers always let me know that it was normal and told me what they were doing to help him become more comfortable. He has always opened up with time.

The most recent one for my toddler (he goes to the toddler program at the same Montessori school my older son is at), they said something similar about his hearing. His teachers said they wondered if he was having trouble hearing them and tested their theory by whispering to him. He heard just fine, but he was selectively ignoring them. Which is what he will do at home (little sweet stinker) and is a sign that he's comfortable there at least :)

The biggest thing I would expect in your situation is that they have ideas about how to help him at school and at home if he needs it.

[brgnmom]

How old is your son and how long has he been in this preschool? I would really tend to expect that a younger child newer to preschool would not let his true personality shine through until he had a chance to really get comfortable.

Did it sound like the teacher had ideas for how to help him come out of his shell a bit?

I have been through a lot of parent/teacher conferences. My older son can be a little shy at school, especially the first part of the year. So, I would be told that he likes to sit back and watch before joining in. However, his teachers always let me know that it was normal and told me what they were doing to help him become more comfortable. He has always opened up with time.

The most recent one for my toddler (he goes to the toddler program at the same Montessori school my older son is at), they said something similar about his hearing. His teachers said they wondered if he was having trouble hearing them and tested their theory by whispering to him. He heard just fine, but he was selectively ignoring them. Which is what he will do at home (little sweet stinker) and is a sign that he's comfortable there at least :)

The biggest thing I would expect in your situation is that they have ideas about how to help him at school and at home if he needs it.

My son is 3.5 years old and he is in his first year of preschool in the 3-year-old classroom. He started at the end of September, shortly after turning 3 years old. He attends a co-op preschool and I've parent helped several times already.

They haven't actually given me specific ideas, except to encourage him to use his words more often and also give him the opportunity to do things for himself. He is already very talkative at home. I think my son may just be introverted in front of a lot of people, and my DH and I both tend to be introverted. Plus, one of his close friends in his classroom (this girl and my DS were friends since they were a year old) has moved on to socializing with primarily other girls, and his teachers pointed this out to me as a potential source of conflict for my son. As far as I know though my son looks content playing independently with the trains inside the classroom during free play. the teachers pointed out that he socializes well with his peers when he's outside in the playground.

I'm feeling perplexed and wish I'd feel better about the very first parent-teacher conference, one of many to follow.

Thank you smilequeen & elaineandmichaelsmommy for sharing your experiences and providing your feedback. :)

[ellies mom]

I wouldn't view it as a negative. They aren't saying there is something wrong with your child, they are just telling you their observations of your son in that environment. And the key word is "that". My oldest was a lot like your son, very talkative around us and those she knew very well and very quiet around those she didn't know well. Heck, even my close mom friends had no idea how verbal she was because it took ages before she would even talk in front of them, let alone to them. She was also more of an observer in that setting rather than being really social.

And it is OK that he doesn't act the same way in both environments. He may just take more time to warm up. My daughter did eventually and does great now that she is in kindergarten.

[lalasmama]

Lala is in kindy and I have had one great conference, and one that wasn't "good" or "bad". The good one was largely because the teacher took the time to phrase everything positively. "Lala has made great progress! She started out only knowing 14 of 26 uppercase letters, and the same for the lowercase, and now she knows all of them big and small!" When I pointed out that she was working on beginning reading at home, the teacher laughed and said "Well then, she's getting more comfortable showing off in class!" I left that conference feeling like it was a good fit between me, the teacher, and my child.

The so-so conference was the last one. We moved to a new district, and went from a very parent-involved school to a stereotypical inner-city school--parents aren't much involved (no PTA because they couldn't get any families to attend), and its a big to-do just to get them in for the conferences. What made the conference so-so? More than anything, the teacher. He's not used to parents being involved and caring about how their student is doing in every facet of school. He knew nothing about what she was capable of, because he was too busy babysitting Lala's other classmates. I left thinking "Is it better to change her class again, or should I just hold out for 1st grade?" (I ended up deciding to keep her in the class; the teacher has made some fair strides).

Part of me thinks you should ask for a meeting with the center's director. It seems that the child reflected in the conference is very different from the child you know. Some of that is always expected--who is the exact same at work, home, or the grocers?... but, especially in preschool, I think things definately need to be positive. Did your DC hear this conference? (Lala has attended both of her's). If he has, I would definately go to the director, because kids need to hear good things, even if its "bad" worded "good"-- "Little Joey has enough energy for the whole class!" not "Joey never can sit still for circle time, he's disrupting my teaching 3 minutes into the weather!" or "Sammy is so strong!" not "He's constantly hitting other kids because he's a brut!" Lala is ADHD, so I have had plenty of talks with teachers, and, especially back in preschool, even the bad/frustrating/annoying things could be worded in positive ways.... Unfortunately, some teachers don't see the importance of this!

[SnuggleBuggles]

Some kids are very different away from their parents. It sounds like there isn't anything wrong, just different. I wouldn't be concerned. They don't sound negative to me. I agree that it would be nice to hear more of his strengths though just because I know I like to hear them too. :)

How big is your preschool class? Maybe he would benefit from a smaller class if he is in a large one? We loved that our school was 2 teachers, 6-10 kids (depending on year). Great ratio and easy for the kids to feel more comfortable.

