Why does every bath/bedtime with Daddy have to turn into a nuclear meltdown?

[goldenpig]

All I ask is that just once DH is able to put DD to bed without WWIII. Whenever I ask him to get her ready for bed, here is what happens: I'm upstairs doing the dishes or cleaning up, and five minutes later I hear screaming and wailing. I try to ignore it, but it just gets louder and louder. I finally go down there after about another ten minutes, and DH is sopping wet and she is completely red-faced and has been kicking and hitting him and saying "No daddy, I don't want you, I want mommy!" over and over the whole time. Then she thrashes around and won't let him put on her diapers or pajamas and at that point he usually gives up in disgust and hands her to me and I have to finish the rest. When I tell her that I am sad/angry that she wasn't nice to daddy, then she says she wants to go upstairs and tell him she's sorry and give him a hug. Half the time he's too mad and says he doesn't want to see her and the other half he says I'm just coaching her and putting words in her mouth or that she's just doing it to placate me. Which is kind of true because she'll hug and kiss him and then turn to me and say "Are you happy now mommy?" And of course he's even less excited about helping me out with her the next time. I keep trying to talk to her about it and each time she promises me that next time daddy can help her with her bath, that she does love both mommy and daddy, that she'll be nice to daddy....but it never changes. Then I have to go smooth things over with DH who's depressed that his daughter hates him. UGH! I have the feeling it's only going to get worse when #2 arrives. I'm hoping DS doesn't care who's taking care of him otherwise I'm going to go crazy!

[jgenie]

:hug: Hang in there. Bed and bath routines were my responsibility 99.9% of the time with DS1. I had always done it and it was easier to just continue to do it myself than have him upset. When DS2 arrived, DH took over DS1 for bed and bath. The first night DS1 cried for about 10 mins, the second night DS1 cried for about 2 mins. He will now happily give me a hug and kiss and go with DH to go to bed. It was a lot easier than I though it would be and I wish I had done it sooner. GL

[TwinFoxes]

Not sure if you're looking for advice or just commiseration, but maybe you can skip having him do baths/bedtime for awhile because it's just not working. Maybe have him help in other ways. Or maybe start out by having you both give the bath, and move up to him giving the bath.

So sorry this isn't going the way you want it to.

[mommylamb]

Could you try having DD spend some quality time with DH at other times of the day on a consistant basis? (go to the movies, reading, doing other activities) so that she begins associating him as a fun parent. Then, you need a girls night so that he can do the bath/bed routine when you're not in the house and see how it goes.

[MamaMolly]

Sounds to me like DD kind of has your number. I recognize the symptoms!! :) I'd try tag teaming her for a while and show DD that Mom and Dad are a united front.

Because DD tends to hate having her hair washed and protests LOUDLY, I do the bath and DH does the bed. So I get the fussing, fighting, wrestling into jammies monster and he gets the fresh as a daisy bunny giving him night-night smoochies. Maybe a little job sharing would help transition time for everyone?

[ray7694]

Can you try to have dh do one and you do the other. Let her pick and DON'T go in. I bet the first few times she will scream but after she realizes it is routine it will be fine.

I would really try to get some routines now before the baby comes.

[Tondi G]

I think mommy needs to not come to her rescue after 10 minutes of a struggle! She will have to come to terms with the fact that her Daddy can do exactly what her mommy can do. When you have a newborn/infant who wants to be attached to you and nursing in the evenings when your DD needs a bath what will you do then?

If tag teaming works for you... giving DD a little control to decide who will do what then go with that but you need to stop letting her win!

My niece was like this. When we went to Disneyland she screamed and cried for her mommy through the entire Dumbo ride. My BIL was crushed. He handed her to SIL and said "it's official, my kid hates me!" I felt awful for him. My DH was/is super involved from the very beginning and our boys always had a special bond with daddy... if mommy wasn't available then Daddy would have to do!

GOOD LUCK!

[KrisM]

I'm sorry it's such a struggle!

I'd try the tag team approach, or I'd go out of the house and just let DH do it. She knows you'll come rescue her, so why would she change?

[TwinFoxes]

She knows you'll come rescue her, so why would she change?

Well said.

[Minnifer]

Ugh, sounds so frustrating - sorry you're having to deal with this! Just curious, when you ask her, has DD ever been able to articulate what is so upsetting to her/why she doesn't want dad? I agree that she could just be pushing buttons, but maybe it's worth trying to figure out if there are other reasons this happens that could be worked on - like, maybe he always gets shampoo in her eyes, while you don't, and then this just sets the whole thing off on a downward spiral. I dunno, just a thought...

[gatorsmom]

I soooo understand! My suggestion is he does the dishes and cleans up the kitchen while YOU do the bedtime routine. At least until she gets a little older.

[o_mom]

Oh, the I want Mommy/Daddy is awful to deal with. We go through it now and then around here. Could you try leaving at bedtime so that he doesn't have an easy out? Hard as it is, I usually let them scream and don't go up to rescue DH. It is not bad parenting or harmful to leave them with someone who loves and let them work through it on their own. Also, I would not let DH leave if you do go in to rescue him. Even if you help and do most of it, if he always leaves she isn't going to get used to him helping at all.


When I tell her that I am sad/angry that she wasn't nice to daddy, then she says she wants to go upstairs and tell him she's sorry and give him a hug. Half the time he's too mad and says he doesn't want to see her and the other half he says I'm just coaching her and putting words in her mouth or that she's just doing it to placate me. Which is kind of true because she'll hug and kiss him and then turn to me and say "Are you happy now mommy?" And of course he's even less excited about helping me out with her the next time.

I did want to comment on this part of your post, though. I think you need to have a talk with DH about what kind of message he is sending here. Does he want to model holding a grudge?

Even if she is doing it to make you happy, it is a start. You can expand on that, redirect her that apologizing makes Daddy feel better, but I would not ignore her attempts or she may stop making them. Also, focus not on how sad/angry you are, but how Daddy feels. It's hard, but sometimes a small shift on our part makes huge differences with the kids and it can be hard to see that when you are knee-deep in the middle of a tantrum.