P&PT request re: mom's illness, as well as a WWYD

[jenfromnj]

To make a long story short, my mom was recently diagnosed with cancer, and we unfortunately found out this past week that it was worse than they'd originally thought. They are still hoping that surgery and treatment (though much more aggressive/invasive than originally planned) will be able to help, but things are a bit uncertain at the moment. So, if you have any spare P&PT, please send them our way. My mom and I have had our typical mom/daughter issues over the years, but I know she adores her grandchildren and would like nothing more than to see them grow up--she has said as much, and this will be her motivation to fight hard in her upcoming battle. She's a pretty tough cookie, and she's being treated by an amazing doctor at a hospital with an incredible reputation, so I am trying to remain as optimistic as possible.

Which brings me to the WWYD--I know it's not important in the grand scheme of things, and I feel somewhat guilty/petty even thinking of this in light of current circumstances, but DS's 1st birthday party was originally scheduled for 3/20. We've found a location, but invitations haven't gone out yet. Unfortunately, my mom is having her major surgery the week before, and will likely still be in the hospital on that day. I really don't want to have the party without her (or my dad, who we'd of course not expect to attend). It just wouldn't be the same without them. DH wants to go ahead and have a party as planned, he's leaving the ultimate decision up to me but has stated his strong preference to continue with the party-he feels like his family and our friends would all like to come and celebrate DS's birthday, and we might regret skipping this milestone down the line.

Rescheduling for a later date really isn't an option, since she'll begin very aggressive treatment almost immediately after she's recovered from the surgery. An earlier date would be tough b/c it's already fairly close, and the few places I spoke to had little to no availability--our family is also really big on not having the party before the actual birthday. And I truly don't know if I want to be hosting a good-sized party, and dealing with all that goes with it, at this point. So, in light of all this, would you just cancel the party? My thinking is there's always next year, and DS will never know the difference.

Thanks for making it to the end of this post! Sorry to ramble, my mind is kind of on overdrive between my mom's news and DS's sleep strike.

[bubbaray]

P&PT for you and your mom.

WHat does your mom want you to do? If it were *me* in the hospital, I wouldn't want my daughter to cancel her child's 1st b-day, KWIM?

I'd lean towards having the party, but contracting out every last detail -- what about hiring a party planner? Seriously. Hire it all out or have family help.

[bigsis]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I pray that everything works out well for her.

About the party, I'm sure I will be the minority in this, but I would not go through with it. I would have a small celebration with my side of the family at the hospital. Then I would also have another small celebration with DH's side at home or a restaurant.

It's unnecessary stress for you and if gma & gpa can't be there, that's a big chunk of what's important than missing. Anyway, I'm sure you will decide on what's best for your family. HTH!

[BabyMine]

I am so sorry. Many, many, many prayers and positive thoughts coming your way.

That's a hard one about the BD party. Have you talked to your mother? If it were me I would cancel and have one next year. How are you going to be emotionaly? Do you think you can handle a BD party then?

[jenfromnj]

Thanks for the replies--I haven't really discussed it with my mom, she is still kind of shell-shocked at the moment and I feel funny even broaching the subject. I also don't think she'd ever tell me that she wanted me to cancel, even if she did, KWIM? I know she feels awful that she won't be able to celebrate his birthday or even see the kids for over a week (we can't even bring the kids to the hospital, per their policy)-not sure if she'd feel worse that I canceled, or worse that she missed the party if we have it. At this point, I really want to do whatever she'd prefer--I guess I should just ask her carefully and hope she gives me an honest answer.

The party wasn't going to be a huge, fancy party, just a bunch of family and good friends at a restaurant for lunch, cake and balloon animals. I know that everyone we were planning to invite (well, except ILs, with whom I have issues that extend beyond this) would never mind that we canceled in light of the circumstances. I also don't want to have a somber party, since so many of the invitees are close to my parents and they are all very upset about the latest news.

[graciebellesmomma]

First of all, I am so sorry for your Mom's diagnosis. It really is a scary time, I am sure.

I'm not sure how I would handle your situation. It really depends on you and your family and the dynamics.

My Mom had breast cancer 4 years ago. With a bad prognosis. Huge tumor. Bad kind of cancer, thought it had spread. All that horrific news. We were all pretty scared and devastated. She is here, 4 years later and doing fantastic! Prognosis is not always what they think, thankfully.

After going through all the pre-appts., the surgery etc., I know that I would have the party early. It's still a month out and a 2-3 week notice for a birthday party is plenty of notice. I know that my Mom would love to attend her grandchild's birthday party and have her mind taken off the upcoming surgery.

[crl]

Sending prayers and positive thoughts for your mom and you and your family. I would do whatever made me feel best about the party. I know that's not much help. But if it would be easiest for me to cancel the party, I would. If I would regret doing that, I would have it and ask for as much help as I needed to pull it off (have a friend bring the cake, have another bring the ballons, etc). I don't think there's any right or wrong answer here and I think this is one of those times you should just do what you, personally, need to do.

Catherine

[kozachka]

First of all, huge hugs and P&PT for you and your mom.

I would try to reschedule the birthday party for an earlier date. If it's absolutely not an option, I would cancel. Your DS would not know the difference. You would be able to focus on helping your mom and dad through a difficult time, and everybody else (except maybe ILs) would understand.

[uptooearly]

I couldn't read this post and not reply. Hugs to you, and I hope everything goes well for your mom.

After going through a similar experience with my mother, I would definitely have the party before your mom's surgery/treatments begin.

[elephantmeg]

I would have it earlier. We plan our kids parties around when my parents can come up (my dad has lots of conferences etc on weekends) not around when the date actually is. I'm sure it will be extra special for grandma to come and feel good and have that moment together. P+PT to you all!