My ds is the same kid regardless of environment but he is a rarity among my friends' dcs.

Beth

[kijip]

I agree with the advice of trying not to think of this as negative information. It's just information about how he is in the environment. Being an introvert is not a negative thing and he has plenty of time to warm up to school or just get comfortable. But there is the chance that he is comfortable but just prefers to be quiet. And that is ok. He sounds like a delightful child.

[hillview]

Sounds like your DC is doing great! It is similar to our parent teacher meetings. I'd try to take it as a positive sign that your DC is doing well / adjusting etc. Sorry the teacher didn't come off as positive :(.
/hillary

[egoldber]

I wouldn't think anything of it really. At Amy's first preschool PT conference the teacher told me she didn't realize Amy could talk for the first few weeks! Could have knocked me over with a feather because this kid never STOPS talking and is LOUD at home. Turns out a little friend of hers was doing all the talking for her. But she's gotten over it and it now talking a lot. So some kids just take awhile to warm up in the school environment. :)

[niccig]

My DS was the same. He was quieter in class, participated but didn't actively initiate any play with the other children. Then one day the teacher said he danced with the other kids and answered a question without them asking him first.

DS is now in pre-K and when we started this new class, there was a little reservation from him, but for not as long as it was in his first preschool class.

I wouldn't worry about it.

[MamaKath]

It actually sounds like a pretty good conference imo. Most kids act very differently at school than at home (at least mine do, lol). It doesn't sound as though the teacher was trying to portray that in a negative way, however it does sound like the difference was very unexpected for you to hear. The fact that on the playground he seems very comfortable with peers is very positive imo, it sounds like he is very comfortable with the kids/school. Does he express things that are leaving you concerned about his adjustment?

[vludmilla]

I agree with the advice of trying not to think of this as negative information. It's just information about how he is in the environment. Being an introvert is not a negative thing and he has plenty of time to warm up to school or just get comfortable. But there is the chance that he is comfortable but just prefers to be quiet. And that is ok. He sounds like a delightful child.

I completely agree. I don't really think it was negative and children, as well as adults, can seem different at home and school.

[mamicka]

I guess I'm just bothered by the negativity in the report, and at the very end of the conference, they said they appreciated my son's presence in the class and thought he was handsome--maybe to help reduce my expression of disappointment.

I didn't see anything that they said as being negative at all, even though the teachers may see them as negative. It seems that lots of people think of introversion/quiet personality types as having character flaws, which I don't get. Try not to take it too seriously. It doesn't sound like anything is wrong with your child.

The bolded part above though seems odd to me. It just doesn't seem like an appropriate thing to say at a parent/teacher conference. Maybe it's just me? I just think - what does that have to do with anything?

[LexyLou]

I would take away from that that your DS acts differently around you than he does at school. My mom was a school teacher for 40 years and calls that a public and private face.

I did not have that. I was a spaz everywhere.

I think it's good to know that he's more reserved in a school setting so that maybe you can talk to him about it at home and find out how he's feeling and why he doesn't want to participate. Maybe he needs time to get comfortable before he jumps in. That's not a bad trait to have.

Maybe you can ask the teachers if there is a way you can observe him in class for an hour or so without him knowing so you can gauge if he truly is different at school or if maybe this school isn't the right fit for him.

ETA: I should add that I tend to be the type of parent who is really supportive of the teacher. I have two VERY spirited girls so I really like to get into the minds of the teachers and understand how they perceive my kids and what I can do as a parent to make their school experience better for them and their teachers.

I think it's interesting how many parents say things like, "my kid would never..." or "that doesn't sound like my kid". It's very interesting to observe your child when they don't know you are there. It can be very eye opening (both positively and negatively).

[DrSally]

The teacher said similar things at DS's conference, but I expected it. He's very reserved in new situations, which I wrote on the registration form. It was also delivered in a way that was descriptive, not judgmental, and we brainstormed things that would help him get more comfortable (which was the teachers stated goal for him). I told her that he is very talkative, funny, etc. at home, but he is reserved in new situations with a lot of people/noise/activity. She said that some parents come in and tell her "Well, you don't know my kid" after hearing about how they are at preschool. She tells them, "I know your child *here*", which I thought was a very good response. People can act different in different situations. I don't see descriptions of DS's introverted nature to be negative, unless they're delivered with an attitude that it's "bad". I'm more concerned with accepting him as he is and helping him adapt/stretch, rather than seeing it as a "grade/score" he has to obtain in socializing, KWIM?

[brgnmom]

Hi everyone,
thank you so much for all your responses and feedback. I really appreciate your comments and I've enjoyed reading them. I'll try my best to respond to you all -- I have a lot to think about. I do feel a lot better now and I'm grateful for your help in terms of getting a better perspective of the experience at the parent-teacher conference and how I can encourage my DS. Thankfully, my DS was at home with my DH who had the morning off while I was at the conference.

Prior to this experience, I didn't realize how differently my DS could act in front of his teachers and peers. My MIL is always talking about how loud my DS is compared to his cousins...she will be super surprised to hear about what his teachers say. I guess it's not all that black/white though because his teachers wrote in their summary about how my son is a "willing participant when we do any of our little plays. He confidently stands in front of the classroom and is able to repeat the words that are given to him regarding our play." The confusing part of the evaluation is that the teachers state they would like to revisit "if his speech is still a problem" during the spring, because they'd like him to speak more loudly and use his words more often.

While I'm still a little conflicted about the teachers' comments related to my son being quiet, I can understand how they are doing their best to help my son grow. Overall I do like them, but I thought that their approach while talking to me was more critical than I had anticipated. Thank you all for being there. :) I wasn't brave enough to share my experience with my mommy friends IRL yet, and I appreciate your feedback. Thank you again.

[brgnmom]

I didn't see anything that they said as being negative at all, even though the teachers may see them as negative. It seems that lots of people think of introversion/quiet personality types as having character flaws, which I don't get. Try not to take it too seriously. It doesn't sound like anything is wrong with your child.

The bolded part above though seems odd to me. It just doesn't seem like an appropriate thing to say at a parent/teacher conference. Maybe it's just me? I just think - what does that have to do with anything?

I agree. I just realized that the first line of my son's report is "Noah is a cute little boy...." my DS's teachers like to compliment their students by saying "cute" and "handsome" fairly often. I didn't expect them to make the handsome compliment at the end of the conference--they were probably trying to cheer me up after I read their written report of my DS.

[DrSally]

I don't really like the reference to "speech problems", unless they had talked to you first about how he talks at home. They could talk about it as "articulation" or "volume", but to use the phrase "speech problems" conjures up a deficit that it doesn't sound like your child has. Most teachers know that there will be some quiet students and can differentiate that temperment with a speech problem.

[brgnmom]

I don't really like the reference to "speech problems", unless they had talked to you first about how he talks at home. They could talk about it as "articulation" or "volume", but to use the phrase "speech problems" conjures up a deficit that it doesn't sound like your child has. Most teachers know that there will be some quiet students and can differentiate that temperment with a speech problem.

Good point. This is exactly why I felt so bothered by the written report and the actual conference. My son doesn't have speech issues (and his pediatrician can confirm this). Still, the teachers asked me whether English is the spoken language at our home. It is the only spoken language for us, even though my DS's grandparents can speak Mandarin and Korean-- but they are all on the opposite coast and all of them speak in English to my DS. My DH and I, however, speak better Spanish than either Mandarin or Korean, and English is our primary language.

I don't understand how this could be relevant to my son's "soft voice" which is what his teachers wrote about in part of his report. Here is the related paragraph:

"Recently I have spoken to mom regarding his speech. There are times that due to his soft voice, I am not always able to understand what he is asking. He is very aware that I am not able to understand him and I can see that this is leading to frustration on his part. English is the spoken language at home so I do not think there would be any language substitution that could be confusing our interpretation of what he is saying. I would like to revisit this during the spring to see if his speech is still a problem. We are working with him to speak louder and to use his words more often."

the head teacher told me that she has reduced hearing due to her age, and when she sits down with my DS for storytime and they interact, she can hear his voice perfectly fine then. This is nowhere to be found in the written report.

[DrSally]

Based on that paragraph, it doesn't sound like they actually think "speech" is a problem, but the volume (eventhough they use the word speech). That is weird that 2 different teachers would have entirely different experiences hearing your son's voice. I'm soft spoken and people have trouble hearing me sometimes. I'm suprised they didn't tack something onto the paragraph about social adjustment, making him more comfortable, etc., rather then solely focusing on the overt behavior. I hope they're not calling attention to it in a manner that makes him more self-conscious.

[jayali]

Matthew is in Kindergarten - he is our first and only. I was so excited to for our first parent-teacher conference and remember the great let down after it. It was so-so and I really was hoping to walk away with more. THEN I spoke to my Aunt, who has been a teacher and a principal in the NYC school system for 50 years and continues, even in retirement to be involved in education. She gave me the best advice I have ever had. A teacher is a person - a parent - teacher conference is about two people, with potentially two different view points, evaluating the same subject. At least one of those people is passionate about the subject - the other may not be. She also said that unless you know the teacher you really have to way what is said with your own observation. What the teacher may perceive as important may not always be important in your view.

So I give you this - if this is what she observes then so be it. You have a different experience. Your child seems happy and well adjusted and while we would all love our kids to be these well adjusted, smart and social little creatures, they manifest all of those behaviors in different ways and different situations.

I would not be concerned about any of it. I understand that your first reaction was to be concerned because you have quite a different experience with your son. BUT the environment he is operating in (the classroom) and the interactions (kids, a teacher) is different then home. He may not be clicking with the way the classroom is being run, the teacher or has not yet found someone he cares to be friends with. None of these things would surprise me.

I hope that you are able to take the information for what it is and not be too concerned about it.