need separation / divorce advice

[kellym]

Hi, my husband and I were having problems on and off for a while now. We tried counseling last year but it did not really solve anything. Today I asked him leave and he did. He really is a good guy but I don't love him anymore. We are more like roommates than husband and wife, no emotional connection, we just live together. I feel like I'd feel better without him but I am torn how this would affect my daughter (6 years old). She is very sweet and I don't want to ruin her. My husband said he can't handle any kind of "normal" relationship if we get separated or get a divorce. I am not sure if I can handle being a single mom. I think I can but I choke when my daughter asks where his daddy is. Did you go through divorce? How did it affect you and your children? Or were your parents divorced? How did it affect you? Thanks for listening.

[blisstwins]

I am so sorry you are going through this. My parents separated when I was 4 and parts of it were very hard. That said, I think it would have been harder if my parents stayed together. The key to my being OK ultimately is that my parents were able to have a relationship that was not hostile. They always emphasized that even though they could not live together we were all still family, that I had not lost that, and that both parents loved me just the same as they always had. When I was a teen I sometimes felt guilty for loving my dad as much as I did, because my mom had unresolved anger toward him. I wish they had been able to make that a little easier for me.

[tnrnchick74]

My husband said he can't handle any kind of "normal" relationship if we get separated or get a divorce. I am not sure if I can handle being a single mom.

Well, your STBX (soon to be ex) and you will HAVE to figure out a way to have a "normal" PARENTING relationship - he's your child's father & has rights to be a part of her life. And part of that relationship means sucking it up and trying to be civil to each other, no matter what's going on.

As far as not being able to handle being a single mom...I am a single mom; never have had it any other way...you don't "handle" anything you just do it. And you do it because there is no other choice. In my case "dear dad" wants nothing to do with us - no visitation, no communication, etc. But you just put 1 foot in front of the other and get what needs to be done, well, done. It's not easy; its not fun; it's reality.

[hillview]

Hugs! Sorry you are going through this!
/hillary

[ray7694]

I don't think you ever stay together because of a child. If you have tried everything then the relationship is over and you need to move forward. Yes it is hard to split a child between two parents. With my son it is harder on me then on him.

If I were you I would try to reach an agreement with your ex that works for both of you then take it to an atty. Divorces and custody battles are expensive and very stressful.

Good Luck. It will get better!

[boogiemomz]

no advice to share, just :hug:. so sorry you are going through this.

[Cam&Clay]

XH and I separated when DS1 was 3 years old. I can honestly say we have one of the healthiest divorces out there. It takes work, but it can be done well, and without damage to your child. From the start, we pledged to keep DS1 out of our issues and to always say kind things about the other person to him. Trust me, there were times when this was hard. You have to suck it up and treat each other with respect.

XH is very involved in DS1's life. He lives 10 minutes away. We attend soccer games, swim meets, parent conferences, and recitals together. His teachers have commented that they've never seen a divorced family work so well together. XH is DS1's dad. He deserves respect and I expect the same.

I have remarried. XH has not. He wasn't happy about it but has since developed and "almost" friendship with DH and has no problem with him attending all of the aforementioned things. What was unexpected was the fondness XH has for DS2. He truly cares about him, plays with him when he's here to pick up DS1, and has offered to babysit. (DH said no to that one!)

It's not easy. There were times I hated being a single mom, but I knew I had made the right choice for DS1 and me. If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me. I've been there and come out on the other side a better, happier person.

[niccig]

Talk with your DD about what is going on, and listen to her. You don't have to go into detail, but she needs to have an outlet, so she can deal with what is happening. Have her talk to a counseling if she won't talk to you or your husband.

My parents divorced, lived 2 years apart and the got back together. They didn't remarry. They never talked about it with us. We were told this is what is happening, and we were left to deal with our emotions by ourselves, or not deal with them actually.

[sste]

Someone recently mentioned to me the growth of a new type of family counselor - - essentially a divorce counselor that helps former couples get through the worst of the negativity and come up with a parenting plan.

Perhaps you can ask around . . .

[lizzywednesday]

You're not going to "ruin" your daughter! She'll be hurt, but all of us children of divorce are hurting in some way or other.

My parents divorce was finalized when I was 16. The process was long, drawn-out and nasty. In short, I found it to be absolutely hellacious and found myself very angry with my mom (who was the one who left us) for a very long time because of what we went through over the split.

In hindsight, I know that my parents had been having problems since I was 6 or 7 ... and living those extra 8 years with parents who didn't get along was doubly damaging for me. It hurt more than anything to have the image of my parents' marriage shatter and then get caught up in the nastiness that was flying between them while the court crap went on.

Be honest with your DD - it's nothing to do with her, both you and her daddy love her more than anything, etc., but if she needs to talk, you are there for her or you can take her to a counselor to help her work on the feelings of loss and confusion she will likely be feeling. Please don't discount the counseling; I was able to meet with a social worker who had training in divorce mediation when I felt the worst and I feel it helped me work through a lot of the initial anger towards my parents. There are a lot of options, even some associated with houses of worship including separated/divorced support groups for adults (which might help you with acknowledging that feeling overwhelmed and confused is part of divorce - really! - and perfectly normal) and some groups for kids.

Good luck and stick to your guns! You and your daughter will get through this!

[Hippoharbor]

I have been through this myself. I was asked to move out by my ex-fiance three yrs ago when DS was two. I was devastated, but the end of the relationship was inevitable.
I do not have any family here in Florida, but must remain here so that my DS can have a continuing relationship with his father.
I think my greatest fear of being a single mom was being able to manage financially. Fortunately, my ex does pay generous child support and is very good about having him over for his Wed night and every other weekend visits.

The first six months was difficult to try to get along b/c of my hurt feelings. However, over time, we have developed a really good "working relationship". We sometimes go out to eat together, have taken vacation together and spent holidays together. We do this so that our son sees that both his parents love him and still love/respect eachother, as well. Granted, it has been easier to manage this b/c neither of us have had serious relationships (yet) where there was a third party involved. It is easy for me to do activities with my ex and DS, but I do think things will change as DS gets older.

My heart goes out to you b/c I know this was a tough decision for you to make.

[MoJo]

I've been thinking about you for days and have been a little afraid to post, but this is what I'd want someone to tell me.

If he's really a good guy, are you sure you can't make it work?

"Love" changes over time. I know you said you tried counseling, but *for me* that would definitely not be the end of the road.

Have you spent time thinking about what attracted you to him in the first place? Spent energy expressing love to him in a way that's meaningful to him? And told him what you want from the relationship?

I *KNOW* it's hard. And we both know that separation/divorce is hard, too. My parents were separated for a while, and it was very hard on everyone, even though I was already an adult.

*For me,* the bottom line is that I made a vow to love him and keep him, for better or worse. I would break that vow if he was hurting me or our children, or if he was unfaithful. But apart from that, I would (and will) keep working on building the relationship.

Hugs to you, I really do know that it's hard.