[wellyes]

P & PT for you.

Do whichever you want for the birthday without guilt. I wouldn't hesitate to cancel if you don't want to go through the stress of it. Friends & family will understand if you don't have a party this year for goodness sake. And while might be different for, say, a 4-5 year old but 1 year old babies are completely & utterly oblivious to whether they have a big party of just get to eat a cupcake while Mom & Dad watch.

[Twoboos]

P&PT for you and your mom.

It's a very hard situation to balance. If it would make you feel better, reschedule for even a few months down the line - as others have mentioned, you DC won't notice. Your mom may be in between treatments and up for something to celebrate. And you are NOT missing a milestone. If you & you DH have a cupcake and some presents, that's still a party.

I have BTDT, so if you want to talk/vent/whatever, PM me. :hug:

[Andi98989]

P&PT to you and your family. :hug:

I would move the party up if you can; I think you've got plenty of time to let people know and that they would be accommodating of the change due to the circumstances. If that isn't an option, I would do a small celebration with your parents and then have the other party that's already scheduled.

[sunshine873]

Hugs for you :grouphug: & P&PT for your mom.

I think you need to do what works for you. It's his 1st birthday so this party is really more for you than it is for him. I think that's OK & I just finished DDs 1st birthday party. We had a blast & I'm really glad that we did it. But, if the circumstances are too much right now, the only one that's really missing out by skipping a party are you, DH and some pictures.

If it's important to you that you have the party, then go ahead & have it. Early if you can (so your mom & dad can be there) and if that doesn't work...have it when planned. Can you maybe hire someone or ask a friend to be a videographer? Catch all the big moments (party hat, singing happy birthday, eating cake and opening presents. Make sure to get coverage of decorations and everyone that's there, with lots of candid coverage of DS - that's what really matters.) Then you can show that video to your mom & dad. It might be a good pick-me-up for them, and a little bit of a motivator for your mom too.

[shawnandangel]

As a person who has an in-law battling cancer atm, and has lost several family members to cancer, I would stress the importance of your mother being there. I would try and find a venue and have the birthday earlier. I know you said your family doesn't like to have the party before the actual day but in this case, I think you can make an exception. If you can't find a venue, can you host it at your home?

[MamaMolly]

First, huge hugs P & PT for you and your mom.

About the party, I agree with what has been said above. This year we would have been 4 days away from an international move (and the house already packed, us living in a hotel) on DD's 3rd birthday. At first I felt a little funny for bumping the date up a month, but in the end I'm SO glad I did. It was the sensible thing to do (from my point of view) from both a practical and emotional standpoint.

Please don't let your IL's feelings about early parties sway you. So they look down their noses a little. So what? Are they *really* going to say anything to you or your mom? The good to be gained from having your mom able to participate is WAY more important than their possible disapproval. What you need to do is decide what is best for YOU. When it comes to being a mom, there are going to be a lot of times that you will have to shrug off other's opinions and listen to your heart. Might as well make a minor stand on this one. It does get easier each time. :)

So plan the party for when it is good for YOU. If at all. It isn't the end of the wold if you just have a small celebration with just you, DC and DH.

[arivecchi]

PP&T for your mom. :hug: Just go with your gut on the b-day party. GL.

[ThreeofUs]

P&PT coming your way. Hugs to you and your family!

Party! Your mom will need all the good memories and happy times she can get - it's a hard road, as you know, even with the best support.

[jenfromnj]

Thanks to all of you for the P&PT as well as the thoughts about the party. I think that obsessing over the party issue has been some kind of coping mechanism, as strange as that sounds.

I think we've decided to scale the party back to just immediate family and our best friends and have it 2 weeks early. This way, the number of people will be manageable at our home (unfortunately our house is not even close to big enough to hold over 60 people, our original number--we both have good-sized extended families and friends with multiple kids) and we don't have to keep searching for a place with availability, which was an issue. We're just going to keep it relatively small and simple, and our cousins, etc. will hopefully understand (we hadn't actually invited anyone yet, but very inclusive first birthdays are the norm in both our families, so I'm sure people have assumed that they'll be invited).

[elephantmeg]

Thanks to all of you for the P&PT as well as the thoughts about the party. I think that obsessing over the party issue has been some kind of coping mechanism, as strange as that sounds.

I think we've decided to scale the party back to just immediate family and our best friends and have it 2 weeks early. This way, the number of people will be manageable at our home (unfortunately our house is not even close to big enough to hold over 60 people, our original number--we both have good-sized extended families and friends with multiple kids) and we don't have to keep searching for a place with availability, which was an issue. We're just going to keep it relatively small and simple, and our cousins, etc. will hopefully understand (we hadn't actually invited anyone yet, but very inclusive first birthdays are the norm in both our families, so I'm sure people have assumed that they'll be invited).

this sounds PERFECT. I hope you have a great party and that your mom's surgery goes great!

[sewarsh]

Lots of hugs to you and your family.

i didn't read anyone else's posts, but does your mom live close to you? if so, i would not have the party while she's in the hosptial. i think it would make her feel very sad and horribly alone.

since you can't postpone, can you have it sooner? you DS wont know the difference!

i know there is such signifacance placed on 1-YO bday, but maybe if postpone and have just have a small family get togther which your mom could attend (assuming she's not constantly sick), than to me that seems like a win-win.

again, every family is different and so is every relationship, so go with what your heart tells you.

:hug:

[zag95]

Sending prayers for your mom as she gets ready for a big fight.

I would schedule the party earlier, so your mom and dad could be involved. It would be a positive celebration and allow everyone to enjoy the event and possibly take their minds off what is upcoming! I am sure that your mom and dad would get a lot of joy in seeing your DC celebrate their big day......

[MontrealMum]

Sending you P&PT, and :hug: